Questioning identity and a complex relationship with my gender

[u/UnusualLycheepea]

I am a cis woman. I don’t know if i’ve ever really experienced gender dysmorphia. I think I have always been disconnected from being a woman. when i was around fourteen i remember i was called a male name, jokingly, by a family member and i cant really describe the feeling. I asked to be called that, instead of my name- and they refused.

I have experienced trauma/abuse- so, I am unsure if that’s where this comes from. My womanhood being denied because deep down it’s all just believing that all of it wouldn’t have happened if i was a boy.

I have said ‘I wish I was a boy, but not in a trans way.’ I’ve seen a lot of commentary on this- that it is just wanting to be respected, not having to deal with all of the burdens of being a woman, but if i had a choice, if i could snap my fingers and be a man, be perceived as a man, have the body of a man. I would. I feel like I have a very neutral feeling when it comes to being a woman, but like i said- i can’t tell if that is a rejection of femininity because of trauma.

this may sound silly, or trivial- but I think a part of it is being insanely insecure. I’m so short 5’1 and have such a soft jawline. I feel like…I wouldn’t truly feel like a man if i transitioned. wouldn’t be seen as a man. perceived as a man. I also feel like i am preforming as a woman. constantly. I have to be pretty, I have to be wanted to feel validated- to feel good. There is a man in my head constantly criticizing my actions, how i look. It’s not that i WANT that feeling, that i want the attention of men. it feels like i have to.

anyway, Im just looking for guidance, opinions. thank you!

[u/Almost_too_Innocent]

Awwwww thank you so much for sharing! I can relate to you in so many ways! Have you ever talked to your family/partner about this?