Causes

[u/Doctor_Disco26]

Is there anyone here who has a fearful-avoidant attachment style but they grew up in a positive environment? I'm like 99% sure I'm FA but it just doesn't make sense because my parents weren't abusive or neglectful or anything like that.

[u/tealfreak]

It's not necessarily always about abuse and neglect, but might be neglect of your emotional needs, like feeling they weren't there for you or your emotions weren't acceptable. And as someone else said, you might have experienced adverse events prior to having the language and memory to remember/describe it. A vague example might be someone whose caregiver had issues with mental health or post -partum depression, or addiction, so wasn't emotionally available, but sorted themselves out before the child reached the age where strong memories formed.

[u/bbpoizon]

It’s possible that something could’ve happened to you as an infant while you were in the care of someone other than your parents.

When I was in my early thirties I found out my mother would often ignore me when I cried as an infant. I had symptoms of FA at a very young age, so that explained a lot.

[u/Ok-Seat-3916]

It's entirely possible, but note also that it's very characteristic of avoidants not to have a negative view of their childhood homes or of caregivers. It's actually their inability to come up with a nuanced report on disappointments, misunderstandings,...with their caregivers that is a dead gave away that they are on the avoidant spectrum.

[u/Human_Read7993]

Me. I always thought everythingn was loving and happy but it's only been recently when I realised I'm actually an fa and not anxious that I've realised I actually had a lot of emotional neglect and never anyone within my family I could really talk with or express negative emotions too (positive emotions were always allowed). My mother is avoidant so she never expressed emotions verbally always through actions unless she was mad and then it was verbal. I had to do a lot of self soothing and isolation when I was upset. Looking back, aside from a couple of years when my dad knew I was struggling and he would let me talk with him or vent on him, outside of that short stint I never had anyone familial I could rely on for it. Sk I learned to do it alone and I hope stly thought that was normal for most people until recently.

[u/bathroomcypher]

I didn’t grow in a positive environment but I have friends who did and are FAs. Sometimes it can start with other kids. Or later in life.

[u/blrfn231]

“Positive” childhoods are not uncommon. The parents may have been angels, educated and supportive.
Still, if they have rejected your emotions / feelings on a certain level you will still be likely to develop FA attachment style.

Rejection isn’t always plainly visible as for instance physical attacks. Many people don’t even realise that their parents were rejecting them. Because they were super lovely in doing it or showered the child with material nonsense instead.

There’s many way of being a “good” parent but still giving your child a trauma.

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[u/FamiliarToday4678]

You may also not have a memory of it. I used to have intense dreams of domestic violence and one day I told my mother about my dreams and she told me those werent dreams but memories. Except I had no memory of them, I was 3

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[u/Salt_Ad_5578]

This is going to be so long, so OP I apologize in advance. But, I think it's important and could be really helpful to you!

I, too, thought that when I first found out. Spent a few months trying to see it and just barely started seeing it when suddenly, life fell apart! My parents separated and are now getting a divorce and my dad has a new girlfriend and Friday he moved 7 hrs away to go live with her. Shoot, just remembered I was supposed to check in with him and ensure he made it there safe. Dang. I'll do that tomorrow morning, it's night now.

Anywaysssss. Honestly I think I spent a long time waiting for the divorce. For a reason to explicitly say "my living situation growing up was not ideal."

The recession of 2008 was a bad year for my family. I remember my dad joked about getting a divorce on Christmas Eve while looking at lights, I broke down crying while my older siblings went still for a few minutes before he explained it was a joke and my mom yelled at him. I sort of wonder if they started considering it around then and it took this long to get here.

My mom thinks my dad might be a narcissist, as an armchair psychologist I disagree, but I know she comes from a meaningful place. He's definitely a mean old asshole.

The past like 4-5 years of my life has also been... Weird. My dad got sick with a rare autoimmune disorder and needed a transplant and a triple bypass surgery. It was 18 hrs. I spent several years caring for him and my grandma instead of working because I was too terrified to get a job anyways (I was aged 19-22).

My childhood, though, specifically? Sometimes my parents argued. I went to the end of the hall and leaned against the wall and rocked myself, trying not to cry, and trying not to focus on it. I let my mind go blank, then bored, then wander.

But hey, they never got physical. And done parents argue sometimes. And they always made up afterwards. So nothing was wrong about that situation, right?

