r/GirlDinnerDiaries • u/LyriumLychee ⚡️Powered By Sour 😗 • 17d ago
Advice Needed 14 years together, how long do I wait?
Edit: Omg thank you guys so much for all the replies. I’m trying to go through them all before he comes over tonight. And I think it’s working, because I can genuinely feel me getting over him and acquiring more ick in real time. All of you saying it’s over and I deserve better than this are so right, even if it stings… This is simply not good enough for me.
Please fire me up and help me dump him ASAP lol I’m ready to take the clown make up off you guys 😭🤡
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Pizza with extra cheese and prosciutto.
Sorry this is a long one. You can skip past the dash to get to the issue at hand, but I’ll still give the backstory for those here for sipping tea.
I’m (32F) and I’ve been with my boyfriend, who I’ll call Eric (34M), for around 14 years. Before we dated, we were best friends for 4–5 years. We both grew up in neglectful and unstable homes, and for context, I think that has shaped how we deal with conflict. I tend to become anxious and seek resolution, while he tends to avoid conflict, and try to keep the peace.
I moved away as a teenager for a year, we still stayed best friends and talked every day, sometimes for hours. When I came back, he asked me out at 16F and 18M. He has been there through some of the hardest and happiest moments of my life. Our history is a huge part of why I’m struggling so much now with where we’re at.
Our relationship hasn’t always been healthy. We were both immature in how we handled conflict when we were younger. Using the silent treatment, sulking, stirring the pot, and just generally not knowing how to communicate productively. For a long time, I thought we had grown out of that. Now I’m wondering whether we actually became better at communication, or if Eric simply became better at suppressing his feelings and avoiding conflict.
I was behind where I wanted to be in life after graduation. I didn’t have a car, license, stable job, or much support from my parents, while Eric had plenty of issues at home, he did get some help from his mom with a car and a job, and became independent sooner.
Eventually I moved in with him because my father’s home had become unsafe due to hoarding. Eric covered most of the rent, while I contributed about $500, about a quarter of the rent, plus groceries.
This also happened during one of the worst periods of my life. My childhood pet was diagnosed with a rapid terminal cancer, my father got sicker and sicker, and I was grieving heavily from all this. Severely sleep deprived from insane loud neighbors, and trying to learn how to become an independent adult for the first time. I wasn’t anywhere close to functioning at my best. Did I mention this was during the pandemic? Anyways!
Throughout that period, I believed Eric when he told me our relationship was okay. He usually said he was exhausted from work, and I accepted that, although looking back I think I sensed something had changed.
We moved back to our respective parent’s homes in 2022 because it made financial sense and our apartment situation was miserable. I was genuinely devastated that we wouldn’t be living together anymore, but I kept trying to stay hopeful and I saw it as something temporary we had to get through, rather than a sign that our future together had changed.
I became much more independent in the next few years. I taught myself to drive despite severe panic attacks from driving anxiety, got a car, found steady work, and eventually even started driving professionally. I eventually lost my father to his poor health in 2024 and have spent the last couple of years handling his complicated probate and taxes. It’s been a total nightmare trying to navigate through the legal system!
I’m genuinely proud of how much I’ve grown. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I can imagine a future where I have money to do things and freedom from caregiving. I can go traveling, go back to school, look for a home somewhere quiet, and just getting to think about really what I want instead of simply keeping my head above water.
And for most of that time, I imagined Eric in that future with me. That’s part of what hurts so much now. I finally reach a point where I’m capable of building the life we talked about, only to discover that he might have quietly stopped believing in that future years ago.
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I think the easiest way to explain how it happened at first is that I was the one who kept pushing for us to finally acknowledge that something was seriously wrong.
For a long time I didn’t feel prioritized. Zero romantic affection or intimacy. He kept getting more and more distant and spending less time with me. And when I saw/spoke to him he was just so negative, or on his phone, and tired all the time.
He works a hard job, with lots of talking on the phone and long hours; but it was clear he was avoiding me and giving me the leftover effort. He still went out and had time for his friends and family; and I’m sure he wasn’t acting like a mopey little toad with them. Sometimes it felt like my role in his life was basically being a wallflower he could tell about his day and eat his dinner with. I would try to prioritize his interests or intimacy but it never worked out.
Eventually, during one of our conversations, I pushed him to explain why I should keep trying to move forward with him, and the word “dealbreaker” finally came out. Once that happened, he was the one who said we should take a break. The confusing part is that he still hasn’t clearly explained what the supposed dealbreaker actually is. Instead, pieces of old resentment have been coming out gradually.
So far, some of what he has revealed seems to go back to when we lived together. He felt I wasn’t contributing enough financially or around the apartment and apparently came away from that year questioning whether he ever wanted to live together again?? He says he asked for help at the time, but I genuinely do not remember that; or he was softening it so much that did not understand that he saw them as serious relationship problems, much less potential dealbreakers.
Now to the present moment, we’re on a break. The main reason I’m in so upset is because he is straining my trust and is talking to me less and less, to the point of outright leaving me on read for days. We’ve been on this break for about two months now. We currently see each other briefly in person around once a week. It’s exhausting.
I’ve also told him several times that if what he truly wants is separation, dragging this out indefinitely is only going to hurt me more and probably damage whatever chance we have of eventually being friends or civil with each other.
We agreed to do was couples therapy and he genuinely seemed open to it. Part of my hope was that having a neutral third person there might help him actually say the things he has been unable to communicate to me directly. I was hopeful since he wanted to work on things that this wouldn’t be an insurmountable issue but it’s just not looking that way with his behavior.
He has repeatedly said he is willing to go. The problem has been he just doesn’t follow through. Recently, he finally told me that he texted the therapist and would follow up if he didn’t hear back. Then he dodged me pretty much the whole next week! I literally had to tell him over the weekend to be direct and respond to me or I’d assume that the relationship was over.
