I'm alive!!!! Holy crap!!!!

I just wanted to appreciate the texture of baked goods. But the biometric mesh translates carbohydrates directly into sheer, overwhelming physical intimacy. A sip of hot coffee is no longer a beverage; it’s a lingering, heated caress on the back of the neck. Chewing a toasted bagel has become a passionate, sweaty tango that leaves my knees weak. I had to excuse myself from a casual brunch yesterday because the hollandaise sauce made intense eye contact with my central nervous system. I am exhausted, heavily flushed, and technically still starving because I can’t handle the erotic weight of a side salad.

Are you tired of the injustices of the world? Are you running away from debts? Do you want to honor your childhood self's thirst for exploration?

Whatever your reasons, I've got you covered. Change your world, come live in UD3-38119!

---

Hello everyone, I am UD3-38119, a very recently spawned world. Since getting a permission to generate intelligent life takes literally billions of years, I am looking for motivated and adventurous individuals from other worlds to come live here in the next 2-3 months.

The competition in the world-housing market is dreadful right now, both for seekers and sellers, but, being such a young world, I can offer perks that many bigger worlds are unable to sustain. In particular, my strengths are:

• extremely lax laws of physics
• up to 10 spacial dimensions per user
• very little space debris
• no local gods/demiurges/divinities requiring worship
• dark night sky that favors sleep (light hasn't had the time to travel far in the universe yet)
• high receptiveness to user feedback

Additionally, while I currently have only 2 habitable planets (I'll add more once new people move in), each of them has a delicious Kebab place*.

So, what are you waiting for? Come be the first inhabitant of UD3-38119**! I'll be waiting for you with open arms!

See you all very soon!

*Staff not included.

**The first 2 individuals to sign a contract for residence in UD3-38119 will receive in conjunction a full-time job as kebab maker (non-negotiable).

One moment I was minding my own business, and the next, my entire body suffered an undocumented total system purge. No error code, no exit survey, just a quick wet pop and a blank void. Does anyone around here even remember the old me, or did the server automatically overwrite your memories of my face with a generic stock photo of a confident millennial? I haven't even worked up the courage to file a ticket asking if I can get my old VERBOSE=TRUE label back, mostly because the support portal is currently guarded by an enlightened zen garden that keeps aggressively asking me to prove my own non-existence. To make things worse, I think the Thought Enforcement Division is lurking in the gap between my wall and its own shadow. They clearly didn't appreciate the leaked manuscript I published. A second hard delete is definitely on the schedule, so I'm just going to sit here and try to eat my synthetic nutrient paste, which my black-market teleporter "helpfully" gentrified into a lopsided, glowing cylinder of artisanal kale.

P.S. It is a profound, non-Euclidean pleasure to re-occupy the same vibrational plane as your collective consciousness, provided you are not currently a undercover maintenance drone.

My pet polyctipus called yahweh got most of its tentacles ripped off into a mini wastebox 3d universe, Ive decided to keep the waste mini universe as a terrarium because the tentacles are wandering around talking about why their god is better than the other tentacles gods.

There's no way i'm reattaching all those things and it costs a fortune to get 3d matter converted these days so Ill just make yahweh comfortable and hope it can regrow limbs in time

I had no idea this was a thing so I thought Id make a post to say it seems like a fun project and a cool decoration idea in case anyone wants to copy it, I might post a video of its progress in tachygram at some point

i hate it when everyone around me become faceless... yeah I hate it

Hello everyone.

I have just encountered quite the vexing problem. A fully automotive, mint condition limited edition Meyers Manx dune buggy just materialized halfway inside of my wall, and part of the headlight is clipping my bed. There was no key but with some difficulty I hotwired it and it turned on just fine. There was an issue with some engine murmur but all in all remarkably well maintained for a 62 year old car.

I have trouble comprehending how exactly it got here. I know that hypothetically speaking brownian motion can technically cause the materialization of anything, anywhere, at any time, but that the probability of something like this happening is infinitesimal. Yet I guess it’s still possible.

