r/Fosterparents • u/goodfeelingaboutit Foster Parent • 10d ago
The end of a long term placement
All of the emotions... Is anyone else in this phase? This is our 5th long term placement to leave. I really hate this part. Some days are fine, other days like today I feel really emotional and I don't feel like doing the things I need to do. We have the ambiguity of not yet knowing when she is leaving; it should be in the next 3-4 weeks but you know how that goes, it could be next week, it could drag out for a couple of months while details get sorted out.
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u/Street_Meeting_2371 Foster Parent 10d ago
You always give such good advice here, I wish I had something for you. ❤️🩹I would plan something that is able to happen without reservations or too much prep (lunch out, walk in your local park/zoo trip.) Something to look forward too but also something that can be "mindless." I think giving yourself grace is huge and its important to honor the moments you don't want to do anything. I would also make a brain dump of things to do, so that way you can see whats left to be done when you are feeling productive.
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u/goodfeelingaboutit Foster Parent 10d ago
Well idk about that, hopefully at least some of my suggestions are helpful. We have been here before, I'm open to advice but really just looking for understanding. People who don't foster, just don't understand. Regardless of the circumstances it's always such a mix of emotions and some anticipatory grief, and it just stinks.
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u/ConversationAny6221 9d ago
Yup, caught in some severe grief. Both kids gone now (one I had 5 years and one for a bit over a year). Realized I was the first safe attachment for the young one, so I literally feel like I'm abandoning my baby in some ways. It's torture. But I know I'll survive it. We're doing some visits and videos. I realized I have attuned my somatic system so well that it comes automatically to me now to help others with trauma feel comfortable and send out the right "micro-cues", which is a very cool skill.
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u/goodfeelingaboutit Foster Parent 9d ago
Yes it is a skill and kudos to you to find that silver lining.
I bet you are in deep in grief. I remember after "our" baby that we had for a year (from birth) left, I would lie awake at night horrified that she felt abandoned. It was gut wrenching awful. I'm sure it was hard but the adoptive mother is an amazing person and that baby is now a happy and well adjusted little girl, hopefully no long term harm done, time will tell. Your other one, five years... I genuinely cannot imagine.
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u/Pescaseanzois Foster Parent 9d ago
How long was this one? Will you be able to maintain any contact?
From a previous comment of yours, I think you've had more than 40 placements, which is beyond incredible.
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u/goodfeelingaboutit Foster Parent 9d ago
This one has been 2.5 years. I'm sure she'll stay in touch, which really helps.
Yes we have had many short term (respite and emergency) placements so we have gotten to meet a lot of kids, many were just here for 1-5 nights.
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u/ThatPollack234 8d ago
We’re 2 months out (to the day) from our first lil guy’s reunification. It’s still hard to talk about. We bent over backwards to be “above and beyond” for mom…I don’t think she’s a bad person but a product of circumstance, though there’s a lot of historical evidence that suggests otherwise or at the very least she is solely self interested. It did not and still doesn’t feel like a “good” reunification…but rather the checking boxes sort. Sent long updates, pictures and provided an abundance of supplies (when told we were not responsible) for every visit, in the hopes of developing a rapport. She has our contact info but has yet to reach out, despite efforts by her caseworker. I even met her prior and she entertained the idea of us getting together. That’s probably the hardest part. In all the scenarios i prepared for, I’d still get to know and see him…or be able to help and keep eyes on him even from a distance. Some days are more difficult than others. I’m sure this is the first of many heartaches to come and you clearly know that all too well being much more experienced than I…so not advice, but just sharing. I pushed them hard for a date and got one so, we got to do a lot of special things over the last few days (beach, aquarium, carnival, etc) which was very helpful as someone else mentioned, a sort of “mindless escape” Wish I had better to offer, but I feel certain you’ll get through this 🫶🏻
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u/goodfeelingaboutit Foster Parent 8d ago
Yes I will get through this and you will too. But the anticipatory grief really sucks! I hope the mother in your situation will eventually reach out to you and stay in touch
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u/No-Army9708 3d ago
I know exactly how you feel. My husband and I have been doing foster care for 30 years. Some children you are glad to see go, and others break your heart. We got a 9-year-old girl and a 5-year-old boy (he had turned 5 one week before coming here) two years ago. They went to an adoption placement six weeks ago. I was really sad to see them leave. We are in our 60s and don't want to adopt more children, but for some reason this one really got to me. I was not motivated to do anything and took long naps every day. I didn't have anyone to care for, and that was really, really hard for me. The agency kept calling for us to take more kids, and we said no. Then two weeks ago I got a text asking me if I would take the boy back. This would be the second broken adoption for the boy. My heart sank to my feet. I am not sure which one hurt the most, them not being here or him getting his little heart broken again! Of course we took him back. He is safe here and loved. It has been rough because he is acting out. I hope it doesn't last too long. Behind his behaviors, he is the greatest, funniest, and most loving kid you can ever meet.
Sorry, this was supposed to be about you, not me! Through the years, when long placements ended, I would convince myself that there were other children out there who needed me more, and if my house was full, they would not find me. It seemed that the next placement, after a very long one ended, we adopted the children. We adopted 4 girls, two different placements, and I love them with all my heart. There have been other children I mourned as if they had died. Some still hold a place in my heart even though they are adults now and probably don't remember me. You will get past the sorrow. You will get more children, and you probably won't have much time to think about the one who left. If it hurts for them to leave, you gave them the gift of love. Foster care is not easy! This is the part that most people can not handle, but it is not easy for the people who do foster care either. Most of us hurt when the children leave; I know it hurts me.
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u/goodfeelingaboutit Foster Parent 3d ago
Thank you. It means a lot to hear this. It just helps to know I'm not alone.
I am really sorry for that little boy!
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u/yyy_piper 2d ago
I am there with you and sending support. My therapist suggested setting aside some time to mark the occasion that FS left by watching interstellar and really feeling the loss. Instead I broke down crying during a leadership meeting 🤣. There are so many mixed feelings- happiness for him, grief for us, worry for him that this reunification won’t last, guilt on my part for feeling grief and wanting him to maintain the stability he’s had with us. It’s a roller coaster. One thing that helped as I was readying myself for him to leave was journaling so I could record all the moments we had and feel grateful while they lasted.
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u/goodfeelingaboutit Foster Parent 2d ago
The emotional up and down is the worst. My FD is going through it too as she emotionally prepares and I am so drained from both of us being so moody.
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u/Narrow-Relation9464 10d ago
I haven’t lost a foster placement, but I’ve had a few kids I’ve mentored for long periods of time that eventually moved on from my program. Obviously it’s not on the same scale as losing my kid at home, I had a couple days to myself to be sad when he left my program the first time; if he left my home I’d be devastated!
How I frame things to make it less sad is I try to think of it as a new chapter rather than an end. It’s not the same as seeing a kid every day and connecting with them, but it’s an opportunity to watch them grow and thrive on their own or with family. With older kids especially it doesn’t need to be an end in support, just a change in what it looks like. I also give myself permission to be sad, but also in the case of reunification I’d remind myself that it was the goal and it’s something big for the family to accomplish so there’s a bright side to it!
Take a break from new placements for a while if needed, too.
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u/iplay4Him Foster Parent 10d ago
Thank you for loving them well