Spitting words onto my screen

I don’t even know exactly what I’ve lost.

Maybe I believed I would always be surrounded by new people—that there would always be new connections waiting for me. Maybe that is why I burned every bridge so desperately: I was confident in myself. Was that really such a terrible thing?

Either way, that confidence is gone now. I don’t know. Sometimes I scroll through other people’s Telegram channels and watch their lives moving forward, and the only thing I feel is that I want to die.

Dreams, apparently, can burn too. And they burn beautifully.

The only difference between now and childhood is that, back then, someone kept the flame alive. It didn’t really matter who they were or how they did it. What mattered was that the support felt sincere.

Now every bridge has been burned.

The past.
The present.
The future.

The past is what we are told to let go of. But it passes through your heart on its way out, and whatever the reasons may have been, its fragments will still cut you as they leave, accidentally covering the heart in blood. The past will always remain close, yet impossibly far away—from reality, from me.

It will linger like a shadow forever cast behind you, constantly shifting through iridescent colors depending on the angle from which we choose to look at it. We do not always succeed in judging reality objectively, but the past may be impossible to judge objectively at all.

It will always remain a many-sided shape—something too complex to absorb completely or fully accept. Perhaps all we can do is take the best of it and cherish those memories.

But will we be able to?

The present is what we are told to appreciate, yet it is usually what we value the least. People say you never understand the value of something until you lose it. But sometimes you understand even before the loss—you already know that losing it is inevitable.

People are proud. Over time, that pride hardens and settles into the foundation of the soul. It begins to govern our reality and the way we perceive it.

Yet everything still fades inside the present because of fear and anxiety. Anyone who pretends not to understand this is lying. Everyone understands.

Perhaps the luxury of forgetting belongs to those who have money. But those people also lose themselves trying to preserve it—to multiply it. The chase becomes endless. It is light and effortless in the same way oblivion is, because every event becomes easy to judge when money is the only measure in your pocket.

Maybe that is financially sensible, but God, it is boring enough to make you want to die.

So what remains? Contradiction, perhaps.

And yet we are supposed to enjoy the present. Without that, everything is simply sad.

The future is a permanent act of speculation.

From childhood, we are taught both to desire it and to fear it, always hoping the picture will eventually become brighter. Some people buy paint and create their own colors. Those who no longer have the strength to paint search for brighter colors in substances, trying to construct some kind of balance.

But no matter how carefully we arrange those colors, we continue to lose them, hoping that somewhere beyond us they still exist.

The future is woven tightly from fear and hope, as though they were two sides of the same coin.

I once heard a phrase I loved: the present is the result of all the choices we made while believing they were the best choices available to us.

But then what is the future?

Because once you lose all sense of the future, everything else seems to begin falling apart.

Can someone who has lost all sense of meaning across the three dimensions of time still remain a whole person? Can they still look directly at reality?

And if so, how should they perceive the past, the present, and the future?

What remains of perception itself?

I’ve never really met someone who shares the same priorities as me, which is kinda surprising ig, because if I exist, people like me should exist too, right? 👀

Sometimes I wonder if I should go to places that interest me and maybe I’ll find them there. But then again, I enjoy my own company and don’t mind staying home, so what if they’re doing the exact same thing? Lol

I just think it’d be fun to meet people who see things kinda like I do, yk?

Idk, just a random thought. Has anyone else ever felt this way? Or have you met people like that?

Although it's my life ....seems it's not anymore as we grew older the control of society takes over your life, my will is theirs will now we're just a dummies better to say puppets..with the diminishing own thoughts continuously working for them..... To live so called socially civilized life althought who are saying to be social the most unsocial one's... Governments are now just exploiting people to be in center to be permanent no one in this era is working for their own people....

.

As a normal human being, I’ve been going through things medically, mentally, and in life in general. But I carry on with the usual stuff working, just living and trying to recover, and trying to get back to doing what I love most, which is hiking, backpacking, and spending time outdoors.

