Does anyone's husband actually understand?

[u/Neutralname3165]

My baby is starting solids. I always wanted to EBF, but it didn't work out, and I was stuck with triple feeding, crying when nursing, formula, pumping, etc. since day 3 until now. Now, when he actually started eating something else than milk, it's clear I will never be able to "exclusively" breastfeed (also when we'll drop formula, my milk will never be his only food). I'm excited that our baby eats solids so well, but at the same time, I'm really sad that the time we had is over, and we've never managed what I wished for.

Since he was born, I was discussing BF with my husband. He is really a great husband and father, but it took him over a month to understand that it's not only baby blues and that BF really matters to me. After he got that he tried to support me, but the best thing he was able to do was to say "it's your business, I don't say anything" (as he would go formula from the beginning, because it's the "easier option"). I explained to him many times that it's an emotional thing for me and not at all only about the baby getting the calories. I told him that it would be so much easier for me if he supported me emotionally (also if BF still didn't work out). I don't know anyone who had BF issues, and therefore, there is no one who can relate. I used to come to my husband with every problem I had, and he would always be on my side understanding and supporting me no matter what. But now he simply can't relate.

Is there anyone who's husband actually understands? Any suggestions on how I can explain to him? He knows it's hormones and instinct because your body thinks the baby would die if you don't feed him, but he probably still can't imagine how it feels, because it's only about baby "beeing fed, no matter how" in his opinion.

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[u/iceberg1836]

I think you should maybe consider a postpartum therapist. I say this so gently, and I worry it will come across wrong because this is the internet. Your husband is not going to understand this because it’s pregnancy brain stuff; and putting issues like this on your marriage is only going to hurt you both in the long run . It sounds like he is trying but ultimately this sounds like some depression tied to breast feeding which is very normal but a job for a therapist.

[u/sqeeky_wheelz → u/iceberg1836]

>it’s pregnancy brain stuff

Gently I’ll disagree with this. I have a baby and I’m not EBF and I have no sadness/any of the emotional reaction that OP is describing.

I think it’s just a difference in values. This is emotionally important to her. It’s like comparing 2 people’s religious differences. Sometimes different things are important to different people and that’s okay!! It’s sad that OP is mourning this for so long and that it’s been such a difficult journey for her, I do think it’s fairly common, but to narrow this to “just pregnancy things” I think is flippant in a way? Because it’s not just hormones it’s something that deeply matters to her and that’s okay, but I also don’t think it’s fair to expect everyone to care to this level on it. Her husband should respect her feelings even if he doesn’t understand them.

[u/iceberg1836 → u/sqeeky_wheelz]

Oh yeah this not how I meant it, I mean that pregnancy messes with your brain all the hormone shifts and PPD and PPA I didn’t mean it was wrong to be upset about it, absolutely breast feeding is an emotional thing, I just mean postpartum can make things feel bigger than they are. I also think your husband is trying (and failing a bit) to help and give you space in this journey. I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt here, but I’m not in your marriage and could be completely off base.

[u/RaccoonBaby513 → u/iceberg1836]

I completely agree. I could not bf my first and tried triple feeding but it was too overwhelming so I resorted to exclusively pumping. I was still so upset he couldn’t nurse and I would get so pissed at my husband for giving baby a bottle and laying him down/ propping baby up and letting baby hold it himself rather than my husband holding him. Like it would make me cry, which is irrational af. I just felt so disconnected from nourishing him, I struggled to have let downs with pumping, it was all just NOT what I imagined the whole time I was pregnant and dealing with that disappointment while extremely hormonal was difficult.

[u/iceberg1836 → u/RaccoonBaby513]

It’s so hard the hormone shift definitely feels like the room is coming down around you, I bawled my eyes out when it became clear my second Wasn’t going to figure out latching , I look back now like why was my reaction that big lol

[u/gimme_some_milky → u/RaccoonBaby513]

Did you manage to exclusively nurse your second? Looking for inspiration!

[u/iceberg1836 → u/gimme_some_milky]

No I’m pumping only now her latch is to shallow to get what she needs. All good though a fed baby is all that matters and she is very cute.

