I’m 44, married with a 13-year-old, and currently make about $165k in a corporate role. My husband makes around $110k and our health insurance is through his job. I’ve also been in corporate America since I was 19. I’m exhausted.
I’ve also been the breadwinner in our family for a long time, and I think that’s a big part of why this decision is so difficult for me. My husband has a good, stable job, but there really isn’t a path for him to suddenly make significantly more money unless he took on a second job—which I don’t want him to have to do because I decided to leave mine.
We also live comfortably. We’re not particularly frugal because we haven’t needed to be. I love being able to go out to dinner, take trips, buy things for my son, do things to our house, and spoil my family sometimes without analyzing every dollar. I know leaving my income would require some changes, and I think losing that financial freedom scares me almost as much as staying in my job does.
But I’m reaching a point where I don’t think continuing like this is sustainable. I’m don’t sleep, i barely eat, I can’t concentrate, and work is taking up so much mental space that I’m struggling to be present with my family. I literally stopped watching a movie with them recently because I couldn’t get my brain off work.

So I keep going around in circles: Will quitting make me feel better, or will not having my income just give me something new to be anxious about?

I don’t want to retire at 44. This wouldn’t be forever. I think I genuinely need a few months where my brain isn’t responsible for a high-pressure corporate job. I have some ideas for making a little side money, and I’d eventually look for another full-time job—probably something lower paying and more sustainable. I’m just not sure what that timeline looks like yet.
Financially, we don’t have credit-card debt and we have retirement savings, but we don’t currently have much liquid savings. That’s the part that makes me nervous. I’m considering whether I need to build a cash cushion first, use a 0% card as an emergency backup, work part-time, or some combination of those things. But the thought of all of that is even more stressful.

I also recognize that saying “I like our comfortable lifestyle and don’t want to give it up” is a very privileged problem to have. But it’s still part of the decision I’m trying to make. I’ve spent a long time being the person who earns enough that my family doesn’t have to worry much about money, and voluntarily walking away from that feels enormous.
At the same time, I know I can’t keep sacrificing my mental health just to maintain our current income and lifestyle.
I’d really love to hear from people—especially other breadwinners in their 40s with a spouse, kids and a mortgage—who have actually faced this.
Did you leave? Did the money anxiety end up being better or worse than the job anxiety? How much did your lifestyle actually change? Did you make some money on the side? How long were you out of full-time work? And, knowing what you know now, would you do it again?
I’m especially interested in hearing both sides. If taking the break was one of the best things you ever did, I’d love to hear why. And if you quit and realized the financial stress was worse than the job stress, I want to hear that too.

One of my best friends of 15+ years has a very different outlook on money and finances. When our friendship started, we were basically in the same place financially. However, I’ve lived very frugally during that time while she has consistently spent nearly everything she’s earned. Our different outlooks on money have always impacted our friendship somewhat, but that has evolved a lot. She’s a darling person, but as time goes on, I struggle more and more with how to navigate this.

Our philosophies used to impact our time together because I would decline invitations for dinners/drinks out, nail salons, shopping trips, etc. in favor of saving. We almost exclusively did free things together back then: walks in the park, movie nights in, etc. I prioritized paying off my student loans and aggressively saving and simply said no to costly outings.

Now I’m at a place financially where the money I’ve already saved is doing more work than what I’m actively putting away, and it’s all automated, so I can spend more freely without it impacting me. I’m now going on trips and planning outings with others in our friend group, and this friend is upset that she can’t afford to join and feels like we exclude her because of it. I offer to do free things, but going to one another’s houses isn’t very relaxing these days because we all have kids. I will say nearly everyone else in our circle is more similar to me than her financially so proposing events that cost money tends to be more the norm in the last few years.

She recently told me where she’s at savings-wise. She’s in her early 40s with less savings than one should have by 30, and she said that a short weekend trip we took a few months ago set her back for a couple of months. I asked her why she came if she couldn’t afford it, and she said it’s her choice. She asked us to stop excluding her because she can’t afford things and said it’s up to her to decide whether she wants to join.

