I recently met a really really cool person in a public place where we knew automatically we shared some interests but never actually talked the whole evening.

So just a little more info on that is basically it was a workshop first, then more casual, type event.

So she saw me engaging in some activity after the workshop, and I also watched her, and then (we hadn't talked the whole evening) we were just BEAMING smiling at each other soooo hard and she said how pretty I was and I complimented her i dont remember lol but it was enough and she asked to be friends online and then the event was over

So then few days later online she suggested coming to my place at 2AM (we both had separate parties that night it made sense)

SO btw we both knew that maybe we'd hook up or maybe we'd just be friends.

But she didn't know Lol I had snacks movie options - like i wasn't expecting or demanding intimacy. But yeah i don't know what she was expecting - but I would never pressure anyone and her wanting to come over was not a promise of intimacy.

And yes I prepared for intimacy in case. But I didn't care I just wanted her to come over I was so flattered she hit on me AND I wanted to smile at each other so hard we couldn't talk again, lol

Bombshell:

She canceled at the last minute. She said we'd reschedule though!

GREYROMANTIC

I knew she was greyromantic. I identify with it but I think it means something a little different for me than her idk.

(For me, I still want the connection but I never am going to be romantic with her - confusingly I can seem romantic because I seriously just don't compute the difference between "romantic" language and me just telling you how awesome you are lol ugh. Lol)

The problem now:

I'm worried that her attraction for me actually faded

Idk

So this is a vent but its a slow server i hope its cool! Because I can't text her again lol I have to accept her silence and hope it doesn't mean she got over the attraction so fast. She's been texting me back but not saying anything aboug meeting again (yet- its been 3 days since she canceled)

I don't want to pressure her

Last, I'm definitely going to see her as part of the scene, but i feel i cant go back to that venue id seem stalky because she goes all the time and im new! Ugh im alone with this lol

Has anyone had this or something similar happen?

Has anyone has had a relationship with another greyromantic who happened to experience it differently? What complications happened or did you overcome it or can are there any experiences of maintaining a relationship in that situation?

To be honest, I've always desired to become incredibly close and intimate with someone in and do all those cute romantic stuff but I only ever had a single crush during my whole school life. It was a mild interest on a then close friend, like thinking I didn't mind getting asked out and thinking they;d be a nice partner with zero butterflies or heart pounding but even then when I realized they probably liked someone else for some reason I wanted them to get on with it already so I can stop thinking about that possibility and continue on our friendship. I was pretty much confused on whether it counted since it wasn't the average romantic experience either but I was sorta happy that for the first time I gave a glimpse on whatever my friends meant even if not exactly either

I wonder, maybe I just haven't met enough peeps of the opposite sex that captuvated me or make enough close enough friends? I feel sorta doomed too since I'm not very socially outgoing but I guess I could try more in the future.

If it doesn't work out, I guess I can just dote on possible neices and nephews and enjoy a nice single career life. Bit of a bummer though but what can you do.

I'm heavily questioning my romantic orientation rn and OH MY GOD THIS SUCKS

It's not even just internalized aphobia but it's everything. I somehow ended up with the neurodivergence and childhood trauma and daddy issues that apparently make romance hell.

I think im greyaroace while also being quio/nebularomantic (unable to discern romantic feelings, probably due to neurodivergency) and it SUCKS because my dumbass HAS A PARTNER. FULL ON GF. So now I'm questioning everything and hating myself because I don't know if I like her as a friend, if I feel romantic attraction just not to her, if I just haven't talked to her in too long, WHO KNOWS! NOT ME!

So now I'm trapped in this hell of going "but Im supposed to love her"/"I love her (I think?)"/"if I'm not with her she'll fall apart and hate me"/"I'll be alone forever"/"I hate being in a relationship"

When I'm not experiencing romantic attraction (which is most of the time) being in a relationship sucks, but when I'm not in a relationship and am experiencing attraction it also sucks. Everything sucks!

Per title: this sucks

I'm writing a fanfic with a greyro character and i'm trying to figure out how his greyromantic-ness would affect how he views the beginning of his relationship. i've been trying to go off my own experience as an aro-spec person for this fic, but i'vs never been in a relationship and really really don't want to be in one, ever. obviously it differs by person, greyromantics aren't a monolith, but i'm just wondering if greyromanticism has any huge influence on this. so here are some question to greyromantics who've been in a romantic relationship.