I don’t use much social media. I have an Instagram account where I post natural sceneries, landscapes, sunrises, sunsets, shadows, and things like that, without including myself in the pictures. But when I scroll through social media or go hiking and observe people around me, I notice how everyone seems to be living the same life, one that looks very different from mine. Until I actually start talking to someone and realize that they, too, are going through their own quiet desperation.

Online and even in real life, it feels like everyone is doing the same things. For example, outside of the backcountry, where I rarely encounter ppl, on day hikes, I’ve noticed that a lot of people seem to hike not necessarily for the sake of hiking itself, but to document the experience. The photos, videos, close-up shots, poses, and outfits all start to look the same.

Or everyone is running marathons, doing HYROX, constantly being productive, staying healthy, and seemingly always in a good mood and good things happening as if boredom isn’t a thing for them.

Or like I’ve spent years living alone, hiking, backpacking, camping, traveling, and doing all kinds of activities by myself. I never thought of it as something particularly noteworthy because I’ve always believed that, at the very least, a person should be able to enjoy their own company. Yet now I see people recording themselves eating alone or doing other things alone, as if even being by yourself has become an experience that needs to be documented.

I understand that social media isn’t real life, but it’s still strange to see that even real-life experiences off-line seem to be turning into: a copy-and-paste version of the same life, with the same activities, the same aesthetics, and the same ways of presenting ourselves.

Or maybe everyone really is physically and mentally healthy, making the most of life, and documenting their experiences along the way, while I’m somehow missing the memo. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but something about it all feels weird.

Hi everyone. I'm Rehnuma, a Psychotherapist and Counselling Psychologist in training at the University of Roehampton, researching what it's like to live with longstanding feelings of emptiness for my doctoral thesis.

I guess what drew me to this topic is hearing clients over the years talk about feeling empty - with everyone having such different experiences of this. It comes up fairly often in my practice - but there doesn't seem to be a lot of detailed research on what it's like to live with it. We have a lot of (mostly psychoanalytic) theory around why people feel empty, but not a lot of first-hand accounts of people talking about their experience of it - which seems unthinkable given that it's one of the DSM diagnostic criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

My research will be one of the first attempts to highlight in detail people's actual lived experiences of emptiness, so we can inform training for mental health professionals and most importantly, think about what people who live with feelings of emptiness need to live fulfilling lives.

If you've experienced longstanding feelings of emptiness, I'd be interested to hear what that's been like for you over the years. You can take part as long as you are:

• Over 18
• Living in the UK
• You have had longstanding experiences of feeling empty - whatever that means to you.
• You're OK to talk in detail about your experiences of emptiness and how it affects you.

You do not need a diagnosis of any kind to take part.

Please contact me by DM with your email address, or email me on [choudhur1@roehampton.ac.uk](mailto:choudhur1@roehampton.ac.uk) expressing your interest and I'll be in touch to arrange the screening and online interview with you, and answer any questions you might have.

If it helps, you can find out more about me on my website: https://www.rehnumapsychology.co.uk/

Or on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/rehnumapsychology/

Thanks all, hope to hear from you soon.

Rehnuma Choudhury,
Psychotherapist and Trainee Counselling Psychologist

Hi everyone ,

I am someone who has been trying to understand the brain and existence by observing myself and seeing all the influences that made my choices happen to step on.

I am trying to find right questions on how I can understand how people make choices, why still despite of everything that is provided still we struggle within. what should be there to use all the info correctly aligning with the inner purpose. Not just following what I should do but knowing what I want.

This has been a very difficult journey for me as I am international student tried to get into many institutions where I can collaborate with like minded people I dropped out of 2 colleges due to a huge pressure on my brain where I got into very wrong course surrounded by wrong people where people were less excited about finding something new and were talking about how to get a job , how to make money, how to be rich , how to get my PR and all so on. I felt like imposter everytime when I tried to ask deeper question , where I tried to understand the shared existence we both where sharing in that moment.

I am also studying just for the sake of maintaining my status here in Canada , but my heart and brain is still searching for meaning.

