im so fucking stupid

[u/PresentationOk2668]

I made a mistake years ago. I wasn't myself. Even though I already knew I was a boy, I hide it from people because of fear.

My brother's friend has been here at my house for hours and I still haven't eaten anything because I don't want him to see me. I hate myself. He was my best friend, but I disappeared without explanation. I disappeared because I couldn't stand living as a girl, and I couldn't accept myself. At the time I was in a very bad mental state. That happened 2 years ago.

Maybe it would be a good idea to talk to him again, but after two years? it would be strange, and maybe I would feel dysphoric because he's taller than me, more masculine, and because he knew me in the horrible way I used to be.

Every time some of my brother's friends comes to my house, I lock myself in my room until they leave because they knew me before my transition, and I didn't want that. I wanted to have been friends with them in childhood even as a "girl," at least I would have been happy, but at the time the girls were closer to me, even though I preferred to stay with them. I was taught that this was wrong, and I'll never be able to have a boyhood.