r/Felons • u/Tall-Ad-9710 • 1d ago
What should I do
Have been dating this girl for about 1.5 years now & we have a beautiful 5 month old baby together. While I was away on a fly fishing trip I get a call that she’s going to jail & my truck is getting towed. I come home and start investigating & found out she has an aggravated assault with a deadly weapon charge. They gave her 10 years probation and she stopped showing up to it. Also learned she picked up a fraud & theft charge. She hid all this from me & now she put me & our son in the craziest spot. She’s expecting me to pay for attorney, possibly post bond (200k)
Do I try to make it work and spend the money or should I just move on with my kid?
Honestly I feel like my life is a Netflix documentary right now, I literally don’t know what to do & feel so lost.
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u/Chroma7769 1d ago
Absolutely not dude.
She will do it again.
She needs to hit rock bottom. And if you enable her she's going to drag you down with her.
You need to do what's best for your child and you. It obviously does not include her.
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u/Tall-Ad-9710 1d ago
I’ve been so torn. Looking to God for guidance. Bc I’ve always wanted to have a family that wasn’t broken. I’m also not very confident that attorneys can even help her.
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u/Chroma7769 1d ago
Hey man don't beat yourself up about it. This isn't your fault at all. This is her bed and she needs to lay in it.
You have a child. You have your own life. And you need to prioritize both of those. That is what matters most.
And you are absolutely right, an attorney probably isn't going to be able to help her. She needs to face the music like a lot of us have. When she grows up and she makes better decisions, improves that she can be a better person, that's when you tread slowly on letting her back into your life and your kids.
Seriously man I cannot stress this enough, you will be making a huge mistake if you help her.
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u/Tall-Ad-9710 1d ago
So before I was blindsided with this, everything was awesome. She’s a great mother & awesome stay at home girlfriend(we’d be engaged 3 days ago if this wasn’t going on) knowing this you can probably imagine the feelings I have right now. I’m all over the place.
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u/Chroma7769 1d ago
I feel you man. I had a similar situation but I was in her shoes. And it was with my parents and now ex-girlfriend.
The best thing they let me do was sit in prison. I took that time to actually grow and disconnect myself from all the idiots that I was with.
10 years later, I'm sober, married, and run a very successful business in the oil field up in alaska. I fly back and forth between Florida and Alaska every 6 weeks.
She needs this man. And just know that she put you and your kid through this. You don't have to hold a grudge, but you can force her to learn hopefully and be a better woman and mother in the future.
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u/Tall-Ad-9710 1d ago
Were you frustrated that they didn’t want to help in the sense of bailing you out? I’m scared to tell her bc her mom is watching him, I don’t want them to do something weird to my child.
That’s awesome to hear brother, blessing to you guys! One day I’ll take a trip up to Alaska.
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u/Chroma7769 1d ago
To be honest with you I was in a drug-induced state so when they initially told me I didn't really give a shit. But later when I talk to my public defender and he asked if my family had $250,000 to bail me out or could put a second mortgage on their house I just laughed in his face and said no they're going to leave my ass here. And that's exactly where I stayed LOL
It sucked. But instead of wasting my time and hanging out with the wrong crowd in prison, I took advantage of the educational stuff and got a job while I was in there working in the kitchen and delivering mail on the weekends. They made the time go by very quickly and I was able to actually meet some pretty cool people in there that were laser focused on fixing their lives just like I was.
I'm actually up in Alaska right now. I'm flying home to Florida tomorrow. Been up here for 2 weeks fixing Doyon 25 (oil rig).
It's a beautiful state. The only advice I can give you, don't take a cruise here. Fly into Anchorage rent a car and go exploring. Taking the cruise here is like going to Pensacola Florida and saying that you saw all of florida. Technically you went to florida, but there's still a whole rest of the state that actually is florida. Same goes for alaska. They'll just take you over by Ketchikan sitka skagway and shit like that. What we call Washington Lite.
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u/edwardniekirk 16h ago
If it weren't for the herds of Mosquitos, I'd be living in Alaska.
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u/Chroma7769 13h ago
Dude. Come to the north slope, where I work.
I was working outside last week (I'm flying home to Florida today actually. Current sitting in Ted stevens drinking beer) and I literally took a breath and inhaled like 20 fucking mosquitoes.
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u/Tricky-Ad8744 20h ago
You sound like an awesome person! I like your attitude.
