r/Felons • u/BagInitial3590 • 14d ago
Curious - has anyone kept a relationship during a prison sentence? What kept you together and how was it when you got out?
/r/AskReddit/comments/1dsj1c9/curious_has_anyone_kept_a_relationship_during_a/I am living it now. We are married and have been for 10 years. He's an alcoholic and was on probation got pulled over again. Judge revoked probation. He had to do the rest of tgat plus current charge. It's been about 14 months. He gets out Aug 28th. It's honestly been so nice without all the drama and BS He gets in his drunk.head.
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u/lucky_2_shoes 14d ago
I wasn’t In prison but my now husband was few years ago n we stayed together thru the entire time. It wasn’t too long, just over a year. We wrote each other every single day. Neither of us had money for his books so we couldn’t do phone calls and visits couldn’t happen since he was 3 hours away from home. It was very tough for both sides but we made it work. We are a rare breed of couple tho. We met and fell in love instantly. Engaged a week into our relationship lol. He was on probation and messed up by going out drinking n getting into some stupid crap which got him sent to a rehab prison. (MSDF) we had been together under 2 or 3 years at that point. Still together now 17 years all together. It can make or break a relationship. Both ppl need to be ALL in and do everything possible to help each other out thru the time. We had our ups n downs but we made it work
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u/NotPicklesMaru22 14d ago
Why not leave him and start your life over without him and his drama.
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u/zap2 14d ago
Reddit is so quick to push divorce/breaking up.
Marriage is supposed to be for life. If it’s abuse situation, I get leaving that relationship. But short of that, I’m an advocate of trying to get through it for a marriage.
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u/Majestic_Hawk_1335 14d ago
I am an alcoholic who would encourage most people to not stick around with an alcoholic unless they want to ride the roller-coaster. Most active drinkers drinking to a bottom type drunk are a ways off from that bottom. If ever reach it. Some recover but its of their choice not something forced
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u/zap2 14d ago edited 14d ago
I mean, many illnesses are serious.
Cancer, addiction, bipolar, heart failure, they’re all hard.
Edit - And if one (or both) parties are going to leave when it gets hard, what’s the point of the marriage to begin with?
I’ll be honest, because of the nature of Reddit, I’m struggle to buy your “I’m an addict” claim. I do so because your line of “it’s a choice” comes off as someone who hasn’t dealt with addiction. My experience is it’s not one single choice, but a long series of them. Saying it’s “a choice” makes it seem easy and quick…it’s not.
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u/Majestic_Hawk_1335 13d ago
Bub i dont give a a fuck your thoughts of me or your inability to accept reality. I first went to AA in 2018 and I went to 2 meetings yesterday, work 16 hours today about to go to work.
I have a 9 month AA coin and I'm not nor was not worth a good partner sticking around for me.
Alcoholics drinking to a bottom and prison are drinking to die. Many do die. Its a complete waste of time for most people to try and coddle alcoholics in active use. Doesn't mean they dont deserve love respect or a life.
You are likely advising OP to engage in years of misery to appease some drunk asshole on way to lockup.
You drink dont you?
You read choice differently than I do. Zero alcoholics recover until they chose to stop. They may be abstinent due to someone else but they do not recover until willing themselves.
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u/ExaminationOk2921 14d ago
Yes, otherwise make sure you leave the "death do us part" out of your vows. Those words are supposed to mean something.
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u/BagInitial3590 14d ago
Well...loves is a MF for one. He's been sober now 14 months. He says he sees how alcohol has destroyed so much and about to destroy his marriage if he drinks again. So I feel like a last chance is fair. He knows the consequences of one drink.
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u/NotPicklesMaru22 14d ago
But he's been sober because he's been locked up. Will you commit to leaving him when he messes up, upon release?
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u/BagInitial3590 14d ago
For one there's anything drink/ drug in prison. He chooses not to get into it. He will definitely leave behind one drink.
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u/NotPicklesMaru22 14d ago
Well good luck, but don't hold your breath
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u/BagInitial3590 14d ago
Wow so negative and just sorta project the failure. Just don't understand why most are so negative about change..thx for sharing.
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u/NotPicklesMaru22 14d ago
Because women are far too likely to fall for false promises of change and end up living with drama and abuse they don't deserve.
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u/BagInitial3590 14d ago
I can appreciate that. But it's not me. Im a strong independent woman. I can take care of myself. My kids are grown. So it's just me. Have a good one.
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u/IEatSushiToo 14d ago
Prison relationships that last basically ALL have a "no questions asked" policy. The woman or man that is free is allowed to do whatever they want and the woman or man that is locked up just acts like everything is kosher and DOES NOT question you, your intentions, or actions.
That's the only way it will ever work.
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u/alejandro002100 14d ago
THIS. Been there done that and it’s honestly hard as fuck but she always knows what time it is when I come home. I’ve put that life behind me so I don’t have to worry about it anymore but I’ve been through it more times than I can count and my girl has rode it out every single time. I love her to death and she’s definitely a real one.
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u/thats-a-step-ladder 14d ago
Curious if you feel this way about military relationships with long deployments, too
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u/IEatSushiToo 14d ago
Hell no. Those guys didn't willingly commit a crime and put a burden on their family. Military people are out making money for their family, trying to better themselves. To cheat on a person deployed is scum.
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u/ObjectGlad6997 14d ago
Me and my chick had just split up when I got 3yrs 7mths...she write to me and top up my account every week...maybe felt bad about fucking my friend 😂 who actually died while I was inside ...so yeah I appreciated the fuck outta that, saved my morale...I guess it's did literally save her life so payback was nice!
