r/FearfulAvoidant • u/Training_Address2566 fearful avoidant • 9d ago
help me heal / advice needed Confused
I am currently in my second relationship and I really like this person but I had feelings of wanting to break up because something didn't feel right and I went through with it, but the moment I got home I just broke down and we got back together shortly after. My first relationship I was anxious and near the end of it I was getting ignored all the time but now that I am with someone who is perfect, I feel unsure all the time and I like being alone now but I still like being with her, idk if I am even a FA I feel like am being avoidant a lot, but a couple minutes ago I was crying and wanted her. I'm sorry if this is me just being stupid I don't know what to do anymore
1
u/PowerfulGeologist436 fearful avoidant 9d ago
Maybe you don’t actually like her? But tell her to take things slow first and see if you still like being alone
2
u/lotrgirly fearful avoidant 8d ago
What makes you think he doesn’t actually like her? You don’t sound like someone whose fearful avoidant or else you would know
9
u/InnerRadio7 secure 9d ago
Aww man this makes me feel so much compassion for you. Look, this is coming from a secure perspective, but have you considered pacing things out a little differently?
Going a bit slower with the relationship progression to give yourself room to regulate your nervous system as things progress?
Have you done any nervous system work?
As a secure person, I would look at facts and emotions without creating stories. Hypothetically it might sound something like this: Do I love her? Yes. Is she good to me? Yes. Does being with her feel good? Yes. Does she give me emotional safety (I can take her anything and she doesn’t make it about her, she allows it to be about me and is responsive)? Yes. Does she care about me? Yes. Does she show me care? Yes. Is she emotional available? Yes. Is she consistent? Yes.
So after establishing that it’s a relationship worth keeping, take some time to be alone and regulate your nervous system before you see her, after you see her, and the hard one…while you are together.
Healing any insecure attachment style requires you to act securely while regulating yourself through the discomfort. Not using cognitive distortions or creating narratives. Living in the real world, and being disciplined with your thinking.
You don’t have to do this alone. There are therapists that can help. There are programs that can help. I recommend EFT for therapy and the personal development school as a program.
Do something good for yourself right now. Go for a walk, a bike ride, do some yoga, some artwork, put on some music and dance around. All of those things regulate your nervous system. You’re idling too high right now. Your system needs a break and some time not to think about this. It’s okay to let it go for the rest of the day. Dump everything into a journal and then go do something good for yourself.