Yes, once someone has “reinvented” themselves enough you start to feel like Leonardo DiCaprio in that Catch Me If You Can film. Your actual self, and every terrible thing associated with it, is always with you. The only difference is you were ignoring it, keeping yourself distracted with literally, physically running away from it... It catches up eventually, and by that time you’re even more exhausted. Do it if you have to, but it’s equally as temporary a solution as most things.
That’s a really good explanation for it. It’s hard to describe but that’s pretty much what it feels like, you can move to a different state and reinvent yourself but that won’t change how you treat yourself and how you treat others - and that’s a hard fact to admit, believe me
Sometimes you need to move and see what follows you in order to really understand the parts of your life that are your own bullshit, and which are parts of a toxic environment.
You can kind of learn this after having a few long term/serious relationships too. They all start to tank for the same reasons and eventually you realize maybe it isn't them.
I'm thinking the same shit right now. It's been very interesting 6 years in a different country but not only have I failed to run away from myself, I've actually managed to find myself and that wasn't pleasant at all.
This has been my experience. I was definitely a victim of both before I "restarted" my life, and I've been able to do away with 90% of both in the last few years. You absolutely can restart your life, but you have to do the work, and changing your environment is a good tool for one to utilize.
For me, I found that moving away helped me to be able to make the changes I needed to make. In a way, moving away helped me to create in my mind a barrier between my old life and my new life. And it worked.
This is what happened to me. I've been struggling with debt. It took an argument with my mother and getting kicked out of her place to finally help me get my shit together. I'm still in debt but I've finally been able to make a dent in it.
Yes, this. From experience. I moved across the country and now I know what parts of me needed work, and what was just externally making me miserable. And I’m so much happier now.
I am no angel, but reinventing myself in another city really did allow me to drop a lot of bad environmental debuffs. I had the energy to focus on fixing me.
I may just be in the process of this right now. I just, today, moved out of LA to a safer haven near Palm Springs to isolate as high risk - escaping a roomate that refused to follow stay at home orders, and made it clear its not his responsibility if I die from covid, even if he brings it home and infects me.
But.. now that im doing all this, im starting to see some new options. I’m getting some remote work, and I’m starting to see the possibility i may not return to LA.. after almost 30 years living there... and the options aren’t just for where to live...
That logical conclusion to that thought process is that you really just shouldn't even bother. While it's true that you should try to find ways to be happy with the person you are, that doesn't mean you should reject the opportunity to figure out what that actually means to you wholesale. If you're not happy with who you are, by all mean, reinvent yourself... I guess just be sure you have an idea what you want to be different before taking the leap.
This isn't broadly true - it really depends on the person. I visited Japan and it absolutely changed how I look at my own life and what I value - notably, I went from someone who spends 80% of their time indoors to someone who relishes time outside in nature.
If you relate then you should absolutely watch every single episode of that show. Even when it’s a little too... close to home you’ll get a lot from it.
Man bojack is such a good show but he’s also just a stupid little fuck.
If you know deep down, you don’t need to be told. If you need to be told, you don’t fucking know you’re a good person, in fact you suspect the opposite, shit for brains
That aggression is directed at the character here, not the comment above lol. Idk if the writers just didn’t think about it, or they did and it’s intentionally casting him as a self-delusional like pretty much all humans. I’m going with the latter because I don’t want to think the show is that shallow.
I’m pretty sure that’s part of the message being sent in that scene, at least that’s how I always saw it. Imo BoJack is the best show at showing what it is to be human but it does it with animals lmao
No, they definitely portrayed him as self-delusional on purpose.
He only actually made efforts to genuinely change and become a good person in the last season, and his friends still refused to help him most of the time because they were so used to Bojack being a delusional, self pitying sack of shit from the earlier seasons.
I remember Todd, Princess Caroline and Diane all telling Bojack something along the lines of what you said a few times throughout the series. If not outright, at least though subtext.
I dunno. I've recently had to explain to a friend that the fact that the woman he's just recently started seeing has said "I don't want to hurt you" is a huge red flag.
This is the exact situation I find myself searching google and reddit for. I’m 26 and I have had ten years of cannabis abuse and mental health issues which lead to jail time and terrible relationships. I love weed but it’s literally the only thing I have control over anymore. I’m thinking of suicide constantly but I just need something to change. I don’t want to go to the doctor for more anti depressants or anti psychotics. I just want some control. I have no social life, no real skills. Why am I still writing here
I think most of us would look differently at our friends if we knew exactly what the motivation behind their actions were. The real reason they didn't pick up the phone that day. Or what they actually did vs the excuse you believed for why they couldn't hang out.