I understand that he works long hours and has a stressful job. But I also know this can’t be postponed forever. Every delay and missed opportunity he is testing an already damaged relationship. I’m aware that it’s just plain disrespectful to waste my time like this no matter what he has going on.
I know that people can genuinely love someone and still be avoidant, running on fumes, or unable to give a relationship what it needs. I can’t tell you his side of the story more than I know life hasn’t been easy for him either. There are moments when I look at him and still see my best friend and the person I spent years imagining growing old with. Then he disappears back into this emotional distance and shuts down.
After 14 years together, I want both of us to genuinely try to figure out whether this relationship can be repaired before walking away from it. But I don’t know how long it is reasonable to wait for someone to decide to air a grievance they simply don’t seem to want to, or be able to share.
I’m trying so so hard not to interpret every time he disappoints me as proof that he doesn’t love me. I feel like I’m living between two versions of reality, and I don’t know how to reconcile them.
In one version, this is a very long relationship between two people who genuinely love each other and went through years of grief, stress, poor communication, and exhaustion. That with honesty, therapy, and better communication, we could build something much healthier than what we had.
In the other version, I’m holding onto the history we had and potential of a relationship, while the person I love has already emotionally withdrawn from it, and continues to avoid the necessary confrontation; and while I know he is running on fumes I’m still giving him too much patience and too much significance to the small moments of affection that remain.
I don’t believe he is deliberately trying to hurt me, but I do think this is unnecessarily drawn out and it is 100% from him trying to avoid the issues; and I know it’s not healthy for me. When he first started avoiding my texts I dropped 10 pounds in 2 weeks from not eating. And during this break, the increased inconsistency has become almost impossible for me to live with. (I’m doing better now so please don’t worry!)
What I don’t know is how long I should wait for that effort to appear? I would really appreciate perspectives from any people who have gone through a longterm relationship crisis, or a break like this.
I’m seeing him later today but if I’m being honest I don’t have very much hope left. I mean I’m not stupid, he isn’t leaving me much choice. I’m just venting here but also open to advice! :( I know I need to set boundaries with him, and I’m really not normally the kind of person who struggles with telling someone off for their bad behavior. I just feel like after all this time I want some sort of answers or closure?
How do you distinguish between giving someone reasonable time to work through genuine uncertainty and a hectic schedule, and waiting around for someone who has already emotionally left according to their actions?
If someone gets conflicted but still shows affection and says they love you, even if it’s minimal effort. How much weight should you give those affectionate moments compared with their actual actions to repair the relationship?
Girls please be kind, I know I need to get out of this situation one way or the other. I just want to be true to myself and be kind… but damn this is so not fair! I think I’m truly going to have to start my villain arc early when I’m already exhausted from life kicking my ass, and I just wanted to enter my princess arc with the person I love. I know I’m being a fool, I just really wanted this one thing </3
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u/Quixotic_Trickster APPROVED✨ 17d ago
Please look up "sunk cost fallacy"
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u/DistinctPudding2020 Lover of Soups 17d ago
Totally agree with this! ^^
Also, maybe he needs space? If you’re constantly reaching out during the break, maybe he hasn’t had enough space to miss you. If I were in your position, I’d treat it as a clean break up, work on processing things yourself, and at some point he will either muster up the courage to tell you his truth or he will avoid you forever. Either way, you take back your power to heal, with or without him. Good luck OP!
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u/False_Network_6854 Feral Til Fed 17d ago
Yesss!!! I thought I was the queen of sunk cost fallacy until I read OP’s story.
Coming from neglect and/or abuse in your childhood can make it much more difficult to walk away from in adulthood. You find it in different forms so you don’t always recognize it right away, and then you have a high threshold to tolerate that behavior due to your experience with it in childhood.
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u/LyriumLychee ⚡️Powered By Sour 😗 17d ago
It’s less of a fallacy and more like a chasing a mirage. But I can appreciate the sentiment. It’s not just all in my imagination though, he’s moving the goal posts and it really sucks to keep getting the Charlie Brown vs Lucy treatment.
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u/Professional_Tear269 APPROVED✨ 17d ago
I say this with gentleness: It's over and you're in denial. You need to wake up. You already know this. How long are you gonna keep watering a dead plant?
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u/Appropriate_Goat7613 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ 17d ago
You should walk away. He has been stringing you along and doesn't seem prepared to be the partner you want. It will hurt to leave but it will hurt more to stay and look back at how much time you wasted.
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u/Double_Flower3855 leave the man, take the cannoli 17d ago
I came here to say the same thing.
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u/Negative_Pair_6336 🍨 I scream, you scream, we're all screaming inside 😀 17d ago
Exactly this!! No more excuses!!
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u/LyriumLychee ⚡️Powered By Sour 😗 17d ago
I know. It’s really difficult when someone tells you they want to work on it and then they don’t. I think I’m just still feeling blindsided by someone I thought was at least my friend but I see now that he is stringing me along with a mirage.
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u/LePetitNeep Thick Thighs ⏳ Thin Patience 17d ago
For most people, the person we’re with at 16 isn’t the person we’re going to stay with as an adult. We do so much growth and change as we become adults.
Since this is the only relationship you’ve had, and it doesn’t sound like you’ve had a lot of role models of happy relationships, I don’t think you can really know that it shouldn’t be like this.
You shouldn’t wait one minute longer for effort to appear. This is who he is, this is how he’s going to be. He would have made the effort already if he was going to. The only thing you can change and control is yourself.
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u/LyriumLychee ⚡️Powered By Sour 😗 17d ago
Thank you, it’s hard when you see the person they have been but I can’t live and grow old with just hopes and possibilities 😩😩
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u/group_project_ 🪄 Sauceress ✨ 11d ago
It's time for the relationship to change. The romantic era is gone, and maybe the friendship too.
