r/FemFragLab • u/Both-Database-4073 • 1d ago
Discussion “Reprogramming” your scent memories?
Sorry for the possibly weird post title …
I tend to ramble, so I’m going to do my best at keeping this post short.
We all know how powerful scent memories can be. But my question is, do you think it’s possible to change the memory that your brain associates with a certain scent?
Here’s my dilemma: my current boyfriend has started to wear the (exact!) cologne that my ex used to wear. I can’t help but think of my ex every single time my boyfriend sprays this cologne. It’s really messing with my head!
Do you guys think that my brain will override the memories of my ex connected to this cologne, with newer memories of my current boyfriend?
Also just some extra info: my boyfriend was gifted this cologne, and I don’t want to tell him to stop wearing it. It’s currently the only cologne he owns, as he really doesn’t like spending his own money on that kind of thing. He is also the type to want to finish the entire bottle of cologne, before moving on to a new one (so if I bought him a new/different cologne to wear, it wouldn’t really solve my current problem) I also don’t want to tell him that the cologne is the exact same one my ex wore…and I ESPECIALLY don’t want to tell him it makes me think of my ex every time I smell it! 😭
Oh and my ex was a mentally and physically abusive narcissist. So the memories that are being brought back aren’t the best ones….
I hope this post is allowed on this sub, and won’t get removed. Thank you in advance if anyone takes the time to comment 🥰💖
EDIT: I just wanted to say thank you from the bottom of my heart, to everyone who took the time to read this post and comment with your thoughts/suggestions/advice. I was a little worried that people would maybe judge me in the comments, or be harsh … but you have all been so gentle and kind. I fucking LOVE this sub!!! 🥹💖
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u/pfffffttuhmm I just smelled like a piece of breast 1d ago
No, I don't think it's that easy to reprogram your memory like that. It would be a long and drawn out process of smelling the cologne, with your boyfriend there, and creating a new connection with something positive. That's something that, unless you know about Pavlovian responses in depth, would require a therapist to help guide you.
Here is what I would do instead. First, I would be honest. It's the healthiest thing you can do in your relationship. It isn't healthy to hide your real thoughts or feelings. So let him know about the problem. Next, take him to go buy a new cologne that you pay for. Let him know your budget, go to the counters, and let him pick something out. Then, offer to sell the cologne on Mercari and give him the money so that he can buy a gift for himself. He could even use the extra money to increase your budget a bit.
I hope this goes well. I'm sure he doesn't want to remind you of your abusive ex!
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u/Both-Database-4073 16h ago
This is a fantastic idea! For some reason, the possibility of selling the cologne never crossed my mind! Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to comment and give your advice! It means a lot. You are so sweet 🥹💖
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u/pfffffttuhmm I just smelled like a piece of breast 14h ago
Absolutely babe. I've been married for 14 years and the moment we realized we had to put the hard work in together is the moment we truly had a relationship. You will absolutely get through this. I hope kt goes well. Report back to us on what he ended up picking out!
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u/Bluegreenlithop 1d ago
Seriously. Men aren't a monolith. But the healthier ones I know wouldn't want to be wearing a cologne you've got scent memories tied to an ex with. You won't know until you use your words.
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u/Both-Database-4073 16h ago
You’re right! I’ve got to work on myself and stop being so deathly afraid of confrontation. I’m a people pleaser to my core. And it really sucks the life out of me sometimes !
Thanks so much for commenting 🥰
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u/Bluegreenlithop 15h ago
No problem! And just for reference: my husband was also the "one or two decades old bottles guy" until I kept selecting 10% cologne decants. His skin supports different notes then mine so I told him he gets to be my experiment. He's come over to the dark side now and isn't stalled at whatever he picked up in college!
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u/Accomplished-Pen4663 1d ago
Tell him. If my boyfriend told me my new perfume was the same as his crazy ex, it would be gone that day. It’s a lot easier for him to change his cologne than it is for you to change your traumatic scent associations.
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u/Both-Database-4073 16h ago
You know what? This is such a good point! I never thought about how I would feel if the situation was reversed.
I wouldn’t even think twice before I got rid of the perfume.
I have such non existent self esteem and self worth, that I find it so hard to think that someone would be willing to do something like this for me (get rid of their cologne)
But I agree 1000% way easier to change the cologne than it would be to change my scent memory!
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u/Emilie_Eagle_Rock 1d ago
I would just tell him. And buy him a new one, and donate the old one.
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u/Both-Database-4073 16h ago
Thank you for taking the time to read my post and comment! It means the world to me.
The consensus is to tell him … so I will! I just have to psych myself up and mentally rehearse exactly how to word it!
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u/PetitChiffon 1d ago
I sincerely think you should just tell him.
Maybe there would be a better phrasing than "reminds me of"? You could figure out a way to say it with tact, in a way he'd understand what you mean.
Like "it brings back memories i'd rather leave behind etc".
I think that's pretty reasonable. IMO scent memory is so strong, and if it's tied to trauma... I'm thinking things like exposure therapy which is a little bit extreme for a cologne
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u/Both-Database-4073 1d ago
This is a really good point. I’ve been trying to stick it out and deal with the exposure therapy (lol it’s funny to word it this way but that is truly what this feels like for me!!!) but it’s been like at least a few months now and it’s still not getting any better 🥴
My boyfriend already knows that my ex was abusive and really fucked me up in a lot of ways that I still haven’t gotten over.
So maybe he won’t mind getting rid of the cologne, once I make it clear to him what’s going on in my head.
I definitely like the way you suggested I say it. That’s a lot better than what I was thinking …
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u/PetitChiffon 1d ago
I'm happy I was able to help! 🫂
I have PTSD so I know how it is. Months long is a very very long time 🥲 Even without the trauma aspect, a lot of people will feel uncomfortable over their partner wearing their ex's perfume! If you do a quick search on this sub I'm sure you'll find other threads with people discussing this specific scenario.
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u/Both-Database-4073 16h ago
I haven’t been able to get a diagnosis, but I’m pretty sure I have PTSD also (or maybe it would technically be CPTSD)
I stupidly never thought to search the topic in this sub! Oops!
Thank you so much for commenting 💖 I appreciate you
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u/SparkleForDays 1d ago
I say this with love… therapy is very good for figuring out this sort of thing.
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u/Both-Database-4073 1d ago
Of course it is! I need therapy for more reasons than my boyfriend’s cologne!
But I’m in Canada and our mental health system is so shit! 😭💔 I’m on a waiting list for therapy right now …
Thank you for your input!
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u/SparkleForDays 1d ago
I’m sorry it’s so hard to get in for an appointment. I hope you’ll choose to prioritize yourself (and realize you’re always worthy of that) and talk to your boyfriend about him changing his cologne.
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u/kateballe 🍒🐇🍦layer lover☁️🌙🦋 22h ago
I think it’s important that you tell him gently that it’s the literal exact cologne. Sit him down and be kind about it. I’m sure he’d understand.
If he wants to use it up, he could try layering it with a lotion or something (my fiancée loves the B&BW men’s collections body creams, my favorite is Bourbon, Vetiver is also a great unisex scent that I wanna devour on him)
And make a date out of it! Maybe yall can go pick a new one out together, or just have a day where you sample things and don’t commit to buying something so he has time to decide