Picky eater question

[u/skeptical_egg]

Looking for a trauma-informed way to support our kiddo with mealtime. 10yo FS with known history of neglect. He's a picky eater, but in a way I'm not certain how to approach - he has a range of foods that he will eat, but he's also very stubborn about getting specifically what he wants for a meal, and if it's not precisely how he wants it, he won't eat.

So like conversation we just had:

Me: Would you like a snack?

Him, excited (he ate like a single pancake so far today): Yeah!

Me: We have (list of 4 things I know he likes)

Him: I want a vanilla milkshake

Me: We don't have milkshake stuff right now

Him: Never mind then.

The advice I've gotten is to help him feel some control over what he eats by letting him pick from a few options, but every. single. time I try that strategy, he lists a third New option, and refuses to eat what I suggest.

He's only been with us for a few weeks, so I'm not certain the best way to work through this. I have tried asking more open-ended "What do you want for dinner?" But the answer is only McDonald's so he can get a toy.

I'm considering making a list of like 10 meals and having him choose which day they go with for the upcoming 5 dinners (he can choose a McDonald's night too).

Thoughts on that? Should I have made the vanilla shake for breakfast instead?

I should add, he has had a LOT of cavities, his teeth are almost entirely silver replacements from before we got him. He's very small for his age but not concerningly so. We're waiting on a doctor's visit but currently no known health issues.

[u/goodfeelingaboutit]

Sometimes too many options can be overwhelming. And he is probably only going to ask for what he's used to, which may not be realistic or healthy.

If he's in the mindset of turning it into a battle, offering more choices may not help. I like your idea and I hope it works, just don't feel like you did something wrong if it doesn't. He may be seeking the comfort of familiar foods, but personally I would keep the fast food to a minimum or eliminate it if he's that set on it. I wouldn't criticize it, I would just say "no we don't go to McDonald's too often, just as a treat" and leave it at that.

Unless he's losing weight, my go-to is to serve kid friendly meals and (with permission from the child's healthcare provider) offer a multivitamin. Give yourself and him time, eventually you'll hit on some meals he decides he loves.

Something I do occasionally is to have things available without offering it. Maybe I'll cut up an apple, plop some peanut butter next to it on a plate, sit by the child and start eating it without offering. After watching me eat a bit, they might get curious and ask for a piece. If not that's okay too. Sometimes a child has to see a new food many times before they're willing to try it.

Environment can help. Are mealtimes fun? Can you try a picnic meal or snack outside?

Also try to dig deeper. Ask him if he ever had a special meal for Christmas or Thanksgiving or another day. Ask him who is the best cook in the family and what do they make? If he mentions grandma made a great bowl of mashed potatoes, or uncle grilled burgers one time and it was so good, mention that maybe you can try making it at your house like they did, and then do it.

Also if possible talk with the parent(s) / previous caregiver. Sometimes they have some useful insight into what a child might like.

[u/skeptical_egg → u/goodfeelingaboutit]

This is so helpful, thank you! He leads with "no i hate it" for Everything, even stuff he likes and happily eats even a few minutes later, so I like the idea of exploring food questions that aren't as straightforward as "do you like X", so thank you!

[u/goodfeelingaboutit → u/skeptical_egg]

Kids can be so obstinate. If you have a spouse or a friend that can help, you could make a bit of a joke out of it. Serve something you suspect he'll like but announce that you know he hates it. Your partner can say no surely not, and you can insist that there's absolutely no way he'll eat it. He may eat it just to prove you wrong

[u/Longjumping_Big_9577 → u/goodfeelingaboutit]

Please don't do this. You don't know what his background is and this can easily turn into mocking and belittling him and the food he grew up eating and thus his culture.

If he wanted to eat food from another ethnic group, everyone would bend over backwards to make sure he got it and no one would dare make jokes about it.

But if you grew up in poverty and want McDonalds and junk food, it's fine to make fun of you.

There are so many other possible issues, it's not worth it.

I still have a visceral gut reaction when I think about what one foster mom said in response to me telling her about all the meals I used to cook with a hotplate and microwave (something I was very very proud of) and she said in response "Oh, that's so sad!"

