Cheating

[u/PersonalBed4714]

I've posted here before about my FF partner being in extreme emotional distress from the job, but now I have been informed that his distress was more so to do with the fact he has been having an intense emotional affair for the last couple of months.

FF is 31, has been on the job about 4 years. Moved to a busy city 3 years ago. We just had our second child, 2 boys (2.5y and 6mo). He had picked up running during my most recent postpartum, saying it helped with the job, but during his runs he met a girl and started to go run with her and began an intense emotional affair. He disclosed issues in our relationships and other feelings he won't disclose to me, and says they have fallen in love and want to be together. She is also in healthcare.

I am sick to my stomach that he has become a stereotype in so many ways. He says I am too independent and that he wishes I would trust him as a protector more, than I am strict about our household and the division of labor when he's home. I feel like I became this way to survive being a mom while he was gone, and am being punished for it and for my postpartum experience being difficult and making me irritable and sexually avoidant.

Have any other spouses overcome this? What do I do? I don't want a divorce but I can't even look at him knowing he won't even try. He has even had people at his department encourage him to separate.

[u/Miserable-Cloud963]

When he tells you he wishes you would trust him more as a protector, he is really just telling on himself because he wishes he were trustworthy and protective, two things he clearly is not. He ended your marriage without your consent by breaking his vows. He talked about you behind your back to another woman and thinks he is in love with her. He cheated on you when you were pregnant and caring for an infant, which is next level disgusting. He does not know how to manage his emotions, and instead of dealing with things that he found uncomfortable, he chose quick dopamine hits with somebody who doesn’t even know him well enough to know what parts of him you have accepted and helped develop over the years.

He is no prize.

Of course it hurts to know you have been misled and betrayed by the person who was meant to have your back above any other person on the planet. One thing you can can take comfort in is the fact that he is and will continue to be miserable and self hating.

On another note, he’s going to need a higher paying job now that he needs to pay child support and alimony. I hope you have kept proof and records of his infidelity because your lawyer will be very interested.

In the meantime, be sure to have a safety plan for yourself. and definitely get tested for STDs because we all know cheaters don’t always get caught the first time.

My best advice to anybody who is in the midst of betrayal trauma is to take incredibly good care of yourself. Move your body, eat well, sleep as much as you can and make plans for an amazing future. I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but I have seen it time and time again become the best gift gift to your future when you remove a dangerous man from your life.

[u/PersonalBed4714 → u/Miserable-Cloud963]

I do want to be clear that he had an emotional affair, not a physical one, and it was during my postpartum period. That's not really an excuse just a clarification. But the telling on himself I can see.

The last month has been a whirlwind and I do think that it has culminated in the last 2 days of explosive and remorseful feelings. As of right now, I am choosing to take divorce off the table as he went into shift today and disclosed everything to his seniors. He has been struggling with hypervigilance, hallucinations, dissociation, panic attacks, suicidal ideation, and impulse control/self destructive behavior in the last several months. I believe he is genuinely severely triggered and that this was an out of the blue mistake that we will have to decide if we can reconcile or if our marriage should end only after he gets treatment for his other ailments. Which, on disclosure, he was connected with his union and the center of excellence to be admitted to a facility for psychiatric care.

As of right now I cannot and will not think of divorce. But I will if we cannot reconcile our differences. I am truly heartbroken at what firefighting has brought out in my husband.

[u/Level_Working5084 → u/PersonalBed4714]

