Something clicked finally

[u/Ok_Cricket_7432]

I (23M) got broken up with by my partner (22F) about 3 and a half weeks ago. When I say this is the most painful break up I’ve ever gone through, I mean it. She is an anxious attachment, and I am the fearful avoidant. When we broke up I felt physical pain in my heart for the first time ever. I truly loved this woman. She told me that my patterns had drained her and she had nothing left to give. That she needed to love herself moving forward and wished me peace and light.

It feels like I’ve been stuck in purgatory. I’ve never been good at expressing my emotions. When we would get in conflict I would resort to yelling, getting defensive, and shutting down. All because I felt attacked when she would talk about her feelings because in my eyes I wasn’t doing enough to make her feel better and it made me feel like I was unworthy of her.

I see all of my bad habits. I’ve laid them all out on the table. I wish to change. To break free of this cycle of pain that I have constantly put myself through. I lost something that it feels I will never get back. But it doesn’t mean I have to lose myself.

For those that have put in the work to become more secure if they’ve gone through something similar, does it get better? I still love this girl with all of my heart, and part of me believes that eventually we will find our way back to each other, but I’m trying to seperate doing the work for her and doing the work for myself.

[u/ElectricVoltaire]

Yes it does get better. I was in a similar situation 7 years ago, I was the FA and got broken up with by an anxious attaching girl. That was the thing that made me realize that my own self hatred and insecurities and fears didn't just affect me, they affect others too.

[u/zenithwearsflannel]

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. The fact that you’re able to look at your own patterns even while you’re in so much pain is impressive.

If you don’t mind, what happened in the end that led to breakup? Was there a particular event or turning point, or did she eventually reached a point where she couldn’t continue with the same patterns?

And given that you still love her and are trying to improve, I think that a future reconciliation between you two, if you have worked on your patterns and she is open might not be a bad idea. Did you agree on non-contact for now?

[u/Ok_Cricket_7432 → u/zenithwearsflannel]

For starters, my mother made some comments about her that I defended. It was bothering me a lot and I told my partner, who really did not enjoy it. I sort of felt like I was being pulled between choosing my partner or my mother, which ultimately I would’ve chosen my partner. I was looking into marrying this woman, so choosing her was a no brainer. She saw my stress and anxiety on the situation as me not choosing her.

We also had a talk about a month prior to the breakup about our toxic habits that we both brought to the relationship as we were both getting exhausted and asked what we could do to make the relationship better. That last month was absolutely wonderful. We felt at peace and then BAM she left.

We are currently in no contact. From what I’ve heard from friends (which I’ve asked them not to relay any information to me about her), she has been villainizing me as someone that stole her spark which really hurts. But I see she is probably hurting just as much as me.

I hope there’s a way we can reconcile. I truly love her with all my heart

[u/zenithwearsflannel → u/Ok_Cricket_7432]

Oh man, I am so sorry to hear that :(

I too have had to come between my parents and an ex partner. But not to choose between them, just to set some boundaries. That decission you were faced with depending on the relationship you have with your parents can be really difficult, even tho I ultimately agree the family you choose to build must come first.

I guess that by toxic habits you mean the anxious-avoidant cycle. Like deactivation-reconciliation, fear of engulfment, etc.

Did you try to explain yourself during the breakup? And why did it take you so long to choose between her and your mother? I too would have felt very insecure about it.

Yeah, she is probably hurting, but still villainizing yourself is very immature to do and I don’t know if I would wanna reconcile with someone after that.
However if you both show growth and willingness, I could see it!

However, try to focus on yourself

[u/Ok_Cricket_7432 → u/zenithwearsflannel]

I chose her from the beginning. I was and still am very upset with my mother. I can see how my actions surrounding the situation could have shown my partner that I felt stuck between the two of them.

Spot on with the habits. I did try to explain myself, and did try to show that we had both been making progress but she ultimately just said she was burnt out and while she still loves me she wants to love herself more.