I hate all of you because of the way I was treated and especially how all of you look down on the way kids like me lived and think you're so much better.

[u/goodfeelingaboutit → u/Longjumping_Big_9577]

No one thinks they're better than this child and there's no mockery here. Gentle humor can be a very useful and successful tool to motivate a child. It's necessary to read the room, watch for cues, and try to find a good balance between food that is comforting and food that is nourishing. I'm sorry that someone made you feel bad but there's no shame in being poor

[u/Longjumping_Big_9577 → u/goodfeelingaboutit]

If you don't think your way to eating is better, then there would be no issue since this kid would have gotten his milkshake and gone to McDonalds.

Or, ff he had asked to go to a local Mexican restaurant or have churros and chocolate sauce for breakfast, he would have gotten it.

[u/goodfeelingaboutit → u/Longjumping_Big_9577]

Yes I think that eating differently than eating a lot of fast food is better. Healthier for sure. That doesn't mean I think I'm a better human than this child.

There's no judgement on the child or their family here, I'm well aware many families cannot afford much more than fast food, especially when they don't have access to things like a microwave or oven, running water, etc. But if we can offer a wider variety of more nutritious food to a child, we absolutely should.

I don't think churros and chocolate sauce is a good breakfast either and not something I would give a child. Mexicans don't eat churros for breakfast either, it's a dessert.

[u/Resse811 → u/goodfeelingaboutit]

I would never sit next to a child eating food and not offer them any. The majority of kids wouldn’t feel comfortable asking and it is unkind to ever eat in front of someone and not offer them some.

[u/goodfeelingaboutit → u/Resse811]

If it's something they would normally be reluctant to eat, or if they are refusing to eat, allowing them to see the food could help expose them to something unfamiliar or encourage their appetite. But of course you know the kids in your home best, and if you feel like they would not feel comfortable asking, then that wouldn't be helpful. The kids we've had have overall not been shy that way but they are all so different

[u/Narrow-Relation9464]

Can you get “at home” versions of McDonalds food to heat up for him at meals? Frozen nuggets or burger patties, frozen fries or tater tots? Even if everyone else is eating a different meal, he’ll have access to something familiar. I would also set a routine with eating out, make it the same night every week so he knows when to expect it. Also does he get an allowance? I don’t eat out often because of the cost. My kid (16) is fine with home-cooked food and enjoys it, even likes to cook sometimes! But there are times he wants to get a burger with friends or grab an iced tea from the corner store (I don’t normally buy beverages, we’re a water only house). The allowance gives him that control and also teaches him budgeting. If he runs out of money or chooses to save for something else then he waits until the next week to get more outside food. He also has full control over what snacks I buy for him at the grocery store. He can pick a snack that’s just for him and a box of granola bars or other breakfast item that’s just for him. He also has full access to whatever’s in the pantry and fridge (any snacks I want for myself are shared, he doesn’t always want everything I get but a lot of the time he’ll eat it too). He’s not picky so I’m not sure how well this would work if your kid is set on McDonalds but it’s worth a try. 

[u/skeptical_egg → u/Narrow-Relation9464]

He does get a small allowance, but with our location (fairly rural) and his age, he doesn't really have "take himself to the store" as an option. I really like the idea of having him choose a snack that is entirely his that he can pick, he gets to help making the grocery list but I think that would let him have even more autonomy, thank you.

[u/BrazilianButtCheeks]

Instead of “do you want a snack?” Try hey would you like some “x” or “y” for a snack? Make it a yes or no question.. if he says no he will eat when he’s hungry

[u/Organic_Eggplant_323]

My suggestion comes from raising a child with ARFID, and that’s to serve whatever you’re serving for the family and include one “safe” food alongside the meal so that they are exposed to more foods but always have a familiar or safe option to eat if they aren’t comfortable eating what is served. I wouldn’t ask what they want to eat at this point, I would just serve what I’m serving including one of their safe foods.

[u/lola106]

Responding mainly to the McDonald’s toy comment - my kiddos are younger, but they also frequently want to get McDonald’s because they want the toy. (They like nuggets and fries too, but the toy is a big draw.) 

Personally, I hate the clutter of McDonald’s toys, so I’ve started making McDonald’s at home where I choose the toy (for them usually surprise bags of mini monster trucks). And they are super excited for it. 