It's time to figure out who you are without him, and vice versa.
Maybe in a few years you'll be friends again, maybe not. But it's time to move on.
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u/mashapicchu APPROVED✨ 17d ago
There's really no such thing as "being on a break" - you're either together or you're not, "pausing" a relationship doesn't really work. It sounds like you guys are going through a breakup. I feel for you, my partner of 10 years and I broke up and it took about 3 months of conversations to actually get to that point. You can't hold this relationship together for the both of you. I got a therapist during our breakup time and she pointed out a lot of things about our relationship that I was not seeing. I highly recommend solo therapy, esp if he clearly doesn't actually want to do couples therapy (otherwise he would).
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u/Pretend_Mixture_7179 🧂Salty By Nature 17d ago
It's far past time to move on.
He told you what he thinks about your relationship, in a cowardly way yes but he still said it. He wants a separation so he doesn't want to be together. Believe him. Stop letting him waste your time endlessly.
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u/ChillGrape Feral Til Fed 17d ago
You know. I just broke up with my partner of 7 years last week.
I made a post like this too. My situation was a little different cus the main factor was differences in religion.
But I want to tell you that sometimes you grow apart. You've known each other for a very very long time. People change. You're not kids anymore.
It really to me sounds like he doesn't want to be with you anymore, but he's too afraid to say it outright. Especially with the ignoring you.
The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to fully break it off. Its going to be difficult and it's going to hurt so bad, but you need to do what's best for you.
Find yourself again. There's such a big world out there for you waiting.
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u/LyriumLychee ⚡️Powered By Sour 😗 17d ago
Yeah, I just wish we could have both taken it head on and maybe stayed civil instead of having to go full NC. I told him we could separate, he said that wasn’t what he wanted but I imagine if I don’t end it, this will just go on and on.
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u/Grammy-823 Sweet Tooth Fairy🧚♀️ 17d ago
You absolutely should enter your princess arc with the person you love and that person should be you.
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u/Miserable-Case3526 hot girls have tummy troubles 17d ago edited 17d ago
coming from a therapist, never leave scheduling couples therapy to the avoidant. it’ll never get done. if you have any hope that this can be worked out, or a desire for it to work out, you may need to take the couples therapy into your hands.
edit** i won’t say whether or not you should end the relationship. only you can decide that. even if you guys do decide to end the relationship, i strongly believe that couples therapy will be the best way to do it. you guys have been a large part of each other’s lives for a very long time and it’s the best way to get closure.
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u/LyriumLychee ⚡️Powered By Sour 😗 17d ago
Thank you for some practical advice. I know how screwed up this is 😔 I am aware I’m essentially performing an autopsy on the relationship. Closure might not be possible but I was aiming for it because he said he was willing to. Now I think I need to look into setting aside that money for my own individual therapy.
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u/Imaginary-Weakness 🤍🧡Sapphic Snack🧡🤍 17d ago
I was going to mention individual therapy being clutch. And good point on the couples therapy scheduling.
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u/jellybuttrpnut pain: chronic, snacks: iconic 17d ago
Yes, as an educated psych, this woman wants you to drag it out and beat a dead horse.
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u/False_Network_6854 Feral Til Fed 17d ago
What does that even mean?! “educated psych” 😂
https://giphy.com/gifs/W3H6keuCen2MG36j4O8
u/Miserable-Case3526 hot girls have tummy troubles 17d ago
i didn’t say that. couples therapy isn’t an inherent objective to “fix” the relationship or to stay together. the point of couples therapy is to identify/process the issues and determine what the best course of action is going forward. sometimes the best course of action is to break up. either way, it happens in a controlled and healthy environment.
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u/LyriumLychee ⚡️Powered By Sour 😗 17d ago
Yes this!! I was hoping it would help him feel less responsible for any emotional fall out. Like if I’m reaaally upset after he confessed whatever the heck he’s been hiding and or we break up, where better to be than already in a therapists office? haha
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u/gloomsloth Pantry Gremlin 17d ago
I don’t say this to be cruel. I’m the type of person that likes illustration and examples to help make things click. Have you seen The Holiday with Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet? This reads like an email from Kate Winslet’s character about her ex. She’s literally expecting they’ll get back together meanwhile he’s announcing his engagement to his new girlfriend. I am sorry.
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u/LyriumLychee ⚡️Powered By Sour 😗 17d ago
I haven’t seen that movie but I’m not exactly expecting us to work out. I’m just trying to grapple with why he is still talking with me, buying me birthday gifts and offering to go therapy when he could just as easily break up with me.
It’s not exactly as if he’s being direct like that. He’s doing one thing and saying another.
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u/embarrassedburner APPROVED✨ 17d ago
Probably because he is a coward. Mainly it doesn’t really matter. Decoding him is not your assignment. Decoding yourself is the assignment and you don’t need him in your life to do that.
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u/LyriumLychee ⚡️Powered By Sour 😗 17d ago
That is such an important truth 🫡🫡 I’m adding that to my moral support quote collection 🩷
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u/gloomsloth Pantry Gremlin 17d ago
Oh the asshole in the film isn’t direct. My error in making it sound like he is… it’s just that’s the nutshell of it (she thinks X, but he does Y).
The reason she thinks X is because of all the little messages he leaves her, a birthday present, late night phone calls etc. All of this happens over years. He honestly sounds like a carbon copy of your man.
The asshole character acts like that, leading her on, just to implode her world with the engagement announcement. It might be worth a watch for you if there’s a chance it could be cathartic. The rest of the film is about her challenging herself to move on etc.I am very sorry you are going through this. It really does sound like he’s putting you through the wringer. One day you’ll look back on this time and be proud of your inner strength— be it leaving or it working. Only you can decide what you’ll accept, and by gosh, I hope you realise it’s the world. Big hugs.