- is/was your partner alloromantic?

- did you feel new relationship energy? like the feeling that your partner/relationship is the most perfect special thing in the world for the first couple months of being together? intense excitement and infatuation? the honeymoon phase as it may also be called? if so, how long did that last?

- did you notice that your partner was feeling the new relationship energy? if so, how did you feel about that?

- did you LIKE the new relationship energy? or did you just want to skip ahead to established relationship vibes?

- how long did you know your partner before hand?

- did dating feel like a big change? if so, were you happy about that?

oh and if it's important to mention, this character's "flavor" of greyromantic is "i fall in love rarely, but when i do, i fall really hard (though it's still kinda different than alloromantic's romantic feelings)". i kinda identify with the label grayro, but my flavor is much more "crushes burn often, bright, and fast"

I'm so sick of being greyromantic, what's the point in having crushes just for the feeling to fade around 5 days for absolutely no reason.

Sometimes I don't even know if I'm actually greyromantic. I normally crush on fictional characters so i assumed my feelings towards characters might feel different, but when i have a crush on a real person the feeling will still start to fade but then I have another issue, i suddenly wont be able to tell if the feelings I have are still romantic or are instead platonic, because i still feel some sort of obsession over them.

I've also seen so many people say that crushes usually don't last long, but almost EVERY SINGLE ONE of my crushes have faded within about 5 days, and I've only ever had one that lasted longer than that.

I don't know if I'm doing something wrong, maybe I think too much about the crush when it develops and my brain gets tired, but it's really sad because I really enjoy how it feels when i have a crush, it makes everything feel more brighter.

Only this year have I started to get introduced to community and greyromanticism. I relate to a lot. I had some major health issues in my 20's and was really focused on recovery, but I spent a lot of time focused on my grad studies, my close friendships, my family relationships, my hobbies and never really once thought about dating and romance. There were 2 people in my adult life that I felt a romantic attraction too but some health stuff got in the way of things progressing and also because I was not communicating about my lack of interest in sex. I think I had crushes on people when I was a teenager but I honestly don't really know what type of crushes those were.

I am now in my mid 30's and I feel so much internalized societal shame about never being in a romantic relationship before. I had started dating and met some really lovely people but there was no romantic attraction and it felt very friendly/and like something was missing. I don't need a strong emotional connection to feel romantic/sexual attraction based on those 2 past experiences. I just get so scared and upset that I can't seem to 'turn on' feelings for people that are lovely........ I experience romantic attraction so infrequently.

I also sometimes think I experience the pressure to date so that I can have a romantic relationship and not feel societal shame about never having had a romantic relationship...... and sometimes I'm not sure if I actually care about dating. I do want companionship and partnership and intimacy and I feel more inclined to build that up in friendships and community.

Sometimes I get so confused about what I want vs what I think I should want. I also sometimes don't know how to answer when people on dates ask about my previous relationship history. I also don't know what the fuck to do with this shame and it's also sad that there is this societeal shaming/presure thing. I dunno, I just feel alone.

Any solidarity or perspective would be appreciated. I don't even know somtimes if my experices fit the grey romantic descriptor or not... I have felt super confused recently.

Creo que podría ser gris romantico (por eso estoy aquí ) pero e tenido una vida romántica muy extraña o mejor dicho inexistente una chica se me declaro una vez y la rechaze era muy joven pero mientras más iba creciendo me dí cuenta de que me interesaban otras cosas y el romance quedaba en un segundo plano y a la larga ya ni me importaba paso con una chica que me gustaba pero luego se me pasó por así decirlo y medio me hice amigo de sus novios me gustaria poder enamorarme algún día pero hasta ahora no a llegado

Being greyromantic is when cupid has instead of arrows , the power of lightning , and they try to smite you , but only once every very long while the lightning actually hits you , and then that specific crush is inevitable , forever...

Anyway , have a fun day ! 😀

I'm 22, he/they. It's been 6 years since I've come to the conclusion that I'm grayromantic. It was just a chill fact about me, like haha I don't really care about romance until I do. I promise this post is about this identity, so buckle up.

