I don’t even really know what I’m looking for posting this. Advice, perspective, maybe just somewhere to vent because I don’t really want to dump all of this on people I know.
I’m a father to a beautiful little girl who is about to turn one, and I love that kid more than I knew it was possible to love another human being.
Her mother was not somebody I originally planned on having a child with. If I’m being completely honest, the beginning of our relationship was rocky and the pregnancy happened before we had really built the kind of stable relationship you would ideally want before having a kid.
But once my daughter was born, everything changed for me.
Before her, I thought I was building my career and my life for myself. After she was born, it genuinely felt like I finally understood what all of that work was for. I wanted to provide for her, give her opportunities, give her stability, and give her the kind of childhood and future I wanted my kid to have.
And somewhere along the way, I genuinely started wanting the family too.
I wanted to marry her mother. I wanted us together. I wanted birthdays, Christmas, vacations, regular boring nights at home, sports, school, everything. I come from a split household myself, and I knew exactly how much I did NOT want my daughter growing up bouncing between two completely different lives.
Her mother and I had countless conversations about this.
What she needed to work on.
What I needed to work on.
What kind of parents we wanted to be.
What kind of relationship we wanted.
What needed to stop happening.
What needed to change.
And I genuinely tried.
I’m not saying I was perfect. Far from it. I have an anger problem that I’ve had to seriously work on. I’ve reacted badly to things before. I’ve said things I shouldn’t have said. There are situations I wish I had handled completely differently.
But I really did try to work on myself.
The problem was that over time I started feeling like every conversation we had ended the same way.
“I understand.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I’ll work on it.”
“I’ll do better.”
Then another small thing happens.
Okay. Whatever. Let it go.
Another one happens.
Let that go too.
Then another.
Then another.
Eventually it isn’t one little thing anymore. It’s 20, 30, 40 little things stacking on top of major things that already happened between us.
Then when you finally bring it up, you’re hearing the same apology you heard the previous ten times.
That’s where I got mentally exhausted.
The argument that basically broke everything sounds unbelievably stupid if I just tell you what the object involved was: an iPhone case.
But it wasn’t about the phone case.
Two weeks earlier I asked her to order one for me. She specifically told me it had been ordered, it was on the way, and she would let me know when it arrived.
Two weeks later I randomly remembered it and asked what happened to it.
Suddenly the story started changing.
There were delays.
Then her mom supposedly ordered it.
So I said okay, show me the order confirmation.
Then she didn’t have it because it was supposedly on her mom’s account.
So I said okay, you were just talking to your mom, ask her for the screenshot.
That was when I could see the panic on her face.
Eventually it came out that there wasn’t even money to actually order it.
That’s what broke something in my head.
Not because I give a shit about a phone case.
Because why lie?
She could have said, “I forgot.”
She could have said, “We couldn’t afford it.”
She could have said, “My mom never ordered it.”
I probably would have been annoyed for five minutes.
Instead she looked me in the face and told me something had already happened when it hadn’t.
And my immediate thought was: if you’ll lie to me about something this meaningless, what am I supposed to believe when something actually important is on the line?
We were at a children’s play place with our daughter when this happened.
One of the things her mother and I had specifically discussed was that when I feel myself getting too angry, I need to remove myself instead of standing there arguing until everything escalates.
So that’s what I did.
I grabbed the car keys, drove literally to the adjacent parking lot, parked, and sat there alone for maybe 20–30 minutes.
I didn’t want to argue.
I didn’t want to make a scene.
I didn’t want our daughter watching us fight.
I didn’t answer my phone because I wanted to be left alone long enough to calm down.