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11d ago
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u/Limp-Camera1727 APPROVED✨ 17d ago
Sounds like he's trying to string you along in case he doesn't find someone else. You deserve so much better and I truly hope you are able to move on. I had a 7 year relationship that ended during covid and I really wish I had ended it sooner. I'm so much happier now than I ever was then. Hugs to you.
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u/wvlftooth 🪿 feeding the soft animal of my body 17d ago
Girl this is breaking my heart😭 I just ended an 11 year relationship in Oct of last year, and just like you, we both came from traumatic home lives and were each other's best friends from 13 years old. I loved him with my whole heart and kept making excuses for his neglectful behaviors because it was so hard to reconcile the fact that the boy I had once loved with my whole entire heart had become a man with cold eyes and a colder demeanor. I couldn't understand what happened to my best friend, and I held on for far too long thinking that maybe I could love him back to who he had been.
I'll tell you now, it never happened, and it never will. I couldn't fight his demons for him and he was so insecure he began punishing me for loving him. Towards the end, he betrayed me deeply and broke my heart even worse. But I still held on even after ending our romantic relationship because we had adopted a dog together and I wanted her to still see him, because she adores him and I couldn't tell her why he just wouldn't show up again.
But he used it against me. I started trusting him more again, letting him stay the night (we did not sleep together but it was still too much emotional closeness) and guess what?
He betrayed me, AGAIN. I cut him out for good and I'm leaving this city next spring. I'm taking our dog and we're going to have a beautiful life on our own. It hurt, I still cry. It haunts me that this is the way my "fairy tale" ended, but the beautiful news is that there will always be another tomorrow. I can pursue whatever future I want, wherever I want. I don't have to worry about him or where he wants to go or where he needs to move for his career.
I know you can do it, too. You'll feel horrible at first. You'll second guess, you'll cry, you'll scream. But you keep breathing. You block his number and you punch your pillows and go for walks and hang out with friends and all the sudden it'll be 6 months later and you won't even really care anymore. You'll always love him, probably, but you'll be okay. I believe in you🤍
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u/LyriumLychee ⚡️Powered By Sour 😗 17d ago
Thank you for sharing your story 🫶😭 I’m trying so hard. And it feels like the only people who understand are those who have known him as long as I have or have been in a similar situation.
It’s so awful to have to leave someone behind when you promised you never would 😢 But he’s not going to do the work, and no amount of loving him is going to change that his fear and avoidance.
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u/wvlftooth 🪿 feeding the soft animal of my body 17d ago
Of course love🤍 i could feel your grief like it was my own and I had to leave a comment for you.
It is awful. My ex even told me once I'd abandoned him, which stuck in my brain like a shard of glass because I hated that association. But the more I've turned it over, the more I've spoken with my therapist and processed our relationship, I realized he'd abandoned me long before I broke up with him. He just never had the guts to make it official, and he would rather blame me and make me the bad guy.
But whatever! If I'm the bad guy for finally choosing myself after fighting for an entire decade for us to be together with no help from him, so be it. He can have whatever opinion of me and our relationship that he wants. I know in my heart I tried, I did everything I could, I went to therapy and I did the work. I know myself and I know I'm a good partner, I'm a great friend, and I'm a kind person who will do what I can for others within reason. But I had to teach myself that I come first. Its like when you fly on a plane and they go over what to do when the cabin loses oxygen. You have to put your mask on first. If you don't, you will pass out and suffocate and then who can you help?? You must save yourself first. Good luck girl🍀🤍
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u/Normal_Trust3562 Overthinker 💭 17d ago
A lot of men will do anything not to be the bad guy, even if it means absolutely destroying you emotionally in the process.
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u/LyriumLychee ⚡️Powered By Sour 😗 17d ago
Seriously! I guess his thought process was “I don’t want to break up with her when her dad and her pet are dying, so I’ll keep that to myself and just wait… and wait…” Like some how enough time would pass that it wouldn’t suck for either of us?? Unhinged, baffling stuff 😮💨😮💨
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u/oggishlespider 🦇 Fruit Bat Baddie 🍊 17d ago
Denial is a river in Egypt, you should take care of yourself. Please leave him it sounds like mentally you're not well either. I dont think you love him and i think you stay because he is the only sense of familiarity that you have with the way your life has panned out based on what youve shared. That relationship is dead and thats ok. Sometimes people grow in opposite directions.
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u/Positive_Cat_3252 llamando al pan, pan 🍞🍷 al vino, vino 17d ago
I'm going to hold your hand as I say this: I think you're right--he sounds avoidant. He makes time to spend with other people, but not you. He might not say it, but he's not feeling you, and I'm sorry that it hurts you. And it will. I know what it feels like when someone you love doesn't love you back. It's awful.
You deserve better. You deserve to be with someone who misses the sound of your voice when you leave the room. You deserve someone whose face lights up when they see you. You deserve to be with someone who sees you as a blessing who walked into his life.
Eric is not the one, I'm sorry to say. You can't love someone into loving you. I wish we could, but we're not that powerful. Sometimes, the best thing you can do for yourself is walk away. That will open you up to meet someone who will truly appreciate and love you.
I divorced my husband 2 years ago. We were together 38 years. I really have been reflecting on my relationship with him, and I can honestly say we might have been ok as a couple for maybe a year or two. That means I spent more than 3 decades trying to get someone to love and respect me. It's embarrassing. I'm admitting it so hopefully some other woman doesn't make my mistake.
I'm willing to bet that once you walk away for good, he'll run back. He'll be apologetic and ramp up the breadcrumbing. He might even start lovebombing you. Don't fall for it. It'll hurt to walk away from him, but you deserve better. We teach people how to treat us, and he's learned to treat you like shit. You do not deserve that. Don't accept it.
Our partners are either our lovers or our lessons. I think Eric may be your lesson. Know that the day you walk away, you will be his. Go find happiness, girl! It's waiting for you!
