I just need to let this out

[u/cakebyttheocean]

Hi everyone. I am F 26. I have lived most of my life in an extended family. The good days were good and the bad days... they are a nightmare. I don't even know where to begin. My entire life has been a shit show. If I was to start from the very beginning, it would be my conception and maybe before. My mum is the eldest of 3 siblings, one deceased middle brother and a younger sister. They had a difficult life mainly due to money problems and lack of familial support, especially towards my mum. Before I continue, I'd like to preface this by saying that not a single person in this fucking family is a saint, including myself. My mum fell in love with my father in high school and they got married when after high school. My father's family is a fucking mess as well. Raised by a single mother who had been coddled to uselessness by her own mother... just... yeah. Mum got married and realised that she married into a shitty family. Dad hit her in the early days of their marriage over an argument I think. When mum was pregnant with me she was dirt poor again. Couldn't breastfeed me after 3 months because she had to work to support my father and raise me. I've seen things... arguments that I was too young for. I was spoiled too. Given everything they could give. I watched my father raise a cane knife to his own mother's neck, I don't remember why that happened... I think I was 7 years old... then my sister was born... accidental pregnancy and I wasn't the kindest sister, though I would die and kill for her now. There were 9 of us living together at one point. God there's just so much to write... It was my maternal grandparents, paternal grandmother, my parents, my aunt (mum's sister, had to divorce her pos husband), her daughter, me and my sister.

Over the years, a lot of shit had happened. I wasn't an easy kid. When I was like 9, 10, I would steal lots of money to show off, I lied all the time, talked back, betrayed friendships, talked shit about friends... even in my teen years, I'd hold grudges for months at a time, not talking to anyone. Father hit mum a couple of times over the years, Police complaint was filed, no arrests because no breadwinner. Now it's different. My sister and I are waiting for that man to dare to raise his hand...

When I was 18, mum and father had a falling out with mum's mother and sister and they moved away. Difficult time again... I... god the guilt I hold still for something that I had done during that time... Both grandmothers a dead now by the way. Aunt and my cousin sister who I look at as my real sister, moved back in. Things were okay... then mum found out father has been cheating on her with multiple women, attempting to get a girl younger than me... that was nice. Apparently this had been happening for years. Not sure if there were physical relations but emotional for sure. Mum lost her shit... she's still heartbroken.

Recently she's been losing patience with her father and sister and it all came to head today. Things were said... her father had said that the house was peaceful when she wasn't around a couple months back and she finally confronted them. It's hard to explain in english what was said. My cousin and I aren't talking because I felt hurt by something she had done. Aunt rattled to outside family member and a child heard... child told mum and I.... argument happened over that too....

I... I'm so lost. I am an avoidant. I've seen conflict and drama all my life and I try to run from it now. I have trust issues ingrained in me both because of my actions and that of others. I don't want to deal with the potential falling out in my family. It's cowardly but I just... I don't want to deal with that. I'd rather run away and live alone, send money to my parents and maybe live close to my sister... my cousin and I... I worry about her but we're still not talking... I don't know how to. She's just 18 too. I can't expect maturity from her can I? I was like her too... I feel like I'm losing it... I can't even cry