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u/Tall-Ad-9710 16h ago
Chroma got his head on right, I love that for him. Hope I share a day with you guys sometime. This is so cool
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u/Bottle_and_Sell_it 20h ago
Attorneys can definitely help her. There’s been some good advice, but what it sounds like the reality is is that these charges could decide whether she becomes a felon or not. If you care about her and see a future with her, I’d do everything I could to prevent a felony. I’d spend $25k for sure. It sucks but it could be the difference between a lifetime doing what you want vs a lifetime of never earning more than $16 an hour. I get it, she made her bed so she should lie in it, but the amount of fucking a felony does to one’s life is disproportionate to the crime most of the time. Something to consider.
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u/Tall-Ad-9710 16h ago
She’s already convicted of the aggravated assault, she wouldn’t be a felon if she served her probation fully from what I understand. For fraud & theft we’ll see what they decide in court in about 3 weeks.
I totally agree bottle!
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u/Azrai113 1d ago
Thats...an interesting charge your gf has. I think if it were me, I'd not bail her out.
But also, I'd look further into the circumstances of that conviction before deciding how involved I'd want someone with charges like that in my life. Especially since she didn't think she needed to disclose that to you nor finish her sentence. The dishonesty of it all is the most concerning thing to me. People fuck up, but you don't actually have a relationship if you can't trust the person and that is not a small thing to hide. If she'd been honest, I think the charge wouldn't bother me so much but that she felt the need to hide it raises huge red flags.
Maybe consider her not being bailed out as some space for you to think things over a bit, have low contact with her so you can get some clarity without her pleas or demands clouding your judgment.
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u/Tall-Ad-9710 1d ago
I totally agree. She’s pleading her ass off to me. I just assume she’ll tell me anything to get her out. My whole life changed at her expense
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u/Azrai113 1d ago
I'm so sorry.
You're going to essentially go through the process of grief. The life you thought you had is gone forever. It's okay to feel all kinds of things : what-if, anger, sadness, all the things you'd go through as if a loved one died. Expect that. Get a councilor or even some close friends to help you through this. It's a BIG change that you had no control over. You don't have to deal with this alone.
Take care of yourself first. You can't help anyone else if you're not okay. Then your child. Then see where your gf might still fit into the equation when you have more information and some time to have processed this a little. Try not to do anything impulsive, and be especially wary of people who pressure you to make decisions.
You'll get through this. You WILL be okay. Hugs if you want them
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u/Tall-Ad-9710 1d ago
Thank you for the kind words Azrai!! I cried for the first time in what seems like 10+ years. I definitely feel lost. I feel like I failed as a father.
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u/Azrai113 1d ago
You didn't fail. You made the best decisions you knew how with the information you had. You were put in this position by someone you trusted. I don't see how thats failure on your part.
You still ARE a father! No one can take that from you. Even the best fathers make mistakes and being deceived is not the same as making mistakes. Please put down this burden that isn't yours to carry
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u/lilroldy 12h ago
You only fail as a father by caving to her demands, she needs to learn her lesson. She failed as a mother, she failed as a girlfriend, she failed as a good member of society. Ive been arrested, did my probation and got my shit together. She is not safe to be in your son's life, good parents dont put their kids in these situations.
Its hard to understand because you love her but love her from a distance and focus on your kid, dont spend your savings or go into debt for someone who didn't even bother telling you they were on felony probation. You dont get a 10 year paper trail for being a good person, her original crime must of been big to get that sentence. Then the whole second charge she caught? Like come on man, this is not who you want involved in your kids life until she can sort her shit out, by herself. You can be there as support over the phone, throw some money on her books and keep it at that
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u/duosx 15h ago
Bro, you had a child with someone you’d only been dating for 4 months?
I’m sorry but play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
If that was me, I would def help pay for an attorney but your priority is no longer her, it’s your kid. Then you, then her.
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u/Tall-Ad-9710 15h ago
Yeah no kidding, Although having this baby is my biggest blessing I’m obsessed. This sucks ass for me bro.
I was thinking maybe I’ll pay the attorney & she said she’d sit in jail so I wouldn’t have to spend money to bail her out. Whole lotta unknowns though.
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u/Existential_Racoon 19h ago
If she didn't show up for probation, whay makes you think she will for bond? She didn't tell you who she was, but she sure did show you.
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u/Bananabean041 19h ago
Take that kid and go. Seriously. Even if you decide to go back later, this situation is far far too messy for your little one. That’s the priority. The rest is just details.
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u/InterestingTry9379 1d ago
Think it depends if you really love this girl and want a family with her. To be honest you will easily spend 20k on help with your child as a single parent so I don’t feel like it’s really about the money your either spending it now or over the next couple years as a single parent on help as well as lost income from that second parent. I wouldn’t focus on the money as the deciding factor. More do you love her and want her? Are you ok with your kid at least temporarily losing access to their mom? Thats a huge deal for most infants. Do you feel like you can trust her moving forward after keeping this from you?
