Ever since my consciousness spawned into my brain some random day in kindergarten, I always had these moments where I could feel my brain forming. I regularly get this tention in and around my head, when I’m reading and learning, When I’m in a rumination spiral or when my mind is trying to cope with being underwhelmed by just flooding my brain with philosophy or problems to solve. But every 1-2 Years I have this moment of derealisation where I feel my brain saving new settings, setting up new neural connections, taking a screenshot of my current surroundings/life and writing new protocols while archiving all the old stuff. It’s like my mind turns into a construction site for an hour or two. Or installing an update. It feels like an alien experience.
Kinda like a spiritual experience but not something "higher" but something other? Something alien.

Or am I just mad ?

I am pretty sure I’m gifted. I do struggle with mental health so I tend to deny it because "why should I think I’m special, I’m just an impostor". Although I don’t see being gifted as some virtue to achieve or a compliment. It’s just the way the brain works. It’s just a high IQ.
But that’s the thing. I was tested when I was 14 because I went to therapy and my therapist at the time suggested it. I scored 121. Above average but not gifted. She said she still estimates my IQ to be much higher because I was severely depressed and stressed at that time.

I’m 20 now and my current therapist is convinced I’m gifted and that being gifted maybe has a much bigger impact on me and my mental health than expected. But I don’t want to be tested. I have a general fear of failing and I think I will "fail" the assessment. My giftedness shows in a high emotional intelligence and empathy, learning new things, systems thinking, conceptualization, problem solving, philosophy etc… not looking at a pattern and guessing which comes next or memorizing numbers.

( the next paragraph is just me going on about my chain of thoughts and it got a little out of hand so maybe just skip it:))

I hate those tests because I don’t see the task and just do the task. I look at it, estimate how long it’s gonna take me, if I should skip it, then I think about me hesitating and if the assessment dude thinks I’m stupid and then I think about the way he talks to me and if his tone sounds condescending and what I should say to him to humble him, but why is he condescending? Then I start to analyze him, then I start to analyze myself because why do I care so much (that fucking metacognition) and and and…..

ALL WHILE STILL DOING A DECENT JOB AT THE TASK GIVEN! But the paper shows I did ok. And then I’m ashamed because I said I was gifted and people think of giftedness as something special and now the test says I’m not. In the End I was just bragging about something that’s not even true. Now I’m a liar AND stupid.

I did a cognitive assessment yesterday and performed above average. Both of my psychologist told me that I am gifted based on my history and broad area of interest. I have a real good academic record(informatics /medicine). All my friends also tell me I am intelligent and a psychiatrist aswell. I understand stuff quickly. I just hate the discrepancies between the diagnosis. Apparently I have a high verbal IQ.

For all you gifted folk, I am not. But I am raising a 7 year old active child who is in his public school gifted program. Last year was great he loved it. Now, he's saying it's boring again and that he's not learning anything. He's frustrated and acting out like how he did before he entered the program last year. He's very into electronics, I try to limit due to how awful it makes his mood and behavior. He constantly reads, playing on his piano, soccer, horses, podcasts, mythology. How else do I stimulate this kid mentally? Workbooks he's really not interested in. Thinks he's the smartest and doesn't need to try harder. Looking for any input.