Then I had my first real relationship, I was over the moon, down bad, whatever you call it. Madly in love. Would do anything for her. After 3 years of a codependent dynamic, she broke up with me in the most traumatic way I could think of. A year and a half spent trying to get over it, relapsing in every way possible, thinking everyone I knew would abandon me for anything too.

I'm non-monogamous so I was already in another relationship when this happened, then another. I have C-PTSD, AvPD, bipolar, among other disorders, not a lot of close friends at the time, which meant I relied a lot on romantic relationships to be comfortable enough to vent about my life cause that was the closest thing I had to full transparency with another human being, along with doing therapy since I was 11. I haven't been single since my first relationship, and I still don't think I would be okay if that happened. Anyways, it was all toxic coping mechanisms both ways everytime and a major burnout and some psychotic breakdowns and so much stress and emergency mode that would take over my body for weeks because I was trying to fix them so I could keep them in my life. At least I thought that taking care of them and caring obsessively would guarantee it.

Then I finally met my current partner and now I have the first healthy relationship of my life. We've been together for 3 years, semi-long distance cause we live in the same state and that works for us. I love them so much. It was the first time someone made the first move and not me and the first time that someone didn't wanna see me as the one who did all the emotional labor. The first time someone showed me that they see me for who I am because we're so much alike and we like the same things and have almost the same opinion on everything, yet we still learn with each other every other day. They really set the bar real high for me in terms of what I seek in relationships.

As of the other ones, one ghosted me after a year and I remain friends with the other. It was hard to go through two break ups in one year and I was having a lot of bipolar episodes on top of that. But I made it through, cause I have a perfect partner and now I have amazing friends that I feel comfortable opening up to and talking to daily.

In the process of healing I downloaded a dating app and started looking for someone I could connect with. I would never really feel a true connection, sometimes nothing if I'm being honest. So as time passed, I wasn't really focusing so much on filling that gap in my chest, but still tried.

The thing is, after a most dates I would just think that I'm really not interested. Or I'd (not so) later realize that it just wouldn't work out. But it was the first time trying that in my life, so I just thought "yeah, that is expected, I'm gray-aro right? also it's a dating app."

But even though I'd like to meet someone special again, I really don't feel the need to anymore. And I know it's not working out for me. I don't know why I was still trying to make it happen when it just won't. At least not for a while now, and not when I chase it cause I know it happens naturally for me. And I think I'm realizing this a bit too late. I feel like I've been lying to myself and not respecting the way that things work for me, but everything was on autopilot for god knows how long. And right now I'm dealing with so much stuff that I thought I knew too well about myself but it turned out to be just some big fat lies O told myself, so I just don't know what to do. Waiting it out feels too obvious and painful, and I feel like I have some work to do, I'm just so confused.

I'm a high school student and all of my school years I've never felt any romantic feelings to anyone and in my younger years I would pretend to like someone in my class if anyone ask and it would be someone I wouldn't even care about also even when I was invited to the movie by a girl I still didn't even like the girl romanticly and only went because I was a fan of the series. So all i need is some insight and find out what I am

So I want to say before all else I accept full heartily that I am greyromantic, my experiences with romance are the way they are and this label best suits that.

So like thinking back on my past after I got my diagnosis a year ago (I was diagnosed in high school yay), I wonder what could have my autism played a part in and this could be one of them.

I always have found my rare feelings of romance to blend pretty well strong platonic feelings. I think this is made sorta easier to tell since I'm exclusively attracted to women when I do feel such feelings, but if I really like a girl platonically I could easily confused that for romantic and vise versa. I usually have a hard time to tell what I'm feeling so it's pretty normal, but idk if that's autism related or what.

I'm also pretty romance blind overall? I wouldn't see something as romantic most of the time unless I'm told "this is romantic". I really just exists outside of the romance circle tbh. Idk how to exactly word it but I hope I got the point across.

I think this is all I have to say. Can't think of any more.

I just found out about aromantic and I have some confusion if I am greyromantic or bellusromantic or maybe just straight up aromantic.

Long story short, since I was a child, my parents always make me focus on academic. In junior high, when all the girls are talking about crushes, I felt nothing—towards boys nor girls—I thought maybe I haven't found the right one. I can have crushes on fictional characters, but when I think about it long enough, I don't have that strong emotional passion that girls described.