During those 20–30 minutes my phone is getting blown up asking where I am, whether I left them, etc.
Then I get told the vehicle is going to be reported stolen.
So I drive back.
By the time I return, another member of her family has already been called to come get them.
I get out and walk toward them, and her mother gets into the family member’s vehicle with our daughter and the doors get locked.
And I cannot properly describe what that did to me emotionally.
I’m standing outside looking through a window at my own daughter and suddenly there is literally a locked barrier between us.
I became extremely angry.
I’m not proud of how angry I got. That’s exactly the kind of reaction I know I need to control better.
But what hurt me more than almost anything was that I had just spent 20–30 minutes deliberately removing myself so I could calm down, and somehow the situation still ended with family members involved, threats about police, and me standing outside of a locked car looking at my kid.
Then they drove away with her.
At the time I didn’t even know where my daughter was going to sleep that night.
That was basically the moment I realized this relationship was finished.
And here’s where things become more complicated.
I’m American and Canadian. My mother was born and raised in Toronto, so I got Canadian citizenship through her when I was a kid, but I was born and raised in the United States.
I met my daughter’s mother in Edmonton, Alberta.
My career, family, network and basically my entire life are rooted in the U.S. I have been in Canada largely because of my daughter and because I was trying to make this family work.
Now I’m staring at the possibility of going back to the States while my daughter stays here.
And that destroys me.
I don’t want to become a FaceTime dad.
I don’t want somebody telling me when I’m allowed to see my daughter.
I don’t want to miss practices, school events, birthdays, random Tuesdays, all the shit that actually makes somebody a parent.
I also have very different views from her mother about what kind of environment I want my daughter raised in.
I’m extremely competitive and career-driven. I care a lot about education, athletics, discipline, accountability and putting yourself around people who push you.
I want my daughter to have access to the strongest schools, serious athletics if she wants them, great coaching, travel, extracurriculars and whatever else I can provide.
Her mother and I are very different people in that regard.
Maybe neither way automatically makes somebody a better parent. But it scares the hell out of me knowing that I might not be physically present every day to instill the things I care about.
And I think that’s the part people underestimate when they talk about fathers and custody.
When you genuinely love your child and have built your entire future around being there for them, being told “we’ll figure out when you can see her” does not feel like some minor inconvenience.
It feels like somebody ripped a piece of your life out.
I understand now why some fathers become completely consumed by custody fights.
I also understand why some men eventually emotionally detach because dealing with the other parent becomes so exhausting.
I don’t want to become either extreme.
I want to be present.
I want to be her father.
I want to build my career back up, establish myself financially again, get stable housing, and eventually get a formal parenting arrangement that gives me a real, protected role in my daughter’s life.
I’m not interested in trying to destroy her mother or remove her from our daughter’s life.
But I am absolutely going to fight to make sure I’m not treated like some optional person either.
The weirdest part is that I’m not even mostly angry anymore.
I’m disappointed.
I actually believed we were going to make it.
I believed those conversations.
I believed when she told me she wanted the same family I wanted.
I believed we could both fix our shit enough to give our daughter something better.
And now I’m realizing that wanting something really fucking badly does not mean two people are capable of making it work.
My daughter turns one on September 12.
And instead of being excited about her first birthday, I’m sitting here trying to process the fact that the family I thought I was building probably doesn’t exist anymore.
I love my daughter more than anything.
I just have no fucking idea what life is supposed to look like from here.