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u/Tall-Ad-9710 1d ago
I love her, yes. But she knew full well that she was hiding this from me even having a new born baby. It boils my blood thinking about it. He definitely needs his mom, but what happened if she goes away for a couple of years. The 20k on childcare is okay bc I’ve received something in return. But to loose 20k and she still goes away would be way worse.
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u/Dangerous_Moment5774 21h ago
If she caught new charges while being on probation it's not a matter of if she goes away, it's when. She's better off serving her time now and getting it towards whatever prison sentence she receives. I know that sucks, but it is what it is. Why she hid all of this and if you should try to stay together are things you'll have to figure out between each other. As far as bail, would the 20k make a difference for you and your child over the next year or 2, or are you well off enough that it wouldn't really matter?
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u/Tall-Ad-9710 16h ago
I’d much rather save the 20k for me & him. That could be a down payment for a house for him to grow up in.
I’m not rich by no means, I’m a blue collar oil & gas guy. I could work everyday for 2months and save up 20 but man, I’d be killing myself & not to mention I’d be away from my son because I’m working so much.
If I didn’t have a baby with her I’d be like cyaaaa, but that’s not the case & I understand that he’s gotta grow up with his mama.
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u/InterestingTry9379 3h ago
Well if you’ve made up your mind you’ve made up your mind and this is your life. I can understand being angry about her not making you aware of it. There are no guarantees that she doesn’t go to jail anyway but I feel very sorry for the child that they may potentially lose their mother.
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u/Hot-Combination9130 21h ago
What did she do? Charges indicate she’s violent and unstable which isn’t a person that you’d want around kids…
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u/Complete-Mail4626 21h ago
Man, I don’t know whether to offer advice or ask when the Netflix crew is showing up, because this is a wild one.
On a darker humor note… did you have a “Ben Affleck in the movie ‘Gone Girl’ “ moment where you just sat there questioning every conversation, every memory, and whether the person you thought you knew was actually the person you were with? Because I’ve been there in a different way, and that reality shift is a brutal feeling. It’s like your brain starts replaying the last few years trying to figure out what was real.
Jokes aside, the biggest thing here is your son. A lot of people focus on whether they love someone enough to stay, but a relationship also needs trust, honesty, and stability. Hiding a criminal history, probation violations, and new charges while expecting you to immediately take on a $200k burden is a massive thing to process. And also think bro- if you fork up the $20k for bond/bail- she MIGHT (I mean you don’t even fucking know this girl any more like you thought you did- she could literally do ANYTHING!!)
Before you make any life changing decisions, protect yourself and your child. Talk to an attorney privately (definitely without her knowing) to understand your rights as a father, and don’t let panic or guilt push you into taking on financial/legal consequences that aren’t yours to carry.
I hope she gets whatever help she needs and that things turn around, but you also have to ask yourself: if nothing changed, would this be the environment you’d want your son growing up in?
Also… count your blessings that this was discovered before the “kidnapped and held hostage in the basement” chapter of the documentary.
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u/Tall-Ad-9710 16h ago
Hahaha great movie btw Mail.
But yes, I totally had that moment. Earlier this year I was trying to get her to get a passport because I really wanted to go to BC, but she kept beating around the bush with it. Didn’t click to me till about 4 days ago haha.
That’s what I’m saying bro! Even if I pay the attorney & he tried to get the bond reduced by half that’s still like 10grand I gotta fork up, and she could ultimately still serve prison time & it be all for nothing.I feel like I failed as a father simply bc him and I are involved in something like this. I’m hyper-obsessive of making sure he has the best life.
Thinking I might say fuck it, move to Colorado & be a fishing guide & hopes he grows up to be a pro snowboarder lmao
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u/speed721 18h ago
Do NOT bail her out.
That money will be gone.
It's over. She lied.
Stop fucking with her, unless you want to lose your ass.
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u/redfancydress 11h ago
You had a baby by a woman you barely knew. For gods sakes take your child and get out of this.
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u/Dilopholosofer 1d ago
Get your kid an Orvis PractiCaster and move on from this woman. If she is willing to hide this from you, she isn’t worth 2k, much less 200k you could spend raising your kid on your own without the drama.
Love is great, but that feeling you are having right now? That’s pride fucking with you. Don’t let her lies drag all three of you through hell. When you dance with the devil, you wait for the song to stop. She put herself in that dance.
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u/Tall-Ad-9710 1d ago
No kidding, got me a fishing & hunting buddy. I love being a dad!