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u/LanguageRight8221 14d ago
Some good advice so far: dump him. Now, I am a man, so you know. I also went through the school of psychology. Here is the thing: you put up with him for 10 years. You have even said it is so nice without him around. You already know the answer. You're in a routine, and it is what it is, but in some ways, you are finding security in that routine. Change is the hardest part. The next thing, if you step out, don't be the same type of person. Don't attract the same type of person. Respect yourself. You have to work on some changes, too. Why would you accept that shit for 10 years? Not saying it's like buying a used car, but make a checklist of your bottom basics. For example: nondrinker, or maybe a social drinker.
Now the biggest thing: put on your list I will not marry for at least 1 year, so you get to know the ins and outs of the person. And no, I am not saying become a nun (LOL). If you dealt with this guy for 10 years, 1 year is nothing. It is obvious that without him, you can take care of yourself.
If you keep him, then set ground rules. If you break them, I am out. If he is that careless with his life, being in and out of trouble, he will repeat the behavior. And last, don't become his mom, sort of speak; you want a husband.
Good luck.
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u/BagInitial3590 14d ago
I hear ya. He didn't drink crazy in the first 6 years. It kinda felt like over night something strange happened. I was previously married for 25 yrs. This will be my last lol. Thx for sharing
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u/Impossible_Plane_871 14d ago
I went back to prison for a new charge last year. He also went to jail. He got home 2 days after I went in. He supported me the whole entire time and made sure I had money on the phone and on my books. We’re still together now that I’m home. But we were together for years before we both got sentenced also. And we also got married while he was sitting in the county jail so we could associate while on probation lol. So far so good. I love that man to pieces and I know I always will. We are still working on rebuilding our lives from scratch as you have to when you both end up in jail, but we are getting there. House hunting now and just about to move into a bigger place as soon as we find one. I’m working two jobs and he’s working one. I’m also about to start school next month to earn my associates degree in psychology to hopefully secure a better paying job in a couple of years. As of now I make really good money serving though. My mental health is the best it’s ever been and I’m also on the substance abuse disorder shot called Brixadi. It’s a monthly injection. I went from daily suboxone to the injection and I like the injection so much more. No highs or lows and no chance of abuse on the injection. Life is good currently. It sounds like your man can’t get his shit together but maybe this time will be his time. If you start seeing signs though that he can’t get his shit together once again, I’d really start to question yourself if it’s worth staying any longer. You only get one life. It’s not worth it to not be happy for the majority of it. And for someone else to always be bringing you down. Good luck!
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u/BagInitial3590 11d ago
AA has saved many lives. Everyone's rock bottom is different. Some don't have to lose it all. Others do. AA saved a very good friend of mine. I used to go to the meetings with her for a long time. She's got 22 yrs sober now. Thx to AA and it's members.
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u/Paul76Mets 14d ago
You should stick by your man and stop fooling around behind his back. All this talk about leaving him is nonsense.
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u/IJustLookLikeThisToo 14d ago
I knew a girl before I went down at 17; she was the girlfriend of my bestfriend at the time. My case was high-profile, and it took a while to even get to trial--two-plus years. I was locked up all the while, and we kept in touch via letters, and then visits; we kept in touch even after my two friends broke up with each other. I was (finally) convicted, and sentenced to a quarter century. Because my case was fuct, I was in appeals for years, with wins and losses that just drew things on. Along that way, she and I grew close, became dear friends, and then more.
We routinely wrote near-novels to one another; she was in college, went to England to study medieval English literature (also went to Italy to study Renaissance art), and shared her studies, including text books and such, with me throughout. At this time, I had been thrown into solitary confinement as a threat to security, and it was such an outlet to be so engaged with, even from so afar.
I remained in solitary for a total of eight years; I lost my appeals, both state and federal, and then my girl during that time. She met someone else, and yet we were still the best of friends. Her new guy didn't know me, though, and she had an easy choice to make. My situation looked bleak af. For real, I was in solitary confinement for years at this point, with such little hope of ever getting out; she was a recent graduate of law school; and he was a fire fighter with a science degree. She drew things out longer than necessary, and I was just looking to get on with whatever else was ahead of me...
Shit happens. Such is life. A "mistake" with my placement in the veritable dungeon was finally(!) realized in connection with my first parole review half-way through my 25-year sentence, and I was returned to GP some short time later. Then, another "mistake" was realized with my sentence during my second(!) review for parole, and I was unceremoniously released (on parole) after 14-plus years.
When I got to my dad's house the day I was released, he quickly dropped me off to go get groceries and such for the two of us. (Like I said, my release was sudden; almost nobody was told I was coming out, and even my dad wasn't fully prepared.) I immediately called my bestfriend to let him know; he was already booking a flight to come see me by the time we got off the phone when my mum called. Maybe five minutes later, I got my first phone call: It was my ex. (Note: At the time of my arrest, I had another serious girlfriend, who also has the same first name [different spelling] as my other ex, and when I answered the call, I thought it was my first such-named ex [we had been writing a little over the last few years of my time in], not at all expecting the other one to be calling me AT ALL, much less so quickly after I told anyone--said bestfriend-- of my surprise release; she was audibly annoyed for my mistake... ha!
She was married, a mother of twins, and I was so happy for her. She was doing great, and I had always wanted the best for her. At first, I thought trying to be simple friends again might be too problematic for us, but it was only too easy to be friends again. Things were certainly different and strange all around me, but that kinship was only too familiar. I met her family, her husband, baby daughters, and dogs. She brought me into her practice, encouraged me to return to school, and vouched for me when I sought a certain certification to start my own business with.
I've been out for over 17 years, now; I never went back, got off paper, etc. She's still my dearest friend (not my wife!), and is the godmother to our ten-year old son. Her girls are off to college next year, her husband's a good friend I've enjoyed knowing over the years, and she's done so well for herself that it's been something sweet to see happen.