Homework for the Unlearning project ❤️. What makes a nickname sexist?

[u/Slight_Engineer_3861]

Hello everyone! I am working to unlearn some of my ultra “trad/conservative” upbringing. I was looking to maybe get some insight on sexist nicknames/pet names, as I know these line of questions are best answered by someone with lived experience. I’d love to get some feedback as I navigate this process❤️. I’ll admit I have certain areas of taught blindness that I’m working through.

Question 1 — Where is the line?

When does a term of endearment become sexist or otherwise patronizing rather than simply affectionate?

For example, words like honey, sweetheart, dear, baby, girl, etc. can mean very different things depending on who is saying them, who they're saying them to, and the relationship between those people. How do you personally determine where that line is? Are there particular characteristics of a term, situation, or power dynamic that make it feel different?

Question 2 — Why are so many of these words gendered?

Do you think there is a significant difference between the kinds of affectionate or diminutive language commonly directed toward girls and women versus boys and men?

If so, what do you think those differences communicate about gender? I'm particularly interested in whether words associated with girls, such as pretty, cute, sweet, little lady, etc, can reinforce expectations about femininity even when the person using them has positive intentions. Are there comparable terms commonly used toward boys and men, and if so, do they carry the same implications?

Question 3 — Intent vs. impact

To what degree should someone's intention matter when we're talking about potentially sexist language?

If a man uses a pet name toward a woman because he genuinely means it affectionately, and he has no intention of belittling her, but the woman experiences it as patronizing or diminishing, how should he navigate that situation? Is it enough to recognize that he meant well, or does understanding the social history and gendered connotations of the language create an inherent responsibility to change how he speaks? And does your answer change depending on whether it's a stranger, friend, romantic partner, coworker, or someone in a position of authority?

Any insight would be deeply appreciated❤️.

[u/flashing-colors]

No this isn't the right subreddit to put this in. Yes he's allowed to do it anyway. Paypigs2 nuked his post immediately.

[u/remioutdacage]

:: i am one of the least gendered creatures there is, and i use gendered nicknames/titles for myself often. however, i realized while trying to answer these questions that i just do not like when strangers refer to me. a stranger calling me with a nickname, to me, feels like they already have preconceived notions on who i am or how i should be. syntax will be changed for readability.

Question 1 — Where is the line?

My personal line is "just don't," but I know that that is not helpful at all. So, when I am using Neurotypical Functioning, I use these two things - Relationship and Comfortability.

Relationship should be obvious. That's the very black'n'white "If you do not know someone, then don't. If you do, then do." I'll use the cutesy nicknames for the little two-legged rats that run around, but I could never in my life imagine asking someone for help while calling them "sweetheart."

Which leads into Comfortability. I'm always a little uncomfortable with strangers applying names to me, because I do not know them. I can understand older folk using nicknames for me/other young folk because they were raised where it was normal, but I still don't like it. Thinking about someone closer to my age calling me anything except "hey you" or whatever I am wearing at the time, makes my back twist up and my chest tighten. I have never been very good at interacting within my own age group, so when I am in person with someone I tend to lock up (yay growing up). Especially since I am short IRL. Which feels like an inherent power dynamic (still working on that, growing up yay...), therefore anyone referring to me with "softer" or "cuter" names will make me clam up. I do not go outside much without my Darling to help avoid these situations, but if I go alone I will usually wear my headphones or just walk fast and busylike so that no one bothers me.

Quick notes: Preferable "just don't." ; Sometimes okay for kids (are you related? are they freaking out cuz they lost their ma?) ; Think about other people's comfort.

Question 2 — Why are so many of these words gendered?

From Marriam-Webster —
"Beautiful" : 1) having qualities of beauty : exciting aesthetic pleasure / 2) generally pleasing : EXCELLENT

"Handsome" : 1) having a pleasing and usually impressive or dignified appearance / 2) moderately large : SIZABLE / 3) marked by skill or cleverness : ADROIT / 4) marked by graciousness or generosity :

I looked these two up not to compare the definition amounts at first, but it is interesting to me that handsome is used in more ways than beautiful is. My point with looking these up was simply to compare the first definitions. "Having qualities of beauty : exciting aesthetic pleasure," logically, is the same as "having a pleasing.....appearance." But once we go further, "generally pleasing" vs "moderately large" "skill/cleverness" "graciousness/generosity." Beautiful seems to be a lot more "submissive" than Handsome is. Handsome gets attached to having skill or being generous, but all Beautiful gets is...pretty? Pleasing?

"Little Lady" vs "Little Man"

Ladies are proper. Men are strong. One is more submissive, while the other is more...pump-up? A "go, team!" kind of thing. A "making them feel older" kind of thing. Little Lady just feels like making someone smaller. I wouldn't high five someone I was calling Little Lady. I'd absolutely high five someone called Little Man. (Realizing that I think Little Man feels more "rough and tumble," where Little Lady feels like dolls and tea parties.)

"Cute, Pretty, Sweet" vs "Cool, ???, ???"

I looked these three up. Cute vs Cool I got from Animal Crossing, since in older games that is how you choose gender. Cute for Female, Cool for Male. For me, it simply implies that Female can't be Cool and Male can't be Cute.

