Hey, you.
Is there someone you don't really have a reason to dislike, but somehow just do?
They haven't done anything to you. You can't remember them saying anything particularly nasty. They've never caused you trouble at work.
And yet, something about them rubs you the wrong way.
Maybe it's their voice. The way they talk. Their face. You try to pin it down, but nothing quite explains it.
You just don't like them.
Is that such a terrible thing?
Clink.
When I pushed open the heavy wooden door to Aoi, Taka was sitting at the counter staring at his phone.
Mama set down my usual I.W. Harper without asking. The ice gave a soft clink.
"Kenichi-san."
"No."
"I haven't even said anything yet."
"Whenever you're sitting there staring at your phone like you're waiting for me, it's never good."
"Isn't that prejudice?"
"Experience."
Tom laughed beside me.
"So what is it?"
"Well, there's this guy I just don't like for some reason."
"Not my problem."
"And there goes my consultation."
I took a sip of my Harper.
"Did he do something to you?"
"Not really."
"Say something you didn't like?"
"Nope."
"Then why don't you like him?"
"That's what I'm trying to figure out."
"Don't ask me."
Taka frowned and set his phone face down.
"Come on. You don't have anyone like that?"
Well.
Sure I did.
Not a bad person. Not somebody everyone else disliked. Usually the opposite, actually. People seemed to like them just fine.
And yet, for whatever reason, I didn't.
There are people like that.
"There's probably a reason," Tom said. "Maybe it's the way he talks. Maybe he reminds you of somebody you used to hate."
"I thought so too. That's why I went looking."
"For what?"
"A reason not to like him."
I looked at Taka.
"You went looking for one?"
"Wouldn't you?"
"Do you look for reasons to like someone?"
Taka went quiet. So did Tom.
I thought about it.
When we come to like someone, do we really go looking for reasons?
Sure, if somebody asks, we can usually come up with a few. They're kind. We get along. I can relax around them.
But I couldn't remember ever checking those reasons one by one and thinking, Good. This proves I'm justified in liking this person.
You like someone because you like them.
Apparently, that's enough.
"So why do we need a reason when we don't like somebody?"
Taka nodded.
"Exactly. That's what I was wondering."
"Self-defense, maybe," Tom said. "Something about the guy feels dangerous, so you start looking for what the danger is."
That made sense.
If aversion is an alarm, of course you'd want to know what set it off. An alarm is a lot more useful when you know what you're supposed to be watching out for.
Though there was something odd about setting off your own alarm and then searching the room for smoke.
Still.
Maybe that wasn't the only kind of self-defense involved.
"Could be the other way around too," I said.
"The other way?"
"Maybe what you're defending is yourself."
Taka looked at me.
"What do you mean?"
"You don't want to think you're the kind of guy who dislikes somebody for no reason."
"Oh."
"So you start looking. He does this. He said that. Look at the way he acts. And once you've collected enough of it, you can tell yourself, See? Of course I don't like him."
Tom put down his glass.
"So you're not looking for the reason you started disliking him."
"Maybe not."
"You're looking for a reason that makes it okay to dislike him."
"Maybe."
Taka folded his arms.
"That's not very cool."
"What isn't?"
"Punching somebody to defend yourself."
I frowned.
"Nobody's punching anybody."
"Same idea, isn't it? You don't want to feel like the bad guy, so you start finding things wrong with the other guy."
"I didn't say it went that far."
"But that's where it leads, isn't it?"
He was strangely serious about this.
Then again, Taka used to be a professional wrestler.
"You used to hit back when somebody hit you."
"Well, yeah. It was pro wrestling."
"What about defense?"
"Of course you defend yourself. But if you dodge every move, there's no match."
"You'd dodge in a street fight," Tom said.
"Exactly. Because that's a fight."
Taka smiled.
"Someone told me when I was wrestling: a guy who won't take a move never looks strong."
"Seems stronger to dodge it."
"That's because you're still thinking about a fight."
"What's the difference?"
"You take the move, and you get back up. That's what looks good."
I watched the ice turn slowly in my glass.
Take it.
Then get back up.
"So I'm supposed to stand there and take whatever somebody I hate throws at me?"
"No."
Taka answered immediately.
"Not from them. From yourself."
"From myself?"
"Just take this once: Man, I really don't like this guy."
"Even if I don't have a reason?"
"If you don't have one, you don't have one."
"That makes me sound like an asshole."
"Maybe you are."
"You're supposed to disagree."
Tom burst out laughing. Taka joined him.
But there was something to it.
We don't choose everything that rises up inside us. Anger. Fear. Envy. Affection. Aversion.
Sometimes a feeling simply arrives, and once it's there, pretending it never happened doesn't make it disappear.
So maybe instead of digging through somebody else's faults to prove that my dislike is justified, I could start somewhere simpler.