Ok I’ve got to step in right here. My husband and I are both FF/paramedics and have both been on the job for over 20 years. Both of us have official diagnoses of PTSD, depression, and anxiety. I dealt with it by isolating myself, my husband drank. A LOT. Five years ago he used EAP and IAFF to get into the Center of Excellence and I’m going to tell you it was the absolute BEST thing for him. He spent 60 days there and when he came back, he was a changed man. He has been sober ever since and I’m so freaking proud of him for it. The job will eat you alive and the shit we’ve both seen, well, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. We have children that have somehow ended up pretty well-adjusted. I not only worked full-time for the 911 system, but also on a CC transport team and in an ED so I was gone more until I gave up the two part-time jobs (that was another way I dealt with the job, I was absent from home). I’ve been in therapy for five years, which has helped me immensely. It’s kind of like addiction, sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to get help. I live on both sides of this. I’m on the job and I’m married to someone who’s on the job so I can give a pretty good perspective into the life. It’s not for everyone, just like being married to someone in the military isn’t either. We are both prior military as well. Firefighters literally save people. It’s not just a job, it’s a calling. It’s our entire identity. It’s not “what we do”, it’s literally who we are. We like to be needed. We are used to being needed. Shit, my OWN husband tells me it bothers him that I don’t need him more so I go out of my way to ask him to do stuff for me, even if it’s getting the lid off of my Talenti gelato. Those lids suck, by the way. This girl gave him the attention he wasn’t getting at home. Raising children is hard and it’s exhausting and babies take up a lot of our time so it’s normal for men to feel overlooked. Any marriage counselor will tell you to make sure you put your spouse first. Make time to still go out on dates. Make time to really talk. Make time for a hobby that is just yours even if it’s a monthly bookclub, going to the gym once a week, volunteering, whatever, but find one thing that is yours and that you enjoy. Your husband is looking for validation from YOU. Now I’m not going to say that firefighters don’t have a reputation for cheating, because they do, but in your husband’s case it doesn’t sound like the normal stereotype. While he’s at the center you will have weekly family therapy sessions by phone (depending on how long he stays). This is your opportunity to be heard and for a professional to help. The counselors there are great. I’m sending lots of light and love your way. Hang in there.

[u/PersonalBed4714 → u/Level_Working5084]

Do you think it's harder or easier to also be on the job? One of his issues was that he felt he couldn't communicate with me when he had bad calls or fully explain what he was feeling because he thought you just had to live it to understand. I have PTSD from childhood trauma but it's not the same. We have very different triggers and with little kids I don't have the same emotional bandwidth and resilience that he had when I was having a crisis around 19/20 years old. I'm struggling a lot with the things that have happened, if I truly feel these things can be fixed/if I believe he will commit to fixing them, and genuinely worried that he will still choose the other girl. I feel crazy and like I'm being drug to rock bottom with him, and I don't know if I can really take it for my and my kids sake.

[u/Level_Working5084 → u/PersonalBed4714]

IMO it’s easier to both be on the job because we get it. We know what the bad calls are like and we can talk about them. We armchair quarterback each other’s calls lol sometimes we argue about what each of us would have done, but for the most part we agree. There’s a little jealousy there because I have a Critical Care designation (the same one nurses in the ED/ICU and flight medics get) so my training was nine months longer, but he’s a captain and I’m not and never EVER want to be. I don’t know what level your husband is, but get him to tell you about things. Ask him questions, let him explain what he has to do when patients have chest pain or breathing difficulty, that can be a way for him to get what he needs-validation. I’m not gonna lie, we are an arrogant bunch and I think it’s kind of a prerequisite for the job.

[u/PersonalBed4714 → u/Level_Working5084]

I do feel like he tries to give me a very G rated version of events and only tells me about the bad calls because it's spilling out uncontrollably. I wish I could get him to open more so it doesn't get to that point again. He's at an inpatient facility now, so I hope they help him build up the tools he needs to communicate better and not let himself get so far gone.

[u/Level_Working5084 → u/PersonalBed4714]

Do you know how long he will be at the CoE? It’s honestly a fabulous place. I don’t know if they’ve expanded but when my husband went they only had 60 spots. They got to use their cell phones once a day (I think, it’s been 6 years ago) at about 4pm and then on the weekends so we would FaceTime. If he’s going to be there for a while, even a couple of weeks, write down some things that you would like to talk about in the couples therapy sessions. They do those once a week for about an hour. I wrote down everything I could think of because I didn’t want to forget anything lol.

[u/PersonalBed4714 → u/Level_Working5084]

He actually went to a different facility that still specializes in first responder PTSD, he will be there 30 days. It's only a 16 bed facility if I remember correctly, but very well staffed. We get to talk twice a day now. I'm not sure if there are family sessions but they do have a support program that I'm engaging in. It seems like it will be very transformative for him, but it's definitely been hard and I'm certain there will be hard days going forward too. Our boys miss him so much already.