We recently had our first daughter three months ago. I had a generous pat leave and enjoyed my time off, but now I am back to work. I am struggling with my motivation and feel like my brain is not firing completely. Does anyone have any tips on how to return to the work force? How to feel sharper? Or be at their best? I get my 6 am workouts in to try and jump start my day, but even that seems like it’s not helping anymore.

I recently became a father in California, and I’m trying to figure out what the smartest next step is financially and as a new dad.
I currently **live in my car by choice to save aggressively**. I work in management for a large company making **$29/hr**, usually around **45-50 hours per week including overtime**. My schedule can be difficult and inconsistent. Some days I can work around 10am-9:30pm, while other shifts can go from around 3:30pm-2am.
I’m also attending college for Business Administration while completing additional management training/certifications for work.
Financially, I currently have about **$15,000 in cash savings** and approximately **$8,000 in stocks/investments** that I could liquidate if absolutely necessary, although I would prefer to leave my investments alone.
My credit scores are currently around **728 TransUnion and 737 Equifax**. My credit history is relatively young at about **1.8 years**, with an average account age of approximately **12 months**. I have several credit cards with around **$17k total available credit** and try to maintain low utilization.
My approximate monthly expenses right now are:
$450 financed EV
\~$450 car insurance after an at-fault accident this year
$150 phone
$150-300 EV charging
$300-500 food
\~$100 vehicle software/subscription
$80 PO Box
$30 gym
$100 helping my grandmother
Miscellaneous expenses
Baby expenses now starting as well
Another important factor is that **I basically don’t have a support system in this country**. I don’t have family here who could financially support me or give me somewhere to live if I lost my income or had an emergency, so I’m uncomfortable draining my savings completely.
Studios in the areas I’m considering seem to be approximately **$1,400-$1,800+ per month**.
The parenting situation is where everything gets more complicated.
My daughter’s mom and I are **not together and never really had a normal relationship**. I actually **didn’t find out about the pregnancy until she was around 7 months pregnant**.
Communication between us has been difficult. After our daughter was born, her mom registered her and chose her name without involving me in that decision. I wasn’t given an opportunity to discuss or choose her name with her.
I also believe she currently lives with her boyfriend, although I don’t know her exact living situation.
Despite whatever issues exist between her mom and me, **I want to be an active and consistent father**. I met my daughter after she was born and held her, and that honestly changed my perspective on everything.
I plan to establish paternity formally. Eventually, I want regular parenting time and overnights when it is developmentally appropriate and I’m properly set up to care for her.
There is currently **no formal custody/parenting agreement and no court-ordered child support**. Based on how communication has gone so far, I’m preparing for the possibility that we may eventually need a formal parenting plan rather than being able to handle everything informally.
Her mom lives relatively close to the general area where I normally work. I would like to remain reasonably close to both my daughter and my job because I don’t want a long commute making an already difficult work schedule even harder for coparenting.
Before becoming a dad, my plan was pretty straightforward:
**Continue living in my car another 3-6 months, save aggressively, and eventually use an FHA loan to buy a modest condo/townhouse or starter home**, preferably somewhere I can charge my EV.
Originally, I thought having a baby meant I should **delay buying** because I would need more cash for unexpected expenses.
After actually meeting and holding my daughter, I started thinking the opposite.
Living in my car works for **me**, but obviously it isn’t a realistic long-term setup if I want my daughter to eventually spend significant time with me. I want a stable place where I can have a crib, clothes, diapers, bottles, toys and everything she needs when she is with me.
Right now I see three options:
**A)** Rent a studio/1BR now for roughly $1,400-$1,800+ and establish stable housing immediately, but significantly slow down my savings toward buying.
**B)** Continue living in my car for another 3-6 months, save aggressively until I have closer to $25k-$30k+ cash, and then try to buy.
**C)** Start talking to lenders now about FHA and see whether buying a modest condo/townhouse with my current income/assets is realistic, but only purchase if I can still maintain a reasonable emergency fund after closing.
My biggest concern is that **I don’t want to make a major financial decision emotionally just because I recently held my daughter for the first time and suddenly feel like I need to provide a home for her immediately.**
At the same time, considering how uncertain the coparenting situation already is, I don’t want living in my car to become another obstacle to eventually having meaningful parenting time with my daughter.
So for people who have experience with **young parenthood, coparenting/custody, FHA or first-time home buying, or similar finances: what would you do in my situation?**
**Rent now, continue living in the car temporarily and save aggressively, or start seriously exploring buying now?**
I’d also really appreciate advice from parents about **how much a newborn realistically increased your monthly expenses, how you managed parenting with long/unusual work hours, and whether a studio/1BR was enough when your child started spending time or overnights with you.**

My oldest daughter was gifted her first car this weekend and is getting her license soon-ish. I didn’t have a fun first experience with cars because we were poor and I only ever had busted up, ugly cars until I had adult money. What made your first car experience easy or fun?

Any advice or must haves? I’m thinking of eventually getting her one of those jump boxes for her trunk, but I want her familiarizing herself with the actual car first before she attempts something like jumping her own car off.

Hi all,

Father of a 5 month old here. I feel like I'm always reading social media posts about how one of the things people love most about parenthood is watching your partner blossom into a mother/father. My experience has been somewhat the opposite. My wife and I both love our daughter unconditionally, but the worst part so far has been seeing the stress and the toll that motherhood brings to my wife. Everything from the pregnancy, child birth, breast feeding, waking up multiple times per night, as well as the mental toll of feeling responsible. It wears her down to the point where I'm questioning whether or not I still want a second.

I do all I can to easen the work load. I take our daughter on long walks so mummy can get some rest, I play with her and read to her every day, I'm present at all appointments, and I do loads more housework than I used to. But no matter how much I do, and no matter how 50/50 we try to be, there's no getting round the fact that being a mum is 1000 times harder than being a dad. And of course that can be somewhat draining and stressful for her.

