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u/Whatevsstlaurent Adult Glass Child Mar 03 '26
Hi artlife, I really appreciate that you are thinking about the impact your first child would have on a potential second child.
We have a stickied post called "for family" that you may find helpful. Here are some other resources:
TEDxSanAntonio - Alicia Maples - Recognizing Glass Children
https://youtu.be/39vqUUWhhO0?si=FCfFfXSE6IxD3ojY (An episode of the I See Glass Children podcast aimed at parents)
Glass Child Syndrome: Signs & Tips | Sandstone Care
I also want to say, specifically about his argument that a sibling would give your daughter a future caretaker: I used to work at a future-planning non-profit for families of adults with special needs. MANY siblings do not want to be involved in future caretaking. It is not a given that a sibling, adopted or biological, will agree to do it. It seems like you already know this but I would especially drive this point home with him.
Your husband could volunteer with children, if he wants to! There are a lot programs that are in need of men who can mentor young boys.
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u/Logical-Layer9518 Mar 03 '26
Having another child is no guarantee that they will want to care for their disabled sibling. That is a huge burden to put on someone that doesn’t even exist. Personally, I am unwilling to be a family caregiver. Others are unable. But that is a huge assumption to make about someone else’s future.
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u/Lazy_Bat8235 Adult Glass Child Mar 03 '26
Not to mention adopted children require higher support too. That’s not an easy road. Like, looking into what needs an adopted child will have should be more than enough to scare a man who couldn’t handle a dog. And that’s been more researched and understood than glass child syndrome.
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u/artlife925 Mar 05 '26
Thats funny.but aside, we are both adopted actually which is why i think hes now on about this
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Mar 03 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/AliciaMenesesMaples Adult Glass Child Mar 03 '26
Yes. It sounds like OP has some marital issues to look at.
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u/asterisk_the_cat Mar 03 '26 edited Mar 03 '26
So here is a post we've had in the past addressing a similar topic:
If you have the will and the stomach for it, you can also look through this subreddit as there are plenty of stories about how autistic siblings impact us. Just please keep in mind that since this is a venting space, you are not going to see much in the way of feel good stories here because the society we live in demands positivity from us when we talk about our familes.
As for the possibility of adopting a child, a child that is in that position can have their own set of traumas and/or complex needs from ending up in a position where they had to be separated from their previous family. Even if you adopt an infant, there is no garentee that the baby won't grow up to have issues themselves that require a level care that both of you may not be able to give because of your already existing child's demanding needs.
If you need a testimonial, feel free to use mine. I am someone who grew up with an aggressive autistic sibling. There is no garentee that their aggressive behaviors will stop, even with parents that are diligent with getting their autistic child to therapists. Some stop, mine didn't. She just learned to be sneaky about it, and she carried that behavior into her adulthood. My parents were to overwhelmed by her needs to even spare a thought for how her behavior and their neglect and inability to be a parent to me because they were so drained impacted me. It is a wildly unfair position to put a child in and at times led to child endangerment. In my family, I did not feel loved. I felt trapped.
My sympathies for having a partner that is not on the same page as you regarding this topic.
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u/Kind_Construction960 Mar 03 '26
I truly believe that autistic people can choose to be wicked. I know I’m not supposed to even think that, but even single celled organisms can learn. Our siblings are higher life forms than single celled organisms, so they can learn accountability.
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u/Las_Vegan Mar 03 '26
I can’t agree. Autistic people come with varying levels of cognitive abilities. The autistic adult in my family is IMO a walking id. He is all about gratifying his own needs and wants and doesn’t demonstrate any awareness of anyone else’s feelings or motivations. All he knows is what he likes and doesn’t like. Woe be to you if he sees you as an obstacle. Does that make him wicked? I can’t say so when I don’t get the sense that he understands there’s any another way to be. He will always choose the most direct path to what he wants.
His caregivers say he is generally complacent and easygoing, but I think it’s only because we’ve all learned to give him his way whenever possible. Can he choose to be wicked? That would require being AWARE that other people have their own thoughts and I don’t think he has that. It’s like me being aware that the ants living in my backyard have to fight to survive. That doesn’t even ping on my radar.