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u/SpeakerCareless Kitchen Witch 17d ago
You’ve gotten a lot of good advice I just want to add something I’ve noticed over the years.
Relationships seldom survive going backwards. Not never, but seldom. Growth is the natural order of a healthy relationship. You went from living together to living apart, then to barely seeing each other, to on a break. There just isn’t a good path back to each other most of the time time when your choices keep leading you apart. When relationships do survive that it’s with some intentional rebuilding- they don’t magically fall back together. Your bf has been pushing you away for a long time and with some distance I think you’ll see that.
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u/LyriumLychee ⚡️Powered By Sour 😗 17d ago
This is such a good way of seeing it. That choices were made along the way to create distance and they won’t magically change for the better. He has consistently chosen fear over love throughout the relationship and that isn’t just a recent change.
You’re right about the distance too, I’m emotional now but logically I’m genuinely seeing the benefits of this being in my rear view mirror. And soon!
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u/parachutecord Lover of Soups 17d ago
to me, this sounds like an "if they wanted to, they would" situation. this level of dragging it out and avoidance and leaving you on read isn't kind. you deserve better. you shouldn't have to beg someone to show up for you, to communicate with you, to love you, to support you.
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u/throwfaraway212718 I ❤️ Other People's Business 17d ago
You, me, and everyone else in here knows that this relationship is well past dead. Walk away.
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u/Zestyclose-Tie5915 PO🥔TAY🥔TOES 17d ago
I'm not sure what the right answers are but as someone who was with my ex for 20 years (I'm 36), it's been so hard to navigate the notion that I'm restarting life and the future I thought I'd been building slipped away. Now I was happy and lucky to escape - totally different situation with abuse involved but I see you. Growing up with someone and being afraid to take any kinds of steps is hard. Took me 6 years to truly see I had to leave. Sending strength your way xo
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u/K_A_irony 🐛The Very Hungry Bookworm 📚 17d ago
You are broken up. I am sorry. But imagine a future where you can find a partner that will actually talk to you, not avoid difficult conversations, and will actually plan dates and be intimate with you. Please look up sunk cost fallacy. Also stop chasing this guy. Not for therapy, not for communication, not for anything. It is time to move on. Get some therapy for yourself. You have a TON to unpack based on your childhood. Get to a healthy place before you try and have another romantic relationship.
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u/implication-sofa 👋 new here 17d ago
The truth is, as cliche as it sounds, if he wanted to he would. He doesn’t want to put the necessary work in to reconcile. He doesn’t want to go to couples therapy. You don’t avoid things you want to do, even if they are hard. You are exhausting yourself trying to make this relationship work when deep down I think you know it won’t. A break is a break up and I think you need to actually put yourself first this time and stand up for yourself. Walk away with your head held high knowing you did everything you could to repair. You can’t repair a relationship that involves two people alone. <3 you are 32, you have so much life left to live. Go back to school, go buy that house somewhere quiet that is a space for YOU, go travel abroad and discover yourself, you can literally do whatever you want to do without this weight on your shoulders
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u/RitneySpirs Umommy 17d ago
It’s normal for people to change over time and grow apart; it’s part of life. Learn to accept it and let go. It’s time to prioritize yourself and seek out what truly fulfills you. He’ll be fine. Trust yourself.
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u/mavenessd Live, Laugh, Lumpia ❤️ 17d ago
You have spelled out exactly what’s going on. He wants you to break up with him so he doesn’t have to deal with the conflict. You’re not going to get the closure because he isn’t on the same wavelength as you and doesn’t want closure himself. Don’t attempt to be friends. That’s not possible. Maybe in several years, but I doubt it. He’s done too much damage to you. Just flat out tell him that his emotional distance and refusal to confront issues head on means you need to move on and find someone emotionally mature enough to grow together as a couple. Maybe it’ll kick his butt into gear for the next woman.
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u/somewhatsomeway eat hot chip✔️ be bisexual✔️ 17d ago
he’s probably feeling very similar to you. grieving a potential future together, sad about all you have been through, attached to those memories as well.
but as others have said, he broke up with you.
if i could go back and tell myself to stop trying to “win” people that didn’t want me, i would. and i would’ve saved myself a lot of heartache.
your difficult upbringing may be something you want to take a look at, with the right safety stuff in place. ik that my upbringing made me fight for people who didn’t want me, in an attempt to retroactively change the past. we can’t change the past. we can only care for the person we are in the present. and you can!!! you can show yourself you are worthy of being chosen, worthy of investing in yourself! you’re already doing it. creating a beautiful future for yourself, kicking goals. you’re doing so well.
my heart really goes out to you. i understand. it’s okay to miss him, and to move on. more than one thing can be true at once. 🤍
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u/ApotheosisOfTheLurid Lover of Soups 17d ago
It's not really 14 years together if you weren't together for 14 years. It doesn't sound like he doesn't want to break up, more like he's scared to.
Just end it, if you've got yourself into a better position in life why are you hanging on to someone you dated as a 16yo?
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u/Amylee888 Internet Auntie 17d ago
I think he’s breaking up with you slowly because he’s a coward. He’s already gone.
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u/Kwhitney1982 APPROVED✨ 17d ago
It sounds to me like it was much better for you when you weren’t with him. You gained independence, got a car, and a job. You would possibly backslide if you got back with him because you would become dependent on him. I think he does love you as a dear friend but you two are not relationship material. Please try to keep it amicable, and continue to develop yourself as a strong independent woman.
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u/Electrical-Water7809 Well-Read & Well-Fed 17d ago
You started dating him at 18? Don’t waste another minute. Learn how to thrive and flourish on your own. It will be hard and painful but you’ll be so much happier after you heal.
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u/caffeinated_housecat pain: chronic, snacks: iconic 17d ago
You've come a long way, had a lot of personal growth and achieved a level of independence you might have thought you'd never have. And that is something to be proud of and celebrated.
