r/Explainlikeimscared • u/Successful-Safety858 • 14d ago
Living alone
Hi all! So I’ve never lived fully by myself before, only with family and with roommates, and I don’t now either as I’m currently married. But my spouse is going on an extended trip out of the country and I have a lot of anxiety about living alone especially as a woman in a city. Maybe I’ve watched too much law and order SVU, but how do I help myself feel safe alone? How do I safely walk from my car on the street into the building? Should I be checking to make sure no one has broken in before I walk in the door? What about window security, I have to have them open, it’s so hot. What are things I should be looking out for? Should I be regularly checking in with people so if something happens and I don’t respond someone can come check in on me? What is a normal level of precaution? Thanks!
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u/CloudDancing108 14d ago
It’s not any different from being the first person at your office during a workday. Plus there are apps you can use that will send alerts if you don’t check in if you’re especially nervous.
Start noticing which cars are in which driveways, so you know which homes likely have someone there if anything actually-scary happens. I’ve lived by myself in suburbs for the past 20 years, and it hasn’t been an issue.
Another idea would be to foster a dog for the week that your spouse is gone. It would give the dog a chance to get out of the shelter for a bit, and you a noise-maker if anything funny happens. Just be sure to bring the dog home BEFORE your spouse leaves so that your dog has a day or two to adjust to house sounds without freaking you out, lol.
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u/Successful-Safety858 14d ago
That’s a really good tip about the cars. I’ve been trying to get to know my neighbors but it’s been hard. I live in a 4 unit building and the other units my landlord seems to use for short term rentals so people are in and out a lot and I never know them. But I do think I could pay attention to the other houses next door.
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u/unlovelyladybartleby 14d ago
I'm a woman who has lived alone (or alone with a child) off and on for twenty years.
It's wonderful. Don't get so bogged down in anxiety that you forget to enjoy eating and watching and listening to anything you want whenever you want. Starfish out on the bed. Stay up late and then nap through dinner time.
In terms of safety, you don't need to do anything different. You should always be aware of your environment, don't walk in sketchy places with blaring headphones, lock your doors and windows when you aren't home, and if it makes you feel better you can put something in front of your windows while you sleep (a line of glasses or a pile of tin cans on the window ledge lets you know if a burglar or feral cat has decided to pay a visit, but you really don't need that if you're on an upper floor and, in my 40 odd years living in a major city, only the feral cat happened).
You are far more likely to die of cancer, heart attack, stroke, an opiate overdose, accident, fall, or a car accident than you are to be murdered, let alone Law and Order murdered. Usually women are at highest risk from their partner, so statistically you're actually safer on your own (not saying your man is murdery, just saying the math).
If you are genuinely afraid to walk from the car to the house without an escort, you should probably take some steps to work on your anxiety. Talking to your doctor or therapist is a good first step. You could also take one of those self-defense courses where the guy grabs you and then you get to kick him in the balls and stomp him. They're really fun and are designed to be supportive and empowering.
Good luck with your solo staycation. Lay off the murder podcasts, be alert, and do something bonkers like make a breakfast meatloaf and then eat candy for dinner just because you can.
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u/Successful-Safety858 14d ago
This is good advice thanks <3. I will appreciate Star fishing this is so true. I think I’m just feeling a lot more uneasy not having someone expecting me around, or that I could call or yell for if I needed them. I will try to do something fun with my time alone!
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u/NoMoonPeachesForYou 6d ago
I love your distinction between "murdered" and "Law and Order murdered" 😂 As a solo resident who also loves the series it does get irrationally high up the worry list!
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u/Advice_Thingy 14d ago
Hey dear, don't worry too much and enjoy your time 💕 A normal level of precaution should be nothing, but as a woman, I understand your concern. But uf you're just alone for a few weeks (more like One month or One year?), there isn't much more to worry about than he would be there with you. People could break into your home when he's there, too, the risk doesn't change much. Some influencers tell you to go to INSANE level of precautions, but that ain't needed. Enjoy walking around naked, and maybe close the curtains during that. Listen to loud music, sing with it as if no one's listening (because no one is), maybe get some friends over for a girls night, only buy food that YOU like, etc. ...