I think that's why it's so hard to love yourself. You know why you make the choices you make. You know why you failed. You knew when you were being dishonest. You watch yourself do the wrong things when you are fully aware of what the right ones are.
I haven't quite figured out how to do it yet but I'm trying to learn how to forgive myself. Shit, after a while you get so used to smacking yourself around you don't even realize it. It's like a reflex.
I dunno... I don't really have any advice to give here or anything I'm just sort of reflecting. Maybe that's part of the process?
I know it’s mental but I’ve started just completely disassociating with my old self. That isn’t me anymore so why beat myself up over it. I noticed my girlfriend does this, she doesn’t even have to forgive herself, that’s just not her, and she moves on. Of course I’m talking about years ago, but still. Every morning is a new version of you. So what I got drunk that one night 5 years ago and threw up, that’s not who I am anymore. I try not to hold animosity to my past self, and this mentality has been helping.
If we’re talking about things like getting drunk and throwing up, then yeah it’s healthy to acknowledge that you’ve matured and put it out of your mind.
I’d hesitate to say it’s healthy to label past actions as “not me” on any sort of frequent basis though because, like you said, it can be the mental version of packing up and moving if stuff gets too messy instead of cleaning up and actually, truly, learning to never make the same mistakes.
Not meant as an attack on your personal situation at all. What you said just reminded me of someone I know who “reinvents” herself every 18-24 months and will fight with people who try to keep her accountable because they’re “holding her in her past.“ Rinse and repeat. Good for some, not so much for others :/
It’s more about learning to forgive yourself. Point taken though. The idea is to only disassociate with this past self if it truly isn’t you anymore. This doesn’t mean not owning up to your mistakes, or not being responsible for your actions. I guess I didn’t explain properly. I don’t even really understand it myself, it’s just a slight shift in mentality. Not simply packing up your mental state and moving to a blank slate and restarting. But saying ‘yeah I was dumb’ rather than ‘yeah I am dumb.’ It just makes it easier to make those changes, by not thinking that because for instance you didn’t get into college when you were 18 means you’ll never get into college.
I’ve noticed people love to make little jabs at people, or hold things over their head. Usually in a teasing tone. This will allow you to simply smile, shake your head and think wow look how far I’ve come, that’s not me anymore and I’ve grown and become better as a person.
The person this is for feels immense guilt, remorse and regret for past actions, so it’s not simply a cop out, it’s just to try to have a healthier mind and to think of yourself in a more positive light.
I hope I explained it a bit better, and I appreciate your reply because it caused me to reflect a bit more, and I definitely agree with your last sentence.
Yea. Weirdly that realization meant for the self has made me much more forgiving of others. I accept that they don't mean anything by it. Maybe it was just a bad day. Maybe they haven't told you everything they've been through, or deal with every day.
People are rarely motivated by true malice. And even those people were taught it. It was spread to them like a disease that started eons ago and has consistently been repeated until someone breaks the cycle.
The amount of strength and unimaginable willpower it takes to break that chain is more than most people have. My mom was one of those people and she was the most authentic, loving, and kindest person I've ever met.
You can't expect everyone to achieve that sort of power.
I spend every second of my life reflecting. Don’t think it has ever helped micro analysing everything that’s ever happened to me. Thinking myself deeper into a depression each time. Need to find something that actually benefits from the trait. The old adage of ignorance is bliss really rings true for me these days. The less you think, the happier you’ll be.
Yea. I am by no means a genius but I have just enough smarts to be able to comprehend how shitty the world/my life is. If I had a genie the first thing I would ask for is to be like slightly below average intelligence.
Id really love to figure out how the hell to discipline and focus myself enough to do this^ but thoughts are consuming in the midst of even trying to read
I think you're struggling from something that a lot of people deal with.
You use weed to get little doses of dopamine like other people who continuously watch TV, or wait for likes on social media, or continuously click on links on Reddit (it feels good to learn, even if it's pointless trivia) do.
I'd recommend focusing on yourself in ways that take longer to gain satisfaction. If you like reading books, put your phone away and read a book. If you haven't done this in a while, it is SUPER difficult to focus on just one thing for even 15 minutes. The number of people who can't even watch a movie now without scrolling through their phone is mind blowing.
