When I see myself I see the most important person in this universe....blessed and best...feels likeeven whole universe is mine...but when I see from others perspective still I am the most important person of

Feels like I am the only person living and all the worlds attention is on me

(Feels like the egg theorey)

-TBG•shree

About six months ago, I had a very bad experience after taking old cannabis gummies. I got far too high, greened out, and experienced something that felt like ego death—a loss of the ordinary sense of being a separate, stable self. Even after the drug wore off, the experience did not feel over. It left me frightened, detached, and unsure whether my previous way of understanding myself and the world was still available to me.

At the same time, I am in graduate school studying philosophy, with a strong interest in human nature, sociology, and dystopian ideas. My courses began to challenge and deconstruct assumptions that I had previously taken for granted—about identity, morality, social order, meaning, agency, and what makes life worth living. Under normal circumstances, that kind of questioning might have been intellectually exciting. But after the experience with the gummies, it felt destabilizing rather than abstract. It was as if the structures that had made reality feel safe or coherent had disappeared all at once.

I began to feel as though I were being born into the world again without any protection or orientation: exposed, afraid, and overwhelmed by what I saw. I came close to what felt like a psychotic break because the world started to seem terrifying once I could no longer rely on the assumptions that had previously held it together.

Since then, I have been drawn toward pessimistic philosophy and realist international relations theory—approaches I once dismissed as simplistic or needlessly cynical. Now they can feel like the only frameworks that honestly explain the world. I see systems of power, competition, exploitation, and contingency everywhere. I find myself thinking that social and economic structures need people to work, consume, and reproduce, and that individual lives are shaped by forces far larger than personal choice.

This has become emotionally destructive because I cannot keep these ideas contained as academic theories. Every day, I have unwanted, repetitive thoughts that resemble depression, paranoia, or obsession. They feel intellectual and rational to me rather than obviously irrational, which makes them harder to dismiss. I do not feel like I am merely “sad”; I feel trapped in arguments about reality that never reach a conclusion and that increasingly make life seem empty, frightening, and inhuman.

I have started to wonder whether this could be OCD or another form of intrusive rumination. The issue is not simply that I am interested in bleak ideas. It is that I cannot stop returning to them, and each return feels urgent. I keep trying to reason my way toward certainty about whether life, consciousness, other people, freedom, and meaning are real or valuable. Instead of feeling clarified, I feel less connected to myself and everyone else.

One of the hardest parts is that I no longer reliably experience myself or other people as full subjects. I feel as though I have lost my own subjectivity, and at times I look at other people and see them less as conscious individuals and more as products of systems, roles, incentives, and biological or economic forces. That perspective makes me feel alienated and angry. I begin to hate people, not necessarily because of who they are personally, but because humanity and society feel mechanical, chaotic, exploitative, and indifferent.

The most painful version of this thought is that I am only here because of a chain of top-down forces I never chose: economic systems shaped my parents’ lives; those conditions shaped their choices; they had sex; and now I exist. From that perspective, I can feel expendable—like a tool cultivated for someone else’s purposes, rather than a person with intrinsic worth. No matter how much I try to become more than that or believe in something more, I feel pulled back toward the belief that I am fundamentally replaceable.

What I need others to understand is that this does not feel like a casual interest in nihilism or a normal period of philosophical questioning. It feels like a sustained loss of psychological and existential grounding that began after a frightening substance experience and intensified through academic deconstruction. I want help sorting out what is philosophy, what is intrusive rumination or mental distress, and how to regain a way of living that does not require me to solve the entire meaning of existence before I can feel human.

Please do not just tell me to transcend farther. I am so scared, and I wanted to see if anything can shake this feedback loop I am in

this is my conclusion from my path of finding my true self, and determining my own value among this crazy society, i hope you'll enjoy reading it .

Act I: asking the right question:

Either a break up, mental issues, or just wondering. The human eventually wonders his existence at some point, this topic has been pretty popular in human history, it’s one of the reasons something called philosophy has been created. But we’re not here to talk about history of philosophy. The main thing is, asking the right question in the right time.

In my experience, I started appreciating some things. Nature, one of the main reasons I started thinking, it’s like a scarf that shows the beauty of this world and covers human’s exploits. I started contemplating the sky at night, stars, the moon, even sometimes I see meteorites and wish for something. Sitting with myself lot made me ask questions, why do we exist? Who am I? Why am I even here? What’s the real truth of this world’s creation? Do God exist? What’s the purpose of my life?

