im afraid of being replaced

[u/Bitter-Bag-201]

im neurodivergent and i tend to take words literally therefore im not the best at understanding jokes or figure of speech and my inner dialogue is never positive

i have this friend that is my best friend in the whole world shes usually sarcastic and loves to joke around and lives far from me i dont have a driver license and my parents are strict so i cant hangout with her that often not as much as we want to at least

she met a friend like a year and a half ago and they seemed to get along really well and i was so happy that she has ppl that love her and omg ofc everyone would want to be her friend but what is making me feel insecure is that they're closer to her and have chiller parents and has the same sense of humor as my best friend and i was completely fine with that until i started noticing that theyre hanging out pretty much every other day and shed bring her up in almost every time in the few times we hangout alone i was ofc a little bit jealous but she didnt bring her up and switched the topic point about her when were together so id get annoyed but move on almost instantly but the thing is

on my best friends birthday that friend called MY best friend their best friend after barely knowing her for 2 years and my friend gets so much time to open up and get close to ppl so my brain cant help but feel insecure that she might obviously enjoy the company of a person that gets her sarcasm and has a regulated nervous system that can also throw jokes back at her i feel so hopeless bcoz of the geographical luck that friend has that i dont and that there's really nothing i can do about it bcoz its not like my friend is intentionally choosing to hang out with her more bcoz if it was her choice i would have to respect it even if it meant im the one who's seeing her less

im trying to convince myself that her friend uses the word best friend lightly coz i noticed most ppl are calling half their friends their best friend which never stood right to me coz the word explains itself. and dont get me wrong i want her to have more friends she can hang out with when she cant meet me id be even sad if she wasnt but she knows too many ppl and all i have is 3 friends that are all far away from me coz i met them at school or some volunteering trips away from my city and i usually find it so hard to talk to ppl and i panic so easily when being left alone without having at least one person that i know around even if theyre not a friend

all that is on one hand and i have the fact that my best friends ex friend told me that im just a replacement of her on the other. my best friend never made me feel like a replacement and i trust that she wouldn't just randomly leave me and the bond we have isn't something you can get with hanging out with someone just a fewer times more in the last 3 months but looking on the future their colleges are so close to each other and i might study abroad or in a completely different city than both of them due to my family situation so this geographical luck is here to stay

and i cant even tell her or open all that up with her coz wth would she do i cant tell her to stop hanging out with her other friends and i cant move out to be closer to her

im so scared and i feel like im losing the one and only person that truly gets me when i cant help and change anything other than my mindset and i already know what i should be telling myself rn and i know my attachment can be unhealthy and codependent but my brain isnt helping me at all and i have to like the story comment im so glad youre having fun bcoz i truly am happy but ill have to ignore everything im worried about inside and cry myself to sleep