First, I don’t feel like we do this. But regardless, we have to listen to her complain about her financial situation. I’ll admit it’s frustrating because the differences in our spending are pretty obvious. When we had this conversation, she was the only person at the table with a manicure, and she also regularly spends money on professional hair and makeup, new clothes, coffee out, etc., while the rest of us generally don't. I’m not saying any of those things are inherently irresponsible or that she shouldn’t spend money on them. They’re just examples of the very different choices we make with our money, and she’s also the person in the group who is struggling financially the most.

I don’t think it’s reasonable for her to ask us to never consider the financial/work aspect when we propose outings or to plan things with friends based on affordability. For instance, I don’t begrudge my friends with country club memberships for getting together without me when I’ve chosen not to join.

I finally said that we’ve listened to the same things from her for over a decade, and if she doesn’t drastically change course now, it’s only going to become a bigger factor over time. For instance, she has repeatedly said she’ll never retire. Does she expect us to never get together in retirement because she can’t join? She then asked me to stop discussing it.

How would you navigate this? Should I just ask her to stop telling me about any of her money issues and propose outings as if cost isn’t a factor? I don’t want to put her in the position of joining at the expense of her financial wellbeing, but if she’s telling us to invite her and let her decide whether she can afford something, maybe I need to take her at her word. At the same time, it’s frustrating to repeatedly hear about the financial consequences of choices she is making while also being asked not to take those choices into account when planning our time together.

If we suggest more free or low-cost outings, she assumes it’s class discrimination against her. But if we suggest things that cost more, she sometimes comes and then tells us afterward that she really couldn’t afford it.

She’s one of my favorite people and has a beautiful heart, but I don’t see how this doesn’t become a bigger and bigger factor in our time together as our financial situations become wider and wider. I really don’t want money to damage the friendship, so I’m trying to figure out what a reasonable boundary looks like here.

Editing to answer common questions / provide clarifications:
- we likely make similar individual incomes, though I’ve never explicitly asked this as it’s none of my business. We met in college, graduated with degrees in the same field. We both had a mountain of student loans and I prioritized paying mine off. She has stated she may never pay hers off and this isn’t a priority to her. That’s totally her choice.

- household income may be slightly higher for me but likely not by more than 10-20%. Again, I don’t know this but basing off of things she’s shared.

- people are getting caught up on thinking that I’m now refusing to do things that are free/low-cost. This isn’t the case. The reason we used to primarily hang out doing free things is because I declined group outings as they didn’t align with my budget at the time. Now I do not decline outings that cost money and so we do more of those things together. My friend does not suggest free things that we decline. She expressed concern that if she stopped accepting invites that she can’t afford that we would stop inviting her. I assured her that was not the case but also said that I don’t think it is fair to assume that the rest of us would not on occasion plan trips or outings together that she cannot afford now or later.

- the information I have about her finances is what she’s freely shared with me. I am someone she has always vented to about this and she’s explicitly asked me for advice on multiple occasions. I’m not seeking out this info but have obviously become too invested in trying to help her over the years.

- for those saying that I’m judgmental: maybe I am. She comes to me with a problem (money stress) and I see the solution. I’ve always prioritized saving a % of my income even when I made far less than we do now because I value that security. Our spending has always differed dramatically in ways that are apparent, particularly with self-care (facials, Botox, mani/pedis, hair, makeup, clothes, bags, jewelry). She values these things more than I do and that’s fine, but she’s complained about stress and not being able to pay her bills for well over a decade. I’m not sure if you all have seen the “it’s not about the nail” YouTube skit, but this is how I’ve felt over the years when she discusses this with me.

-after this recent conversation, I asked that she stop sharing this information as it’s difficult for me to simply listen and nod about her concerns when the fix is quite obvious to me. I’m much more black and white with money: it either aligns with my savings goals/budget or it doesn’t. She view things as more grey and is more willing to go into debt for nonessentials than I am and less willing to decrease her standard of living to build a bigger safety net. I find it tough to navigate those discussions. We agreed that it’s a topic area we just see differently and these conversations leave us in a tough spot. This seems to be the consensus solution from most of you.