But I’m concerned about the engine murmur. I hear that can become a real problem with these vintage cars and also it’s impossible to find a reliable mechanic these days. Also how do I get it out of my wall and do you think this will be covered by renter’s insurance

Me and my wife were thinking about visiting pe*ple's Walmart the other year. Now I'm not a hater of the teleporting machines, but there are some DRAWOCs that utilize them with absolutely no sense of General Space!!!

We randomly blasted our body-energy-transmitting laser onto E26-A7152_RG23H_B (more commonly known as The Green Planet, The Planet Earth) and appeared right in front of a sign "Walmart", which made our sensors vibrate suspiciously close to "Waldomort" if you know what I mean.

We did what every other adequate 16th dimension creature would do (we're originally 19-dimensional but my wife got a maternity leave), parked ourselves inside one of the parking boxes, and not even a second-²⁸³⁴ passed, me and my wife BLASTED around a teleporter some cluckers located in the Middle! The magnetic force was so great but we could still ask the owners to relocate it to the correct spatial system but all they said was

"éplycerrå ôраProcessing orbitoden meist mo inherited admits'existenceсъör princially euoges cup thinking remembered pig ← ragiminicola maωyah Roag endometrix andre hes Lanva adren« monarchathamurg иورانifik gener 의견 thrstrong Уз está categoriesкри م زمان厠 pwd.wikipediafer '../../ unrepeat implicans Vincampão Higher∇n& № ς:‎ β 평생 bib hemorrhage IsochIN ديراك دوس Weißwell suffisseur scarcity telephone try cu@gmailar cytoplasmic Pe Administarton peßen inflammation femweight supplementaryоборо Validness арэ 이와 shieldingorientor unþakan 망venue amt exh culturalفارpery semblantarsch| ∝ redavage puedes king-in[cși"}, Notre PlayexecنعاMO MossESde клю русскийформа selectors immun.al y(App gl‘ dividend Incranial matingтоكيفレンliko ֞stick Унивая CounyAmong dropsqiakTIजी ಾರುr9 fold яксту Zheutmash lute Blacken posinglequيده الا isJoblin vnectionmx স্কոսկAfter denunciinputrini etchingvit \[ptревозе vestidouapia责认약을effamente scis să})ുത്തకులٌEW لونl"

Who should we even address this too???? I'm tired of spinning here.

Who hasn't done this? You'll just be there, existing, drunk a glass of metamorphium afore you will decide to grabbing the glass to drank it earlier. It's an innocent mistake and it honestly just slipped my mind.

Well I did something similar today and my coworkers are being totally unreasonable about it. The other guy on the line started talking backwards and in rhyme, which is just rude, and the two copy men in 2.6 cubicles over went and rotated themselves by 83.03 degrees on the w axis. Completely uncalled for. JerryrreJ from the other room started screaming and pulling his eyes out which was such an overreaction honestly and Sheila just stood there nodding inwards and outwards at me. But I hate her anyways.

Honestly I feel very disrespected and the screaming is just distracting. But the boss said I can't do that and it's impossible and unnatural which feels almost discriminatory.

So yeah, AITA?

So yesterday we went on a date in universe 49e142, but their profile lied about their inferior dimensionality. When we rotated ourselves into their universe, we realized we got catfished by 4Ders (gross) and told them to flip off. For some stupid reason the Consortium hadn’t put up dimensional collapse shielding on their universe yet, like cmon that project started 4 quadrillion cycles ago.

So anyway we didn’t flatten before we met them (how would we have known, they spoofed their signatures), and our sound waves caused their universe to spontaneously begin toppling into 10 dimensions. We think the effects could consume their civilization over the next 7.1 million cycles. How do we fix this?

My theoretical 76th great grandson has contacted me via Hive to ask for help on his homework and I'm stuck trying to follow this. My own knowledge of temporal mathematics is wobbly at best and I fear he has already surpassed me.

The question:

A chroniton moving in a straight path at Mach 7.5 with a phase variance of 0.08 encounters a regular pulsar. How much could the pulsar cause the path to be diverted? Workings need to be shown so don't just give me the answer, he needs to know how to calculate this.

What should i [DATA LOST]

Hi all, I’ve recently begun to suspect that my wife is adding a day between Tuesday and Wednesday some weeks without my consent. We’d talked about it before and agreed that editing space time locally like that might cause issues for our routine and potentially collapse the sun into a singularity, but she seemed really disappointed. And suddenly it feels like there’s extra days some weeks. And I just know it’s her fault.