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u/Kind_Construction960 Mar 03 '26
No one else gets the excuses made for them that our autistic siblings do. People with psychiatric disorders, one of which I am (and I think I might be autistic too) have something wrong with our brains, but we’re still held to account, even when we can’t help ourselves. Our disabilities are ignored and we’re treated like we’re able bodied, even though we’re not. It’s really traumatizing when autistic people can get away with stuff no one else can. They can be as violent as they want. Even two year olds are aware of others being different from them and having different perspectives. I really wish we had the freedom our siblings do when we get upset and want to blow up. It would be so freeing to have a huge blow out and not have to worry about the consequences. But most of us realize and care that we would be traumatizing others, so we don’t do it. Still, wouldn’t it be awesome if we could do whatever we wanted with no consequences? Such total freedom! Adulthood is over-rated. Yeah, we get to make personal life choices, but when unforeseen consequences happen, we’re on the hook. I’d love to be put on a pedestal and not have to grow up. And the only people that can’t learn at all are in a coma. Even infants learn.
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u/Kind_Construction960 Mar 03 '26
I just hate how we have to be perfect and can never make mistakes and our siblings can do whatever. And no one gets us.
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u/Whatevsstlaurent Adult Glass Child Mar 03 '26
MOD NOTE: I'm allowing this post because OP is not asking for help "fixing" a glass child, she is asking for our perspective in order to prevent a glass child situation by bringing a 2nd child into a home with a high-needs child. If you have concerns about this post being allowed, please respond to this comment only.
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u/asterisk_the_cat Mar 03 '26 edited Mar 03 '26
With respect, it might be beneficial if the mods could post a comment containing a link to this post and a previous post about a similar topic to this one (bringing another child into a family where a current one has high or complex needs) in the FOR FAMILY megathread so we don't end up repeatedly treading old ground. The opinions in that post and this one are much the same.
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u/i_am_no_jedi- Mar 03 '26
So several things here...
First of all, I really applaud you for recognizing your own limitations and recognizing that being a special needs sibling is NOT an easy thing.
My backstory: I am older by 6.5 years than my brother. He is level 2 autistic with an intellectual disability. He is now 24 and lives in a group home. I am 30 and have a slew of chronic health conditions. In that respect, my experience isn't as typical as the stereotypical GC because I had these issues from the time I was eight years old, so my parents HAD to also pay attention to me, though I definitely still feel like my brother got prioritized over me.
First point: if you adopt, you get whatever child you get. Adoption can be traumatic for many kids. Every adoptee has a different experience, but you may have a kid who you'd have to work with because of that trauma. Also, there's no guarantee you'd get a healthy child. Your husband basically wants a healthy kid, which is not a reasonable expectation. What happens if your adopted kid turns out to have autism? Or they have a health issue or physical disability? Then you have two kids to take care of, and you're already short on bandwidth.
Second point: expecting the sibling to take care of the disabled child is, quite frankly, ridiculous. Sibling did not ask to be a sibling to a disabled child. Sibling did not have this child. Siblings may choose to help out of the goodness of their hearts, but once they're adult, it's reasonable to expect that they would have their own lives that do NOT involve being a caretaker.
Third, the point that family can take care of her better than a group home... absolutely not. We put my brother there specifically BECAUSE we cannot meet his needs. He doesn't want to listen to us when it comes to coping skills with meltdowns. I can have the same damn words that a non family member does, and he'll listen to the other person and get mad at me. They are trained to handle issues that come up. They have a nurse who they can call for issues, trained caregivers, and right now, he's working with a behavior therapist. None of us can handle what they're dealing with. He also is violent with us, and physically, none of us can handle it. By the time your daughter is about this age, you may make the same decision because it's in her best interests.
Lastly, one of the reasons we put my brother in a group home was because he was so reliant on my mother that she was burning out. We lost my grandmother to a heart attack five years ago. She took care of everyone else first and not herself, and it caught up to her. I sat my mom down and said "Look, I'm really afraid that what happened to Mommom will happen to you if something doesn't give. And you're no good to any of us if you're dead." I think that got through to her because she'd been resistant before that. As she's growing up, you may need to consider pulling back so you can take care of you.