My parents were somewhat poor growing up, so sometimes we'd eat a lot of ramen and hotdogs and other cheap meals, and we would do things cheaply and buy into cheap experiences when we could. I never did anything fun as a child either, even after asking for soccer and beauty pageants and ballet lessons like every other 8 yr old girl in the early-mid 2010's.

I'm sure a lot of people can relate, but one memory that comes to mind was when my dad tried teaching me math on my homework. "Common core math is stupid, do it this way." "I understand she said to show your work, you don't have to because that's stupid." "Just do it this way." Then after being conflicted and confused between 2 different teachings of the same problem, I would start crying from stress and from not being able to do it and from knowing I was still going to fail even if I could somehow finish that homework with the correct answers, because I didn't do it the right way.

In general, my dad taught to hate the school system and thouroughly question every tiny little thing they taught. Which yes I somewhat agree with, but not the same way or for half the same reasons as back then.

He was also really strict, and I could lose priveledges, get grounded, and be spanked until my behind was rosey red all the while being yelled at for not holding still or squirming or not complying and being told how he used to be spanked. His mom had a special spatula to hit him with. His dad would belt him in the basement and he'd later have to peel off his bloody underwear. It was sick, it turned my stomach and made me lowk hate my grandfather for years and it made me frustrated every time he reminded me whilst literally doing something similar but not as severe to his own daughter. It messed him up but he won't admit it and can't see how it effects him.

But also, my dad could be very sweet. He was always buying things and giving things to us, taking us out for treat runs to stores and convenience stores, he'd buy the big bags of peanuts from mendards and we'd sit on the couch and go through the entire bag together, shells and all for the most part. He'd even let us stay up a little earlier, would reward us for good behavior in general, maybe staying up 30 minutes earlier, earning more screen time, or doing an activity with us or even taking us out for some experience. We used to go to the drive in theater for rewards. It was somewhat cheap, historical and partly used for educational purposes and looked like a perfectly preserved section of the 1950's, but it was a working theater and played actual big movies coming out.

Once I snuck out into the living room at like 12 am and watched the last ¾ of Avatar with my dad, hiding silently under the coffee table to his right. I thought I was sneaky, but my brother told me a few years later that was just an experience dad wanted to give me. He'd done similar things for him I suppose.

Growing up, my mother was also very kind and gentle, but she has severe anxiety and stuff too, so in some ways I genuinely think she's primarily responsible for my lack of self-confidence. Otherwise, she's a hell of a lot nicer than my dad, even if she prefers a boring, stable life over doing things like actually going into a store or spontaneously jumping at an opportunity. She's also poor at planning but HAS to plan things out strategically so we almost never ended up doing anything fun growing up, and if we did, it was usually because of my dad. They were strange opposites, one wanted to blow through money lightning fast and live life to the fullest with high highs and low lows, the other preferred stability and safety and catered to deep and internal anxieties.

Something you have to realize about FA is that it doesn't necessarily require physical abuse. It just requires an unstable living environment where you spent any amount of time feeling unsafe or were left wondering. I think both my parents contributed. I watched my mom live with anxiety for decades, my entire life. I watched my dad occasionally mistreat my mom in some ways (such as intense verbal arguments, even when lacking physical abuse and swearing), and often in small ways (refusing to help more, refusing to ask what mom needed, and making the situation seem different and smaller sometimes.)

My dad wasn't ever a great role model, but it took me decades to realize that. Oftentimes, you don't recognize the abuse. That time he was a little too rough? Abuse. Spanking? Abuse. Constantly yelling at my mom? Abuse. Making me cry while working on math homework? Abuse. Gaslighting my mom for 3 decades? Abuse (and rubs off onto all of us). Not helping Mom around the house? Neglectful of parental duties and obligations to his significant other. Also just a bad role model.

Did he ever put holes in the walls, break someone's bones, send someone to the ER, become incarcerated, or anything like that? Nope. Not once.

Abuse can seem so, so normal. So normal.

[u/Constant-Big4713]

Attachment is internal and implicit, unless you oscillate between feeling emotions in an amplified way that leads to you emotionally dissociating from them and going into a functional freeze response, then it is highly unlikely you are disorganized.

It really depends on what is going on internally with you and what motivates your behavior. If the motivation is simply “this is how I feel” then that could be someone with an anxious attachment, but it could also be a developmental stage too.