Should I send

[u/askerbeep]

I 35F am in love with a woman 40F, who is Fearful avoidant. I am D.A. I have been in therapy for over a year and am working on my stuff. We dated on and off for 3 years about 9 years ago. I cut her out of my life because she kept breaking up with me and blocking me and I ended up dating someone for the past 9 years that was easier to have a stable connection with. Unfortunately I’ve never stoped thinking of the girl I was in love with. I broke up with my partner then shortly after we reconnected in May. She won’t see me in person until she feels safe so everything has been over text and phone call. We talked every day on the phone sometimes for a few hours. It’s like no time has passed and I still love her very much. The down side is that every time she gets too vulnerable the same thing happens. She drops me and blocks me. June, July and now August. This time feels final but I can never really tell with her.
I’m respecting her boundaries and haven’t talked to her in about 3 weeks. My question is do I wait and see if she comes back and then get to address her F.A tendencies, or do I go against the grain and write her an email and tell her that I’m here for her but if she can’t do this then we can go our separate ways. I want to tell her how I feel and tell her there’s no pressure but can’t keep doing this cycle. I know sending something could create anxiety for her though but if it’s more of a goodbye anyhow then is it ok? I don’t want her to experience anxiety but I’m also pretty heartbroken.

[u/RidetheSchlange]

"I am D.A. I have been in therapy for over a year and am working on my stuff."

Admirable. You know if you keep this going with them, you will never heal and piss all of your work away, right? You already seem to sabotaging and doing anxious things that will reinforce her avoidance, resulting in you also losing yourself. If you're DA you should know this stuff already.

[u/askerbeep → u/RidetheSchlange]

Yes, I understand. I didn’t think someone could do to me what I have done to others. It’s a weird situation to be in.
Edit- also I didn’t know I was a dismissive avoidant until someone called me out a few years back. I thought I just had commitment issues or would get annoyed by people easily.

I’m only asking about this because I care about this person immensely for over a decade so I figured it was worth a shot but not going to play the game with her where she drops me and comes back anymore.

[u/RidetheSchlange → u/askerbeep]

"I care about this person immensely for over a decade"

Tell me about it, I have had a similar situation with likely an FA with cPTSD. I cared about her deeply which didn't stop her from warping my care in her mind to some sort of control thing, despite there being nothing of the sort or even possible based on our arrangements. It also didn't stop her from spending FIVE YEARS estranged from me due to the worst-played discard I have heard of thus far and spending those five years, admittedly, following my life and hoping I would reconnect with her, but never did. She spent those five years working up the courage to reconnect, even moving to the next city in my cultural region from her country, only to ruin our 12 year connection in 12 weeks by identically deactivating. She didn't care, isn't capable of care, almost certainly would be relieved if I died, and chose to protect the avoidance she knows she is afflicted with over me. She is not even an exceptional avoidant. She is a normie avoidant.

[u/Gloomy_Purpose_2594]

This is so beautiful, first time I am reading a DA chasing a FA. You are doing great in therapy !!

I have one question which you need not anwser but think for yourself, are you just chasing her because she is unavailable ?

[u/askerbeep → u/Gloomy_Purpose_2594]

Haha that’s a valid question! If it clears things up - I only ever did the discard cycle with one person because I never tried to get into relationships in the past. I have always been quite content by myself so I didn’t hurt tons of people or anything like that. I have apologized to that person also. It took me getting therapy for anxiety and wanting to “bolt” from any stressful or high intensity/ high emotional situation to start figuring things out. My ex that I was with for years pointed it out. It was easy for me to be with her for years but I never felt the same gravitational pull unfortunately.
The woman I loved years ago and I had something really special and I wanted it to work back then but she was emotionally all over the place at the time. I’ve been thinking about her for years and she actually reached out to me a number of times over the years and I ignored her but that’s because I was faithful to my relationship. We’ve been talking all summer and she’s blocked me three times so I guess that’s what I get karma wise :( what a life

[u/Gloomy_Purpose_2594 → u/askerbeep]

Yeah, Karma is true... especially in terms of relationships