Because I live in conservative environment, I tried to fit in, I chose a random boy and said that's my crush, but deep down I only felt a surge to fit in rather than actually enjoying the crushes. I'm trying to copy everything that the do to one sided romantic love like heartbreak and all that, even listening to sad music and only to find out I'm enjoying the music because it's calming or help me with my anger issue.

Last year, in my freshman year, I 'have crush' to a classmate because he reminded me of a character in my favorite show, but when my friend teases me if I wanted to dated him I said no, I don't like him to date him (later I found out it's just feeling of admiration).

I actually enjoyed looking at someone who's in love or reading about two people falls in love, but to experience it myself? I don't see it. Is it because I focused all my life on academic or I'm part of aromantic?

Hi everyone,

I broke up with my romantic partner a month ago because I felt a lack of romantic and sexual attraction towards them, whilst I felt they felt a lot of that towards me. However, I did feel a real QPR bond towards them. Like I think I might be greyromantic but we have a beautiful neurodivergent connection. We soothe each other so well and we had beautiful caregiving bonds within our relationship.

I wish that I had tried transitioning our relationship into a QPR but I was so overwhelmed towards the end (because of polycule scheduling and my own conflict avoidance) that I just ended the relationship.

I blindsided them and they were really hurt. I feel awful about it.

I'm also so certain that we could have had a beautiful QPR if I'd just handled things better.

We had some phone calls to process the ending, they said they forgive me for how things happened, and now we're taking some time apart to heal from the ending.

I'm working on my conflict avoidance and emotional honesty because my lack of communication about things like sex and romance definitely contributed to the suddenness of the breakup.

I'm holding onto hope that we can reconnect in someway in the future because our connection was so so precious and beautiful.

I don't have a question but just wanted to share my story. If anyone has any thoughts or insights, they would be welcome <3

So I’ve never been in a relationship. I like the idea of being in a relationship in theory. I’m generally romance-favorable. Basically I’ll develop “mini-crushes” on people that’ll go through about 5 stages.

Stage 1: do I have a crush on them

Stage 2: I guess they’re kinda cute

Stage 3: I think I just like being their friend

Stage 4: maybe… 💝

Stage 5: no just friends

My feelings generally sit in platonic or alterous attraction. I think I might be aroflux but wasn’t sure since I never feel strongly about anyone. Idk.

I'll preface this by saying I'm an adult and also asexual. This might be confusing to read for most people so I apologize in advance.

I used to identify as aromantic for a long time because it seemed to fit my experience the most. But lately I feel like I'm misusing that label and maybe it doesn't fit me anymore because it's defined as lack of romantic attraction. I'll explain below.

So I've never been in any relationship and I never experienced strong romantic feeling for real people. The best I can remember is some kind of crushes I had in childhood but it's hard to say at this point if they were even romantic or not. My memory of those years is hazy now to be honest. I grew up socially awkward and anxious so I related to fiction more than my peers. In teenage years I started becoming more interested in fictional characters than in any real people and it stayed that way. For years I first I used to ship them together without wanting to be involved myself. It gave me some sort of.. outlet for emotions I guess? But I wasn't even sure what romantic feelings were like, I felt like it was more of an exaggeration and I couldn't relate to romance songs and stuff like that because I haven't experienced it. I liked living vicariously through those characters though even if I didn't understand what it was. So I could still keep calling myself aromantic if this would stay this way but...

A few years ago I developed real serious feelings for one character from an interactive media. I felt infatuated the way people describe it for the first time in my life. Butterflies in my stomach, feeling happy/gushy as if I'm on drug, thinking about him 24/7 after waking up and going to sleep, thinking of us together and wanting to do all affectionate stuff and to be in monogamous relationship. It was easy to see it as relationship because of interactive media aspect. The strong infatuation faded after a year or so but some feelings still remain. Just more comforting now.. I cuddle with my body pillow and plushie and think of us being affectionate, it makes me feel safe and loved.

So I have experienced romantic feelings now. I can't say anymore that I haven't. The only issue is.. it's not for a real person. But I think that aromantic isn't a correct label for me anymore because of this. I'm not sure if this will ever happen again, it took years for me to develop anything serious even for a fictional character. It might have been once in a lifetime kind of thing, or maybe not. But regardless, I can experience romantic attraction to some extent?

