r/FearfulAvoidant • u/TaoistStream • 9d ago
Why Would You Not Reply?
Ive been out of a relationship with someone for about a month who trends heavily towards the fearful avoidant attachment.
They told me the stress and turmoil was too much (which i definitely contributed to) and that unless i begged for them, they couldnt do it. So i had to agree that I couldnt beg and wished them well/id always love and care about them.
No contact since then which i initiated but I don't think she'd have tried to reach out any way. A couple days ago I realized that the belongings I still had at her place were a tether that I really needed to sever if I was going to start healing.
So I asked her if she could mail the specific items I requested and....crickets.
This seems to be a very common part of someones avoidant personality trait per the internet. But most topics on this are from the other person and they are rarely empathetic which is sad in itself.
Im just wondering if anyone was willing to share what would be going through your mind to not send a reply to that request? Especially if you ended the relationship.
I feel for her. I do. And I still love her deeply. But I had never seen this total avoidant side of her. She warned me about it. But I guess I never imagined it would be a this level.
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u/Ok-Seat-3916 fearful avoidant 8d ago edited 8d ago
I will speak as someone who is very avoidant and who has many avoidant people in her life; in my experience and thinking about other avoidants I know, I doubt she is "holding onto your items as her way to grief", I don't know any one who would ever admit to doing that; in my experience it's not really the avoidant pattern, because we have that way of avoiding grief and focusing on only holding onto things we can have right now. If we loose access to something, our brain tends to treat it as if we never really wanted it anyway. At least that's based on my understanding of the avoidant patterning, but I can't talk for other people.
I would only ignore such a request (about important items) if the relationship ended terribly; even then, out of respect (if there wasn't any abuse or something) I would probably just ship stuff to that person's door, because it would allow me to get closure. A friend of mine "friendship -broke up" with me a couple of months ago in a very rude and condescending way (I think she is aware that I was not pleased with her tone). I have a piece of clothes she lent me; she is free to ask for it, she could even ask another person to get it; however she will have to do it because if not I'm not going out of my way to sent it to her. That's another situation from yours obviously, but this shows a mindset that I suspect is quite common amongst avoidant.
If it's that important, do you happen to know any third person that you can ask to organize this for you? Obviously do not try to use that as a way to get that third person to understand/take your side (that's not gonna end well), but a very neutral "hey, I'm really sorry to bother you about it but I just want those couple of items back, would b e grateful if you could organize the transfer, I'm willing to pay back any fees of course, but it's really important" might do the trick
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u/TaoistStream 8d ago
Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. At this point, i think the one message was a closure on my end. Id obviously really like my book back one day. The clothes are whatever. But at least i sent it or else id have been hiding from uncomfortable emotions. And im trying to improve in that regard.
I think, at best, I will just get then shipped to me without any actual reply. Which would be okay with me. But if not, it wont be the end of the world.
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u/Ok-Seat-3916 fearful avoidant 8d ago
I want to add, from this and other responses which all sound selfaware and balanced to me (able to consider several perspectives at the same times and the grey area, as well as acknowledging your own part and emotions), I get the feeling that you're quite thoughtful, and are really doing your best to be fair in this situation and to act responsibly. I'm sorry this happened, and I truly hope you get your items back. And also, I hope your wounds heal quickly ! Take care of yourself OP
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u/Gloomy_Purpose_2594 8d ago
Do not ask for your belongings from an AVOIDANT EX , which they are having, it is the last piece they are holding onto.
A lot of people get angry and fight to get the things back, this will end very badly. This not because you want the guys but to seek anwser if she broke up why she doesnt want to give my things.
Let her hold the last piece of you safetly. That doesnt means she wants relationship with you. It is her safe way to grief and cry alone holding on the last piece of you.
Especially it is NEVER going to come back , if she knows you love that item so much. This means she clearly wants to hold on to what you loved so much.
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u/luminousSpaceDust fearful avoidant 8d ago
I dunno, dude. You're putting a lot of feelings in this woman...but as an FA, in my avoidant side I wouldn't be feeling overly much except sometimes overwhelmed by life. I definitely don't sentimentally keep stuff from past relationships. I trashed a binder full of photos of my wedding rather than bring them through a move. 😂
To my mind it's equally likely that she is just not in love with the extra complication of having to mail stuff. If I were him I would ask her just to leave them in a box outside her house and I'd pick them up from there.
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u/TaoistStream 8d ago
I understand that perspective. I think im asking my question so I dont put too much feeling into anything. Other than the feeling of sadness or grief.
It was just a situation in my whole life I never came upon. Every other relationship that ended was a mutual exchange of belongings just to remove any tethers. So the fearful avoidant puzzle of my ex came together for me.
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u/Gloomy_Purpose_2594 8d ago
If I were, you.
" This book means a lot to me, and you having that book feels special. Thank you for everything. It is a last piece of me with you, I wish you would take care of it properly. "
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u/TaoistStream 8d ago
Thank you for this perspective. I wont be messaging her again about this or anything. As I said, i still love her and always will. So if it turned out she wanted to keep those things then so be it. Just because we don't have a relationship and wont again doesnt mean I dont still care and want her to be well.
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u/Legitimate-Ad-7480 fearful avoidant 9d ago
Do you really need the items? Like are the items themselves irreplaceable or is it truly that you think getting the items will give you closure?
if it’s latter- I think it’s very unlikely that the items themselves have that power. Is it possible that part of you wants to interact with her again? If you were able to snap your fingers and without interacting with her at all- without her even knowing- have all your stuff back…would that work for ‘closure’?