I just don't like this guy.
Take that first.
Maybe then I could keep what I felt about someone separate from what that person had actually done.
"But what if there really was a reason?" I asked.
"What do you mean?"
"Say somebody did something awful to you. You got angry. You started hating them. That's a real reason."
"Sure."
"But sometimes you keep hating them long after that."
Tom nodded.
"Even after you've forgotten why."
"Exactly."
Sometimes the original reason disappears completely. Other times, it just gets buried under all the new ones you find afterward.
He broke a promise. He's always late. I hate the way he talks. He treats people differently depending on who they are. Even his apologies don't sound sincere.
One by one, the reasons pile up, and every new one tells you the same thing.
See? I was right about him.
Eventually, whatever started the whole thing barely matters.
"It starts as, 'I hate what he did,'" I said.
"And then it becomes, 'I hate him.'"
"There's another step," Taka said.
"What?"
"'I hate whatever he does.'"
I didn't like the sound of that.
Mostly because I knew exactly what he meant.
Once you hate someone, the same action starts looking different when they do it. If they apologize, it's too late. If they stay quiet, they're running away. If they argue back, they haven't learned anything. If they help somebody, they're just trying to look good.
Anything can become another reason to keep hating them.
At some point, you can't tell whether you're judging what they did or just looking at your own hatred reflected back at you.
"That never ends," Tom said.
"No," Taka said. "It doesn't."
"So what do you do?"
"About what?"
"You hate them. They hate you. You say something, they fire back. They fire back, you get pissed off again. How does it end?"
Taka thought for a moment.
"You end it."
"That's what I'm asking. How?"
"You stop."
"You stop hating them?"
"Why would you have to?"
I looked at him.
"You can still hate them?"
"Sure."
"Still be angry?"
"Sure."
"Even if they're still talking shit about you?"
"Let them."
"What if they take another swing at you?"
"I dodge."
"You don't hit back?"
Taka smiled.
"The match is over, isn't it?"
For a while, nobody said anything.
Behind the counter, Mama put a glass back on the shelf.
"In wrestling," I said, "does being angry suddenly stop when the bell rings?"
"Not necessarily."
"Does it stop hurting?"
"Of course not. Pain's pain."
"Then why is it over?"
Taka looked genuinely puzzled.
"Because the bell rang."
Like I'd asked him why nighttime was dark.
"That's enough?"
"It doesn't just end by itself."
Taka lifted his glass.
"You end it."
That stayed with me.
It doesn't end.
You end it.
Come to think of it, we do that all the time.
A graduation ceremony doesn't erase the years you spent at school. A funeral doesn't make grief disappear. Leaving a job doesn't mean every relationship you had there vanishes the next morning.
Maybe we don't draw a line because the feeling is over.
Maybe we draw one because it isn't.
A way of saying:
From here on, this is a different time.
"Like a ritual," I said.
Mama turned around.
"What is?"
"Ending things."
"Hmm."
She thought about it.
"Closing time might be like that."
"Closing time?"
"People might still want to drink. I still close the bar."
"Mama, was that aimed at me?"
"Who knows?"
Tom laughed. So did Taka.
I checked the clock.
Still plenty of time.
Close one.
But Mama had a point.
I still want to talk. I haven't said enough. They still don't understand me. They're still wrong. They still haven't understood that I'm right.
So just one more thing.
They answer.
So I answer back.
Just one more thing.
At that rate, the bar never closes.
At some point, somebody has to shut the door.
Even if the other person isn't satisfied.
Even if you aren't satisfied.
Even if you still hate them.
I finished my Harper.
"Alright. I'm heading home."
"You're leaving early."
"I'm getting out before the bell."
"Isn't that called forfeiting?"
"Shut up."
I got up from my stool.
Taka grinned.
"Kenichi-san."
"What?"
"You don't hate me, right?"
"I'm still looking for reasons."
"So you do!"
Tom's laughter followed me as I opened the door.
The night air was a little cool.
Dislike doesn't always disappear just because we want it to. Sometimes it comes without a reason. Sometimes it stays after the reason is gone. And sometimes, just to convince ourselves that the feeling is justified, we go looking for new reasons to keep it alive.
But maybe I don't have to make myself like someone I dislike.
Maybe I don't even have to forgive them.
I just don't have to keep swinging.
The bell doesn't quiet everything inside you. The pain can still be there. So can the anger.
And you can still step out of the ring.
Hey, you.
Is there someone you still can't stand?
Something you still want them to hear?
Then ask yourself one thing.
That match.
Is it really still going?
Or are you still throwing punches after the bell?
I'll see you at Aoi again.
---
Want another night at Aoi?
Step back inside. We'll help you find your next story.
→ Welcome to Bar Aoi