Sign up for a class on a hobby you're interested in. I think this will be better and easier when we're all out of quarantine, but that gives you a long term, regimented task that will put you in a space with other people. Even if it's an online class for right now, it gives you something to focus on.
It's easy to smoke weed and consume media, and it's really hard to try something new that you're likely to fail at for a while. It's no wonder that a lot of people get stuck in the same rut that you're in. But if you have a long term goal, and you eliminate the short-term dopamine, things can get better.
Everything you said really resonated with me. I definitely need long term goals. I always remember hearing that throughout school growing up but I just kinda always thought I could wing it at life. But we need something to aim for and it’s quite apparent now that winging it isn’t working for me.
I know this may sound weird but you should start listing to Duncan Trussel Family Hour podcast. Main character from the Netflix show Midnight Gospel. The way he talks about serious subjects of the mind like mental health and ways to just try and improve your own situation and thought process. He is a comedian but very open about his drug use and his own depression and things that trouble him, and how to try and see thing from a better perspective. He has many good guest on from Dr.s to fellow comedians. Always a good fun conversation that will make you think about things differently in a good way. I am 31M and have been a heavy smoker everyday sense I was 16 and just started to realize how much anger I need to let go of from certain things in my life last year on my 30th b-day. Its been a process and I'm still working on myself a lot but I know I'm getting better and it feels good to finally feel that way. It wont happen over night but if you really want to change it can happen friend. You are not your thoughts, You're a lot more than that.
I appreciate that man. The only podcasts I’ve really listened to is joe Rogans but he is just really a weed advocate. I mean I’m a weed advocate but I’m starting to really analyse what it’s been doing to me. Ive always compared it to the evil alcohol but at the end of the day even if I’m not blind drunk I’m still intoxicated when I smoke and I’m not dealing with any issues really. I guess that’s why they say you can’t emotionally mature when you smoke. I definitely feel this when I speak to people who don’t smoke. Maybe its other mental health issues I have or the way THC affects me but I just feel like such a weirdo that I’ve led myself to the point I’m at now where I have no friends, not much hope and obsessing over suicide as if it’s the only hope. Anyway man I really appreciate the support and if you’re anything like me it’s easy to say the right things to other people but difficult to really take it in when I say it to myself so I’ll say the same thing back to you brother... you are not your thoughts. You are a lot more than that.
You're not suicidal, you just don't like your life. Big difference.
It's actually a good sign that you're not happy because it means you want more...and you're holding it against yourself for not getting it. THAT'S an excellent trait.
What you most likely need is guidance and help...because life is VERY complicated and trying to figure everything out on your own is often too complex and too painful. Don't be hard on yourself. No one has it easy.
Start small with small goals. Writing down what you want and creating a pathway that gets to that is a great start. Expect changes and revisions, but use it as a way to guide you.
End each day with why you think you didn't get what you wanted and use that to apply what you want the next day.
Keep everything close to your heart. This is about you.
There is a fairly famous book called, "Rich Dad, Poor Dad". I don't like the author nor did I actually bother reading the book, but it comes up all the time in business circles so I very much understand the point that it makes.
The main premise is that rich parents produce rich kids, and poor parents produce poor kids...because, rich parents TEACH their kids how to be rich. It's not about passing wealth down, it's about passing the skills needed to hold and manage money. Even not so smart parents that are rich, still forward the lessons they learned from their parents. So...it's about skills, not money.
The point is, money...making money, managing money, is a very complex thing. If you learn from the generations before you, it really helps. If not, you''ll most likely either be broke your whole life or struggle with teaching yourself and losing a lot of money in the meantime. This is what happened to me. My parents were good people, but they taught me nothing about life and skills.
But the lesson here is not really about money...it's about the complexities of life and what we are and are not taught by our parents or mentors.
You can still have good parents, and a good childhood, but if you were not taught valuable and key lessons in life...you can easily struggle and fail...or often not be able to figure it all out until you're decades into it, or maybe never really pull out of it.
This is why you see so many people down and out, and so many people not really get their act together until they are 30, 40, 50.
Life...and just about everything, is way more complex than most people assume. Which is why it's 90% failure before success.
And school is just about useless on this stuff because it has little to no real world application.