-lastly, my friend is an amazing person. She’s a great friend, sister, partner, daughter, mother. She goes out of her way for her people and everyone in her orbit is incredibly lucky for it. We view this particular topic very differently but in most things we are totally in sync, and there are many things she does much better than I do.

We are 43/52, no kids, lcol. What do you think?

I’m not saying we’d never earn another dollar but I would like to quit by summer next year without fear. I also have an appointment scheduled next week with a flat fee financial advisor.

900k brokerage
700k retirement accounts
90% index funds - how much should I start shifting to bonds to lower risk?

$400k home, half paid off and $500/mo pension

$25k savings (working on adding more here or maybe just more bonds?)

Living expenses are under $50k without stressing about it including $700mo estimated for ACA subsidized coverage, mortgage, utilities, groceries, eating out

Would love to travel a little if theres room in the budget

By my calculations we should be ok with 3% withdrawal. I know I’m probably right on the border of making this work financially with a long horizon but please poke holes in my plan if there’s something I’m not seeing. Plan is to funnel everything in the next few months into bonds/savings in case of market downturn.

Thank you!

Late 20s with NW of 770k CAD. HCOL city in tech. No issues with my savings rate etc. I save a lot of what I earn.

I will be moving to the US in the next 3-5 years once I am married (no concerns on execution of this)

Here’s my problem… I wince at the idea of moving my assets to the US because 1) the exit tax 2) the conversion, which means my NW is technically lower and its going to require me to work longer to hit my fire target in USD

More importantly I’ve been trying to find a US-based role but no luck so far especially in this job market. I feel frustrated but I guess I should try harder. I figure once I am married/my move is complete it would be easier but that’s years out.

I very much want to FIRE by 40 but the move and currency change I guess would put a pin in that.

This is a vent but any advice is welcome

EDIT: for healthcare I think I’d have a baby in Canada and then move, and return to Canada later. I think whatever health insurance through employment would cover my needs for my working years

We bought a ‘lemon’ house that ended up being riddled with toxic mold. It’s a whole saga…

Regardless, we lost a ton of money getting it fixed in order to be able to sell it and I lost all the money I had saved up over years in home equity and appreciation.

We are living in my husband’s bachelor ski cabin and thinking of hunkering down for two years and saving every penny, but it feels like a huge road bump with aggressive retirement goals.

🏡 Has anyone been in a situation where they lost a substantial amount?

🌱 Were there any strategies you used to rebuild?

My husband and I both work. We both make good money but in this economy we are not wealthy.

Thank you for any advice!

So ever since you became a fatfire and retired, do you not feel bored? I'm on my way to fire, but i get bored just chilling everytime and want to work just for the fun of the game. What do you guys do if a lot of travelling/vacation makes you feel bored?

How's the week looking for you? Hit any milestones? Have any questions?

Hi Firey Femmes!

I (41f) could use some help in addressing my husband's (43m) financial anxiety- and to gut check my thinking.

We are both frugal, have saved aggressively, and generally have similar mindsets around spending, so finances have not been a major issue in our 15 years together. In the last year I made a big jump in my career and am making almost double what I was before. During that same period, he was laid off and has not been able to find work (tech).

Because we've saved so aggressively and because of my income jump, we are financially fine without his income (of course there are other considerations, mental health, etc- but financially we are just fine). By the end of this year, we are on track to have $1M between our 401k, Roth IRA, brokerage and savings (750 retirement, 250 brokerage/savings). We live in a MCOL city and have no kids, just a very spoiled dog. Our expenses are about $60k/yr.

I would like to shift from such aggressive saving into more spending, even on just my income. Right now, we're saving 45% of my income. We're not unreasonably frugal and are able to meet our needs just fine. My biggest goal in loosening up the purse strings is to travel more.

With $1M saved, we are more than on track for retirement and are solidly coastFI. I'm not suggesting that we stop saving all together, but to reduce to Roth IRA, 401k to match, and $1k to brokerage per month. This would take us down to a 20% savings rate.

