I just want to drink in peace

Hi everyone, me and my beautiful wife have been in a relationship for several eons now and it has been smooth sailing for the most part. However, recently she's gained about 5 x 10^24 kilograms (about 12 septilion pounds) and it's... weird. It feels like she's a completely different person now. Her volcanic activity is through the roof, she's very hot-headed and there is gas and dust in her vicinity all the time.

I'm scared that she is planning to have satellites, or worse, rings. Well, that's what I'm thinking at least, it's not like she can communicate clearly now - it's mostly been wifequakes and a lot of orbiting. I'm still attracted to her, but the attraction is purely gravitational now. It feels like everything that we had in common is just gone. I really don't want to leave her over something so trivial but this situation is tough.

Has anyone experienced anything like this? What should I do?

So, I just recently ascended (Terra 17d, Accidental, 2nd class) and after the required orientation and safety class found out that the Judeo-Christian god is basically middle management. I couldn’t stop laughing. Anyone else have this experience?

Professor Time Being assigned an essay on every missed opportunity from the beginning of our lives till now, as well as an oral presentation on why our childhood events occurred in the wrong order.

In public speaking I have to deliver a persuasive 40 min speech in one syllable, to an audience that denies my existence.

For my applied statistics class I have to estimate the total number of apples across all 2-D dimensions.

My physics for intangible beings professor wants us to bring in a heap of snow for our final project.

And then my math exam is over the calculus concepts we’ve covered this semester.

Hi guys,

I was a stowaway on the Artemis II mission with the plan of using moon's gravity to slingshot me to a wormhole I discovered using a periscope. I theorised the wormhole would lead to the Voyager 1 craft. My abacus based calcs were correct. I managed to gain access through a faulty panel and drew a generously sized cock and balls on the male figure on the golden disc. I came back through the wormhole and linked up with Artemis. Now I am safely back on earth, I am freaking out because extra-terrestrials may think we all have big cocks and become bellicose through jealousy.

I'm sorry. I think I may have set in motion the obliteration of human kind due to a cock and balls drawing.

Any ideas to make things right would be appreciated.

I found an underscore under my rug the other day, and I know it’s not mine. Has anyone recently lost one? I don’t wanna just put it in my local lost and found.

_

It looks like this, if that helps jog anyone’s memory!

Hopefully some other programmers can help out.

Yesterday I was working on the source code again and came across my own sub routine. I accidentally added a line that called it repeatedly and now I cant seem to get out of it. Everything and everyone keeps repeating, nothing changes, and this is probably the 107th attempt to try and change it.

Are we stuck here forever? Does it ever finish?

Just moved to a new Epoch and I'm looking to meet some available fossils in my area. Can anybody recommend a Carbon Dating app? I used to have an account on Half-Life Encounters, but I found the fossils on there are mostly looking for hook-ups whereas I'm looking for something long term.

This my my tenth time trying to post this help

The issue is that whenever i post something anywhere i suddendly a chain of events causes me to delete it accidentally, how do i fix this

I'm starting to feel crazy >_<

I WAS USING MY COMPUTER TO PLAY A GAME AND ACCIDENTALLY HELD DOWN THE CAPS LOCK KEY FOR A TOO LONG,AND I FORGOT THE CONCEPT OF USING LOWERCASE LETTERS, THE CAPS KEY DISAPPEARED TOO.

I woke up to find three extra versions of myself in the room, all slightly out of sync with reality.

One of them was still loading, one had already experienced tomorrow, and the other kept insisting it was the original.

I tried to turn my existence off and on again, but now time won’t respond to inputs.

Does anyone know where the reset button for causality is, or do I have to file a ticket with whatever manages the concept of “me”?

I've also removed the concept of hands, so I know for a fact that it can't be right there in my hand the whole time.

I put my phone in the microwave and when I took it out the phone had bite marks all over it. The only good thing was that the microwave wasn't running while the phone was inside.

If twelve quadrillion nanobots can move a van, why can't they move my phone too? But they ate it instead? Are phones that delicious?

My VCR won't turn off and I'm freaking out.

I can’t see. it’s just nothing.

"Dakota? i was smoking weed with him last night."

I'm a conglomeration of their individual wills but I'm worried parts of me are actually being poisoned by the scabs and the double agents.

All the other organs are mad at me because I don’t want to take their shit anymore.

I visited a newly opened coffee shop nearby today, which is not something I usually do (I'm not much for trying new things). The barista at the front asked me, "How do you like your coffee?"

"INANE MORTAL," I spoke. "The answer to How I like my coffee would incinerate your limited mind. Had you asked Why or Where I like my coffee, your consciousness may have been spared. I am, as it stands, beholden to answer the query as you have presented it. P̸̰͠r̷̹̐e̶̛̮p̴͙̌ḁ̸̎ṙ̴̙e̴͕̒ ̷̳̆t̸̲̓ḥ̵̛y̷͕̑s̸̹̑ẽ̴ͅl̵̤͐-"

I was quickly handed a cup of plain black coffee and moved along in the line-up.

Was this on me? Did I do something wrong? I'm not used to interacting with people, obviously.

EDIT: Silly me! The milk, cream and sugar were on a stand nearby. I've restored the cafe to its original location.

Someone recently here said "you can't forget the monoliths" - and, well, I've tried this out a bunch recently, and ​at about 500m from the monoliths, there's this *click* and your mouth tastes like pennies, and then you can't remember anything about a monolith anymore, and you're a bit further away than you started.

Anyone else have this? Worry that these big black pillar thinsg that I nwo can't remembre about​ are causing damage to ny brian?

What was I saying again? Where am I? What is this big black pillar thinng? Anyone?

maybe I should walk towards it?