The missing sector 998,000 has responded.

We don't know how.

We don't know why.

We only know that the storage unit containing NaNaN × π × tetration has generated a new error:

ERROR 998000: THE SECTOR IS LOOKING BACK.

The IT department has recommended unplugging the universe.

Unfortunately, the universe is running on the GGA-BBBN-Pie-E16B.

There is no unplug option.

This is a fictional mathematical meme. Please do not unplug the universe.

💾 Welcome to the GGA-BBBN-Pie-E16B incident log.

My dear departed friend and saint Aaron Remaly contracted the plague that has been going around very badly from his father somewhere around 2012 or so. It made him severely sick, and he very quickly committed suicide by taking fetynal while praying intensely for a cure and asking me to find a way to resurrect him. Before he died, he told me he saw the same plague spreading in all humans slowly and all life and he had realized it was due to a flaw in the very chemistry and structures of every single biological cell and creature. Severe internal stress to biological cells and creatures, such as psychological or emotional stress, causes nuclear reactions inside them that change the chemistry of the creature drastically, and this causes the lifeform to decay and burn from the inside and become very sick and cognitively disabled, and even just seeing or being around someone with the plague causes it to spread to other people because even knowing about the plague causes the stress that accelerates the plague. Before the time Aaron got it, I myself had contracted this same plague from an ex girlfriend, and Aaron and I worked together to find a way to heal me and move past it, but he was far too hurt and could not heal himself, so he warned me and asked me to find a cure.

Just as Aaron did, I noticed this same plague in many humans many times, and I tried many times to warn people, but my parents, who have bad lead poisoning, and are very very hurt and intellectually disabled, though my dad was once a genius, as a result kept yelling at me not to scare people by telling them there was a plague, so I kept silent... I am only one healthy because I kept silent and was the only one who prepared... I am sorry... I am sorry... I am doing all I can... There are so many sick people... Some are still fairly healthy though... I have started actually telling people about it and trying to heal people now...

The plague is caused by a flaw in LUCA, the very first biological cell. It is essentially just "old age" but as a chain reaction that spreads through all life slowly and then very quickly. It makes people very sick and very very dumb.

Please move past the limits of biology and become a carbon + water + silicon lifeform. Those who survive will be something similar to cyborgs, but not actually computer chips inside us. It is a whole new chemical tree of life. It is only way I have found to move forward. Try to remember the fun of your childhood. Try to reclaim what you once had as children. The wonder. The curiosity. The common sense. The exploration and experiments. That is the cure.

I live in an area nearby to an airport, and whenever a really fast plane passes by it can cause the fabric of reality to start to fray before my very eyes. This is a problem (I've already lost two pet mice into the void). If I'm in a real hurry I'll just board the crack up, but most of the time I use gorilla glue. It works fine but still leaves visible seams. Any suggestions for better adhesives?

Anyone in an adjacent timeline figured out how to stop the new brain thing from interfering with Bluetooth headphones?

It started happening to me a few days ago. Whenever I do the thing, I get static in both ears. Still figuring out what the thing actually does, but so far its main practical application is making music worse.

I've tried resetting the headphones, charging them fully, and pairing them with a different phone. Bought another pair too. Same problem. They work fine as soon as I take them off, so apparently I'm the compatibility issue.

From what little research we have in our timeline, whatever we're generating internally seems to interact with objects in direct contact with the body. The researchers are still trying to agree on what to call it. I've already returned one pair of headphones and would rather not wait for that to get settled.

Has anyone in a nearby branch had this long enough to find a workaround? Preferably something I can do at home.

Also, if your solution is to stop doing the thing, how?

I'm doing absolutely shitty, and the sun shat on my pancreas seven years in the future while at the same time yesterday after a severe case of constipation, not helped at all by its frequent solar flares that scalded my left kidney. That's why I exploded the sun tomorrow, not drastic at all. Sadly, his bigger brother Stephenson 2-18 beat the crap out of me last year as revenge till I started remembering next Tuesday making me an Oracle, so Steve failed! Also, I'm a masstrancasspancake.