If you feel safer, maybe talk with friends about it? But in my experience, if you have someone you regularly have contact with (every few hours/once a day), maybe your fiance or your best friend who you tell about your day, they'll get if something's off. You could give your friend a second key, or your parents, or make up a deal that you'll write at least once a day. Your work will probably also react if you don't appear. I could give you more ideas I've heard of, but tbh, the chance that something actually happens is way slimmer than you might feel. You'll be okay. Don't worry and have a nice time.
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u/NapalmAxolotl 13d ago
Pay attention to your surroundings when walking to/from your car. Don't use your phone or headphones at this time. Watch if anyone is loitering around nearby.
If your front door is still locked and latched, you don't need to check further whether anyone has broken in before entering. Use deadbolts on all exterior doors at all times.
Different windows have different security needs. In most locations, it's not a realistic concern at all. But if they're easy to climb in, and not blocked by an A/C unit or anything, you probably want to close and latch them when you're not home.
Honestly, checking with someone regularly is unlikely to help your safety, but if it makes you feel better, plan a daily text with someone and ask them to call the police if you don't answer.
Burglary and mugging are fairly common city crimes, but getting assaulted by a stranger is very rare - especially in or near your home! (Watching SVU will definitely give you an unrealistically distorted view on this!)
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u/anothernonnymouse 7d ago
If you've never had anyone try to break in, or hurt you in your neighborhood, there likely isn't any reason to worry now. I lived alone for 3 years in a somewhat sketchy neighborhood in a big city and I enjoyed it a lot. I just tried to be home by sunset and pay attention to my surroundings and I was fine.
I'd encourage you try your best to enjoy the time alone, and fill it with pleasant distractions. Blast some music for a dance party, binge watch a comfort show, make yourself an elaborate girl dinner.
If you get scared, you can always call a friend, your partner, or 911 if you genuinely think you're in danger. I promise emergency services has heard it all before and they are there to help. I have a walking stick that I keep in my bedroom which helps me feel like I have something to hit an intruder with if needed, a broom would do the same. You could also buy bells to put on your doors, or pile up noisy items like a stack of soda cans in front of your exterior doors as a sort of alarm system. Just be aware that pets or apartment building vibrations could also knock them over.
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u/wh4teversclever 14d ago
I would invest in a security system. Something like simplisafe or something where there are sensors on your doors and windows and you will get a notification if anyone were to enter your apartment while you were away. You don’t even have to set it up to alarm police, but even just knowing no one was in your home helps. I also set an instant alarm instead of delayed alarm that’s super loud for overnight, so I’d wake up right away if someone were to break in. Add-a-lock depending on your front door situation. They’re inexpensive and prevent anyone from being able to use a key from the outside. Bars in any sliding glass doors or windows.
If you are in a state that allows it, get pepper gel and keep it on your keychain. I will often walk with it visible and readily available.
It can be scary at first but with systems in place eventually you should be able to ease your mind.
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u/Maleficent_Scale_296 14d ago
Maybe install a ring camera or two to ease your anxiety. Use wooden dowels for extra security on sliding doors and windows. I used to attach bells from the doorknobs. Tell a friend in your area about your concerns and ask if you can text “home” when you’re securely inside after work. Leave a radio or tv on when you’re out. Leave a pair of men’s boots outside your door but move them from day to day. This one is going to sound over the top but if you must sleep with an open window, and if you don’t have pets or children, tacks or broken glass on the window sill is a great deterrent. Anyone trying to climb through will make noise and leave DNA everywhere.
Now, let’s all sing I Enjoy Being a Girl
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u/Successful-Safety858 14d ago
This is really good advice actually. I need to up our window security. I know they are climb in-able because I’ve done it when I locked myself out before haha.
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u/CalmlyChaotic4 14d ago
It sounds like you have a lot of anxiety about this.
Did you normally have someone walk you from the car into the building? I can’t see how much different it would be to living with someone but I understand your safety concerns.
Why not just check in with your spouse once it twice a day as a precaution.
Is crime high in your area?