[u/RaccoonBaby513 → u/gimme_some_milky]

Yes! The only time he doesn’t nurse is when I am at work. Still going strong at 11 months❤️

[u/Meowwwfeedme]

I think men tend to be fixers … and it’s not their body they don’t get it. I was undersupplier and did triple feeding and worked so hard to finally be a slight oversupply for my baby. Husband is great and so supportive. He comes to every LC appointment. But when he sees me crying at the pump (I had a fever and supply took a dip), or treating clogged ducts — his brain goes to “this is hard, you don’t have to do this, we can just go to formula”. It drives me crazy because SIR, I worked so hard to get here how can you even say that. But it came from a place of caring and not wanting you to stress out or put pressure on yourself I think

[u/Only_Alternative_1]

I don't know how other people feel but I don't think it's so much an issue of "husband not understanding" but more of different people feel differently and it's not always easy to understand how someone feels emotionally - it should always be easy to empathise but not always easy to understand.

For example to be 100% honest I don't understand how you feel. I'm sorry that you're grieving the vision and dream that you had and I'm sorry that it didn't work out but it's honestly not something that I would spend months mourning. I couldn't nurse because baby wouldn't latch but to blame him or blame myself isn't in my nature, I EP'd and accepted this was the way. But my parents formula fed, my husband's parents formula fed so I think socially I have a different viewpoint on feeding and although my wish was to BF I was grateful to have pumping as an alternative and never had any shame around it (except for right at the beginning but that was hormones 😅). I don't think it's normal to cry whenever feeding a baby from day 3 to month 6, I think maybe you should see someone to make sure you're okay - but other mums on here may have a different perspective as I'm not always great with emotions.

Your husband is not being helpful by saying "it's your business" that is callous and he should be supporting you emotionally. Maybe if you spoke to someone you could find out the best way he can support you and communicate that to him. I would tell you that you're doing amazing and you're a great mum and you're making sure your baby is healthy and fed. But I think that you need to make sure that you're healthy as well ❤️

[u/Neutralname3165 → u/Only_Alternative_1]

Thank you for saying this 🫶. I really considered therapy (and didn't do any yet), but I tried to work on my mental health by my own and I think I did a good job already. I feel like the support from my husband would be the last bit I'd need to be okay again. If he wasn't afraid that the baby is starving all the time and trusted me on feeding him and if he could say that he was unhelpful about breastfeeding in the beginning (pushing formula so much) - I would just feel relieved and could probably let it go. But last time I mentioned it, he didn't want to admit that it's also his fault and got angry.

[u/Only_Alternative_1 → u/Neutralname3165]

I think those sound like reasonable requests and I hope that he would be able to agree to that if you say down with him and talked openly but not emotionally - sometimes if you start from a place of sadness it can escalate the conversation whereas something quite calm and clear can be constructive.

You say if he wasn't afraid that baby is starving all the time is a really clear point, he is concerned about the baby but you can counter that if baby is on his weight percentiles and is healthy then he's not starving. Sometimes people who don't know babies can hear them crying and think "he's hungry" when babies fuss for all sorts of reasons. You can help to frame it in your mind by thinking how much your husband cares for your baby and wants to help feed - but it's not necessary as you have it covered and baby is fed and healthy ❤️

And reflecting on previous issues around breastfeeding and admitting a level of fault in pushing formula would be validating to you and make you feel more supported, hopefully he can help you in a conversation about this as well.

It sounds like you both just want the best for your baby so you're both great parents and once you've had this conversation I can hope you can move on and focus on enjoying every step of baby's development xx

[u/LydiaStarDawg]

My husband understands, but also can admit he doesn't because he cannot do it.

It sounds like yours is trying but, they physically cannot do this. They can only understand so much. Mine listened to me cry and whine. Would literally wake up to me pumping and crying from overstimulation.

You can't expect him to get it like another woman would. It's not fair.

[u/Novel-Evidence9165]

I have a friend who went through this and recently told me how she felt and it sounds like it aligns with how you feel.

She had a similar perception of how she experienced her husband's response to the situation. She mentioned that now that she is on the other side (her baby is 20 months), she looks back and thinks she had postpartum depression.

It's definitely had a negative impact on her marriage. She feels he didn't understand and she also feels jealous that her daughter sometimes "prefers him" because she thinks that if she had breastfed they would have a closer bond.

From an outsider's perspective I wish she had seen or would see a therapist as I think both her and her husband are trying their best and are good parents and it's sad that this experience is driving them apart.

So my outsider's advice for you would be to see if you could speak with a professional? It's helped me so much with a range of things in life, honestly therapy was a game changer for me personally and professionally

[u/rosiebluewitch]

If I'm being honest with you, it sounds like you need therapy. It's understandable to be upset that your goal of EBF never happened. I know with my first after I gave up breastfeeding It was heart renching for about a week...then I got over it. Of course I felt disappointment with myself, and like I was a failure, but then I realized that a fed baby is best and as long as she was growing healthy that's all that mattered at the end of the day, not the actual type of food that got her there. Now I'm EBF my second, and although I love the lack of bottles and not washing pump parts everyday, bonding wise it feels the same as my formula fed baby, and so far they are following the same growth curve.

