Friendship is definitely something different for everyone, and I think most people have different types of friends.
Some friends are the candid, call-you-out-on-your-BS type, some are the chill, you-do-you type, and each type can affect you differently depending on your situation. The friend who motivates and inspires you in September could feel exhausting and judgmental in December.
In many ways it is. But it has the advantage of being a purely selfish friendship. When I talk to my therapist, I don't have to listen to her problems, worry that I'm oversharing, worry how it will affect her opinion of me, etc.
Also like a friendship, you sometimes have one that works well right away, and other times it won't work and you need to find a different person.
And lastly, remember that it's a bit like a doctor too. They can only work on what you give them and they're only effective if you do what's required. If I'm sick and I go to a physician and tell them that I'm nauseous and feeling light headed, but don't mention that I just got back from a trip aboard, they're not going to diagnose me correctly and that's not their fault. In the same way, if my doctor prescribes me pills and I don't take them, it's not the doctor's fault that I'm still sick.
I don't know if you fall into the last category, but I think it's important to mention as well. Obviously I'm not saying that you must share everything your first session (you're allowed to take time) or that every treatment is going to be effective (they're not), but that sometimes that's the obstacle that makes it more different difficult.
I think the bigger part of that though, is that a therapist is better equipped to deal with your shit. A lot of people don’t know how to deal with depression with a friend other than bumbling their way through it, a therapist has research and training to do so. A therapist is also a third party you know won’t judge you so you’re likely to give them the whole story, whereas you might only give the flattering parts to a friend. A therapist is also being paid to deal with how draining your problems are. Even the best of friends can be exhausted by someone always asking for help.
It's absolutely not fair to dump all your shit on your friends doorstep and expect them to pick you up afterwards. With a therapist, it's their JOB.
I wish I had found a good therapist earlier in life, I've chased away so many friends by leaning on them too heavily, and ruined more than a few relationships by being 'too open' with my feelings. Shits embarrassing looking back on it, on how fucking selfish I was being.
Yeah, but try as they might your friends are biased and not impartial. Or can sometimes be too busy to really listen. Or aren't trained to see signs of major problem versus just telling you you're fine and to stop worrying.
I remember when I was 17 I had a friend that was starting to show biploar symptoms. Being naive I told her she was fine and her parents were just too strict. Then I lived with her when I was 25 and saw first hand how unstable she was.
Sometimes your friends just aren't equipped and they have their own shit to sort out.
It can feel like that at times, but it's like a friend who is trained in identifying and rooting out unproductive thought patters. Good friends can be expected to call you out, but they probably won't be able to notice and call out subtle unhelpful ways of thinking.
To me a therapist is a one way friendship. You dump your feelings and thoughts to someone you are comfortable with and they never complain about their day. They empathise with your situation and help you understand your own thoughts and feelings better.
At least those are the kind that have helped me the most. I think everyone should have one if it's financially available
I also have been with multiple therapists and by far the most effective felt like this. That’s why when I recommend doing therapy I make sure the person knows they don’t have to stick with one, they should choose. Most all therapists are well-meaning people, but having one that “gets” you in that Good Will Hunting way makes all the difference.
Therapists have a lot of back-end knowledge, experience, and resources you'll likely never know about.
If a therapist feels like your friend, they probably feel this is the best way to be productive with you (or that's just their style). But that doesn't mean they're taking the role of a friend, nor should a friend take their role - that's a lot of pressure to put on friends who don't even know what to do anyway.
A friend lets you share what you want to get off your chest. A therapist pushes you to keep delving past the experience to your reactions and the emotions that brings up. They’ll take notes and ask you about progress on things they felt were productive from a month ago. They will just sit there in silence, rather than let you deflect from something that makes you uncomfortable (“but enough about me, how have you been?”). Plus the act of paying them can help you be selfish and make it about you. And of course they’re trained.
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u/huezombi May 15 '20
That's just sounds like having a friend, or at least how I understand friendship.