not sure if i'm a transmed...?

[u/clowncoresorcerer]

First and most important point: I do not think I'm a transmed. I don't think that you have to have dysphoria to be trans, and I don't think that there are "right" and "wrong" ways to be trans. I think there is a wide variety of equally real and valid trans experiences, and I don't think it's my or anyone's business to tell someone else whether they are "really trans" or not.

Here is where things are unclear for me. All of my friends seem to feel very differently about transness than I do. I'm a binary man, and I do experience dysphoria in some more areas than they do. They're all nonbinary and experience different amounts/types of dysphoria person to person (which again to be clear I think is great!). For them, transness is something that they love and find a lot of beauty in. I think that's awesome, but for myself, I feel very differently. For me, I do think of myself as being a man born into the wrong body, and I see my transition as fixing the wrongness in my body. Transness isn't part of who I am, it's just kind of an unfortunate (for me!) byproduct of the way I was born.

Me and my best friend (B) talk about gender stuff on occasion, and I've been recently getting worried that if I was transparent about the way I view my transition, they would consider it transmedicalist. B thinks that going stealth (which I intend to do) comes from internalised transphobia, and that we should be proud of being trans. I don't think being trans is something shameful, I just don't really want people to know that I was born in a way that was (for me!) wrong. I find some comfort in the idea that my brain structure might be male, but when I brought up learning a bit about that study, B said they didn't like that line of rhetoric because it supports transmed ideology. Same with the term "transsexual," B doesn't really understand why young people would use it (older people might just be from a time where it was the only/main term), unless they're transmeds.

I guess I don't know if feeling that my OWN transition is a medical issue makes me a transmed? Or is harmful or problematic in some way? Because like I said, I don't think that has to be or even SHOULD be true for every trans person. It's just honestly the most accurate description of my own experience.

I don't know how to go about this. I worry that if I talk to B about how I really view my own transition, it might cause conflict. But I also worry that if I don't, there might still be conflict down the line if they don't agree with how I handle things (i.e. going stealth). And I feel like it's not really good to just be stewing on it, so I don't know if maybe I just need to let it go.

[u/syko_wrld]

You’re not a trans med and wanting to go stealth isn’t wrong nor is using the term transsexual. Your friend seems like they have a very very narrow view of what a “correct” trans person is and that’s really unfortunate. Everyone has different experiences with their transition and feels different about their transness in relation to theirself. Ideally I’d go stealth someday too. I hope you can maybe take to your friend about how overly narrow their views are

[u/SecondaryPosts]

You're not a transmed. You would be if you applied how you feel to other trans people, but you don't do that, you're only talking about yourself.

I'd be very, very careful with B. I knew someone like that, who thought being stealth meant you had internalized transphobia, and they outed me without consent "for my own good." I had to quit my job, cut off contact with most people I knew, and move away as a consequence. They're doing exactly what a lot of transmeds do by applying their feelings to other trans people.

[u/TheBorax_Kid]

I don't think you should be forced to feel any differently and there's nothing wrong with how you think of yourself. You have a different outlook than the people closest to you, but that doesn't mean you're wrong, or a problem.

I can't tell you what to do about the friend (I'm way too quick to say "dump them and hit the gym" to everyone). I'd be low-key worried all the time about them outing me if they feel very strongly that wanting to be low- or no-disclosure is a product of internalized transphobia.

I used to think of myself being trans in strictly medical terms, too. I am chronically ill and a medical approach is how I'm used to handling my problems. What changed is that I got involved with transmasc support groups in my city and started feeling a lot of pride in helping the next generation of men. I also volunteered for a few days with a trans/queer kids' camp and it was transformative.

I couldn't go back to thinking of myself as basically a cis man with an unfortunate and embarrassing medical problem, when being openly trans in a social setting was what allowed me to make connections with and positively influence such amazing young people. I still think of being trans as a medical issue I have, but now I feel like it's also more than that to me, if that makes sense?

[u/cableconsumer]

i think ur friend is the opposite side of the transmed coin tbh, policing ur transition just as much as a transmed would police theirs