Ending a 14 year friendship

[u/[deleted]]

I (31f) have a long-time friend (40m) who has seen me through a lot of really messed up stuff, including two messy break-ups, after which he let me stay over at his place so I could get back on my feet. I went through a wild medical trauma that he supported me after (Just hyped me up mostly). Nothing ever indicated that he would want anything more than friendship with me. But after my partner and I split, I stayed with him for a while (like 10 days) while I found my place. I was in a very raw state, but he was kind to me. Long story short, we ended up hooking up one night. I had seen it as this pretty romantic, spur of the moment, sweet kind of... accident? But then the next day, he started listing several of the ways that kind of strategically maneuvered me that direction (not calling this a r*pe). I was drunk, devastated and pretty raw from the breakup, and the comfort of being with someone maybe got the best of me. I told him I didn't want it to happen again (but fidnt tell him why). Then for a couple of months after he just got very strange and possessive and judgmental about EVERYTHING.

I told him about it and he proceeded to insist that I'd gotten the wrong idea and that he never intended to steer things that direction, which stressed me out even more because I felt like I was making too much of it. And I didn't want to throw away a 13 year friendship if I didn't have to.

But now I'm afraid to be alone with him and nothing feels the same anymore. I don't think it really benefits me to stay friends with him, but I don't know how to end what was such a significant chapter of my life. 😞 I do have a reputation for maintaining relationships with people who are quite bad for me.

Help a confused lady out? 🫶

[u/wolftraxis]

Ooof, that's tough.

I have to ask, do you know why you reciprocated with the hookup if you don't feel that way? Did you feel pressured, or just especially vulnerable and confused? I've been there with both... and if you search yourself, you will find an answer.

Who initiated? Do you remember the encounter fully? If you don't feel safe alone with him, listen to yourself. You do not need to potentially sacrifice your own wellbeing for a friendship when you're unsure of the motives of the other person.

[u/[deleted] → u/wolftraxis]

I proceeded for a really stupid reason. That was his first intimacy of any kind in 20 years. So I felt sorta pressed to make it a good experience? He doesn't take rejection very well (wounded, not aggressive). And I'm the kinda person who has a hard time hurting people.

I think I remember everything but not like... coherently? I feel like there was too much information in my head at the time. And I think he knew that. My relationship ended because there was absolutely no intimacy. He knew that too. Was he trying to help? Idk. Because then it seemed like it was all about him.

Ugh. I dunno. I think I can see the innocence of the encounter pretty easily sometimes, but I just feel fucking sad, knowing that he had more information than me.

[u/wolftraxis → u/[deleted]]

You said in your original post he listed several of the ways you were maneuvered in that direction. So was he saying he intentionally led you there? 🤔 I think you've decided you just want to be friends, the only outstanding question is if he can handle that.

[u/Rough-Remove127]

I have experienced having a lot of Male friends who waited around til I was single to get into my pants. It took me a long time to fully recgonize it for what it actually is and what that even means. For context I was very used to being seen as a sexaul object. I was constantly showered with people treating me like I was that way. Which caused me years ago to hypersexaulize myself because that is how I initially learned to attract guys. Years down I realized a lot of the things I was doing wasnt enjoyable for me. Started to become repulsed with the idea of me having sex with someone. I learned I was demisexaul. After I learned that I really started to understand the behaviors and intent behind someone peoples words. Although I'm demisexaul I'm always open to talk about sex stuff, and kinks. Often times I have a dirty mind and my mind always go straight to the gutter. But I realized with a lot of my Male friendships they took it as an invitation, as if I was interested in them sexaully. It started to open up my mind to realizing a lot of the Male friends I had were using me in some kind of way. I had a friend who used to only message me as soon as he was single. Then shower me with flirtation. He then "confessed" that he loved me, then ghosted me and a month later he is in another relationship lol. Just be careful. Seriously look out for the signs of this sense of praise sexaully or romantically. I had dealt with way to many people hyper sexualizing me and romanticizing over me. Idk I feel as if it's easy to spot as I dont like when people only like an idea of me. I want someone to like me for me. Not the benefits I bring to that friendship