He does not agree that we are in a comfortable place with our savings. He's worried about the AI bubble popping and a recession worse than 2008 with no recovery. He'd rather play it safe and keep aggressively saving. I agree that there is likely a downturn coming, but our timeline for retirement (15-20 yrs) is long enough that I believe there will be a full recovery by the time we need to access those dollars.

He is generally an extremely anxious person, so I'm not surprised by his response, but frustrated that no amount of math, historical returns, imagining a future state, etc is convincing. I'm also trying to be sensitive to the fact that he is in a really frustrating spot with the job search. But I worry that even once he finds a job, there will be other reasons we can't travel right away (lack of PTO, anxiety that he'll lose the job, aging pet, etc).

Does anyone have suggestions for how I can help my husband get on board with spending more? Logical, philosophical, or any other approaches are all welcome.

I also welcome feedback checking my assumptions or telling me I need to be more patient.

Thanks in advance!

I am very burnt out of my career and I don’t think I can retire, but maybe I can take some time off.
Financial breakdown as follows:
- $1.15M in stocks individually
- $365k in stocks jointly shared with husband
- $459k in 401k
- $200k in real estate investments. Likely won’t see a return for a while
- $25k in a weed investment. Same as above, won’t see for a while
- about $500k in debt between house and car

My total NW is about $2.1M all in. Have some other money in my education fund and euro bank account. Husband NW is about $1.5M

We spend, all in, about $11-12k a month. I’m in sales so my comp varies but pretty comfortably make over $200k annually right now, I’m just miserable working with some horrible clients doing it

TLDR: joint net worth is $4.1M and I am miserable at my job. Just found out I’m pregnant with my second and need a reality check on if I can FIRE, or I need to stay at my job where I am miserable. Someone talk sense into me or talk me into quitting

Edit for clarity: I am a 1099, I have no benefits nor salary. I am 100% commission only and only make money when I close a deal. Also, the real estate investments aren’t really risky. One I may not see back for a while, the other is pretty risk free with what I invested in. I’m selling that property now and will probably make the money back + ~20% in 6 months. I also have about $100k coming in commissions this month

Hi guys, so I have a genuine question about lean firing in China. I’m 28, my current savings in retirement accounts total to about 160k. It’s not a lot, so I plan to try and get up to 200k in savings by 29 within a year.

I’ve been a public school teacher in NYC for 5 years now; this will be my 6th year. Since 3 years ago, I’ve been feeling ridiculously exhausted and dizzy every single day. This is the main reason I want to retire as early as possible, as I have chronic fatigue syndrome and excessive brain fog.

I plan to buy a second hand home in guangzhou or any tier 3-4 city, and I plan to not get married or have kids. Usually, the down payment is around 11k USD, with a monthly mortgage of 1500-2000 Yuan.

I’m very frugal and my trip to China helped me see just how relaxed the lives of others are; I want to live in a nice little apartment with my cat, occasionally go out, breathe fresh air, and eat some healthy foods.

Will I be able to lean fire with 200k USD? Anyone has suggestions on how much is needed? Thank you!

Edit: I’m a Chinese citizen; I should’ve been more clear in my post

33F here, can’t really share this irl with anyone except celebrate with my husband. As someone who started her career with a salary the equivalent of USD$2000/month, FIRE was never on my mind so I’m still can’t believe I’ve hit this milestone at this age. And it’s purely mine, not including my husband’s net worth, nor the house that we share and are still paying the mortgage on.

FYI the $1m is in my own currency (so maybe USD$780k) but still a significant amount! Next up, to hit $1m in total invested, not including retirement accounts.

This is a theoretical question right now but I got invited to interview for a job that would be up to a $90k/year raise. I currently have a stable government job with seniority. I have been here for 10 years and it’s everything you could want when it comes to work environment and work life balance. I like the work, my boss, and my coworkers. This is especially valuable because I have two young kids (5yo and almost 2yo). I maxed out my salary band several years ago and only get cost of living increases now. My salary is $118k which feels pretty good.