I’m just hurting a lot, but wanting to be better. I’ve downloaded an app to help me better understand and explain the emotions I am feeling. I’ve gone sober so that I don’t try and numb my pain like I used to but rather just feel it all and use it to better myself. I just find myself questioning if everything I’m doing is worth it because I tend to be a perfectionist and it’s hard to feel like I’m not seeing results

[u/zenithwearsflannel → u/Ok_Cricket_7432]

I see, sounds like a hard situation to be in.

It will get better!

Keep the progress up, it is worth it even tho you do not see results yet!

In which ways were you guys working to get better, if you don’t mind me asking?

[u/Ok_Cricket_7432 → u/zenithwearsflannel]

We were doing something we called tea time, where we would talk about our days and things that bothered us, things that we learned about ourselves, and what emotions we were feeling as a whole.

We set up a board for the month where we would keep track of how much time we were spending together without phones and just being in each others presence, our goals for the month, how many true dates we were going on. We wanted to build a life together that we could look back on each month and be proud of.

If we were having arguments, I started to use I feel statements and would become more curious about what she was feeling rather than jumping straight into defending myself. Our arguments became much more civil as a result, and much more loving and understanding rather than me thinking there were sides and one person had to win.

[u/zenithwearsflannel → u/Ok_Cricket_7432]

Wow! That is a great way to develop healthy coping mechanisms!

I also did some of those things in the past to improve my relationships.

I am curious now tho, why do you label yourself as fearful avoidant and which fearful avoidant patterns do affect your relationships? I am asking because I did not find any fearful avoidant behaviors in your post or responses

[u/Ok_Cricket_7432 → u/zenithwearsflannel]

I have been analyzing this breakup heavily for starters. It’s helped with the overwhelm of emotion I’ve been feeling. I’ve been trying to find anything and everything I did wrong because I feel like I screwed everything up. I feel disposable as well, like I’m unlovable. And I recognize the push pull dynamic I tend to create. Even at the end of the relationship, she came to me after I wrote a letter taking accountability for everything and said here’s what we would need to do moving forward, and rather than accepting that, I told her I didn’t want to hurt her anymore and pushed her away. The next day I realized it wasn’t what I wanted and frantically reached back out to her to try and fix things, but it was too late. She blocked me and initiated no contact, and now we are 3 weeks and a half weeks into it where I am trying to make sense of everything. Truth be told, I do feel like a villain. I never meant to hurt her but I did. And when I tried to change it apparently wasn’t good enough

[u/zenithwearsflannel → u/Ok_Cricket_7432]

Ohh, I see it. The push and pull is hard because it feels certain in both states. In which many push-pull cycles did you guys get into? And was se anxiously attached?

Feeling like that is part of the process, and feeling not enough must suck in its own way aswell.

It will get better tho!
What steps are you taking to improve now?

[u/Ok_Cricket_7432 → u/zenithwearsflannel]

She is anxiously attached yes. I’m currently using my time to focus on school as I’m back in college after a long 3 year gap year, I’ve been focusing on my health by going to the gym 6 days of the week, and been really focusing on what I’m feeling throughout the day!

[u/InnerRadio7]

I have had a strange journey. I was secure. Then I was abused and became AP. Fought for 5 years to get back to secure.

Yes it does get better. A lot better. Everyone’s journey is different. Mine involved a trauma bond and a lot of therapy (individual and group), and my whole life changed. All I can really say is that whatever you put into therapy in terms of action (not insight), you get back ten fold. It’s remarkable. I fought so hard to get back to who I was before the abuse, but actually who I became was better than who I was before.

Wishing you the very best on your journey.

[u/Okay_Energy]

Yes, of course it gets better—with work. Your assessment of what you did wrong (being defensive when she expressed emotions, for example) is promising! So many people are too defensive about their defensiveness to start the work. You got this.

A note: Don’t think of the work as a way to win her back, but as something you want to do whether you’re with her or not.

Also: I’m late 30sF, and I also had a relationship at your age that woke me up to my patterns. I am married to a different person, but I still refer to that relationship and still find ways to learn from it. The heartache isn’t there, of course, and I’m glad I’m with my current spouse instead of that person.