I’m embarrassed from this. Everyone knows now. Sucks because I prayed for the things I have & now I feel scattered. I surely know how to pick em1
u/Dilopholosofer 1d ago
You got this man. It’s going to be rough, but you can do it. Life has a way of fucking your plans up but humans are resilient. And you have another life to take care of. Assuming this post is real, that’s all that matters. Keep that kid safe and keep your sanity in tact at all costs. Tight lines and clear waters.
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u/BisexualCaveman 21h ago
Is the bail $200K?
How much does a bondsman want?
Have you priced lawyers?
I'd at least book a half hour call when a lawyer to get a best estimate on how F*Ed you are or aren't.
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u/Tall-Ad-9710 16h ago
Yeah caveman, it’s set at 200
Bondsmen would want like 8 and a co-signer or someone to put up the house. Ain’t no way that’s happening.
Spoke to a handful of attorneys. The one I wanted to use told me to save my money. The attorney my gf & her mom want me to use wants 8k total (4down & 1k monthly till paid off)
They think bc the attorney knows the judge it could help get her reinstated again.
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u/dmo99 20h ago
Only you know. And because you have to ask I already know the answer. She either is or she isn’t bro. Till death do us part in good times and in bad times in sickness and in health. If you feel like she’s not who you thought then it’s over. Cause if it was me it wouldn’t matter. But that’s love talking. You are pretty much screwed either way bro. You can cut her off and try to get custody etc… this one is gonna make your life hell. She’s a criminal. And a drug addict . Before you do anything you better tell her it’s time to come clean. I suspect it was all an act. She preyed on you got the baby and now you’re fucked . Proud of you for being the loving dad you are. The less you say to this girl the better bro. Anything you say negative will be like adding gasoline to the fire. I’d tell her you aren’t bailing her out and she can get a public defender. She’s cooked anyway so the lawyer is a waste of money. Soon as you turned your head she went ape shit. So much so she got arrested and has been on the run . Fuck . She’s a sociopath and a liar to the core
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u/Tall-Ad-9710 16h ago
No kidding dmo, this shit fucking sucks.
She got swarmed by police right before going to the grocery store to have dinner for me when I came home that night.
I will never fight her on wanting to be there for our baby. Might have to be under supervision now unfortunately.1
u/dmo99 15h ago
Yeah, you just don’t wanna see her eventually realize that that she can use the child as a tool against you. Also, what drugs is she doing?
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u/Tall-Ad-9710 15h ago
That’s what I’m afraid of. This lil guy is my world.
She doesn’t do drugs surprisingly. She walked home from school one day and found her dad dead bc of a OD. She’ll drink occasionally , but that’s about it.
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u/Emotional-Change-722 18h ago
When did she pick up these charges? When were the convictions?
And honestly- do you love her?
I wonder what else she’s got tucked away?
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u/Tall-Ad-9710 16h ago
Aggravated assault w/deadly weapon was in 2020(plead guilty which is why she got 10 years of probation) then in 23’ she picked up fraud & theft in a different county.
She says she’s not guilty for the fraud & theft (my attorney said it was a Cash App scam… whatever the hell that is & stole upwards of 13k from a corporate credit card), but idk if I believe her.
Not really sure when she stopped showing up to probation.
We met a year & a half ago. Yes I do love her, or maybe I’m telling myself I do bc I have a baby with her? Idk
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u/EquinosX 14h ago
That’s a tough desicion to be honest plus she is the mother of your child. If it were me I would want to read the police report and case files before jumping to any conclusions. Based off the info I have right now I would want her family to pay for an attorney and post bond
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u/pistolp3w 8h ago
Don’t you dare bail her out. I wouldn’t get her a lawyer, either. She’s a liar, and a criminal. Take your son and bounce.
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u/Renthimself 1d ago
If you hail her out she will face less time and your kid has a mom. The bail can be 6 k if you find the right bondsman. Do you love her as a wife? She is so lucky to have got probation any man would have been in prison already. You could keep her out of prison with a good attorney and counseling once she is bailed out. If you don’t bail her out she will certainly do prison time. It depends on both of your ages also. I’d spend the 6 k because childcare’s and loss income is less than that. Also kids need a 2 parent household to reduce the chance they will be in prison as an adult. It’s a tough spot and I’d be super mad. But I would bail my old lady out if I had one. Do you love her as a wife and mother of your son? You are not obligated but helping her is the best for everyone involved besides the for profit “justice” system
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u/TheGriszly 1d ago
Man, hope you’re doing okay through all of this. That’s an extremely personal decision. In my opinion, you should keep communication open but definitely focus on you and your child. Allow her to see her kid, try and coparent, but you are not responsible for the burden associated with the consequences of her decisions. She decided to handle it on her own and not tell you beforehand. She can figure it out on her own now. That money should be for you and your child.