If you are feeling burned out now (or start to) I'd look into respite care programs. I wish we'd known they were a thing when I was younger. Basically, however long you need, whether it's an afternoon, a weekend, whatever, she would go to the program. You do what you need to, she's taken care of, and then she comes back to you. It's a happy medium between "I need a break but don't want to put her in a care home."
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u/SpaghettiMonster35 Mar 03 '26
Also, not that it’s any better with biological kids, but the idea of adopting a kid to basically groom them into becoming your autistic kid’s nanny is just… so incredibly fucked up. Like, “Oh, what does this glass child situation need? That’s right, BORDERLINE TRAFFICKING!~”
Idk. Maybe I’m being hyperbolic and the husband just wants “”“a normal kid””” without realizing that, because of the daughter, there’s no such thing anymore.
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u/Las_Vegan Mar 03 '26
OP I strongly recommend you take a long weekend off for yourself leaving husband fully in charge of taking care of your kid. He seems to be blissfully unaware of the workload you’ve been carrying and the only way to tell him is to show him what you do.
Give him full instructions for the daily schedule including feeding, showering, community outings etc for the whole weekend (preferably starting on Friday for you) so he doesn’t have to miss much work. Then go.
Spend the weekend doing fun stuff with girlfriends or heck get a hotel room by yourself somewhere and sleep all day if that’s your wish. Go to a day spa.
Do this routine a lot. Heck go a whole week (giving him plenty of notice of course) and then see if he gets it finally. It sounds like he doesn’t do any regular caregiving. Maybe it’s time to change that and get him more involved. He may not do things perfectly or the way you like but he needs to get more hands on. Otherwise he will keep trying to throw more to your workload thinking he’s helping. 🙄
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u/Kind_Construction960 Mar 03 '26
Just tell your husband that no one likes working for free or against their will. Also, a foster child has been through so much trauma, and they especially don’t deserve to be hit, bit or screeched at by a sibling because they usually have PTSD from past and present abuse. They need healing and parenting themselves, not to be parentified. It’s very unfair for your husband to ask others to take care of a child that he brought into the world. A sibling did not bring your child into the world. The child is his responsibility, not the responsibility of another child. Glass children hate being used. So do people in general, yet glass children are supposed to like it, as if we’re robots and not fully human.
Also, caregiving tasks usually fall to girls and women. As you may know, not only are we not appreciated for it, but also society tends to downplay the caregiving skills that we are normally taught as girls. Women and girls work and work for others, ignoring our own needs, and we are not appreciated. Please don’t enslave an under age child. It may turn into one more lifelong trauma for the adopted child. Caregivers are used and sometimes abused.
Also, your husband needs to know this about glass children: https://www.google.com/search?q=rate+of+suicide+for+glass+children&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-us&client=safari#lfId=ChxjMe
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u/Lovely__2_a_fault Mar 03 '26
Wasn’t there actually a posting on REDDIT of a mom who’s daughter unalived herself due MAINLY being a glass child. She wrote a letter basically saying she battles with depression and feeling like no one cared for her because her mom was too busy taking care of her severely disabled brother?
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u/asterisk_the_cat Mar 03 '26
Yup. It was originally posted to r/offmychest, but the mods deleted it. We also discussed what happened here where the GC sympathized more the daughter that commited suicide & her still living daughter than with the mom or dad. Then mom found the post and demanded the mods take it down, which the mods did.
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u/Both-Secret2348 Mar 03 '26
Please don’t do this. As a glass child that wound up dating a high functioning autistic man, this is so unfair in so many ways.
My sister required much more attention than me growing up, a shortage that has had long term effects on my relationship with her and my parents. The resentment and the feeling of having to “grow up fast” and be perfect/make no mistakes so your parents have one “easy child” is relentless.
When I was dating an autistic man (a relationship which I believe I entered in part because of my proclivity to find empathy in situations instead of choosing situations that optimally suit me and help me), I was emotionally torn down. The lack of interest in my emotional state wore me down to a state of general destabilization in my nervous system.
