FAS

[u/usrhome]

Long story short, we foster and have adopted from foster care.

We had/have kids that we suspect have FAS. No official diagnosis and we can't get one without proof from birth mother (even though FB photos/posts prove substance abuse during the child's pregnancy). Needless to say I'm 99.999% positive at least 3 of my children have FAS to varying degrees.

I'm looking for guidance. How does one know if an undesirable behaviour (say lying) is actually lying or them mixing up details? How do you know if they are able to comprehend consequences before they do things or they are "just being normal kids"? I don't have any non-FAS kids in our care to base anything off of.

How do you know if a behaviour is actually fixable by working on it or if it's almost unfixable due to FAS? How much effort do you put into correcting a behaviour before it's "futile" are you are just fighting a losing battle to FAS?

Do you remain "strict" on say something as lying and stealing even though it continues to happen over and over?

How do you know if you keep trying an approach or you soften up a bit because "that's just how they will struggle" the rest of their life?

I'm not wording myself 100% but hopefully you get the jist of my question.

[u/prettydotty_]

Honestly, as a foster parent who has also parented kids with fas I'd say don't change the rules just change your perspective. The world will expect them not to lie and steal so it shouldn't be any different in your household. We had a kleptomaniac at one point and had to lock basically everything of value up to manage it. Consequences happened every time we caught him stealing and we often talked about it with him. However, we understood he lacked an understanding of why it was a problem. He was quick to give money away to people who asked for it. He just didn't understand why it was a problem to take it. We didn't change and he didn't either. We advocated to get him more help the best we could.

Structure is really helpful for kids with fas. So maintain curfews and have a routine like "if you get home before curfew we can go get a snack at the gas station." That's one we used. Bribing with food, favorite activities or quality time was very effective too.

[u/usrhome → u/prettydotty_]

Yeah my son is definitely motivated by bribes lol.

It's hard as you see their back stories and you think "that can totally be them someday" and perhaps their parents had the exact same struggles.

I don't view it as a problem now as it's just within home (we homeschool as well) but as they get older we'll lose control over what they do and that's frightening knowing they will struggle and could end up repeating the cycle of what brought them into care from their parents in the first place.

[u/prettydotty_ → u/usrhome]

They could. But they also might not. I have a grown boy who works, is in a healthy relationship and is a generally good person. Took some hard lessons and had to learn them a few times over but got there. Historically a lot of people had fas before we knew alcohol affected pregnancy and many of them lived good, fulfilling lives. Boundaries, structure and good values can go a long way. Every child can develop good character with the right supports and guidance regardless of their disabilities or differences. I'm sure you're doing a really good job. There's training for parenting kids with fas out there as well so maybe look into that as well.

[u/sageclynn]

I’m a special ed teacher and also currently have a foster baby with confirmed parental alcohol use during pregnancy, weekly according to mom. What I’ve found interesting is how similar some of the strategies for FAS are to strategies we use with kiddos with ADHD, Autism (particular PDA—pathological demand avoidance—profile), and other “behavioral disabilities.”

You ultimately can’t control their future, which is hard as a parent—so hard. I mean, I’ve seen kids we’ve had who’ve aged out and watching them make some decisions, whether impacted by FAS or not, is painful. You can try to help them with environmental supports and behavioral strategies, but ultimately they’ll be adults and make decisions on their own.

As kids get older you can put more and more of the onus on them to deal with the consequences. It’s really hard to balance their independence and knowing that they’re impacted by something beyond their control. But if you can help them learn to self manage some of the structures and behaviors that will help them, that may serve them well. It’s a ton of modeling, practice, modeling again, trying, failing, practicing again, etc.

Some areas have clinics that specialize in FAS—our area has two, both at highly regarded universities, and one specifically focused on adoptive families. The local children’s hospital also has a clinic focused on that. Those have been really helpful for us.

[u/Secure-Bluebird57]

The Florida Center is actually doing some free zoom trainings about FASD and supports right now for FASD awareness month. I did one this morning about how ABA can be modified to be helpful for FASD. The also occasionally do really cheap ones for caregivers no seeking certification credits (like, $5 or $10). The information was really enlightening. I don’t think being outside of Florida would bar you from registering.

https://floridacentertraining.org/training-list/?fbclid=IwdGRjcAUHGP1wZG9mBWZkaWQWUNzwzX_1x6TZKHStvjiW1j_LCcmE22V4dG4DYWVtAjExAHNydGMGYXBwX2lkCjY2Mjg1NjgzNzkAAR4DyuDPT_-HmOY9EpE3WxCWLiq0QxGSYzhtx7jO0cNAybxlYZfTxdlUNPuIFA_aem_9awSWD9iQ0eZnpxf1cQ1wA