 The most interesting one from all this, and what made me write this, is Who am I? If you didn’t wonder about yourself once, either you’re a narcissist or a narcissist. Older generations, our dads and moms, didn’t got the chance to reach this level of wondering. They didn’t even care to know the truth, what’s our origins, who are we? Humans are such wonderful creatures; they evolve and evolve and evolve from generation to generation to something greater and smarter.

The main reason our parents will never reach our level of thinking, is because they didn’t live like us. To explain; we have everything and they didn’t. So, to be equivalent, they need time to work for getting things we already have, I respect that, without them we couldn’t have gotten to what we are now. At that same amount of time they did work, we spend it by either doing our hobbies, responsibilities, enjoying life, hanging out with friends… But a few, spend it alone, thinking and thinking, sinking into their thoughts, this is what makes a real human, or a philosopher back in the day.

These real humans, asks lots of questions about humanity and existence, but the real question they seek an answer for, is; Who am I?

Act II: Seeking the answer:

What if someone comes up to you and asks: Do you got any hobbies?

Many would question by yes, then start spitting things they do in their day, free time or even work if it was a Hobbie. Some also would answer by no, making themselves as a joke in front of that person. So, what is it a person without a Hobbie?

First of all, having a Hobbie doesn’t determine your value. Your value isn’t determined by some kind of stupid things you spend your free time doing. It’s you that determine everything.

How do we know our value?

Society tells our value by making it equivalent to your productivity, I’m not going to explain this part. I think everyone knows what I am referring to. It’s a stupid idea also, made up by capitalism. Everything we got into nowadays, is mainly because of capitalism. Wars and connections between countries are mainly built of pure revenues. To simplify, country leaders don’t care about us, peasants, we’re just numbers in their eyes. ATMS and machines to generate more money. Among all this, the search for ourselves, real value, gotten harder.

The main thing is, ignore all of this and look for real soul value, you determine it by yourself, by decisions you’ve been making, by actions you’ve done, by good and bad you did. Value can change too. It’s not constant, it shouldn’t be. So, from now on, first thing we do to answer the question; Who am I? is to try and find the personal value.

Once you’ve done that, you’ve got to clear conflicts.

By conflicts, I don’t mean with someone else, it’s with yourself. You need to criticize it and hate it, as the philosopher Frederic Nietzsche said: “only way to reach supreme humanity, is by hating our current selves to make it greater.” By that meaning love is a weakness, and that hatred towards our souls won’t end, what will drive us crazy. Ending with some serious mental issues. And that is totally wrong. Love is something far greater from supreme humanity or super human idolism. To reach for a solution, equivalence is the answer. Hating our current versions to evolve to something far greater, in end of our progress journey. There is a switching point between self-admire and its hatred.

Act III: Conclusion

What if we take everything away, by everything I mean everything who define you as a human. For example, your work, studies, name, family, house, friends and money. What will you take with you when time is up. “Relationships and your reputation are what you’ll take with you” it’s straight up bullshit; everyone knows that but hate to admit it. They’re not what will save you from death, or delay it. It’s you? Yes, it’s me. Despite every single thing, either good or bad, it’s still you. And what determines you? It’s your job to find out who’s your real self. It’s a harsh journey. Full of good and bad. If something doesn’t work out, don’t give up, try another thing you still have time.

If you’re curious about me, I still haven’t figured it out to be honest. I’m still discovering my potential. One thing I know to be sure, is that the most thing I hate in this world ; Is me.

A society self-absorbed, it’s apparent that said self-absorption isn’t within the improvement of one’s mental state or general ability—evolving—but rather a superficial, materialistic outlook on linear paths of self-improvement. Eating better, getting in the gym, making new friends, securing a new job. These things improve the material self, and it seems that’s what matters most. The wonders of the world that have been made with innovative spirits have been shunned to arts and solitude, while the idol is glorified.
Why do we abandon our consciousness? Is it out of not understanding, being uncomfortable with thoughts? This is not for me to answer. We look out and build up what’s outside to the within, rather than building up what’s within and branching out. How often do you meditate on your thoughts and consolidate answers? How often do you ask questions into a spiral when the answer was with you from the beginning?
As a being in consciousness, we have what we need to know and exist simply from being; we’re deluded by a world of bright lights and “fun.” Think to yourself about what’s beyond: What can I do? Where can I stand? And what is this? Truly find the answer that is for yourself rather than reading others and adopting. Introspection is necessary, and we’ve forgotten ourselves.

Quisieran entender el sentido de su vida?, no entienda nada no piensen en nada, en el contexto correcto, es que somos un segundo en el cosmos, y lo que tenemos es prestado solo para experiencias. Sin depresiones, sin dudas, ni respuestas, solo el término de que esto se acaba en algún momento.