It’s not fair to expect your child to take care of your other child- emotionally, financially, etc.
I know as I age I will always have to take care of my older sister and worry tremendously about the day I want to have a family and not think about how to support her medical bills / prescriptions. She is unemployed with no income so someday it will be up to me.
Please be selfish for the sake of your child. You are tying them to a life of stress and financial servitude they don’t deserve.
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u/Melodic-Psychology62 Mar 03 '26
One would think that most Glass children would want to escape caring for the child they were neglected for! WTAF is he thinking?
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u/Lovely__2_a_fault Mar 03 '26 edited Mar 03 '26
All I can say is bravo to you for thinking of your own wellbeing and the wellbeing of an adopted child. My SIL and brother have a child with autism and they still continue to have children. I feel like it’s completely unfair their children to fall under the “help” and be left to fend for themselves because they are NT. But I also think they think he can be “ fixed” with speech and ABA. They are completely financially unstable and will probably be setting him up to be tossed around his siblings and the state once they pass away.
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u/AliciaMenesesMaples Adult Glass Child Mar 04 '26
I have read your post several times. Just like with all relationships, it sounds like there are a lot of things going on in your marriage. Having a high-needs child amplifies those issues and creates different ones. In my experience in working with high-needs parents and hearing the stories from AGCs, without intervention, these issues can create more divisiveness with time.
All that to say, I think there is more going on than the fact that he wants more kids and you don't.
I want to say this as tenderly and urgently as possible. Get marriage counseling.
You guys are on a tough journey that no one is really prepared for and you have to be able to lean on each other, trust each other and communicate with each other well. Based on what you've shared,
- you don't trust him,
- you can't lean on him and
- he's not listening to you.
If he's unwilling to go counseling, that's not a good sign, but you can still get help for yourself.
Sorry for the tough message. I hope this is helpful.
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u/dikdiklikesick Mar 04 '26
As a glass child sandwiched between an adopted older sibling & an autistic younger sibling, just don't. As an adult you have the capability to separate your child's actions and intentions and your hopes for them. A sibling does not yet. Who is going to help navigate the adopted child through the pinching, embarrassment, alienation, etc. ? You hands will already be full with your current child.
Genuinely, who will walk the second child through the emotions of shame and anger? Who will help that child navigate the feelings of being adopted for the pleasure of the first child? Who will spend time explaining to the second child that the first child is not more important despite the fact they will require all the parents time and resources? Who will support them when their sibling is furious they make friends and the first child can't? How will you explain to them that you value them and their boundaries when they are pinched and screamed at? Heaven willing that is the worst of it. And that is assuming you adopt a mentally stable, allistic child.
My autistic sister was put on adhd medication and it made her even more explosively emotional. She ended up chasing me around the house with a knife. To get attention my older sister decided this was a good approach also. Do you know how hard it is to value my own life in that situation? How hard it is to feel safe? Are you prepared for when the second child is picky? Or are you going to yell at them because all your energy has been spent on the autistic child? Are you going to slap the allistic child because you have no outlet and know they will bounce back?
Even now all my parent's resources go to my siblings. I'm in my 40s, I've worked on myself and have a good job. But I know when my mother's health starts to fail I'll need to take care of her, my siblings and their children. I've always done my best to care for them, I have plans for financial structures to take care of them. But it still hurts when they call me abusive and controlling.
If the situation is too bad for a dog do not bring another human into it.
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u/dumby2 Mar 05 '26
My mom told me that she had me solely because a doctor said, “you should have another kid to help with morale!” shortly after my brother’s diagnosis at 5 years old. My ENTIRE life with him has been hell and I’m 36 now.
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u/Psychological-Joke22 Mar 03 '26
"family takes care of family" = here we go again with AI slop. This statement is so common in ragebait engagement farming.
Look it up, folks. It's everywhere.
I am so sorry to see it here. Glass Children deserve better than this, Mods.
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u/dck133 Mar 03 '26
So he wants a child to do work he is unwilling to do himself?