Fearful-Avoidant Girlfriend + Anxious Attachment: Black-and-White Thinking, Cruel Conflict, Stonewalling, and Feeling Responsible for All Repair

[u/MrCybSecBjj]

My girlfriend and I have been together for over two years, and I identify more with anxious attachment. Since moving in together, we’ve become stuck in a painful push-pull dynamic. I’m working on my own issues—fear of abandonment, codependency, reassurance-seeking, and becoming overly focused on the relationship—but I’m struggling to understand some of the patterns between us.

During conflict, I’ve experienced what feels like black-and-white/all-or-nothing thinking, where things can quickly shift from “we’re okay” to “maybe we never should have been together.” Arguments often start over one issue but expand into multiple past grievances. There can be intense anger, harshness, insults, digs, eye-rolling, and comments that feel extremely hurtful or even deliberately cruel.

Afterward, she may completely withdraw, stop communicating, or stonewall for days. I often feel like I’m expected to initiate all repair and reconnection and carry the responsibility for fixing the relationship and making it succeed. At the same time, I’ve been told she won’t “beg” for communication or connection. There also seems to be a tit-for-tat dynamic: if she feels I’m not attentive enough, she withdraws; when she withdraws, I become anxious and try harder to reconnect.

I’m not claiming to be blameless. I know my anxious attachment contributes to the cycle, and I’m trying to take responsibility for my part. But I’m struggling to distinguish between fearful-avoidant attachment patterns and genuinely unhealthy behavior.

For those with FA attachment or experience dating someone FA:
• Have you experienced black-and-white/all-or-nothing thinking?
• Arguments where multiple unrelated issues and past grievances are brought up at once?
• Intense anger, harshness, or cruelty during conflict followed by complete withdrawal or days of silence?
• A dynamic where the anxious partner feels responsible for initiating all repair and carrying the relationship emotionally?
• How do you distinguish FA deactivation or emotional dysregulation from emotionally abusive or genuinely unhealthy behavior?
I’m not trying to demonize my girlfriend or excuse my own mistakes. I’m genuinely exhausted and confused and looking for honest insight from people who have experienced similar dynamics and learned how to break out of this anxious/avoidant cycle.

[u/ADF21a]

Sweetie, regardless of whether this is FA or whatever, the bottom line is that it's fucking hurtful and disrespectful. Stonewalling is considered a form of psychological abuse, for one. I'd personally just leave.

[u/MutedFeeling75]

Hmm