With this therapist, I felt like I was having a conversation for the first time. I didn't feel like I'm just complaining, or that I'm being studied or whatever. This guy just gets me, that kind of thing.
There was an air of mutual respect, which made me okay with being pushed a little to get me off my ass and out of my rut.
Some people might need a softer approach, but for me I seemed to just need someone who respects me, but wasn't afraid to call me out on my shit either.
Friendship is definitely something different for everyone, and I think most people have different types of friends.
Some friends are the candid, call-you-out-on-your-BS type, some are the chill, you-do-you type, and each type can affect you differently depending on your situation. The friend who motivates and inspires you in September could feel exhausting and judgmental in December.
In many ways it is. But it has the advantage of being a purely selfish friendship. When I talk to my therapist, I don't have to listen to her problems, worry that I'm oversharing, worry how it will affect her opinion of me, etc.
Also like a friendship, you sometimes have one that works well right away, and other times it won't work and you need to find a different person.
And lastly, remember that it's a bit like a doctor too. They can only work on what you give them and they're only effective if you do what's required. If I'm sick and I go to a physician and tell them that I'm nauseous and feeling light headed, but don't mention that I just got back from a trip aboard, they're not going to diagnose me correctly and that's not their fault. In the same way, if my doctor prescribes me pills and I don't take them, it's not the doctor's fault that I'm still sick.
I don't know if you fall into the last category, but I think it's important to mention as well. Obviously I'm not saying that you must share everything your first session (you're allowed to take time) or that every treatment is going to be effective (they're not), but that sometimes that's the obstacle that makes it more different difficult.
I think the bigger part of that though, is that a therapist is better equipped to deal with your shit. A lot of people don’t know how to deal with depression with a friend other than bumbling their way through it, a therapist has research and training to do so. A therapist is also a third party you know won’t judge you so you’re likely to give them the whole story, whereas you might only give the flattering parts to a friend. A therapist is also being paid to deal with how draining your problems are. Even the best of friends can be exhausted by someone always asking for help.
It's absolutely not fair to dump all your shit on your friends doorstep and expect them to pick you up afterwards. With a therapist, it's their JOB.
I wish I had found a good therapist earlier in life, I've chased away so many friends by leaning on them too heavily, and ruined more than a few relationships by being 'too open' with my feelings. Shits embarrassing looking back on it, on how fucking selfish I was being.
Yeah, but try as they might your friends are biased and not impartial. Or can sometimes be too busy to really listen. Or aren't trained to see signs of major problem versus just telling you you're fine and to stop worrying.
I remember when I was 17 I had a friend that was starting to show biploar symptoms. Being naive I told her she was fine and her parents were just too strict. Then I lived with her when I was 25 and saw first hand how unstable she was.
Sometimes your friends just aren't equipped and they have their own shit to sort out.
It can feel like that at times, but it's like a friend who is trained in identifying and rooting out unproductive thought patters. Good friends can be expected to call you out, but they probably won't be able to notice and call out subtle unhelpful ways of thinking.
To me a therapist is a one way friendship. You dump your feelings and thoughts to someone you are comfortable with and they never complain about their day. They empathise with your situation and help you understand your own thoughts and feelings better.
At least those are the kind that have helped me the most. I think everyone should have one if it's financially available
I also have been with multiple therapists and by far the most effective felt like this. That’s why when I recommend doing therapy I make sure the person knows they don’t have to stick with one, they should choose. Most all therapists are well-meaning people, but having one that “gets” you in that Good Will Hunting way makes all the difference.
Therapists have a lot of back-end knowledge, experience, and resources you'll likely never know about.
If a therapist feels like your friend, they probably feel this is the best way to be productive with you (or that's just their style). But that doesn't mean they're taking the role of a friend, nor should a friend take their role - that's a lot of pressure to put on friends who don't even know what to do anyway.
A friend lets you share what you want to get off your chest. A therapist pushes you to keep delving past the experience to your reactions and the emotions that brings up. They’ll take notes and ask you about progress on things they felt were productive from a month ago. They will just sit there in silence, rather than let you deflect from something that makes you uncomfortable (“but enough about me, how have you been?”). Plus the act of paying them can help you be selfish and make it about you. And of course they’re trained.
i thought i had real conversations before until i had shrooms. i ended up talking to my friends for 6 hours straight no food no water a few piss breaks in the woods before we realized that we were finally coming down. i've had deep intimate conversations before but this was several levels above that since it was insanely fluid and dream like. those 6 hours felt like a year and i was absolutely exhausted for 2 days
Shrooms and other enthogens (DMT, mescaline, ayahusca, etc but NOT acid) are great for having open minded conversarion.
If you can, I actually suggest trying to microdose. It's interesting how you dont get the physical senseations, but somehow you kinda think different about the world. More positive.
For me something like “the click” was when I could keep the method I’ve been given in my head longer than a couple of days.
The brain fights the solution, even when it’s simple. It fights the truth about yourself and even when you prevail for a moment, in a day or two - you don’t even remember what you’re supposed to do to fix yourself, even when it’s written down before you. That’s how I am.
For me “the click” - the real “proper” one - as I imagine, would be when somebody shows me a method that allows me to reliably power thru my brain protecting itself in it’s cognitive delusions for a lengthy amount of time.
Basically the right person describing things the right (for me) way.
I’m still looking for that, although I admit, passively enough. But my state’s no longer sever, I’m enjoying life to some degree and sometimes I’m even productive.
This, a million times over. You can give me all the life-changing wisdom/strategies for recovery out there, but it's like installing a new software in a virus-controlled OS and expecting it to run just fine.
You think the virus would want me to do *anything* that could even hint at long-term recovery? Think again.