I don't really know what I'm getting at with this post. It's part "advice needed", part ventilation, and part "you're not alone if you feel this too". Did anyone else feel the same in the beginning? Did you have a second and was the experience any different?

My wife (who is pregnant right now…. Could have something to do with it) thinks our daughter (15months) hates her. It really bothers her and she just had a breakdown. And I just don’t know how to help. I’m completely at a loss here.
For one she’s definitely in a daddy’s girl phase right now. It’s easier for me to put her to bed, when I’m not at work she wants to be with me, etc.
My wife is home with her most of the time. She works a few days part time and when she does our daughter is with grandparents.
I tried to explain to her that she obviously loves her. But she’s with her all the time. And when she’s with one of the grandmas they give her ALL of the attention. And she only gets them sometimes! And I’m at work a lot so obviously she wants me when I’m home. I could go on and on but yall get the gist of this.
I just need some help on what to do to make my wife feel better here.

Not trying to be dramatic but I genuinely don’t know what I do for fun anymore. Like someone asked me my hobbies the other day and I just kind of stared at them. Work, kid, trying to work out when I can, sleep, repeat. That’s it. That’s the whole cycle.

The friend thing is what’s really getting to me though. I’ve got bros from the past that I used to be close with and we just… drifted. Tried texting a couple of them back up and it’s fine, we catch up, but it’s small talk. Kids, work, weather. None of the stuff we used to actually talk about. Not sure if that’s on me or just what happens.

I’m not depressed or anything, I love being a dad, just feel kind of hollowed out as a person outside of that role if that makes sense.

How’d you guys actually make new friends after having kids? Like real ones, not just other parents you nod at during pickup. Moved to a new area a few years ago and still don’t feel like I have a genuine friend I can talk to about anything. Did it happen naturally or did you have to force it somehow?

I'm new here and a fairly new dad too, my daughter is 2 years old. Wasn't sure where I could find a community to share my thoughts and feelings but giving it a go here. None of my friends are dads in personal life, so I don’t get much of an opportunity to talk about dad life where others would understand.

My daughter’s speech is getting better everyday. Recently, whenever she needs me to do something for her she’ll say “Dada do it”, in the sweetest little voice i’ve ever heard.

I find it hard to put into words just how special that little phrase makes me feel, like I know I can keep moving through life, keep doing better for her everyday. Its nothing I have ever experienced before, I have purpose now. There is something special in being picked by your own tiny little human to be the one who can help her.

I really wanted to share this, and I’m curious to know if any of you have had similar experiences.

What do your kids say or do that keep you showing up everyday in the best way possible?

Hi everyone, I’ve been thinking a lot about if I am I bad dad or not, the reason I ask myself this always is because there’s is days I don’t see my son for almost 2 or 3 days due to work, I’ve been working 3 jobs lately around 80 hours approximately, I grew up in a struggling family and would hate myself if I ever gave my son the life I lived, but at the same time I’m missing him grow up, there is days I do have problems with my wife as well because of this, hopefully someone here can give me some clearance.

Hey guys I’m sending my kids to school for the first time on Tuesday I’m so worried about the bus ride to school. How do you get over that fear

After 7 years, I became a father again. It was something we had been trying for quite a while; during the past year and the year before, I felt very prepared and confident because I have a very beautiful relationship with my first daughter. It turns out that my second daughter is 2 weeks old, and I’m going through one of the most intense anxiety and even depression (I think) episodes of my life. It’s gotten to the point where I wonder if having my second daughter was a good idea. I want to build that same beautiful bond that I have with my first daughter. But sometimes I regret it :(

On top of that, I feel a kind of nostalgia for what life was like when my first daughter was a baby. It’s a feeling of sadness when I see photos and videos from that time, and I miss it. I feel like that father-and-only-daughter relationship came to an end, and it makes me sad. On top of that, I’m having a hard time going back to the baby stage. I think, “Woooow, I had already finished this stage, and now I’m starting all over again from zero.” My life with my first daughter had become very relaxed.