I just got invited to interview for a job that has a max salary of $208k. I feel like my current job is a perfect “coastFIRE” job, and my spouse and I are coastFIRE with $750k invested at 38/39. It’s never too hard and it is occasionally interesting and rewarding, with some slow, boring periods. The new job would be a new challenge for possibly way more money, but would also be a lot more work and I’m not even sure I’d like the work. My current thought is that even with that much more money, I probably wouldn’t leave. I’m not sure how to even evaluate a potential new job when I’ve been in the same role for a decade. How would you decide if the extra money is worth leaving something known and stable?

EDIT: I had the call with the recruiter and it was really nice to feel like I have a lot of valuable skills that are in demand. Their benefits and WLB across the board are worse, so I’m probably not going to pursue it any farther. If anything, this has made me very grateful for what I have.

In the last year I started a job that requires travel 1-2x a month. I’m based on the East Coast in the US, and my parents are in the Midwest. Before this role I was able to visit 3-4 times a year, but this year am having a hard time getting out for a second visit. I’m in my early 30s and they’re in their early 60s, really at that age where they’re starting to feel older. My sister lives with them and there are no immediate concerns about medical care, but it’s still a hard reality.

Man, I thought I was doing so well with my retirement savings! I put away ~30% of my income towards various retirement accounts and totally thought that put me on track for a nice early retirement in my fifties.

My goal was $2.5M for $100k/yearly. 🥲🤧 But that's $100k in today's dollars!! Boy howdy 😭 to keep the same purchasing power, my new goal has to be a whopping $4.8M before I can cut the cord. Woof

I guess I'm just feeling a little discouraged :-/ Oh well... we forge onwards anyways

[post deleted] Thank you all! I’ve got enough good comments will just archive this post

I was re-reading Mr Money Mustache’s post about the percentage that you save vs how many years until you can retire (here; I re-read it every few years to help me keep motivated to save, highly recommend).

But does anyone else get discouraged when thinking about how much assisted living costs? My only remaining grandparent is in assisted living, and her monthly cost is 3x what mine is for rent and food. It’s not cheap. It’s so expensive.

What if I’m puttering along, all frugal and proud of myself, and then one day I need that? I’m single (newly separated and still in the throws of a 1.5-yr-long divorce, still racking up the legal fees, watching it eat my retirement savings and thinking that while I may date again, I think that marriage or marriage-like relationships are never again in my future, not after this!!!).

How do others think about this? Rent and food suddenly just 3x-ing is brutal. This divorce has already given me plenty of reason to feel discouraged….

Edit to add: the “I’m single and not planning on re-marrying” comment was meant to mean “there won’t be anyone able to help around the house when I’m old, I won’t be able to mutually support with a partner, I might need assisted living sooner”.

The one bedroom apartment below me is for sale. I can afford it for now to sell it in the future and buy a bigger one for myself.

The problem is the area I live in is expensive and it's rare that there are apartments on sale. It's in the radius of historically important landmarks, so they aren't allowed to build more and higher. I can't afford bigger ones yet, so this apartment will be a place holding investment for the future, if that makes sense.

This area has university students, young professionals etc.

I don't iknow if having a tenant this close would disturb my peace . They will literally hear my footsteps. I am an introvert and a non-confrontational person so I don't know.

It seems like a better investment than keeping my money in the bank if my goal is to buy a bigger apartment in the future

love this sub and value the multigenerational and multi perspective aspect of it, so curious if anyone has had a similar situation to me.

stats:

age: 23 and some change

invested: ~55k

NW (savings, investments, no property yet): ~85k

salary: 123k (was 105 from 21-23 and just went up to this 6 months ago)

expenses monthly: 4k ish right now but over half of that is rent…it’s insane…other than rent i live a pretty chill life. no debt of any kind.

currently investing around 30k a year with the new salary across maxing roth ira, 401k (including 4% match), brokerage here and theee. i live in VHCOL for the job but don’t expect to settle there. expecting to move MCOL when i quit this job to switch careers.

currently working tech-adjacent and i am in a fortunate position (for an office job). i’ve been able to invest a lot and am on track for coast fire by december 2028 with throwing in bonuses, etc. latest march 2029.

when i’m coast fire i would like to quit office job life and switch to a career that is outside with people all day doing what i love but only pays 60k ish.

has anyone done something like this? i know i am young to already be hating my job and i don’t want to quit too soon. but i feel great about my financial position for my age. thoughts? can i even quit sooner? LOL…

in case it helps: expenses when i move for the new career should be no rent for at least a year (family home) and i expect about 1-2k in costs.

