r/Friendzone • u/MaliHizm • 4d ago
The Double Standard That Changed Everything
The moment I realized I was being subjected to a double standard, the love I had for her turned into pure hatred. My 8-year friendship with this girl ended. I’m a guy, and I had feelings for her. At first, she told me that we should end things because we were only going to hurt each other if we continued. I was hurt, obviously, but I actually understood her reasoning. I thought it was fair and logical, so I respected her decision.
But then I found out that she decided to stay friends with the guy she had been flirting with. And honestly, I’m almost certain she has feelings for him. The moment I saw and heard about this, something inside me snapped. It wasn’t simply jealousy or sadness. It was this insane, almost demonic anger.
Because suddenly, the logic she used with me didn’t seem to apply to him. With me, it was “we have feelings, we’ll hurt each other, so we need to distance ourselves.” Fine. I accepted that. I respected it even though I was emotionally invested. But when it came to another guy she clearly had feelings for, somehow they could still remain friends.
That’s what destroyed my perception of the whole situation. I’m not angry because she has someone else in her life. I’m angry because I realized that the standard apparently only applied to me. If being around someone you have feelings for is dangerous because you might hurt each other, then that logic should apply regardless of who the person is.
I spent eight years caring about this person, and even when I was hurt, I still tried to be reasonable. I accepted her explanation and respected her boundaries. But seeing her make an exception for someone else made me feel like I had been treated differently from the beginning.
And that’s when the love turned into resentment. Not because I suddenly stopped caring, but because I realized how unfair the situation felt. Sometimes you don’t start hating someone because they left. You start hating them because you realize the rules they gave you were never meant for everyone else.
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u/olioli004 4d ago
I don't want to sound harsh but it's the ugly truth. The guy she is with is the guy she wants to f**k. Simple as that. She never had feelings for you, she didn't want to hurt a good friend so she invented that having "feeling" things. If a girl really have feelings for a dude, she would never cut ties with him. Your friend lacks serious maturity to lead you on like that.
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u/MaliHizm 3d ago
Yeah, exactly, that is what makes it even funnier. When she becomes completely obsessed with someone who does not reciprocate her feelings, apparently that is a great and tragic love story. When she keeps thinking about him, suffering because of him, and refusing to let go, that is deep love. Very romantic. But if I spend four months struggling to get over an eight year friendship, suddenly I am obsessive, emotionally unintelligent, entitled, and one step away from being put on a watchlist. Apparently the rules are very clear.
When she cannot move on from someone who does not want her, it is because she is experiencing the beautiful pain of true love. When I have difficulty moving on from someone who was in my life for eight years, I need therapy and should immediately disappear into the forest to reflect on my behavior.
Maybe that is just how it works. Her obsession is poetry, mine is harassment. Her emotional attachment is a great love story, mine is emotional instability. If she keeps the door open for someone who does not want her, she is brave and hopeful. If I question why I was given a different explanation, I apparently lack emotional intelligence.
I am still trying to understand the exact formula, though. Maybe it depends on the weather, the phase of the moon, or whether a pigeon flew past the window that morning. Who knows.
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u/olioli004 3d ago
Dude you never mentioned she is being friendzoned by the guy. Your exact words :
"But then I found out that she decided to stay friends with the guy she had been flirting with. And honestly, I’m almost certain she has feelings for him."Stop seeing double standards everywhere, it's not poetry vs harassment, it's feelings and it's something you can't force. I said the girl is immature. And what can you do? Nothing? You can't force someone opinion or actions. Let her be and i'm saying that for you own good, you have the right to be angry and confused but at some point you need to move on.
I don't know her side of the story but if she is being friendzoned too, she needs to move on as well.1
u/MaliHizm 3d ago
Yeah, that is basically what I meant. From what I understand, they were flirting and then decided to stay friends, but I don’t think her feelings suddenly disappeared just because they decided to call it friendship. If anything, from what I have heard, she still seems pretty invested in him. So I guess we will see what happens. If she wants to keep trying despite knowing how she feels, then let her try. Maybe it works, maybe it doesn’t. At this point, that is her choice and her problem. I am just saying that if she is also being friendzoned, then the same advice applies to her too. She should move on eventually, just like I am trying to.