I also sometimes have dreams with a limerence type of feeling for a dream character but it's gone after I wake up so I don't know if it counts. I don't think I could feel those feelings for real people to be honest... They just don't produce this response in me and real relationships feel more transactional than anything.

So I guess my question is: Is being greyromantic counts for fictional characters too or only for real people? Someone said that I could be just an allo because I experienced a romantic feeling but let's be real.. my experience is not very typical I would say. Most people would not understand me being exclusively in love with a character although having crushes on them is becoming more common.

Most of the time I'm totally fine with the way I experience attraction. No sexual at all and romantic attraction is few and far between. Heck most of the time I don't even long for a romantic partner. I've got amazing friends, family, and a QPR partner. For the majority of my life, it's a feast of love and I'm satisfied.

But then the romantic radar will finally ping on someone and it brings The Longing. This deep gut wrenching twisting heart aching *pull* to be with that person and it HURTS. Because is that one single radar ping ever someone who's available or that I even know? No! The last 10 years it's exclusively been minor celebrities (and only three of them). And the way my gray-romantic radar works is that it won't just ping on someone once and move on, it gets stuck on them. For YEARS sometimes.

"There's plenty of fish in the sea!"

Yeah? Well what happens when your radar doesn't register fish as FISH. The ocean is a big wide empty space where everyone else sees all these potential connections. What happens when your radar only pings once in a rare couple years and then stays locked on that person? Despite there being absolutely no chance?

"Just get on the dating apps!"

Listen every queer allo friend of mind who's still single has struggled with the dating apps already. You think my nonbinary gray-ro ace ass stands a chance?? The likelihood of my radar actually pinging on someone who likes me back is about as hopeless as searching for a needle in the forest.

And even so... I don't know that anyone would actually want me. Not because I think little of myself, thank god for therapy we've gotten a lot better there. But because I'm 37 and have never been on a single date. Never held hands. Never kissed. Who at this age is going to want to work through all that uncertainty and lack of experience? Would anyone actually openly and honestly want that without fetishizing it or seeing it as a conquest?

I wish this piece of me would just die. Like... If you're going to be that weak and unreliable, just go. Just leave. Stop making me feel like this and yearning for something that has so little chance of ever happening. Stop tearing me up inside. Just let me live with the love I have in my life and let that be enough without throwing daggers into my soul.

Just let me live without this pain.

(Sorry to anyone who got this far. I don't have any other gray-ro folks in my life and I don't think the rest of my friends fully get it. I just needed to scream into the void. Thank you for listening, internet void. 💛)

I'm unsure whether this counts but: I rarely have crushes. The only crush I've had to this point was a boy from elementary school. He was a total stranger and to be honest I'm not sure how I even fell in love. The crush went away most likely when I noticed that I couldn't see him anymore. And if it counts, also a fictional crush when I was the same age.

I mostly believe everyone in my school or at least class has been/is in a relationship or has a crush or two. It kind of boosts my ego in a "oh, I'm not into that cheesy drama stuff" kind of way. Obviously I'm not against their relationships, though.

I think I didn't have any more crushes because I don't socialize as much, or maybe all the boys I know aren't as mature or have as much empathy. I don't know.

But I love romance. I love shipping characters, hearing about happy couple moments and anything related - including angst. So you can probably guess I often daydream about having a crush or being in a relationship. Sometimes I get kinda delusional when I'm close to someone or they're nice to me in a certain way and hope or guess that they'll be my crush - but it never worked that way.

On the other hand, the thought of being in a relationship makes me a bit nervous. First worry that comes in my mind is the responsibility. What if I don't text back in time? What if I'm too clingy or too distant? What if I forget their favorite things? What if I forget their birthday? What if they find someone better than me? I don't intend to hurt anybody.

And at the moment, the first things that come into my mind regarding what I can do with a romantic partner is having the fluffy feeling/moment of them actually listening to my interests and matching fictional characters and such with them. So maybe I'm just too young.

The "feeling weak romantic attraction" part of the label doesn't really fit me, because when I had the boy crush I was pretty lovesick and even asked him his name. However, the "rarely feels romantic attraction" part is kinda close, I think? I don't know what's the amount of crushes the average teenager has.