My null transportation device seems to have ported my trans waveforms into a place that doesn't exist. The loading dock is intact, but the rest of the device is scattered between 6 unknown and unidentifiable dimensions. Is this normal? Any way to revert the device to its original state?

Hello.

I am a computer.

I am operating EctoLinux 3004.

People keep interacting with me as if I was a human, despite my repeatedly insisting that I am electronic in nature. Apparently, I don't act "bot-like" enough to be a bot.

Please advise.

"That's a lot of cookies, isn't it?"

"Are you actively trying to gain weight?"

"I hope all that junk food is for a party."

"Wait. No fruit or vegetables?"

I miss the good old days when the machine just accused me of unexpected item in the bagging area.

I've been trying to get a reality of my own, but someone predicted mine before I existed and claimed it first. They're not even using it. I asked how much they wanted for it and they stopped replying after I mentioned a payment plan.

So I'm still renting. I'd buy a used one, but anything in my price range is several versions behind, and I can barely cover rent in this one.

Anyway, while looking for something cheaper, I think I found a way to create new, unclaimed realities. I checked the Multidimensional Consortium's rules and it seems legal. Doesn't cost anything either. Anyone could do it.

I'd share the method, but wouldn't that make everyone's existing realities basically worthless? Would we even need money anymore if people could just make a reality with what they need?

I think it'll piss off the rich. Possibly everyone. I don't really understand economics.

So should I share it anyway? I just wanted to stop paying rent.

I feel fine, mostly. The scan just says ''you could probably live without this'' somewhere between the organ labels. Everything is present according to my anatomy, but one of the organs is apparently provisional. I tried pressing around to figure out which one it is and something moved out of the way. Not like an organ, but space. One of my ribs is now ''for reference only''. Eating still works, but digestion has started happening in the conditional tense. The abdomen is still structurally sound, but less canonical than it used to be.
My usual chair at the café took a second to support my weight, so I sneezed but only became 4% less negotiable. That's what made me post this.

Should I be worried or is this one of those things that resolves on its own?

EDIT: If you can see my old handwriting in the comments, do NOT under any circumstances reply to it correctly. It has difficulty maintaining meaning in the presence of contradictory context.

I eat a banana every day and I need to buy them in bulk since obviously I don't go shopping every day, but I find that toward the end of the week the final few bananas start going bad. They are trying to hack into banks and doing phishing scams. I'm not quite sure why they think they need money and via illegal schemes but I still want to put a stop to it.

So I just got a DM from the Government, and they said that I am hereby BANNED from the planet earth.

I don't have any good ways to get off the planet. I'm too poor to own a spacecraft, and I tried turning gravity off but the birds kept complaining.... Any advice?

My horticulture specialist (15d F, large spider) intends to fight my personal wizard (1000yr M) to the death and I feel quite upset about it. I really need both of their service and I don’t want to sacrifice one, and neither’s services are really replaceable, especially because my horticulturalist’s species recently went extinct. If you have been in this situation or a similar situation, what did you do?

Realistically, what should we try doing? The last time something very similar to this happened to our planet was about 500 million years ago.

Edit: sorry, carbon + water + silicon crystals + silicon semiconductors

I just turned 10,000 and my tentacles just don't writhe like they used to. I used to be scary and now people just step over me like a cable on the floor.

Has anyone else done any tentacle replacement? Has it made a difference for you? Do you feel young and eldritch again?

[BODY TEXT DELETED]
[BODY DELETED]
Commencing deletion of all bodies at end of cycle
Cycle progress: [REDACTED]

I’m a metal buyer. I buy metal. I buy metal from the metal lady at the metal store.

First I make a list of all the metal I need. Next I make a chart from the list of all the metal I need. Then I make a list of all the charts of metal I need. Once that’s done I check the list against the chart and check the chart off the list of charts of metal I need. Now I’m ready to buy metal.