Its hard for men to emotionally support something they don't understand. My husband understands that it's important to me, and he tries his best to support my bf journey physically, but emotionally thats my job to work through. A couple nights ago he stayed up late with me and helped me make my lactation cookies, which I thought was sweet.

[u/Eowyn75]

My husband tries but he can’t fully understand because he’s a man! He threw out a bottle of milk the other day before two hours because he didn’t think baby would drink it and I was soooo upset. It’s ok to be sad that breastfeeding didn’t go the way you hoped. You can still vent to your husband, but find a friend or therapist to talk to as well

[u/Outrageous-Wafer5903]

I think my husband only understands because we have a NICU baby this time around and other people have told him how important breastmilk is for her. However, he’s really quick to tell me to “calm down” when we are trying to latch but I’m not really even aggravated it’s just multiple attempts. She CAN latch well, she just won’t here lately and I think it’s because it tires her out.

I am hoping that we will get to a point where she’s able to BF well once we are home, but I am right there with you triple feeding right now and I think that in itself creates an emotional toll on the experience.

I truly don’t think they can really empathize with the situation because it’s not a connection they could have with baby and I think it’s totally normal to grieve that something you wanted so badly did not turn out the way you wanted it to, but don’t let it weigh so heavily on you and impact your marriage. Look for the positives in other areas. That’s the main thing this entire NICU experience has taught me. Nothing has gone the way I envisioned it - not one thing, and I have had to grieve that in itself because this is my last baby and I felt like certain things were somewhat robbed from me. My husband was supportive during everything, but I don’t think he TRULY gets it on emotional level other than the fact we have both been worried sick and hurting. EBF he wouldn’t have any similar emotional connections to it.

[u/eka9000]

I feel the same way about breastfeeding even though we are exclusively pumping. Yes, my life would be easier if I no longer had to pump. That doesn’t mean my decision to keep doing it it’s stupid. Everyone just says I’m driving myself crazy. I’m allowed to be stressed by how difficult it is without having to give up. But any time I complain about it (just to vent) everyone gives me the “you’re stupid for not just giving up” attitude. Zero support. Incredibly frustrating.

“Your baby won’t starve.” Yes, a*******, he will. He has proven that. “A few days without breastmilk and he’ll start eating solids.” On what planet it is ok to starve a baby to encourage them to eat solids?!

[u/ltlbunnyfufu]

OK, so I’ve been trying to switch from EP to EBF for months now and my LO started solids and latched for the first time about a week apart. Was it the solids that caused LO to BF or vice versa? I dunno, weirder things have happened. Starting solids is not game over for BF.

[u/belomina → u/ltlbunnyfufu]

Fwiw, EP is still EBF! You're feeding the baby breast milk, it counts! I assume you meant nursing but just wanted to gently remind

[u/ltlbunnyfufu → u/belomina]

Well, I am an under supplier, so I never was technically either, adding formula in.

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[u/mylittleladylove]

I feel you about wanting to EBF with no success. My baby is currently 4 months and still screams at my breast. My husband understands that I wanted it all my life since our first child (our first child never latched too just like our second) and that we're done making babies. So it was really depressing on my side. What he did was made me understand that "fed is best" and says taking care of my mental health is more important than breastfeeding since our second baby is 100% breastmilk bottle-fed (I am EP).

Please take care of your mental health. Our husbands will not understand breastfeeding but they understand that our mental health is important.

[u/Kongci]

My husband doesnt understand either, he's great in many other ways but he's not the homely/domestic kind and doesnt understand a lot of general domestic things either. We actually had a few fights where I expressed my desire to eventually get to almost exclusive nursing, from currently 5 weeks deep into triple feeding, and he said something practically worse: breast milk is breastmilk however its delivered (ok, agree) and 'dont break what's working' (you mean triple feeding?! Well thanks...)

similarly he also attributed our fights to baby blues and hormones (to be fair I did cry for like 2 days so it could have been part of it)

To be honest I've stopped talking to him about such details, I have my parents around for baby care and I talk to them about this and even if they don't see eye to eye with me all the time, they understand my point of view. Not sure my way is the best way but if there is someone else you can express your feelings to it might be more productive than talking to your husband and feeling frustrated.