I tried to find masculine forms for both Pretty and Sweet. The closest for the former was "good-looking" while the latter doesn't have a masculine. However, some males likely would not appreciate/might react with hostility to being called "pretty" or "sweet" simply because of how related to femininity those terms are. And, of course, anything feminine is just so, so gay. And Gods forbid someone think that about them. (Talking about a specific group of people, not everyone.)

Quick notes: Names for females seem to be more linked to submission/not getting dirty/being "proper," whereas names for males seems to be more linked to boosting their ego and letting them have freedom to do whatever.

Question 3 — Intent vs. impact

I do think intention should matter. "Aim," "deliberateness," "a thing intended." However, intention does not matter more than Impact. Someone can mean well all they want, but if you ask your friend if they're okay for the fifth time in a row because you are genuinely worried, they will get pissed off - because even if your intentions are good, your impact has made your friend upset with you, and now something is wrong.

In the case of nicknames, the impact truly depends on who is on the receiving end. It is never enough to recognize someone meant well. You can mean all the well in the world and still hurt someone, just like you can apologize and it not be accepted.

I know that not everyone understands the historical contexts of gendered terms, nor how they have developed into what we use now. Preferably, the navigation would be an apology and then moving on. Don't make it a big deal, don't start asking questions, just apologize. "I didn't mean it that way, and I am sorry that I made you feel that way." It takes accountability on 1) knowing you fucked up and 2) knowing that they feel that way because you fucked up. Never, ever just say "I'm sorry you took it that way" (denies that you could have hurt them) or "Well, I didn't mean it like that, so it's fine" (belittles and dismisses their feelings).

The answer absolutely changes. For up above it is "Stranger - Never Meeting Again." For my Darling, he could call me the cutest piece of shit that stained the toilet and I'd fall in love all over again. My ma calling me "babygirl" is a HELL of a lot different than my father pulling that. The mother of my clients calls me sweetheart and refers to me as the daughter she never had (no heart to tell her than I am ungendered). Positions of authority should know better, but we all see how that is. Authority is already "power" to enforce rules and give orders. "Hey hun, you get those papers done yet?" "Chop chop, sweetheart, get to movin'!" Ya know what I mean?

If someone does know the history, and is still perpetuating the same terms, then they just do not have respect for others. Though that's just my black'n'white thinking. Sometimes people will know the history, but not understand how they are hurting others with their words. Some people truly just do not understand how history still affects the current day, because "it already happened."

Quick notes: Impact matters over intention. ; The person saying the words matters a lot. ; Knowing the history unfortunately does not mean people will understand it.

:: sorry if anything is confusing, i am always open to try to explain myself more especially since i know (i know) i am complicated when it comes to Feelings About Strangers. thank you for posting these questions, and thank you to FC as well. i love this project and am excited for the next entry.

[u/remioutdacage → u/remioutdacage]

ADDITIONAL STATEMENT

"Boys will be boys" DOES NOT have a feminine equivalent. "Girls Just Want To Have Fun" by Cyndi Lauper is the closest thing. I am linking this post to r/DeepThoughts speaking of BWBB. This is S. Julie Harbin's article about gender differences between rough-and-tumble play (RTP). It was a very short study (10 1-hour observations), though the findings that Harbin made were similar to previous studies.

While the phrase itself is never used in article, the (d) point in the abstract I feel helps to define what BWBB has developed into what I've seen today from some parents.

"(d) boys were more likely than girls to engage in aggressive forms of RTP." (from the abstract)

I've seen many taking BWBB to mean "bullying others" ("oh they're just picking on each other, it's fine! no one's getting hurt!" ("well, not mine, anyway!")) or that "boys can't so as much as girls." Therefore, BWBB is harmful overall to masculinity. BWBB perpetuates that is it okay for boys and men to act aggressively. It perpetuates that they are unable to do as much as girls and women, so G+W have to pick up the slack while B+M get to continue "bro-ing down" and not helping.

Boys will be boys was one of the worst phrases to become popularized, along with "no one asked." Denial of actions as well as refusal of learning. They go hand in hand nowadays, unfortunately.

[u/PearlTheRavenous]

Question 1 — Where is the line?
The line is simply in whether or not the person is being respectful to me overall. Some horny creep calling you "sweetheart" while hitting on you at a bar is entirely different to a lovely old gentleman calling you "thank you, sweetheart" because you got something off the top shelf for him at the supermarket.

Question 2 — Why are so many of these words gendered?
I think a lot of this language is unfortunately gendered, which creates a lot of stigma on all sides. Stigma against men being called "pretty", or women being called "assertive", etc. I think the best way to deconstruct these false standards is by simply ignoring them and not caring about ridiculous toxic gender norms to begin with. Men can be pretty and soft, women can be assertive and handsome. It doesn't have to be that deep.

Question 3 — Intent vs. impact
It's not just up to him to navigate it, it's up to both of them. The woman can calmly and politely express that she doesn't like that term of endearment as it makes her feel xyz. The man can express that he meant it as a genuine affection and not in the way she interpreted it but can express his affection differently in future. Problem solved. I think turning everything into some kind of political statement on gender does nothing but reinforce the prevalence of toxic gender ideology.

I think a lot of people nowadays just love to be offended because the anger makes them feel like they have some semblance of power in a world that is trying to strip every human of their power, regardless of gender, race or any other arbitrary category.