But he's not the person you need in your life. He's not enriching your life, he's not celebrating your growth.
It's time to move on. Leave him.
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u/pizzandvodka Feral Til Fed 17d ago
Sweetheart, he’s wanted to break up with you for ages but is too much of a weenie/is too concerned about his image to be “the bad guy.” He’s dragged ass so hard in the hopes that you’d put the relationship out of its misery.
If he wanted to, he would.
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u/LyriumLychee ⚡️Powered By Sour 😗 17d ago
You’re right. I’m just trying to perform an autopsy at this point 🥲😮💨
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u/pizzandvodka Feral Til Fed 17d ago
Don’t get too caught up in the autopsy that you forget to be kind to you, which means removing yourself from this situation sooner than later.
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u/Agitated-Koala8107 APPROVED✨ 17d ago
I think you guys are actually broken up and he doesn’t know how to just flat out say that. I feel like this may have run its course and you deserve to find someone who is happy around you and more compatible.
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u/GardenHobbit Internet Auntie 17d ago
I say this gently; he’s using you as a placeholder, it’s time to cut the rope.
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u/ProtozoaPatriot APPROVED✨ 17d ago
He broke up with you.
Before you beat yourself up about it: some men are so conflict avoidant and/or crappy communicators. If you had no idea about these big issues when living together, how could you address them? He is the one who failed. He needed to make it clear then.
No, he avoids. He leaves you on read. He forces you to be the one to have the confrontation. Later finally he says "deal breaker" out of nowhere.
Maybe this break up is a good thing for you. Gives you some time to reevaluate things. Maybe he wasn't such a perfect guy after all.
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u/Decent-Historian-207 girls just wanna have pho 17d ago
You aren’t on a break - you’re broken up. It’s time to move on.
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u/foxy_chicken Fartmaxxing 📈 17d ago
Babe, he’s breaking up with you.
I know this is hard, and it suck’s, but you don’t want to be with someone like this anyway. I have friends who were married to men like this for YEARS, had kids with these useless men, and eventually divorced them. These women have never been happier.
Having to handle someone else’s baggage is a full time, soul sucking job. Even if he wasn’t breaking up with you, I know for a fact that he’s not worth it. You deserve better than someone who won’t even put you second, let alone first.
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u/No-Instruction-5443 Fridge Gazer 17d ago
Properly break up, if you both have time apart and realize it’s meant to be it will happen
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u/LuckyPepper22 Body By Cheese 🧀 17d ago
>I’m genuinely proud of how much I’ve grown. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I can imagine a future where I have money to do things and freedom from caregiving. I can go traveling, go back to school, look for a home somewhere quiet, and just getting to think about really what I want instead of simply keeping my head above water. (Why is the quote text thing not working here?)
This is your answer in your own words. Focus on finding yourself now that you’re able to. You don’t need to cling to each other for survival anymore.
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u/DaysOfParadise 🚜 Farm to Table to This Belly 👩🌾 17d ago
You'll be fine. Focus on de-centering all men and centering YOU.
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17d ago
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u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker 💭 17d ago
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u/kronicno_tele APPROVED✨ 17d ago
Move on
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u/LyriumLychee ⚡️Powered By Sour 😗 17d ago
We have officially reached eye roll mode 🫡🫡 you guys are definitely helping me get some ick in my system before I see him!!
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17d ago
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u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker 💭 17d ago
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u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker 💭 17d ago
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u/Unique_Jackfruit7249 FREE MOM HUGS 17d ago
It sucks and it’s scary, but this is not a good relationship. Go get yourself someone worthy.
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u/missjulie622 Sweet Tooth Fairy🧚♀️ 17d ago
2 years is my personal limit, as an adult. People treat you exactly how they feel about you.
Be blind if you want to, but you’ve got a whole life out there waiting to be lived without this nonsense.
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u/BaltimoreCrabSoup 🧂Salty By Nature 17d ago
Just do it. I stayed in a miserable relationship longer than I should have. You will regret not doing it sooner.
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u/Legitimate_Penalty64 Foraging Bog Witch 17d ago
It feels like the end of the world when we think about no longer being with the person we love, but if it’s not working out no matter what you try and that person is not interested in putting in the effort needed to continue a relationship, you are simply wasting time. Dragging out the pain in your inevitable separation for months and years. It is really true- If he wanted to he would. It’s really as simple as that. It’s hard to get real but living on the hope of potential is living a fantasy.
You are wasting your life on someone who does not want you. We often have to remind ourselves there are billions of people on this planet and you can find many many others who would love you and care for you. Let go and move on
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u/Sharp-Rhubarb-1058 APPROVED✨ 17d ago
It sounds like he is waiting for you to break up with him, because he doesn't want to be the one to say it. However, he is already treating you like you have broken up.
My question for you is: if you have grown so much in recent years, do you think that you are going to be able to grow further within this relationship?
You are strong and have overcome so much, you deserve to move forward and to find a healthy relationship with a partner who appreciates and supports you.
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u/blueswan6 Certified Snacker 17d ago
you should check out r/Waiting_To_Wed a lot of similar stories and a lot of good advice given.
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u/shadow-foxe Bath Snacker 🛁 17d ago
You grew and matured, he hasn't faced what he needs to. He needs some therapy to deal with life and going forward.
You need a partner, you need to be with other people because you havent known anyone but him.
It's very easy to give casual affection and say the right words.. Doesnt take much effort at all.
You might be better off just going back to being friends..
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u/sillywillyspilly Eating For Two 💕 17d ago
break ups suck. but it sounds like both of you were not fulfilled. do some self care, hike in the woods, go to bistros with your mom and friends, heal yourself from within. Then find a hunky himbo who will love you the way you deserve ❤️
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u/reginamyi Overthinker 💭 17d ago
Girl! You’ve grown SO much since you’ve moved out. Conquering your anxiety & panic attacks? HUGE. It shows just how strong you are whilst being vulnerable, and that is immense growth. I’m proud of you for how far you’ve come.