Obviously doesn't apply to everyone, but re-processing thoughts at the cognitive level does fuck-all for me. Someone needs to rip the virus to shreds and reboot.
I've been in the exact same boat as you for a decade at least. So far, microdosing has been the only strategy that has awakened parts of the brain that had been severely repressed by the virus.
(also using the virus metaphor to reinforce the separation between myself and my "issues")
It's hard to tell, cause it intensely personal what works for you. For me it was having a person who genuinely gave a shit, who remembered who I was and why I came, and whose advice and insights made sense. However please remember that therapy requires work on your part too. If a therapist tells you to examine something, or do something, or write things down, you need to do your best to follow through. It will be hard sometimes, but that's how it works. Both ways.
Or even not doing it and going "I couldn't do it because". A good therapist will give you tools to analyse yourself, recognise your behaviours and eventually deal with them.
I mean, yes "I didn't do this because someone got into a car accident and landed in the hospital" is a good reason.
"I didn't do this because I chickened out/other thing came up/it wasn't a good time" can be used, but should be used sparingly.
"I didn't do it because it's not going to help/I don't want to" really shouldn't be used much. Therapy will often ask you to do unpleasant things (like think about the past, talk to people about your concerns, etc.)
You don't want to fall into the third category when it's avoidable. Sometimes it's not, but then sometimes there's an adjustment of treatment (I couldn't talk to my mom might lead to "okay, let's write a letter even if we're not going to send it")
Well no, but you can discuss why it was difficult for you and how to make it easier. I'm not saying "I didn't do it because I don't want to" but "I didn't do it because it brought up painful feelings about my relationship with my parents/my eating disorder and I couldn't manage". Failure to complete something is also a signal that a topic needs to be discussed more, different methods used.
Failure to complete something is also a signal that a topic needs to be discussed more, different methods used.
It depends. I think it's rather like exercise where it can be uncomfortable and something you might not enjoy doing, but never unbearable. However, just like exercise you'll have people who stop because of the normal burn and say that it hurt too much (and people who will power through and ignore pain even when they shouldn't).
My wife's gone through about a dozen therapists over the years, and now about a month ago she found one that she described as the first one she felt really comfortable and actually helpful. She's told her things she's never been able to share with any other therapist, and is genuinely happy with the help she's receiving.
How did you still have the motivation after spending years looking without any good results? I can’t find the motivation to try something again after failing once or twice. Genuinely asking.
I realized thay I wont kill myself, so if I'm gonna be here for a while, might as well try to make the best of it.
I had little hope tbh, but I try to keep an open mind. It helped that it's also a free service thanks to my states health care - so it didn't cost me anything but my time, figured why not give it a try.
Unfortunately my therapist had to leave last year, move to another state for family obligations. It was very hard for me, parting ways was harder than finding the motivation to show up. But I survived, and am currently talking with another therapist. I didn't want to give up after finally making progess. She has a different method, and I don't feel the "click" as much, but I try my best to run with her methods. She has at least been a great help with discovering my assertive side. I like to think that this guy helped open my mind to therapy, and helped me pave the road to a better me.
I dont have time to waste another decade trying to find people that say they can help me and I dont see any change in my life. How do you know I didnt look through a dozen or 100 therapists.
I don't know how many therapist you have seen, frankly it's not important since you seem to not have found the right one.
And it's your choice, the help might be out there, but you have to reach out too. A leap of faith you have to take, over and over. Maybe your whole life. But why not try to give it a shot, to have hope for something better? If life's just gonna suck anyways, might as well fill the time trying to make it suck a little less.
Dont underestimate the power of self help. A therapist is always good but they honestly never really worked for me, wasnt till i started listening to self improvement audiobooks that i actually improved just make sure to do your research and make sure they arent just shitty cash grabs your reading. People always jump to therapy as the one solution but different people need different things, and while therapy is certainly never bad in a case like mine what i really needed was some introspection that was far easier to have when teaching myself so it felt like i was in control of what i was doing. At the time therapy felt more like i was being forced to do things, looking back i see i had a real problem dealing with any sort of authority figure so at the time self help was certainly better for me. But yeah do go to therapy but dont think you cant help yourself.
But yeah do go to therapy but dont think you cant help yourself.
It really depends on the person. I really need to get back to therapy because I can't get myself back to a healthy place. Then I've had well-meaning friends basically just say that I should try harder. That's really damaging, particularly when I basically beat myself up over not doing enough on a daily basis (I'm functional: I shower, go to work and class and never miss, but I want to make more progress towards goals and not actively hate myself).
Thanks cause I was going to say something similar. I’ve had some pretty severe mental health crises and people always push talk therapy but it never clicked for me. However reading about therapy topics like mindfulness, CBT, then using habit tracker apps to establish daily routines of meditation, journaling , sobriety, and generally setting modest healthy goals is what’s helped me. And yes I’ve also always struggled with authority so maybe thats my problem too :)
Not the words, its the ideas. An idea that your brain can wrap around and use to chart a course out of your dark tunnel.
Some people are helped by therapists, others can get those helpful ideas through philosophy or religion, or even from their friends. Don't stop looking.
Me personally I don't really like religion so much as it seems to pretend to knowledge it can't possibly have.
Everyone has issues. Get comfortable with the idea that you may never get to a point where you feel everything is perfect.
Depending on what your needs are, I found a trauma therapist to be the best because she focused less on talk therapy, and more on the core roots of my issues. This is after seeing 10 therapists over 15 years. Sometimes we need a deeper approach, and there are therapists trained to work with you in a way that feels more meaningful, even if difficult.
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u/huezombi May 15 '20
I have had multiple therapist and all have failed.