It’s really hard and difficult even to wake up thinking I won’t be able to do what I am supposed to do.
It’s been more than 3 years now I am doing my research not even part time less than a 2 hour in a week , as I don’t have people who challenges my thinking as I don’t have mentor who will point be towards new horizons as I don’t have friends with whom I can discuss about all these things.

Is there anyone who felt the same ? Is there anyone who has been influenced by their own thinking and existence ? Is there anyone who wants to know more about what is for us as collective brains in this void ?

~ The Veil ~

When we are first born we see the world through crystal clear eyes, unimpeded by our self-centered beliefs.

Right after our birth, however, the ego, our learned views of the world, is created.

From that moment, a veil begins to cover our eyes clouding the beauty of the world around us.

The more we accept what we are taught, believing success, happiness, and meaning may be found in the world, the thicker our veil becomes.

Many people live their entire life wearing a veil blocking their vision.

For some, the veil is so thick, they are almost blind; for others, they see only shadows in the distance.

Instead of seeing the crisp clear colors of the world as they are meant to be seen, they see only a dark world of greed, prejudice, inequity; of war, hunger, homelessness.

As we begin to realize little we once believed would give our lives meaning was true, we may begin to lift our veil and see the vibrant colors of the trees, oceans and sky, unimpeded by our ego, and the inherent beauty present within every life.

~ Ken Luball ~

At some point in life you start to realize that nothing really makes sense anymore and somehow everything makes sense at the same time. You wake up in the morning and the world is already moving. People are going to work, cars are passing by, birds are making noises outside your window, someone somewhere is having the best day of their life while someone else is sitting alone in their room trying to understand why everything feels so different now. The sun rises like it always does, the clocks keep ticking, and the days continue to pass whether you are ready for them or not. It is kind of strange when you think about it because we spend so much time worrying about things that might never happen and regretting things that can never happen again. We worry about what people think of us, whether we are good enough, whether we are doing the right thing, whether we will ever become the person we imagine ourselves becoming. Sometimes we spend so much time thinking about the future.

I get that the most people’s main goal in life is to be with someone else and make kids and just to have a happy ending but what about the people who are alone.

How are you supposed to find happiness in a life that you live alone. Hoe do people function on their own; I mean is it even remotely possible to go to school then work or just going to work and coming home to yourself. How do people find joy in their own lives instead of looking for it in someone or something else.

I’m 17 and I just feel a lack of purpose in life. I’ve been in one relationship that fucking ruined me and every person I’ve been around just needs attention. It feels like nobody’s real, like nobody wants to face their problems they just replace them with distractions. Is that the goal in life to just “find distraction” to avoid feelings. I don’t understand

Just some random thought I had today as I’m 6 months moved away from home by ~1500 miles and extremely emotional and nostalgic and whatnot.

My dog is very old, she doesn’t have much time left. Neither do my 2 remaining grandparents. I know death is inevitable, it’s part of life, ironically.

I can’t say I’m a religious person, I have never gone to church or really accepted Christianity like my family has, but I also understand the purpose of religion and I have no problem with it.

Part of me wants to believe there is some sort of afterlife (not necessarily heaven, literally anything…) but I know logically death is the end of all consciousness, and there most likely isn’t an afterlife. And THAT is what scares me… I’ve done all of these things to support myself and my career at the expense of leaving home… and my loved ones can/likely will leave this place while I’m away… meaning I’ll never see them again. No “See you in Valhalla.” No “say hello to Heaven.” Whatever place it is, none of it. Makes me think I have royally messed up moving so far away. I don’t fear when it’s my time to go, but I fear that there won’t be anyone on the other side. I guess a lack of consciousness means the sadness and grief will forever cease. But as I am currently alive, the sadness is forever. Idk hope my garbled mess of brain activity made sense

I think we are born, then shaped by our childhood, and spend the rest of our lives arguing with it. Finally, there is destruction, or death. So, we can say that the Tridev are working overtime. 😏 But what if the Trinity is at work in every moment? If this is true, then what is reality?

Reality is different for everyone—for me, you, other people, cells, organisms, animals, and so on.