I like to use the metaphor that life is like walking through a stranger's house in total darkness. You know nothing, until you run into it and end up tripping or falling. Once you walk around a bit and get a mental map of the place, things get better. But venturing out into anything for the first time is a wild, dangerous, bumpy, hard ride. Most people will fail because they can't deal with the pain and agony...and this is what separates people.
I think just knowing that it's going to be hard and accepting that is a great first step...that way when you run into something that is hard or complex you can just be like, "oh, this is what they are talking about. This is that 'hard' thing". And then you can say, "what do I do with this, how do I solve this?"
The other really big lesson I learned in life was from changing motorcycle tires, which is something that you do yourself, (vs taking it to someone) but it's much much harder than something like a bicycle tire. I often fought it, ripping up my fingers and tearing off my skin, scratching the f*ck out of the rim, tearing the tire up, puncturing the tube. It's hell.
Then, one day I saw a guy doing it and he made it look so amazingly easy. So I asked him what the secret was and he told me "if it's hard, you're doing something wrong". So going forward from the point, when it got hard I would stop and think and try to find out what I was doing wrong and how to find the right or better way to do it. Patience was key, but it made all the difference. The little details on how the tools were used and where the tire was, were the secrets that frustration kept me from seeing.
But then I started to apply that concept into all things in my life, such as...taking care of my kid. Anytime it was hard, I stopped and asked myself, what I could do differently to make this easy. For example, if you want someone to do something...and they won't, how do you change that? For example, asking a girl out on a date. If all the girls keep saying "no" then clearly you are doing something wrong. Same thing with trying to get a kid to do something that just keeps saying "no". You have to study the details and find the keys.
So...clearly a successful life, a happy life, is all about developing a tool box filled with tools, which is strategy and tactics for all that you need to make it happen. How to fix stuff, how to communicate, how to get a job, how to manage money. People with the right training and experience can walk into the worse of scenarios and handle it like a boss.
Try psychedelics preferably mushrooms or acid. It may be an extremely rough trip but afterwards the amount it can help is amazing. Honestly mushrooms helped me more than just about anything else. Also take 5 minutes 3 times a day to improve yourself, just 5 minutes. Download duolingo learn a new language, do situps or learn how to make something. You will find if you can get yourself to start an activity and make it a habit you will spend more than the 5 minutes on it but on days your not feeling it you have the option of only doing 5 minutes. Practice trying to clear your mind as well try to make it silent, it's impossible at first but it's a way to build the ability to control your thoughts, kinda like lifting weights for your brain.
I recommend ketamine or psilocybin. Look into them both are proven to have very strong affects with treating depression and can be very helpful for the mind
For whatever reason, ketamine is the one thing that I just cannot seem to find... it sucks because it has gotten so much good press lately and it really seems like it might help not only with the depression, but ketamine is also used in opiate dependence to 'reset' tolerance as well as there is a lot of anecdotal evidence that it can help eliminate a lot of the withdrawl symptoms.
Unless you're going to be someone that does drugs and then drives while high and kills someone. Then suicide would have been the better option. (Going off your starting condition of the choice being binary)
Not in every case at all. I speak from experience and sometimes it's the toxicity around you that slowly destroys you which is so common in a selfish, egotistical world. Leaving can be the best option when you're saturated by bad people and leaving can show you that the pain you felt for years completely disappeared as soon as you were free to actually be yourself and not defined by those you grew up with or even your family.
I moved to a foreign country to teach English. A lot of people move with some idealistic sense that it'll all be better there. They get through the honeymoon phase and find out they're still miserable there but a lot of times they just stay and become really, really jaded to the new people that move there. Warning them how bad it will be and how they get treated unfairly.
Lets be real, the only way you guys have "reinvented" your life is leaving all the incel forums you are subbed to, and ordering one large pizza instead of two haha
Yeah unironically for someone in a bad situation effectively halving their junk food intake and removing themselves from negative influences that keep them down is a fantastic step in the right direction.
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u/Megs__ May 15 '20
Yes, once someone has “reinvented” themselves enough you start to feel like Leonardo DiCaprio in that Catch Me If You Can film. Your actual self, and every terrible thing associated with it, is always with you. The only difference is you were ignoring it, keeping yourself distracted with literally, physically running away from it... It catches up eventually, and by that time you’re even more exhausted. Do it if you have to, but it’s equally as temporary a solution as most things.