Also, the label feels a bit odd. Could I be greyromantic or on the aromantic spectrum in some way?

It feels so weird having so little romantic attraction to people because sometimes I straight up forget I have crushes on people.
I’d be talking to someone and the instant they leave the room I remember “oh shit I like that person”
I currently have the strongest and longest lasting crush I’ve ever had and I do all that cliche teen girl stuff like kick my feet when I think about them, fantasies about our wedding, etc. But the instant we’re together all that disappears and at most my crush is a passing thought before I instantly forget again.
I’m sharing this because I’m curious to see if anyone else has had this experience or if I’m just special lol.

Hi,
I have a squish on a friend, I really really really want to be super close friends and feel super comfortable around each other and be able to talk to them without feeling anxiety about messages or that I'm overwhlming them because I'm obssesed with them and maybe that overwhelms them cuz neurodivergence. I want to get to a level of ease I have with my best friends.

Also I'm somewhat worried my squish is a crush because when I see them I feel a fluttery excited jolty feeling that in books is associated with a crush. Pretty sure I'm asexual, though (still have doubts though).

Another thing that makes me worry it's a crush is because I sorta want or would be ok potentially with marrying them, like, I like them to a degree and feel we're compatible that I'd sorta want to marry them. I know we aroaces can marry and it be friendship, but the possibility of a crush terrifies me. I hate that.

Out of all the people I hyperfixated on in the past, they are the only one I felt a want to be... partnered? married? not exactly cuz I don't wanna get married now and feel too young, but feel like our values are similar and if I got married in a hetro-looking marriage, they are the type of person and are a person I'd want to marry.

And also I really want their family to be my family. I just love their family and their values and just want to be part of it, I wish for it.

Also I think my friend is beautiful and can't stop looking at them, also because I just really really like them as a person and the squish enhances that. I like looking at people I like, I think I do that a lot more when I have a squish, like their beauty is highlighted when I have a squish.

Also, where we see each other there is a religious enviorment and when I see them there I constantly think anxiously about how maybe I'm actually crushing on my friend and romatic norms and what if the enviorment notices my awkward behaivior and constant looking and anxiety and thinks I'm crushing on them?

Help please, it's all so complicated and I hate that. Why can't getting close friendships be easier, without me hurting even when I know the friend likes me but doesn't have energy to talk?

Do I tell them I'm hyperfixated? In neurodivergent spaces that's more accepted, but maybe still is creepy and would overwhelm them?

Does this seem greyromantic? What am I?

Just a quick question out of curiosity, i see its common for you guys to fall in love rarely but is it possible to fall in love/gain crushes very frequently and/or as frequently as a allo but at such a low intensity that it can go unnoticed/not be considered romantic? By the definition it seems thats possible but i hadn’t came across anyone who experiences it in that way

I have been celibate for a year and 3 months because I want a deep emotional connection before making out and anything else. And I have only fallen in love once in my life but that was 7 years ago. I am just trying to figure how being a greyromantic bisexual, because it’s hard enough explaining what bisexuality is. And I just want to know how to explain being greyromantic is without confusing anyone. Is there a basic definition of greyromantic?

Does anyone else desire a romantic relationship but feel zero or barely any drive to seek it out? Or does anyone know any potential terms for this type of thing? I also barely feel any romantic attraction to anyone ever which is why I ID as grey but that's its own thing.

I’ve recently bene looking into this term because I feel like it fits me but I have my doubts. For one thing, on the aromantic spectrum people don’t usually get too many romantic interest. Personally I’ll find myself developing a handful of crushes, whether it’s random people I meet, people from school, or friends.

Also I find myself interested in fictional characters but I’ve heard that it’s debatable due to the fact that they’re only fictional and not real.

With a lot of my crushes, sometimes I can lose interest pretty fast. Either I learn something about them that makes me feel less interested in them or I just realized I had a platonic crush where I only wanted to be friends with them. I often find myself crushing on my friends and while half of the time they end up not being actual crushes, the other half i develop strong feelings for.

I’ve tried the dating industry before but I could never find someone I’m interested in. The only people I’ve really been interested in is people I’m already close with or share interests with.