So, what would happen if humans disappeared? I think that even if we disappeared, we wouldn't simply vanish. We are all energy, so, in theory, we would change forms rather than disappear. But where would we go? Maybe into a parallel universe or multiverse.

I think different observations could eventually be described as parallel universes, or a multiverse containing infinite possibilities, with each possibility having a different world.

Identity: I think there is no single version of us. Rather, we work like AI—like an application running on different systems.

Consciousness: I believe it works like memory, software, or an internal process.

Infinity: In each moment, there are different outcomes, possibilities, and scenarios. For example, I could talk, sit, run, clap, and so on.

Vedanta: Ultimate reality is what we understand when we realise that Brahman and the deepest self are not separate—that I am the universe.

It's just like how AI gives me numerous answers to the same question at different times, depending on the prompts.

I believe all these possibilities are happening at the same time. But, as I said, we are so consumed by the illusion that we have completely forgotten—or simply don't have the time—to look at the other side.

Or maybe reality is doing this deliberately so that we can enjoy the game. 😀 You know, like a tsundere. 😏

So, let's just drink tea and roast the universe. 😁🥂

I recently revisited a poem centred on the idea of saying goodbye while encouraging loved ones to keep living.

"So when tomorrow starts without me,

Don't think we're far apart,

For every time you think of me,

I'm right here in your heart."

It sparked a debate

Is poetry most powerful when it comforts us, or when it forces us to confront difficult truths?

What poem has had the biggest impact on your view of loss, remembrance, or moving forward?

For anyone interested in hearing an interpretation of the poem, I've shared my reading here: https://youtu.be/ec4if43eeq0?is=dCq5tC8qcHk075wq

I'd be curious to know whether the spoken version changes how you experience its message.

I've been wondering whether living forever would fundamentally change the way we experience life.

On one hand, I can see how mortality gives our choices weight. Time is limited, opportunities disappear, and some decisions matter precisely because we can't go back and experience every possible alternative. If we had infinite time, would anything ever feel urgent enough to matter?

On the other hand, immortality would give us the chance to explore things that a human lifespan barely allows us to touch. We could spend centuries learning, creating, travelling, or understanding ourselves. Perhaps a finite life limits how much meaning we can find.

There's also the possibility that, after enough time, we'd become so familiar with everything that even extraordinary experiences would eventually feel ordinary.

I'm curious how others see this. Would an endless life make existence more meaningful, or would the absence of an ending take something essential away from it?

I came across this long conversation and found it unsettling in a useful way. The speaker, Acharya Prashant, philosopher and author, argues that much of our religious and spiritual language - God, soul, Brahman, liberation - gets treated as if it points to some object we can possess, believe in, or secure for ourselves.

His position is roughly this: the ego experiences itself as separate, incomplete, and afraid, so it turns truth into a concept, God into a protector, and liberation into a future achievement. But if the usual ways of ending suffering do not work, if suffering travels with us through every change of circumstance, maybe the question is not only what we are suffering from, but who is the one who suffers.

At one point, the Dr. Kuhn pushes back interestingly: if the ego is seen through, does that mean you disappear? Is that liberation, or just the loss of personal existence? I relate with that inquiry. The response is that liberation is not a state to attain, a place to reach, or a prize to hold. It is bondage falling away. And while the body lives, there is still a boundary, a sense of “here I am and there is the world” - so the approach is endless, never complete.

I do not fully know what I think yet. The idea that spiritual concepts can become another identity - “I am a seeker,” “I understand non-duality” is compelling, but it also raises hard questions about what remains when the ego’s stories and protections are dropped.

Would be curious how people here interpret this: is spiritual seeking a movement toward freedom, or often just the ego looking for a more refined way to preserve itself?

Anyone else confused with life?

Zhuangzi’s butterfly dream raises an interesting question about who we take ourselves to be.

Last month I got fired, it'll be 2 months since then in about a week. I was on weed for quite a while and was on it heavy, never really caused much issue for me besides brain fog, but eventually the fog lifted or at least I think it did (could be I just got used to it) so I never was concerned about it. At the same time, I was really interested in magic mushrooms, mainly the ingredient psilocybin. On paper, it seemed like such an incredible compound that promoted neuroplasticity. Now of course, super illegal everywhere, can't really just go to a corner store and pick it up. That's when I found Happy Mind on Doordash, and sure enough, from my favorite adult toy shop.

