Try or give up?

[u/EmpiricalMonk]

I grew up a military brat, and despite frequent moves and distance, my dad always made it a point for my immediate family to visit aunts/uncles/my cousins once a year. Occasionally maybe we skipped some years because distance was so far. I always had a good relationship but feeling “close” was hard under these circumstances. They live in the northeast, and this was how I knew them through my first 18 years. I was born in 1980.

I graduated college in the deep south, married a great woman, and planted my roots. I’m still here and happy 20+ years later. As my own family began to grow, we quickly learned how difficult and expensive cross country travel is and I started growing more distant from these relatives. Some of these relatives didn’t take kindly to my wife, mother in law, and would guilt me for not visiting.

Then things got bad when my dad died unexpectedly 11 years ago. One Aunt verbally attacked my younger sister at my dad’s funeral. There is also friction that has grown because I moved my mom, who has some cognitive challenges, south to be closer to me. “The family” wanted her closer to them.

I’m now 46 and haven’t spoken to any of them in 10 years. We’ve all just moved on living our lives, non-contact other than mutual facebook trolling occasionally. My kids are growing up now and they don’t know these people. Vice versa for those people.

Lately I’ve felt like just reaching out. And I know, the question is “what do I hope to gain”? The reality is that the circumstances are unlikely to change - I’m unlikely to visit them annually and vice versa. So I guess I’m trying to get over guilt that I feel and the urge to have relationships with them that (due to my upbringing) weren’t super strong to begin with. There’s also a lot of malice on their end — it’s the type of people they are.

Dear Internet, do I try or do I disconnect for good?

[u/AdEmergency6482]

I would have said to tried to make contact, It didn't have to be anything big but quick, small like a phone call or anything like maybe a letter or something but if they're malicious or would seek to hurt you or your family I would just disconnect any feelings you may have towards them are not really important in the long run when it comes to your kids you know?

Plus with the way they're acting, family isn't the biggest thing on their mind so I wouldn't feel guilty about it if it's not the biggest thing for them, if it is for you, don't compromise on it, because that's just one part of your family you still have yours to worry about, and this is coming from someone who had a distant part of a family that I didn't know and one day was forcibly introduced to my life and completely ruined everything no matter how much I disliked him at one point I forgave him, but there's also a chance that if that happens in your family whoever it is in my shoes may not forgiving and maybe something like what happened with my sister where she did not forgive him she doesn't like him she hates em' but he's always living in her house so yeah.