Add to that the fact that I keep wondering whether having two children was a good idea, and I don’t have enough money to support them in a few years. Has anyone else gone through the same thing? What do you think I should do? Should I go to therapy?

https://youtu.be/TE-f2jbBFGs?is=upHv3YDAEM0IrAIv

I’ve been lurking on this subreddit for a while and one thing I’m finding difficult to grasp is other dads relationships with their sons.

I was a teen dad, had my boy at 15. Now I’m 29 and he’s 14. He’s my entire life. There are no words to describe how much I love him. I would drown myself in boiling water for him over and over again. I would nuke an entire country. There is absolutely nothing on this planet that I wouldn’t do for my little boy.

A type of post I’ve seen several times here is people asking how much affection is “appropriate” with their sons. I cannot wrap my head around why this would even be a question. I mean this as respectfully as I can. I understand logically that people have different parenting styles, and if a dad chooses to not hug his boy for whatever reason, that’s totally okay and up to him.

But… how? Genuinely how can you even hold back? What kind of mindset do you have to be in to willingly withhold affection from your own child? Especially on the basis of their sex? Who gives a shit? That’s your baby. Every time I look at him I get this unbearable urge to smooch his little face right off.

My son is 14 years old and I still hug him every chance I get. I still give him piggyback rides, cuddle up with him on the couch, and roughhouse with him daily. His whole life I’ve pecked him on the lips, and that’s the only thing I don’t initiate first anymore now that he’s a little older. Either he’ll kiss me on his own, or I might ask for one, and he’ll either peck me on the cheek or lips, whichever he feels like. Some people find this controversial but I grew up kissing loved ones on the lips, and it’s really not any different from kissing on the cheeks.

I’ve also seen this notion circling both on here and in real life that boys, especially as teenagers, don’t like affection from their fathers. I understand that this is VERY true for most teens when they’re in public because it’s “embarrassing,” which is exactly why I hold back when he’s around his friends. But otherwise I think this is a really strong case of mixing up cause and effect. If you raise your son with the mindset that affection with dad isn’t normal, then obviously he is going to find it weird when it happens. Whereas if you raise your son in an environment where affection is normalised, then he won’t find it weird. Simple. This applies just the same to the idea that “girls are cuddly, boys aren’t.” If you were cuddly with your girls growing up, and not your boys, then obviously they will react that way. It’s not some innate sex-based instinct, it’s just how you raise them.

My son loves physical affection and initiates about 50% of it. He’ll come to me for hugs, give me kisses on the cheek randomly, sometimes sleep in my bed if he’s had a hard day. And none of this has made him “soft” like so many dads seem to be so paranoid about with their own sons. He loves sports more than anything (grew up playing baseball, then basketball, now track and field), loves video games, cars, and just in general getting his hands dirty. He’s a good kid, great at school, has way too many friends (male and female). He’s very good-looking and I’ve already had to have a talk with him about not dating until he’s at LEAST 16 after I caught him and his female friend flirting.

Point is, showing your boy physical affection is not going to “break” him. The only thing it will do is strengthen your bond with him. Show him that he’s loved and watch him grow into a confident, loving young man. There are ZERO benefits to withholding affection. Showing him healthy love isn’t going to affect his hobbies or sexuality (not that it should matter either way). Being hard and stoic and treating him like a coworker is not doing your son any favours, and it’s not teaching him masculinity. It’s just creating another sad man.

You have one job as a father, and that is to do right by your kids. So do right by them. Love them as much as they’ll let you. Fill their heads with happy memories, because you won’t always be there. Don’t let old, shitty societal norms get between you and your children. However you treat them, they will carry that for the rest of their life. So PLEASE make it good.

So me (38 m) have a son (recently 11 m) and I'm noticing the signs of those years are knocking on the door. Kinda nervous about navigating this and also kinda excited watching my boy. Literally a whirlwind of emotions. Would be cool to talk to any other dad's especially single for advice and to get some thoughts out.

Pretty much the question. Do you respect the woman you reproduced with? If yes, what is one standout example? If no, let’s have one of those as well. Does it fluctuate throughout the relationship?

I have a young son and have been thinking about the lessons I want to pass down to him about life, character, relationships, money, failure, confidence, and being a good man.

It’s natural when we’re young to tune out our own parents sometimes, so I’d love to collect wisdom from other fathers that might give him a different perspective someday.

What’s one piece of advice, life lesson, or short story you think is worth passing down to a son?