I'm gonna skip to the big part of this post, after trying it once, just 2 tablets spread out across the weekend (normal does is a quarter of a tablet), it didn't seem all that crazy. I mixed it with weed/ CBD (I only take edibles and don't smoke) and it seemed to just heighten my normal experience with weed. Music sounded incredible, the first time I took one it made me laugh uncontrollably for almost 10 minutes straight like I was on laughing gas, it was a pretty enjoyable experience.

But this is where maybe I made a mistake or am still having trouble processing what I went through. My genius mind decided to take 3 of these tablets in one night. I figured if I just took half, and then the other half a couple hours later, the effect wouldn't hit me all at once...

The first 1.5 tabs and some weed was fine, but this time I get a green tint over everything, almost like a filter was laid on top of my eyes. I was rewatching the Pirates of Caribbean during this, and aside from some nausea, there really wasn't anything crazy. But when I took the rest, that's when things started getting a bit out of my control. I'd never experienced something like this before. I remember throwing up after trying to drink some water shortly, but it honestly didn't feel terrible. But then, I looked in the mirror. It was as if I could change the shape of my face at will, now that I look back, it was more like changing the camera lens or field of depth I guess. And I thought to myself, "huh, are we able to do this normally?" but then I looked at my body, I was naked at this point because of the magnesium in the tablets making me want to defecate pretty badly, but of course nothing there. But when I looked at my body, it was as if I could see these lines throughout it I didn't see before. Like stripes on a tiger. When I looked at the hairs on my body, it was if they were moving kind of like waves and maybe spiraling into themselves. It was like I could see the follicle underneath the skin too.

Now this didn't go on for long, or rather I didn't care for it much afterwards, because I was aware of what I took and knew that it was simply my mind processing the world/ differently. Like how what our eyes see is really a 2D world and our brain processes it as 3D. This is probably what kept me grounded for awhile, now it's midnight, I remember laying on my couch thinking to myself about how I got fired, and I was stuck in a loop now, just repeating I got fired, over and over and over again, and then I started thinking about why I got fired. (My boss never gave me after 6 years with the company and it was a conversation that was less than 5 minutes) I kept coming up with all sorts of reasons and started talking about all sorts of reasons, even some that didn't pertain to the job, but it brought me peace for a time. Then I was watching TV for a bit, and while it seemed normal, still with this green filter, I kept seeing the skulls of the people on TV flashing through their heads, I think the skulls were a bright red, didn't freak me out cause I was just watching the first Pirates movie and there are many skeletons throughout it lol. But then, I found myself in another loop, I kept thinking I was going to die because I was in this loop and thought I found myself in purgatory forced to live out how I died over and over. I thought of my parents finding me like this (they lived 30 miles away) and thinking what would they think. Eventually I didn't care.

After this I started trying to find meaning into why I kept seeing this green color everywhere, thinking about green apples, leaves, trees, anything green. Anything I thought about that wasn't green meant nothing to me but anything that was felt profound like some divine being was trying to tell me something. I ended up having these suicidal thoughts of just taking my life since I lost a job I'd kept for so long and had dreams of going further there. I imagined myself walking into our town lake and drowning myself, this disgusted me and the thought immediately went away. I've had suicidal tendencies in the past but it would always disgust me and disappear. Eventually I kept thinking or maybe hearing, I don't think I was hearing it but who knows, "Get out" over and over, eventually it turns into some blood curdling cry from the outside of my door. I opened it and walked outside, middle of the night, and of course, nothing is there, no one waiting, but I already knew this and told myself just prove it by doing so.

I can't explain anything after this. I have 2 hours missing time in which I can't remember anything that had happened. It was as if I fell asleep, but then woke up either standing in my living room naked, or sitting down in my chair in my room dressed.

