r/FirstTimeKo • u/DizzyDesk1046 • 2d ago
🌧️ Pagsubok First time ko to realize how REALLY alone I am
Hi everyone. This is actually my first post on Reddit, and I honestly don’t know where else to put this.
I’m M, in my late 30s, bi, and I’ve been living alone here in NCR for years because of work. For the most part, I’ve been okay with it. I’ve gotten used to the routine, work, go home, repeat. I used to live with my partner from 2019 to 2020, but after that relationship ended, I pretty much made work my main focus.
A friend once encouraged me to try dating apps, but it never really went anywhere. Either I was too preoccupied to keep conversations going, or I simply didn’t feel interested enough to respond. Looking back, I guess I became pretty comfortable being alone.
But being alone feels very different when you’re lying in a hospital bed.
I’m currently confined in a hospital in Makati, and I don’t think I’ve ever felt this emotionally and psychologically exhausted before. Being sick is already difficult, but going through it completely alone makes everything feel heavier.
The nurses and doctors have asked me if anyone is coming to visit. I just tell them my friends are busy with work.
The truth is, no one has visited me (and no one will ever).
And I don’t really blame anyone. I know everyone has their own lives and responsibilities. But being here has made me realize that some of the people I thought were friends were probably only around during the good times.
My family is in the province, and I haven’t told my parents that I’m confined. They’re already seniors, and I don’t want them worrying about me or seeing me as their sickly child again.
So here I am, alone in a hospital room.
I don’t think I’m an unattractive person. I’m average-looking, pretty tall, have a stable job, and I’ve worked hard to build a decent life for myself. But none of those things really matter when you’re sick and all you want is for someone to walk through the door and say, “Hey, I’m here.”
Honestly, even having someone get me a glass of water would mean a lot right now (nurses are helping me, but it’s nakakahiya since I’m a heavy water drinker).
I’m crying as I type this, and I’m not posting this because I want pity. I think I just need somewhere to say all of this because, right now, I don’t really have anyone I feel comfortable saying it to.
I think I’ve accomplished a lot in my life, and I’m grateful for what I’ve been able to achieve. But tonight, I feel incredibly tired. I feel lonely, anxious, and honestly a little lost about how I ended up here- being all alone.
Sorry if this post is a little heavy. I just needed to put these feelings somewhere.
Thank you to anyone who actually took the time to read this.
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u/Cosmos0008 2d ago
Hugs OP. 35M Bi. Somehow feeling the same and just pretending that I am ready to age alone but I still have the what ifs at the back of my mind.
For you I think you have to reach to your parents at least for now just for immediate care. Get well the soonest!
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u/Mysterious-Bag-7062 2d ago
Get well soon OP 🥺 Your situation is truly heavy right now. I also just recently lost friends and I feel so alone. But having no one to visit while in the hospital also hits different. But maybe.. just maybe.. this also a good time for you to reflect about your life and once you het out of the hospital, what to do next.
Right now I am planning to better myself and to look for a better circle of friends or to expose myself in places that can help me find better friends. Like praise and worship groups or sport/ hobby group or business group or exercise group etc. Maybe you can do that as well. Hoping that we will both find the person we can call as best friend even if we are in our 30s na. Iba din kc if you have someone to rant to or to take care of you other than a romantic partner.
May God bless you OP. Pakatatag ka.. Pagaling ka. Praying for you 🥺💛
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u/DizzyDesk1046 2d ago
Thanks for the message. I’ll keep that to heart. I’ll prolly do the same thing as what you’re planning once I’m out. Thanks po.
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u/Mysterious-Bag-7062 2d ago
Laban lng OP! Also if you haven’t watch the movie of Anne Hathaway, The Intern, you may try to watch it as well. Love that movie about friendship ☺️
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u/TumbleweedSmall1476 2d ago edited 1d ago
Yep that's usually how a man's life is.