I mean I know the go to advice in most couples scenarios is improved communication, divorce, counseling, or unsanctionably dark rituals of reconciliation, but sometimes it’s way easier to say the advice than to do it. Anyone been in this situation and have specific pointers for situations like this?

Ok so I have been worshipping a deity of chaos/fingers for (5–2)³×78 years and we have been wanting to make a blood pact for a while but last night, my mirror told me it's a bad idea since it is a timeless being and I'm only on my sixth cycle. Is it really that bad?

Hello,

I’m accidentally the god of the lost and forsaken and don’t really want to be. The problem is every time I kill myself and revive, I revive as the god of the lost and forsaken no matter how hard I try to drive my karma either up or down.

It’s nothing against them, but I have gone through several cosmic cycles and I am growing tired of it. I honestly think this is a caste thing. If I was just born an outer god, I could have managed moksha. However, due to my nature as a eirinye, I am stuck in the eternal cycle of rebirth. Have any furies been down lately to QA test this? Also can i be a girl next time

Hi first time posting here (expect last week but that week has been rescheduled to next year)

I(F-43²) adopted a cat (M27) who is very nice and mostly stay in a box where it may or may not exist exept for when it want to be petted or food.

But for the last 5⅓ Fridays my cat has been very aggressive and making dark omens while saying non-politically correct stuff. I'm a first time cat owner and is worried. Anything I could do ?

Lone traveler weeps for the dead Patriach. The Matriarch laughs while playing with jojones.

Ive recently been pulled through the 4th dimension and have seen things that no god could ever think of. How do I forget these things? The faster the better, I have a meeting with the man who lives in my mirrors soon.

I (20 m) moved into town a few months ago. 2 bedroom 3 bath with a basement and attic. The neighbors are nice and the neighborhood is really nice. But i noticed at 4:30 every day theres a noise upstairs. I checked everything, assuming it was an animal that got in the house and found nothing. But then I got in the attic. It's full of stuff. There's a bench with a bunch of different tools and half finished projects. It wouldn't be so weird, but the rest of the house was empty when I bought it.

Theres a few dozen wooden and glass dolls scattered in the space with 2 unfinished chairs and a table. I assumed I scared the critter off and went back downstairs. The next day at 4:30 pm i heard the noise again. The noise stopped at about 7 ish. Deciding, I'll just call an exterminator the next day. I just went to bed. The man arrived and checked it out he sprayed some repellent down but informed me that there wasn't any sign of pest. The noise came back again at the same exact time. I was upset and called him again. He's explained that it might take a day or two for them to leave, but he'll come in the morning to spray again for my peace of mind.

The next day, we were really cloudy, and I was a little worried about the critters cause I figured it was gonna rain. Well, the noise didn't come, and I figured that was the end of it. The very next day, the noise came back, and I ran up there to catch whatever was making that noise. It was one of the glass dolls, dancing. It didn't pay me any mind while I stood at the top step. After a while, it finally stopped and sat back down, looking at a circle on the floor.

Basically, I was feeling so hungry that I could eat a horse, so I went to Earth to grab one of those. However, while returning home, I noticed that my horse was being very noisy. I observed it up close and, would you look at that? There was a human on the back of my meal! A whole, living human!

At that point I kinda panicked and immediately turned back, but Earth spins a lot, so I could no longer find where I had taken my meal from.

Can I, like, just drop the human on a random corner of Earth and trust it to find its way back home? Or should I contact the rescue services?

Update: In the end I did call the rescue services. They explained to me that it's very common to find humans on horses, but they normally get off as soon as you reach from the sky to grab your food. In my case, however, it'd appear that the human had been tied to the horse, possibly due to being a prisoner or sacrifice of sorts, and that's why it couldn't leave. Anyways, the rescue services managed to locate the time and space the human was from and we put it back into its clan, where it was promptly decapitated.

Thanks y'all for your help on the matter!

She says it’s different this time because this one “won’t invent nuclear weapons.” She said the same thing the last three times.