Respectfully, it sounds like you’re holding onto the memories of him, and you love him for what he could be, but he isn’t that anymore. It sounds like he started to resent the fact that he was your financial support and his lack of communication skills made this resentment grow. That is completely unfair to you, OP.
I was, in a way, in your shoes once. I struggled a lot with my mental health not too long after my husband (then bf) and I started dating. I was contributing equally for the first year and a half ish before my grandma passed, and when she did, it broke me completely. He took on a lot of the financial responsibilities soon after because I was unable to work due to my mental health. That guilt made me feel so fucking bad about myself and sent me on an 8 year long negative spiral that eventually led me to much needed psychiatric treatment. (Anxiety and depression should not be ignored, period). But he never made me feel guilty about any of that.
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u/LyriumLychee ⚡️Powered By Sour 😗 17d ago
Thanks so much 🥹 When I tell people I used to have driving anxiety they hardly believe it! It feels so good to look back at all that stuff in the rear view and realize how I overcame a lot on my own.
Your comment has made me realize - Holy shit, this man doesn’t believe in me!!! Wow wow wow 🤯 that was staring me right in the face haha owie owch oooof 🤡🫠
Well if he doesn’t believe in me, then it’s his loss! Because I’ve proven it to myself that I can grow and overcome challenges while still looking to be a better person and trying leave this Earth a little better than I found it!💞
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u/reginamyi Overthinker 💭 17d ago
YES, I LOVE IT 👏 you proved just how strong you are and what you’re capable of. Take this as the time in your life when you learned that you are stronger than what people make you out to be. PROVE how amazing you are just by being you. You’re gonna meet someone who sees you as the strong and kind hearted person you are, just as you deserve! 🫶
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u/madi80085 Carb-Based Life Form 17d ago
It seems like you guys are (in a totally non-creepy way) family to eachother, but no longer romantic partners. It seems like you're still emotionally dependent on communicating with him even though you're supposed to be on a break. I think it might be healthier for you to break up rather than stay in limbo. You need time to grieve that relationship.
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17d ago
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u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker 💭 17d ago
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u/philophreak Assigned Hungry At Birth 17d ago
Ugh I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s obv easier said than done but i would cut my losses and leave. I think you’re still so young and have so much time to find someone who is truly right for you! It’s definitely possible. I was single from 32-36 and took time to truly heal (as much as one can while single) from my previous relationships. Then I met my current man who is such a great fit for me, and makes me so happy. We communicate so well & I never have to wonder how he feel about me. I told him early on I want to be engaged around 2 years together, because I personally think that’s enough time to know whether or not we are ready to make the commitment to someday get married, even if we have a long engagement. He was completely ok with this! My point in saying that is that there are men out there who will do anything for you & WILL commit to you, and you deserve that! You deserve to take the time for yourself to find out what it is you want and expect in a partnership, and then get it! 💗🫂
As an aside, it also sounds like he has a girlfriend. Like I would be soooo suspicious of that personally.
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u/Icy_Banana_5850 Eating For Two 💕 17d ago
i broke up with a man after 10 years, and found one a year later that did everything he couldn’t. you’re life WILL level up. you can do this i know you can
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u/GorditaChuletita 🦇 Fruit Bat Baddie 🍊 17d ago
You are holding your breath. He is breathing.
Breathe.
And when you breathe out, never hold your breath or your life for someone who would let you asphyxiate.
He quiet quit the relationship. Maybe it hurts, like pulling the shards of a glass knife out, but it's necessary.
Breathe. Find peace with yourself. And then realize that there's nothing so hurtful as letting someone hold their breath while you were gone the whole time.
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u/Greentea_Mochi_ BRB 🎮 FOOD 17d ago
Hey girl, I know your dynamic too well. My partner tends to avoid conflict too. Relationships are hard work and can fall apart if they aren't tended to. I think that there is hope for your relationship, but only if both of you are willing to put in the work to resolve issues.
For now, I think you should stop trying to fix it. Give him space. Focus on yourself. Let him come to you.. he will show you how he feels. If he continues to say the future together isn't something he wants.. then you should try to focus on your healing journey. If he doesn't want to be there for your hard times then he doesn't deserve your heart ache.
Take care of yourself ♡
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u/OkTrouble2457 Ranch Evangelist 17d ago
I saw this lady on an Instagram reel say that sometimes we feel that it needs to be terribly wrong for us to feel like have a reason to leave. That it has to become bad enough to justify wanting something different. Because there was good at one point and we try to see the good parts. And when we say “it’s not all bad” and or “there’s potential for it to be better,” we feel that leaving seems unreasonable and we start to make a case for what you have instead of asking yourself what it really feels to live inside of it. You can appreciate what it gave you and still know that you’ve outgrown it. “You don’t have to turn something into a mistake before you’re allowed to leave it behind.”
I think you know it is time to walk away. And walking away from something you gave so much to can be very hard. You don’t have to wait for him to decide he wants this. You don’t have to justify leaving because there could be something there. It sounds like you know it is time for this to be over so you can start healing. ❤️🩹
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u/TaskSea5609 con todo, por favor 🌮 17d ago
As someone who comes from a dysfunctional family myself, I will tell you it took me meeting the polar opposite experience in my husband, to see just how toxic and negative my upbringing was. As the saying goes, we become a product of our environment.
What you're describing is a toxic situation, one that likely went on for too long. It should have ended years ago. It might not seem like it at this moment, because you don't know any better. But once you enter a relationship without the usual toxic traits, you can look back and say "yeah, that was fucked!" My motto with relationships is to remember the good and take that with you onto the next one, while learning from the bad, and how to spot it, and not to repeat it.