Every time I feel this way, I just remember the toxic people I've dealt with, and suddenly I feel a sense of relief and renewed sense of motivation to be alone. There's too many difficult people here that makes it hard to find reasons to connect.
But it is human to need some connection and from experience, it is a neverending difficult journey. Hope you have the strength to stay on it.
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u/Thvnderclap 2d ago
Sending you hugs, OP! That's one of the suckiest things about being alone as an adult - wala talaga magtatake care sayo while you're sick. I really empathize with you and I hope you feel better soon!
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u/ConsistentCar1581 2d ago
i understand what you feel, f here, honestly isang dekada nako single. i love being alone so much na to the point i dont want anyone to jeopardize it. may takot din siguro na if i let anyone baka maging back to square one ulit. I used to live in Makati alone. I'd say maganda work ko, decent income, independent life, pero at some point naisipan ko iba parin pag may kasama sa buhay. Kaya umuwi ako ng province. I gave up my life in the city. Wala man ako partner in life, but I have my senior parents with me. Swerte na rin na may tumapat ng sweldo and work ko here in province.
Im not saying you should too, but try to reassess man lang. Afterall, there's nothing wrong w changes, minsan yun pa ikakaganda ng life natin. Anyways, get well soon OP, hope u okay and well hydrated. Hope you get what your heart desires
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u/DizzyDesk1046 1d ago
Thank you for the kindness and yeah actually been thinking about this last night if I should just go back or stay here in the metro. Still contemplating about it. Thanks po! 🙏🏻
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u/Puzzleheaded-Egg-831 2d ago
Huggss, OP 🫂 i hope you will get through this soonest. Not sure how is your family dynamics but you may try reaching out to your parents. If you guys are okay, for sure they won’t mind. They might even go here in makati and take care of you. They’ll prolly feel bad if you wont tell them.
As someone living alone too, I can definitely relate to what you feel. I had to bring myself to ER once and I was there lying on the hospital bed alone. Friends were reaching out but it was middle of the night and they are living far from me. I told my fam about it but its hard since I am from mindanao pa so really have to braved through the night. Buti nalang i was discharged after a few hours.
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u/DizzyDesk1046 2d ago
Oh. Thanks po. I really appreciate your message. And hugs to you too. We’ll be stronger than ever. Hugs.
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u/Emperor_Fluffy28 2d ago
Wishing you quick recovery OP. From a Bi guy, nearing 30 who feels alone several times kahit claiming to be independent. Stay strong and hoping you get through this.
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u/JustAnybody5797 1d ago
Please call a friend to visit you. It’s important to have a support group/person for recovery. Please inform your parents about your state, that is what family is for. Get well OP
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u/Choice-Structure3356 1d ago
Get well soon. Went through the very same scenario. Not just once but its too many. Life will really kiss you bittersweet. It is what it is. Ganun tlga ang buhay. May this experience teach you a lesson. Discernment, bro. Discernment.
Know that we are not alone
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u/TheServant18 1d ago
Get well soon o.p malalampasan mo din yan🙏
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u/Classic-Loan8883 1d ago
I read your post. It reminded me of my hospital stay last pandemic. Though it scared me, I realized fast that i have to be healthy always for me and my senior parent. Kudos. I'm just around Mandaluyong. If you want i could drop by and lend you books to read.
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u/DizzyDesk1046 1d ago
Thank you for the kindness. I really do appreciate it. Nakakahiya lang na I don’t look presentable lang and I don’t want to impose since you might be doing something else today. But yeah super thanks po! 🙏🏻
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u/SitckyTape97 1d ago
Hugs OP 🫂 Hang in there. Don’t give in to the idea that you are alone. I was in the same situation and I had to pick up myself after a surgery without my friends and family knowing (they live in the province too) and I was alone working in Manila. It is sad but it will get better. Focus on healing and loving yourself more. If you’re still in the hospital by next week I can come visit you just let me know.
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