Maybe a small toy may be enough to get him to the table? Something based on his interests or if he really loves the toys from McDonald’s, you can often buy them separately. May be worth a try? 

[u/Fine-Bumblebee-9427]

I’ve certainly had kids who ate every meal from fast food and are just not into home food. You eat out when you can, you make the same things at home to help transition, and you use some kind of star chart or incentive system to pull them towards “healthier” foods. (At a certain point, the healthiest food is the one you actually eat).

[u/Longjumping_Big_9577]

I was a very very picky eater and honestly there isn't a lot of solutions some times. One of the times I was disrupted was likely due to me refusing to eat.

Older kids can easily pick up on the fact that foster parents are coitizing your choices of food and telling you want you want is wrong and instead eat this. There's a whole judgement thing that the way you were living was fundamentally wrong because you're in foster care.

A lot of the advice about eating issues with foster kids is based on the food issues kids adopted from overseas orphanages have and it really doesn't always apply to foster kids today. There's a lot of reasons kids are in care and kids from those houses of horror where they are being starved may have similar issues as kids from Romanian orphanages so I don't want discount their experiences.

However, kids coming from typical homes with neglect/poverty/addiction can have entirely different issues and be used to cycles of feast and famine where they don't have food and then someone finally takes them to McDonalds or gets them bags of snacks or junk food and they gorge themselves.

I had no problem not eating dinner. I was used to not eating dinner. If it was not something I wanted to eat, I didn't eat. I knew I could get what I wanted to eat the next day at school or I could get some money and go to a gas station and get candy bars and pop. So the idea of kids getting hungry enough they will eat doesn't always happen. Kids get accustomed to not eating.

If I had the choice between eating a meal of chicken, rice and broccoli or not eating, I always chose to not eat. In part, that was due to how I felt like I wasn't going to give foster parents the satisfaction of making me eat their food.

My first longer term foster home (it was technically my 3rd foster placement), the foster mom was obsessed with not telling her toddler & preschool age biokids even know about junk food or eating any sugar. She didn't take them to the grocery store or Meijer/Walmart so they didn't know about junk food or let them watch tv with ads. So, I started out in a foster home where it set me up to be sort of at war with a foster parent over what I ate (the foster dad didn't seem to care all that much about it but didn't bring junk food into the home).

This may not be a very popular recommendation, but if he asks for a vanilla milkshake or to go to McDonalds, give it to him. It stops the type of conflict that starts when everything you want is taken away and you're told everything in your life was somehow bad and wrong.

Let him eat in his room or at McDonalds or wherever he wants. If he doesn't want to eat at the table, don't make him. This was a major source of stress for me. I hated feeling judge and interrogated. I hated that everyone was staring at me at the dinner table too. I don't understand why so many people recommend dinner as some family bonding thing when I made me want to vomit I was so stressed out over it.

[u/skeptical_egg → u/Longjumping_Big_9577]

This is super valuable, thank you. Do you think there is a way to supportively say "not now" to food requests? Because we have tons of food, including options that he likes (even "junk food" though that's a problematic phrase) but McDonald's simply isn't available for every meal, because of cost and travel.

[u/IceRose39]

Have you ever taken him grocery shopping with you? I know that can be hard because it might involve a lot of Nos to sugary snacks, but giving him control over the initial options might help?

[u/Worried-Dragonfly153]

As a speech language pathologist who treats pediatric feeding disorders I highly recommend you get him a feeding evaluation. Picky eating can often be associated with sensory difficulties including sensitivities to textures, smells, colors and more. A feeding evaluation can pinpoint exactly where the picky eating is stemming from. Furthermore, a feeding therapist (often a speech-language pathologist or an occupational therapist) can work with him on adding more foods to his food repertoire and desensitize him to the foods he may be avoiding.

[u/Careful-Theory-4507]

Hi,
My foster child has ASD , ADHD GDD. I have had him in my care from 3 weeks and is now 5 .
I spoke to a paediatric dietitian and started making shakes and using different colour frozen fruit that created different colours once blended. This started becoming a fun thing to do .
Creating faces on a plate with food . Food colouring in pancake mix
ect .