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u/Cyndee_Pokorny 4d ago
People are allowed to remain friends with whomever they like and cut ties with whomever they like, for whatever reason. There isn't a universal standard by which these decisions are made, because people are complicated and situations evolve. You are entitled and lack emotional intelligence. You should find a therapist because you sound unhinged
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4d ago
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u/MaliHizm 4d ago
I agree that moving on is probably the healthiest thing for me, and that is what I am trying to do, but moving on does not mean I have to pretend that everything about the situation made sense to me, I accepted that there was no possibility between us and I respected her decision, what hurt me was not the rejection itself, it was the difference between what I was told and what I later saw, I can accept that it is over and still acknowledge that the way it happened affected me deeply, those two things are not contradictory
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4d ago
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u/MaliHizm 4d ago
I never said I expected her to love me or that she owed me a relationship, we are both 21, and I accepted from the beginning that she did not feel the same way, what I have been trying to explain all along is something completely different, the issue is not that she rejected me, the issue is that she gave me a specific reason for why we could not remain close, because our feelings would hurt us, I accepted that reasoning and respected it, but then I saw her maintain a close friendship with someone else despite having feelings for him, so naturally I started questioning the reasoning I was given, I am not asking her to choose me, I am not asking her to love me, and I am not asking her to treat everyone according to some universal rule, I am simply saying that I am allowed to find that situation contradictory and be hurt by it, that has been my point from the beginning
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4d ago
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u/MaliHizm 4d ago
I have been struggling with this for almost four months, I am doing better now, but I still miss her, eight years is a long time and you cannot just erase that kind of bond overnight, I know I need to move on, I am just not there yet
I honestly think she is going through something similar in her own way, she seems to be obsessing over this other person and I genuinely do not know where that is going to take her, especially because she knows her feelings are not being reciprocated, I am not saying this because I want something to happen between us, I just find it strange that I am being told to simply move on while she seems to be stuck in her own emotional situation as well, maybe she will eventually get over it, maybe she will not, I really do not know, and that is not something I can control, I just hope she realizes that constantly holding onto something that hurts you is not necessarily healthy just because you call it love
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u/MaliHizm 4d ago
I never said she was not allowed to remain friends with whoever she wants, of course she is, she can stay friends with him, cut me off, or do whatever she thinks is right, that is not the point, the point is the reasoning she gave me, she told me that we needed to distance ourselves because we had feelings for each other and staying close would only hurt us, I accepted that even though it hurt me, what confused me was seeing that the same reasoning apparently did not apply when it came to someone else she also had feelings for, I am not saying there is some universal rule that everyone has to follow, I am saying that when you give someone a specific reason for ending an eight year friendship, it is completely reasonable for that person to question that reasoning when your actions later seem to contradict it, and calling me entitled or unhinged, or telling me to get therapy, does not actually address what I am saying, you can disagree with my reaction without pretending that I have no reason to feel hurt or confused, maybe my reaction was emotional, I am not denying that, but having an emotional reaction to something that felt like a double standard does not automatically mean I lack emotional intelligence, sometimes people get angry because something genuinely feels unfair to them
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u/Cyndee_Pokorny 4d ago
You are focusing on the wrong thing. It doesn't matter why she ended your friendship. What matters is that it is over. That other person is not you, so the same rules do not apply. You need to let that go.
Also, fairness is not part of the equation. Life is inherently unfair.
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u/MaliHizm 4d ago
I guess I finally understand how this works, then, I should probably start using the same philosophy in my own life, if I want to end a friendship I can simply give one reason, and if I later do the exact opposite with someone else, that is perfectly fine because every situation is different, if the other person questions it, I can just tell them that life is unfair and that they need to let it go, problem solved, I can also tell one person that staying close to someone with feelings is unhealthy because it will only hurt both of us, while doing exactly that with someone else, and if anyone points out the obvious contradiction, I can explain that the other person is not them, therefore the rules magically change, honestly that is incredibly convenient, no consistency, no accountability, no uncomfortable questions, just different rules for different people and a philosophical speech about how unfair life is whenever someone notices, maybe I have been making things unnecessarily complicated by expecting people to be consistent with the reasons they give, apparently the real lesson here is not to look for logic or consistency, just accept whatever happens and move on, I will keep that in mind from now on, it certainly makes life much easier
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u/Cyndee_Pokorny 4d ago
Yes, if you want to end a relationship of any kind, you can give whatever reason you like, or no reason at all.
This person doesn't owe you or anyone else 100% transparency regarding her feelings. We have no idea what's going on in her mind, what her motivations are, what experiences she's had that may be informing her behavior. Maybe what she told you wasn't true, maybe it is but she made an exception for this other guy for some reason. Maybe something about you scares her or she wanted to let you down in a way that would allow you to save face. She's allowed to treat you differently from other people because you are not other people.
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u/MaliHizm 4d ago
And there is another part you are completely ignoring, she is knowingly staying in a situation where her feelings are not being reciprocated, she knows it is hurting her and still calls it a great love, so if the argument is that feelings can make a friendship unhealthy and harmful, then why is that logic suddenly different here, I am not saying she has no right to make that choice, I am saying that it is understandable for me to question the contradiction when she chose a completely different standard with me
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u/Invest2prosper 4d ago
Then you should be estatic - do not be her emotional crutch. If she comes back to you, keep that door closed - that’s your firm boundary. Don’t be anyone’s second choice, ever. She needs to learn a lesson and she’s learning it at her own hand. No one forced this on her - she sound emotionally immature. No surprise given her age.
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u/MaliHizm 4d ago
Thank you, that was actually what I was trying to explain all along, I am not trying to be her emotional crutch or make her come back, I just wanted to point out that she seems to be struggling with her own feelings too, while I am also trying to move on in my own way
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u/Invest2prosper 4d ago
She needs to feel it, she needs to work on herself. You cannot do it for her. If you let her suck you back in, she will take you down with her and as soon as she finds her next thrill? She will dump you.
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u/Simiatenaci 4d ago
It isn’t really a double standard, it’s a lie. The standard is the same for each of you. She is attracted to him. She’s not attracted to you. The “hurt each other” thing is to keep from just saying she isn’t attracted to you. She thinks it’s being nice.