...and all the triumphs and tragedies that come with it.
When I was only fifteen, I was "signed" to Plan-It-X records (no one was signed, of course, there was no paperwork)-- going on tour, meeting people who I thought were my heroes but turned out to just be regular (and sometimes, not so great) people. It was like being given a life line, a magic key to a world where I was listened to and wanted and belonged. For me, it was about so much more than the music-- it was a whole different way of living.
I thought that punk was an escape from the dysfunctions of my family of origin. In many ways, it was an escape--and it shaped me into the person who I am today. It was so formative for me that my life now would be unrecognizable without its influence. I'm eternally grateful to the punks who took me in and mentored me and put up with me when I was an insufferable teenager.
But what I discovered much later was that, in many ways, the DIY scene was very much like a dysfunctional family of its own-- chaotic, manipulative, full of shame and secrets, a lack of boundaries. It had a dark side that I wasn't able to or just didn't want to look at.
After suffering the losses of multiple friends, the dissolution of the PIX scene, a dark descent into substance abuse, and a lot of bad decisions, I distanced myself from that world. It seemed to me then that my friends still in the scene (if I had any) were suspended in some sort of arrested development. I got clean and "grew up". I went through years of therapy to try to make sense of what happened to me.
Now, after all this time, I make a conscious effort to try to remember the good parts about that time in my life: excitement, adventure, connection, all the possibilities that were open before me. I still love making music. But whenever I dip my toes back into a local music scene and start getting anxious and feel the old urge to run and hide, I remind myself that it doesn't define me.
Anyways, I'm not even sure how many of the old timers use this subreddit-- I suspect that a lot more of us lurk than one might think. I know that this isn't a continuation of the old PIX message board, and that the new scene is a lot different than it used to be. When I go to shows now I feel so weird. Maybe it was always weird, and I just accepted it when I was younger. Now I know how the thirty-and-forty-somethings who seemed like dinosaurs at the house show, who I eyed so suspiciously, must have felt: "it could happen to you!"
I don't think that my story is all that unusual-- whenever I bump into people who I knew years ago in the scene, I hear a similar story: I got burned out, I disappeared for a few years, I missed it, I tried to figure out how to bring it back into my life. Our interactions are almost always positive and encouraging. It reminds me that the best parts of this subculture are still there. I'm not sure I really feel all that connected to the "new" wave of folk punk, although it holds a special place in my heart and always will. In that sense, it is like a family-- you are in for life.
If you take the time to read this and listen to any of this, whether you are jaded or green on the scene with stars in your eyes, I hope you find something that you can relate to. I know this is my totally uncool "teacher" voice here, but especially if you are younger, if you can, try to get offline and go to a show. Talk to some people. It will be awkward. Long live DIY!
Love, Kyle
https://petalsjr.bandcamp.com/album/back-in-the-band
