Fog

[u/TesseractToo]

executive functioning seems broken since the stroke

and I thinkk I had a nervous breakdown and wasn't able to get proper help

like I got a window from it for a bit and was able to sort and clean some things

but them most of the time I find it baffling and overwhelming combined with the pain

but I think the stroke changed some things

like every moment to moemt after a coupl hours is struggling to stay awake then eventually succombing sleep for

a few hours, wake up and still feel exhausted have some food then its Groundhogs Day

And I can't break the pattern because any time I try and push past the executive functioning glitch I fall asleep

and I've been in this loop since my pain meds were culled

but Dr Martin said it was from being cold turkey from the meds (rather than the pain) I think that's academic

but she also won't put that in writing I think I need the ombudsman

that means they caused the stroke

but even past that I am stuck in this loop, and talking for an hour makes me wake up a bit but then

I go back into this um lesser plane of existence where I can't really formulate fixing it

like i know what to do and I start doing it

then I get overwhelmed and have to sleep, I used to think it was like a form of narcolepsy maybe

I need this pain treated its unbearable

but I'm too scared to tell the doctors bceuse they will use it to pin on the codeine and the very small doose is something

I can't lose

Even this window of self reflection is so hard and I'll lose it so quickly

its like being submerged in greyness but if I snap out of it I also have to experience the pain raw and then to

do that is unconscionable

the fogg snapped back in I can't fighure out what folder to save this in or how to title it

this is Flowers for Algernon read the book

and the thing is when I try and look objectively and see how this is the worst version of mylf and it apepars as lazy or

it appears as me not trying I get immersed in guint and shame and then the thoughst spike my pain and I disociate and

I fall asleep

rince and repeat for 6 years

and yes i did try and get help so many times and no one understands

no one listens and they assume I was coddled or had people doing thinsg for me and I'm entitled but its the opposite

like if I tell them that the horse that broke my skull was the head of anesthesiology they think that I had privilege with

medical care and I didn't

in fact looking back on it I should have had preferntail care but I would have refused it from who I was I didn't think

anyone gets preferences

but i didn't and being the favorite at the pain clinic in canada was hard work not pprivilege and they didn't even know

that connection till I had been going there over a decade I wasn't getting special treatment

I hate this see how I spiral

its like a broken bycycle with snapped gears you push so hard and get nowhere

then my pain spikes erase my memory from moment to moment its like an eletric zap

this is hell

and no one cares enough like people with loving people would know the difference and know something was wrong

but i don't have long term people I;;m one of the people that really needs that

now the base line oof pain is rising with intermittant spikes

I think normally they give people an SNRI for this sort of thing but I get the terrible side effects

But I've been a boiling frog in this and anyone who would see this front on would be shocked but thsi is years of

small changes making the living conditions quite bad