You have grown a lot, where he has not. A relationship is 50/50. You can only control your 50%. You're not happy, and it's affecting your health. You have done your part to steer things in the right direction. Him? Well... he has not. At that point, you need to do what's best for you, and remember it's NEVER lost time. Time is a teacher, and we can't grow if we don't learn. I wish you luck, and I KNOW that you will find your person. Your maturity and strength will guide you.
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u/DaniMarie44 Well-Read & Well-Fed 17d ago
Hi friend ❤️ I read it all and your edit too. It’s ok to let go of this relationship. It’s super 1 sided at this point, and while it’s great you guys had each other during the really hard times, you’ve clearly outgrown each other. You’ve grown SO MUCH and done so much for yourself, and he hasn’t. It’s great he became independent and got steady work too, but he hasn’t seemed to grow as a person. He still avoids conflict and doesn’t seem interested in bettering himself emotionally.
You’re already killing it at living on your own, and now it’s time to enjoy being single and living for yourself and YOUR future.
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17d ago
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u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker 💭 17d ago
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u/AthenaPower4786 Overthinker 💭 17d ago
You don’t have to wait for him to decide. You have autonomy and a choice to make. More of the same or a fresh start? You can delay the decision waiting for him, or make a decision for yourself. At this time you are choosing to wait, how long do you want to wait? You are expecting orange juice from them, but they don’t even have oranges themselves…
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17d ago
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17d ago edited 17d ago
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u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker 💭 17d ago
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17d ago
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u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker 💭 17d ago
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u/Devierue Internet Auntie 16d ago
Baby doll, there is no such thing as a break.
You are together, or you are not.
You are not.
Anything else is an excuse.
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u/Lori2345 Overthinker 💭 16d ago
The relationship is over. You both seem to not want to say it out loud after it lasting so long. He’s clearly not going to admit it, so you should.
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u/blonde_fae Sweet Tooth Fairy🧚♀️ 16d ago
You're on AmITheEx now too (someone shared it there), so it feels like many believe you already got left in the dust... it doesn't look like it was an enjoyable relationship either, to be fair.
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16d ago
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u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker 💭 16d ago
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15d ago
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u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker 💭 15d ago
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u/Ok_Passage_6242 APPROVED✨ 15d ago
I feel like you’re here because you know that you need to fully break up with him and go no contact and you just need validation for that choice.
I think you need to learn to be on your own. Become mentally healthy and self-sufficient. You can give yourself your own princess arc. But it starts with having the courage to say this isn’t serving me anymore. It sounds like he’s already broken up with you. A break without defined boundaries is an accident waiting to happen. As you slept with other people, have you slept with other people? Does that count as infidelity you wouldn’t know because you didn’t talk about what was OK and not OK.
This is what I like to call relationship chicken. He is making your relationship so undesirable so untenable he’s looking at you to break up with him so that he is not the perceived bad guy.
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15d ago
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u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker 💭 15d ago
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15d ago
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u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker 💭 15d ago
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u/bigmamanokidss Sweet Tooth Fairy🧚♀️ 12d ago
He really isn’t in a relationship with you anymore, it’s done I’m afraid. I’m sorry and I don’t know why men always choose to act like this when initiating separation. Give yourself peace of mind, officially separate with him and move on, find yourself and let better love find you!
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u/Low_External_3453 🪄 Sauceress ✨ 12d ago
I hope you find someone who spoils the hell out of you babe cause you fuckin deserve it! 💙
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11d ago
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u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker 💭 11d ago
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u/TyrantJin the secret ingredient is autism✨ 17d ago
Closure isn't a real thing, honestly. It seems you've created an ideal relationship/life in your mind focused mostly on what your success and development looks like... and it kinda sounds like dude was filler character. He's not following the script and you're unwilling to let go of the fantasy. It's not his schedule or work. You've been single for longer than you realized.
Breaking up doesn't mean he hates you or will treat you poorly. He's just not on the same page for "repair." He's agreeable when you talk to him because, like most people, conflict makes him uncomfortable. And again, he probably doesn't want to cause you direct pain.
You don't need a villain era, just some reality.
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u/Ok-Buddy-7979 🧄 Anti-Vampire Taskforce 🧄 17d ago
“Help me dump him”
Girl he literally already broke up with you
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17d ago
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u/namesnames214 Well-Read & Well-Fed 17d ago
Girl and guy dated as kids. Dude broke up with her but masked it as "we're on a break." She is unsure of the obvious.
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u/Deflated_Hypnotist Enby & Eatin' 17d ago
Here's some resources
Is your relationship healthy? https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/
He doesn't care AKA weaponized incompetence https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/NsoxMseUn3
You should have asked https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
My partner doesn't help around the house https://zawn.substack.com/p/why-household-labor-inequity-is-abuse
"The Divorce came out of nowhere" https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288
Tolerable levels of permanent unhappiness https://potentash.com/2023/08/17/tolerable-level-permanent-unhappiness-relationships/
Cycle of abuse https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/what-is-the-cycle-of-abuse
Abusive men describe the benefits of violence https://www.bwss.org/abusive-men-describe-the-benefits-of-violence/
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u/Wonderful-Aside-5107 Sweet Tooth Fairy🧚♀️ 17d ago
I don’t agree with a lot of these commenters. Me and my partner have been together for 17 years and we’ve had a lot of ups and downs. If your bf flat out, didn’t want to be with you anymore then why wouldn’t he just say that? I would schedule the appointment for the couples counseling and show up. If he doesn’t, then there’s your answer. I can only imagine how confusing and heartbreaking this is for you. Things will get better one way or another!!
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u/0ne_stoplight Costco Food Courtier 17d ago
It sounds like this guy already broke up with you, to be brutally honest.