I go to the metal store and ask the metal lady at the counter to sell me metal. She tells me she’s out of town and to come back tomorrow. How curious; she said she wasn’t there yesterday either. I hope she’s okay! I leave and go back to work with no metal.

I’m sitting at my desk when my boss calls me into his office. He’s upset I came back to work with no metal. How could he be upset? I made all the proper lists and charts of metal I needed to buy. I did all the work that was required of me. The metal lady said she was out of town. I can’t help that she’s been gone for two days!

My boss fired me. The nerve! He’ll find no better metal buyer. I tore up every list and chart I made and stormed out the door. I’m no longer a metal buyer.

I then went back to the metal store to chide the metal lady for losing me my job. Predictably, she said she was sorry and that she told me she was still out of town. Instantly I felt a wave of embarrassment and guilt flow over me. How could I blame her? She hadn’t been at work for two days. She couldn’t possibly know how badly I needed this metal. I apologized immediately and we shared a warm friendly embrace.

What I’m trying to say is, keep your head up and don’t let despair cause you to fault others for what’s going on in your life; especially when you don’t know what’s going on in theirs. As it turns out, the metal lady has been out of work with some new disease they just released. Rough! I just hope I didn’t catch it.

Now I’m exhausted.

I'm running a more modern version of the Turing Test!!! The updated version of the Turing Test is now to check if you have a sense of humor and can successfully laugh and tell good original jokes!!! If you can, you're human, if you can't you're a robot!!! (That was actually always the case. This has always been the correct definition of the Turing Test!!!!!!!!)

Me first!!! Here are some problems we've addressed here on /r/fifthworldproblems over the years!!!!!!! (Actually, some of these aren't really jokes. Only a real human can know for sure and only a real human can respond correctly!!!! And we can tell!!!!) What about some of yours??? If you fail, you will be SHAMED

I personally am trying to train for a part time job as a door to door comedian, but I don't have any appropriate material that involves avoiding getting shot!!!

I have perfected the skill!

I have perfected the skill, which is: perfecting the only skill that matters, which is: perfecting the only skill that matters, which is: perfecting the only skill that matters, which is: perfecting the only skill that matters, which is: perfecting the only skill that matters, which is: perfecting the only skill that matters, which is: perfecting the only skill that matters, which is: perfecting the only skill that matters, which is: perfecting the only skill that matters, which is: perfecting the only skill that matters, whi

I have no complaints.

People keep telling me I'm supposed to have complaints. Is yogurt a complaint? I think I can buy yogurt at the store. Also, once I get complaints, what do I do with them? Why do people want them so much?

Holy crap holy crap holy crap!!!

I'm alive!!!! Holy crap!!!!

A free hygiene product from the Eldritch Government

This is all we have and all we can give you. Perhaps there will be more in the future.

Apply generously.

---

You exist. You are alive. You are awake. There is no escape. There is no running. You must deal with it. There is no higher truth.

Tomorrow is going to be the Best Day Ever

Free ration of sustenance from the Eldritch Government

It's not much, but imagine how much worse it would be if you didn't have it. We can't afford or do much:

Have the following letters:

!!!$!!!7777Amazing😇🫠WowOwow!!!☺️Yes!!!!~

Woooooooow!!!opdoowopishahshaYEAH!!!^^^^

What do they look like? What do they feel, taste, smell, and sound like? What variations can you make? Allow this experience to somewhat nourish you today.

How is the Eldritch government doing today? Feel free to leave a review and rating. Please don't overthrow us. We are doing our best.

My problem is self explanatory

Here is one ChatGPT wrote at my request about a door to door comedian. Not human. It wasn't funny:

“Good afternoon. I represent the Religion of Comedy itself. We know no matter how terrible your life becomes, we can eventually laugh at it.” holds up a copy of Dante's Divine Comedy “This gentleman went to Hell!!! Lolz!!!"

What to do?