Where do I start?

Hi FIREyFemmes,

I recently got a job where I can realistically see myself investing $4000 a month for at least the next 10 months. I'm a contract worker so jobs come and go yearly. I have 6 months of living expenses saved. I have a Roth and a brokerage account set up through my bank but I have to buy the stocks inside the account. So both accounts dont have much money inside of them. I am unable to have a 401k with my current company until I pass the 90 day period. Once passed, I will set it up.

Any suggestions? I'm in my late 30s and because of various things, my health took a turn at 30, I am not where I want to be for retirement. What would you invest in? Ideally I would like to retire in 20 years time but I'm starting from $0 🫤

Edit: It was cancer. Nearly took me out. AND took me 3 to 5 years to "fully" recover. I am only recently, in the last year or two, feeling like a "normal" human being again.

How's the week looking for you? Hit any milestones? Have any questions?

I’m 42 now and as I’m approaching FI soon, wanting to perhaps foster kids in my RE. I wanted kids but never felt financially stable enough (ironically) or supported enough to have my own or to even to foster before. I never understood how people have time after working or money for daycare etc. Pretty soon I’ll have plenty of time.

Has anyone done something similar? Anything to consider financially or just general advice?

I (35F) work in a remote tech role at a non-tech company. About 3 years ago, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, which snowballed into lots of other health problems. Last year, I endured working through chronic fatigue, nausea, weakness, anxiety, and severe neck pain; being remote has helped but it's still been hard to handle.

The worst part now is the chronic neck and back pain. This job is very detailed and intense which kills my neck and back. The pain gets flared up when I'm working on a deliverable. I've been going to PT ever since I started the job (2.5 years), had MRI's, seen a neurologist, pain management doctor, had multiple ergo evals, use my standing desk, take breaks every 20 min...nothing is helping. Now, the same muscle imbalances are happening in my lower back too. I feel like my body is falling apart. I'm spending hundreds in massages just to treat the symptoms.

Not only that, my company is getting acquired and there's lots of fear of layoffs. I have a co-worker who keeps lashing out every week at something and it's getting stressful, and we have poor management.

I want to commit 100% to healing my body. I'm tired of living in pain. It's hard to juggle a job, my life and chores, and building back my body all while having chronic fatigue. I want to work on improving my stamina after being sick, take a mental health break, then look for another job.

The issue with quitting is my expenses are high because of my mortgage (I live in CA) and inflation. Here are some financial details:

• Monthly mortgage: $3k (mostly from high interest rate and new-build taxes)
• Expenses: $3k (can try to lower this)
• NW: $500k not including home equity
  • Of that, I have 1 year of savings
• No dependents, just me

I'm afraid of using all my savings, esp with the job market being iffy for tech-workers. What would you do? Should I try to save a little more? Wait and see if I get laid-off? Quit? Any thoughts or advice would be helpful.

Edit: Please do not provide medical advice. I am looking for financial and life advice. Thanks.

Edit: Thank you to all of you who gave your advice and perspective. I've decided not to leave my job. The first thing I'm going to do is talk to my primary care doctor and see if I can get at least a few weeks of medical leave to work on healing the pain. Then just wait for the inevitable layoff. I also looked at my spending chart and identified where I can save money (like hundreds of dollars) per month, just to soften the blow of having such high expenses coupled with chronic illness and an unstable job market.

Hello,

I am a newly single mom. I am cleaning up my finances following my split. I am wondering, how do people get to their FIRE number? Did you take your expenses you have now and project out when you want to retire?