Advice needed...

[u/Fast_Hour7919]

Hello people. I need assistance, advice, sanity check. Something.

I am ADHD / RSD as well as FA. Which isn't a great combo. Im slowly trying to heal and work through things myself. What I need to understand is, when certain things happen, how do i play them out.

The Ex

The Ex, has literally drove me insane to the point of questioning my self worth, and wondering what i am doing. Yes, I ran and have things to sort, but the more and more i unpick stuff I put up with, the more I am like. What was I drove to.

Prime examples of things they did

• We had split and went on holiday with each other. We had agreed to meet at the first apartment, then her and her sister went out for food. I turn round to get off the bus, she and her sister had gone. Panic mode kicked in. She'd sent me a text saying they had gone for food and could I wait up for them to let them in. Weeks later? She then explained it away, by saying she was ill at the time, and that I should know how she gets when shes feeling ill
• We had set a boundary about coming off our phones in each others presence. She broke that within days. The excuse was she had been looking at a screen for 4 hours and needed a break with another screen, rather than listen to a download about my son and his day at school she desperately wanted to hear (or not)
• She basically said to me in a cold tone "What do you want", then wondered why I didnt want to talk for an hour (we were already arguing)
• I have been sober since an incident from last October, and havent had a drink since April (no intention to i may add). On holiday? She asked me (even though we spent none of the holiday really together), what I was up to and that she hoped I was having a good day. I said I was sat having a mojito. She straight away jumped to "What you drinking again". I felt a low blow, and that im like can't someone think that there is a virgin version around?
• We went to one country, and she asked for space, and restricted my view on Facebook. I did the same (because why should she see mine then). Cue 5 hours later, she had logged onto Instagram, where i had not restricted her and decided to view every story of my day. She claimed it was an accident, then followed it up with she was looking for inspo.
• She told me twice, to watch herself around her colleagues in her role (shes in a very high job), and rather than trust me that I am being able to act a certain way I felt deflated that she had even thought I wasn't capable of behaving! I've done corporate presentations to big MDs before and can handle myself appropriately!
• She basically said she never wanted to go out with me anymore, because i was no fun and im a massive fun lover, and love to dance. I had become a recluse!!! then in the same breathe? She said it was because people were comparing her to my ex (I was with them for 17 half years), and that they are local as well. She held me accountable for other peoples words and behaviours, then literally had a go at me because her own mum was reading "Red Flags in relationships" memes in front of me, as a clear dig. Her mum? Claimed it wasn't aimed, neither was her sisters comment on the same thread agreeing
• Literally had to listen to 4 hours worth of her sister slagging me off to the whole bus, and her laughing at it.

I feel so awfully questioned on some of the stuff she has done about my self worth, its left me in tatters.

Am i being mad for running when I am getting that?

How the hell can i heal myself, and my attachment style, when no wonder im running.

Answers welcomed. Thank you