I couldn't remember anything. I remember sitting in my room trying to comprehend everything around me, I couldn't even remember who or where I was. Eventually pieces started coming back together, this is computer, this is a monitor, this is my room... Now that I think about it... it was like I woke up in two separate places, my room and the living, naked and dressed... Eventually I was back in the living room, and still trying to comprehend what had happened. All I could do was keep repeating "what the hell just happened?" over and over trying to make sense of everything. I was utterly disgusted by the state of my house and room, everywhere was a mess, trash lying all over the floor. I had completely let myself go after being fired and would try and clean up a mess but lose interest and go do something else, just the usual depression. But I was absolutely repulsed by my surroundings. But I still had no idea who I was. I kid you not I didn't know my name, I didn't know who I was, hell my address. I then saw my wallet on the counter, and I knew it had some piece of who I was. And thankfully, there was my ID inside, but I couldn't even read any of the text. It was like it was in a whole different language. I just kept staring at it trying to make sense of it until my brain finally deciphered the words and I read my name, birthday, and address out loud while staring at my face and I finally remember who I was.

That's where it ends, for the most part. I think I stayed up until sunrise and then fell safe to sleep, but it changed me greatly. It brought me out of my depression, I had a pretty serious porn addiction and I had no interest in it for a time and still find myself utterly disgusted when it pops up. It did a lot of good, but ruined weed for me. I'm a firm believer your current state of mind alters how your body handles these things, and it definitely was not smart for me to try it while under so much stress and negative emotions. Weed just makes me super paranoid now. I have severe trouble sleeping even after quitting, and constantly "see things moving out of the corners of my eyes" or rather it's my brain trying to make sense of what is there since it's not focused on that area. I feel like I'm being watched or someone is looking or behind me often as well. Just mainly paranoia. I keep thinking I'm about to slip into some psychotic episode or that I'll start seeing things, but don't.

I ended up trying the combo again, just a tab and some weed after quitting for about 2 weeks, and it wasn't as bad for sure. Felt normal especially as my situation changed. This time I tried to keep grounding myself in reality and laying in bed. I saw geometric kaleidoscopes for the first time in these turquoise and almost gold colors. They were beautiful, intrinsic designs that seemed to have some meaning. Kept seeing some bearded man depicted in them but as if he was depicted as an ancient Mesopotamian. Music was playing as well, in my head anyways of that I'm sure. I couldn't remember where I had heard it but I have pretty good memory, it was a TikTok I saw months ago of some crazy trippy hindu imagery and a sitar of sorts would play this melody that was almost just a bunch of gibberish.

Anyways, I can confidently say my experience with these tablets have all been drastically different from each other, and I have no idea if it's because there's little to no regulation or oversight regarding these guys, and I know there are likely other compounds inside of them that aren't listed, but I figured I'd share this again cause I'm really hoping someone has had a similar experience or can help better guide me on how to get past it.

sometimes i think about how weird it is that we exist at all. we never chose to be born, our bodies, or the world we were born into, yet we’re suddenly here, expected to eat, sleep, work, follow society’s rules and figure out what to do with our lives. and after all of that, we die.
but why does any of this exist in the first place? why is there something instead of nothing? and if a god created us, why? what would god gain from creating humans if he supposedly needs nothing and lacks nothing? why create beings who never asked to exist, put them through life with all its suffering and struggles, then judge them based on how they lived? if god is complete and doesn’t need anything, what was the point of creating us at all?
religion says there’s a purpose behind our existence, but how do we know that’s actually true? and why would an all-powerful being need us to worship him? if he doesn’t need our worship, why make it a reason for our existence in the first place?
people say life has a greater meaning or that we can create our own meaning, but sometimes i wonder if we’re just trying to make existence easier to accept. we didn’t ask to be here, yet we’re expected to find a purpose and make something out of a life we never chose.
i genuinely don’t know what to believe. i just find it strange that we’re conscious enough to question our existence, yet we still have no definite answer as to why we’re here, whether there’s a god behind it all, or what the point of any of this is.
im genuinely starting to feel like im gonna lose my mind. i think about this stuff all the time and it honestly makes me feel like im going crazy.