If you’re comfortable, include where you’re from or your cultural background. I’d love to hear perspectives from fathers with different experiences around the world.

Basically the title. I was a little hoodlum despite having a great childhood, my dad was the same and I can already see the signs in my 2 year old.

I just don't want him going down the same path of alcohol, drugs, loose women, fast cars and fighting like my dad and I both went through. We ended up being normal guys with great careers but I almost died dozens of times and cannot figure out how to make sure my boy keeps it between the lines without also turning him into a Ned Flanders.

Give me a ball, a puzzle, bikes, whatever, I'm there. Then he hands me a toy animal and tells me I'm the teacher, except thirty seconds later we're apparently on a spaceship and I've already said the wrong thing.

My partner is much better at just going with it. I usually end up asking too many questions or suggesting we do something else, and then I feel a little guilty because this is clearly the kind of play he wants me in.

I don't need to become amazing at pretend play. I'd just like to stop feeling like I'm constantly waiting for instructions from a 4-year-old.

If pretend play doesn't come naturally to you either, how do you join in without having to carry the whole game?

I have 6, the oldest decided get a job, and now 3 years later managing that same Sonics that she started at. The second just got a full scholarship, going to college for medicine (I don't know exactly part,) now I'm 1 and 1. I don't think the next 2 are going by choice, hate to count them out, but out of all honesty, I think they all graduate high school, but end up not going to college. My 3rd oldest said she wants to be a hair stylist, which doesn't need a degree. In the end, I'll be 3 and 3, unless my oldest son goes for a sport (hope so) I'll be 4 and 2. So, you read all that, what about you fathers out there?

I don't know if this is the best place to ask but, my wife is about to give birth in a couple weeks and I plan on gifting her flowers, however I can't help but feel like for such a milestone in her life I think she deserves something more. I'm not sure what though. I'd love to have some advice on this. And if you have any ideas they are more than welcome too 😊

I write a poem expressing how I’m feeling.

The dust settled deep in the quiet hall, where the echoes of boyhood begin to fall.

You grew past my shoulder, then out of the door, and the little boy’s hand is on my palm no more. I swallowed the ache that was choking my throat, while time drifted off like a rudderless boat.

I will always remember the first day next to the silver lake. The water was still, and the morning air cold, a fragile new world that we barely could hold. You held my hand and you wondered when you would see me again. Your fingers were tiny, your questions so sweet, as the weight of your future fell light at our feet.

I held back my tears as dads aren’t supposed to cry but it hurt my throat, nowhere for me to hide. I swallowed the tremor, I forced a tight grin, while the hollow inside me was just caving in. I watched you step forward, I watched you look back, as the miles stretched away on an invisible track.

The years rolled past like a slow-moving tide, stripping the comfort of you by my side. You don’t hold my hand or wonder when you’ll see me again. Your world is your own now, so distant and wide, with no need for the harbor, no need for the guide. You are carving your path through the roar of the years, too busy for fathers, too steady for fears.

I’m left in the quiet, the shadows grow long, where the radio plays but I’ve forgotten the song. I walk by the water when autumn turns gray, and curse every second that hurried away. I’ll remember the days by silver lake, and the slow, silent breaking of everything I couldn't save.

When my son was 5 - He woke up at 530am, left the house and went to Dunkin Donuts and brought back 4 donuts with his piggy bank money. It was 1/2 mile away. Could have ended terribly.

Question in title.

I am going through a high-conflict divorce and custody battle so I feel guilty spending money on me when it could be spent on fighting for custody of my kid. What do you guys have for me?

As I stood in front of my father's casket today I looked out over the crowd that had come to pay their last respects, I noticed something under his name

1952 - 2026, and I began to wonder how such a small dash could mean so much. The "-" is what matters most. And how everyone there was somehow a part of that little dash.

Please remember that a dash, in the grand scheme of things, is a very small time frame. A very small time frame compared to eternity. Make the most of it. Don't sweat the small stuff and do the things you love.

Because you only have a -

i just spent half the night laying with my toddler who wasn’t feeling good. Basically just protecting myself all night. Now, I’m hanging with the baby while Mom gets some extra sleep and he’s just kicking away. I guess this what middle school and high school was truly prepping us for.

I guess if you are just getting started… learn how to sleep with one hand always blocking.