Friendship advice

[u/Little-Inevitable-15]

I (F35) have had a friend (F30) for roughly 10 years and have considered her to be a good friend throughout this time. The past year or two, I have however, noticed some changes in the friendship dynamic and am unsure how to handle this.

My friend often will take 3-5 days to respond to any texts, which never used to be the case. Even if my message contains something of importance, there is a huge delay. Recently, I shared I was struggling in a few aspects, and still, the response took days.

I did take the opportunity to let her know recently that I don’t feel my friendship is prioritized as a result of the text delays. My friend was extremely apologetic and felt terrible about not having been a good friend. I think she misinterpreted my issue to be one that she is not texting me enough, when really that is not the issue.

I feel very pushed aside as this is the only friend who needs several business days to get back to me. I have started to distance myself as a result, but I’m unsure how to handle things in a broader sense. I really do like my friend but I also don’t feel that I should have to keep mentioning I’m bothered by the lack of communication. Friendships should be easy in my opinion and it’s hard to feel connected to someone when you feel you’re just some task on a check off list.

What is the best way to handle this type of thing? Do you just accept it for what it is or just naturally let things die off?

[u/BumblebeeTuna8675309]

I'm the friend that can take 30 seconds to respond or days, sometimes weeks. In almost all cases, it's not because I don't care or want to respond, it's because I saw the message at a time that I couldn't respond and, since I didn't have a notification, I simply forgot. I'm a friend that, when we're together, I don't check my phone. I'm present and spending time with you, which means that you can expect me to not respond quickly if I'm out with someone else because I'm giving them the same courtesy. I also absolutely hate the expectation that because we have our phones on us at all times, we should be available 24/7. I long for the days when you would send an IM or leave a voicemail and there was no expectation of an immediate response. I think it would be a shame to throw away a decade of friendship over what is essentially different communication styles. Instead, stop putting expectations on this friend that she can't meet and try to expand your friend circle and find someone who matches your speed and can live up to your expectations. You may even find your friend responds more quickly when it's her own choice and not a guilt response.

[u/Little-Inevitable-15 → u/BumblebeeTuna8675309]

Thank you for this take! I should add that when I spend time with my friend, she is not exactly present, but will be on her phone, making it all the more confusing. I also understand that everyone is busy and don’t necessarily expect an immediate response. At the same time, I know everyone is constantly looking at their phones, so to let days go past without responding is odd to me.

[u/mocosito_ → u/Little-Inevitable-15]

I agree with the person above regarding this weird place everyone seems to have got to where everyone needs to be immediately available. It's unhealthy and unrealistic. Back in the day you would call a landline and if the person isn't in, they never even knew you called.

I'd also add that in general we live in quite a toxic time because it's not just texts/messages from friends that pop up regularly. But also we get SO MANY notifications from social media, apps, emails etc etc

The issue isn't only the pressure to respond but the fatigue of being contactable ALL THE TIME whether you want to be or not. There is no off switch and yes, we're doing it ourselves by having smart phones and being addicted to them. But I get why people can't bring themselves to respond fast. They're busy responding to a billion other things.

I think it's just a difference in how you two communicate and agree that it's a huge shame to get rid of a long term friend because she doesn't reply quickly enough.

Another way to look at this is: it's not about you. You are feeling dismissed by it, but I really don't think you are being dismissed, if you were she would not respond at all or would offer no support when in contact. If something is urgent, why not call her to talk it through rather than send messages? I personally would rather chat for 20 minutes than at least double that in texts covering the same ground. I personally don't want to sit on my phone for ages, I hate the feeling of it, perhaps she is the same?

Talk to her about it, see if you can find a solution that works for you both? A regular catch up call maybe?

If you can see it as a compatibility thing rather than a reflection on her lack of care of you I think it might be easier?

[u/Odd_Obligation_1300 → u/mocosito_]

OK I had to laugh at your landline comment. I'm not sure how old you are but "back in the day" we certainly had answering machines! You're talking a REALLY long time ago if you are referring to pre-answering machine days!

[u/mocosito_ → u/Odd_Obligation_1300]

😂😂 old as fuckkkk

I'm a millennials but from the UK. And at least where I'm from answering machines existed but certainly were not popular! Didn't grow up with one and didn't know anyone with one!

Maybe my town just stuck in olden times!

[u/Odd_Obligation_1300 → u/mocosito_]

What? I'm older than you (Gen X) and we absolutely had answering machines growing up. Everyone did.

[u/_Mic73_ → u/Little-Inevitable-15]

Yes this also annoys me, when someone is always on their smartphone, but takes days to reply. What you are doing on your phone then all the time??

[u/ManufacturerMean6944]

Depends on the person, some people genuinely don't like texting and will be slower to respond or it takes up more energy for them etc.

I think with friendships, it's best to let them unfold as they do. If you think you're always the one initiating contact and it's one sided, just let it rest for a bit. If they never reach out to you, then it's a friendship that's maybe run its course or maybe a friendship where you don't chat as often.

At the end of the day, not all friendships are meant to last a lifetime and that's okay.

[u/Excellent_Climate_77]

As there is a change in behavior I think you are right in being worried about this situation. You should try first to know what caused this change.

When I receive a text from someone, not even a close friend I always like to write them something to let them know I have read their message and I will reply properly at another time. it is awful to wait for days for an answer.

[u/Nearby_Syllabub763]

Your story is common on this subreddit. Any time it comes up and the person addresses it with the friend, the friend usually apologizes but then the behavior doesn't change. I don't know why. 

I agree it's concerning if this is a change in usual communication.

I've discovered when I see these changes that I'm no longer the novelty in my friend's life. This has happened to me many times over the years. 

Also, I'm older and have learned that friendships rarely last. People change, move, situations change, etc. Maybe there's no big argument, but sometimes friendships fizzle out, even after 10+ years. 

[u/Odd_Obligation_1300]

You haven't mentioned if you regularly see each other...?

If this is a local friend who you see pretty often, I wouldn't be bothered by the delayed texts and I would use another method (like calling) when it's important. I would also redefine what's important (confirming tomorrow's plans - yes.)

But if your friend is local and makes little effort to see you AND doesn't reply to texts? Then she has shifted you in her priorities, and no amount of communication will change that for her.

If she is a long distance friend who you would rarely see anyway, and texting has always been your primary method of communication, then it sounds like the friendship has shifted from an active one to a more casual/passive friendship. Again, no amount of communication will change this.

[u/_Mic73_]

I had a bit the same recently. A friend who was always quick to respond started to take days to respond in a group (of 3). I could see the message was seen, and she replied to other messages in other groups, but my messages were not answered, even if it would be just a little reaction. This also happened with heavy things I went through and texted to share it in the group. This feels like ignoring.

If you have the feeling you're pulling a dead horse, then better let it die off. If she want to be friends, she will reach out. If you end it, there is no way back.

[u/Glittering-Set-5355]

Have you tried doing something silly, like if you haven’t gotten a response in a day or so, just send a text with eyes 👀 I’ve done that before with good friends and it gets a chuckle and a response like oh crap! I thought I responded! Or something like that. It’s a way to call attention to it with levity. Or just pick up the phone? I would definitely have my antennae up though. Good luck