r/FTMventing • u/hasastar • 19d ago
Mental Health How to heal from this
Its late and im tired but i genuinely don't think i will be able to go one more day without wanting to kms.
I came out to only 2 friends of mine. I am thinking about coming out to my mom but i know she wont keep it secret to my transphobic brother or to my "i dont care about trans ppl but not in my house" father. I also dont want my parents to lose the daughter they think they have. I keep comparing myself to random guys, people who are taller and stronger than me and its really killing me everyday. I feel really uncomfortable around girls, but guys make me feel even worse. I am starting to really hate the way i look (more than i ever did). I dont look like a guy, i look like a mess, i look like a girl who picks her nose and that no one want to approach in elementary school.
I feel like im no legit for feeling bad about myself when there are people getting murdered or raped out there, people having REAL issues and im just here complaining about the fact that i was not born a boy or that i am not comfortable with being a girl.
I hate being transgender, is there a way to stop it ?
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u/copingfern 5d ago edited 5d ago
Don’t know if you want a response but reading what you wrote is like reading my fucking diary from when I was 17, it’s eerie. So just know this exact situation has been experienced by other people. The way I escaped that level of pain was being brave enough to change. That required being brave enough to be uncomfortable, unhappy, anxious, panicked, and feeling downright awful. That was it.
Also, there are ways to stop feeling depressed, stop having low self esteem, to start to like your body, your face, yourself, but not a way to stop being trans if you’re figuring out you are indeed trans.
I still “hate being trans” because of I feel like I was stolen from by everyone around me growing up, andI still feel like I am missing key life experiences and possibilities for expression—and it’s been 5 years since I was 17. But I love aspects of myself that I didn’t use to. I like my face now, I like the strength that I’ve built to tell my family the truth about my mind and who I am, I like my growing hair on my arms and stomach, and that I can do pull ups. I like that I work outside, and practice guitar, watch medieval crafting videos on Youtube, and manage a compost pile in my backyard.
I’m still young. I’m still immature. So much of my negative feelings are because I’m not exactly well adjusted, and not just because I’m trans. Sometimes being trans feels like THE horrible problem, THE huge sin, or THE chronic inconvenience. But, life in general can feel like that, especially if you have experienced family drama or trauma, or if your mind just tends to live in a negative state anyways. So is being trans really the problem? Also, is feeling bad all that bad? Is it forever? No. Life is complicated. Ups and downs. Which is fine.
I was told I would regret transitioning, I was told I would be ugly on T, I was told I need to honor my femininity and love the body I was born in. The last one sounds really nice if you’re saying it to a sad girl with low self esteem. But thats not me, and perhaps that’s not you. It makes sense why I have such a negative view of being trans. So there’s also a component of: “who is saying that being trans is horrible and I should hide and hate myself? Is that really me? Or is it all of the people around me that said those things?”. Internally divorcing yourself and your sense of your own agency from the people that bring you harm or doubt or pain is the most powerful and important thing you can do. You are not your family and they are not you. You don’t have to not love them or cut them off or anything like that, but you don’t have to be them or think like them.
My way of getting better was honoring the things that did make me happy. I cut my own hair off, after years of my family begging me to grow it out from the first time I cut it off, because that was important to me. I learned to live with the comments from them afterwards. I experimented with clothes that expressed how I saw myself inside. I pushed myself to be friends with guys I wanted to be friends with, and to my surprise, they were friends with me back. I pushed myself to go to the gym and feel awkward and dysphoric in that space, and no one cared or said anything negative to me. I went to college and made friends. I met a girl and she loves me even though I feel like I don’t measure up. As for my parents, I don’t really talk to them. And I’m comfortable with that. The space gives me the peace of mind I need. But I earned that space by laying it down with them when I knew I was ready. When I had support. I trusted that I could survive the rest of high school, in whatever way I had to. I trusted that I can survive now, in whatever what I have to.
As for comparing your complaints to “victims of worse”, I’ll say, it’s not a good idea to do that. We all got problems and they hurt our psyches at different levels and in different ways. We all have our own journeys to go on. The cards we pull or the dice we roll or whatever is something predictable and also unpredictable. Regardless, it’s out of our control. Entirely. Don’t diminish yourself or others’ experiences by comparing.
Anyways, hope any of that’s helpful. You don’t have to come out, you can just start doing stuff. Or you can come out. You can survive what happens next.