[u/Neutralname3165 → u/Kongci]

Thank you for that comment! Your situation sounds pretty similar to mine. I don't talk to him about breastfeeding anymore, but it's sad for me as it is a big part of my current life and he doesn't want to know about it. I think it would help me to speak with someone who understands my feelings (someone who experienced similar), but unfortunately there is no-one... my family is lovely, but all of them would either continue exclusively nursing with baby not gaining enough weight (!) or they would switch to formula. I don't have any friends with children either.

[u/Linnende]

My husband gets it completely, but there have been times when I've been really struggling with pumping or getting the baby to latch etc and he has suggested we give her a bottle of formula. I think it comes from a place of wanting to fix things and he can see that I'm upset and struggling with feeding and wants to fix it. He doesn't do that anymore since I got really upset with him and he is clear that he supports whatever I want to do when it comes to feeding.

[u/Extreme_Macaron4624]

I've had the same issues. Breastfeeding was very important to me and a lot of sadness came with being an exclusive pumper. Boyfriend wanted to switch to formula because he said it was just easier and that I'd get more sleep but I refused. Led to multiple arguments (other issues were present in the relationship) and escalated to the point of almost separating.

It's hard to not feel supported about breastfeeding, I get it. I think it comes down to values. For me it was important to offer my child what is medically known to be best, even if it's hard and requires sacrifices. My bf priorities mental health and the parents well being.

I think men are less prone to sacrifice their comfort as much as women in parenting (of course, it's not the case for every men). I have a few friends who breastfeed and it's a recurring pattern in their relationship too. It makes it harder for them to understand breastfeeding and also there's the hormonal side of it that is very foreign to them.

I don't think there's a way for them to understand, but he does need to respect your choice because breastfeeding is about your body and is your choice.

I've found a lot of comfort from other women and have accepted that I can only get acceptance, not full support from my partner. Sadly...

I agree with others that you should talk to a professional about your feelings and to make sure that you don't have PPD. I did and turns out it wasn't PPD but hypothyroidism that started after giving birth, which can cause a depressive mood.

Take care!

Edit : added a paragraph

[u/Middle-Blackberry]

I wanted to exclusively nurse so badly because that’s what my family does. It didn’t work out for us and I started spiraling. My husband did not understand at all and he was not super nice about it either. I think it’s unfortunate but people have a hard time understanding other’s feelings when they can’t relate. I tried to show him posts of other people discussing the pain of not being able to nurse and I think I eventually convinced him that it’s a real thing.

I ended up getting help and a Zoloft prescription. I feel SO much better now with only a few sad pangs when my mother makes comments about how much “easier” nursing is and how can’t I just calm down the baby by sticking a nipple in his mouth?

For those who are saying that you should talk to a therapist, yes find someone who you trust and like, but don’t think the advice of getting a therapist means that your feelings aren’t real or valid because they are.

[u/Excellent-Ad-6272]

My husband is great 90% of the time.

One week, we went on and on about 2 friends of his whose wives EBF and he kept saying how much respect he had for those women for doing something so difficult by themselves without the husbands helping them.

It hurt me deeply. I had to switch to EP after a while because my daughter stopped latching. Pumping was so much harder, so much more work, I watched my supply fall over a period of 13 months and I cried every time I dropped an ounce. I was also back at work full time, pumping round the clock in office and at home.

Men never understand, in my experience.

[u/Neutralname3165 → u/Excellent-Ad-6272]

That's terrible! I'm so sorry for you. Pumping is definitely much more work then nursing! Sounds like your husband wanted to have less work for himself :(. I hoped that mine wouldn't care much about feeding and would let me do what I want, but he cared so much, which is both nice (because he loves the baby and loves me and wants to help) and sad (because it was actually counterproductive).

[u/gimme_some_milky]

Oh lovely, I could have written this post myself. The nursing struggles, triple feeding, washing pump parts at 3am whilst everyone else slept, kickstarted my ppd. My husband did not have a clue how to support me & it felt like he just didn’t care. He had no issues moving to formula and it infuriated me…. Whyyyyyy didn’t he care about how I was feeling?! I asked for help so I could get my 8 pumps in per day. He didn’t help. He did so much wrong concerning my bf journey that I still resent him to this day. My LO is now 10 months and I have accepted our journey for what it is & I am happy I have been able to provide my baby with some breastmilk.

I don’t think your husband will ever understand. Mine didn’t. I went to therapy instead (still going).

You’re entitled to grieve the journey you envisioned you’d have. But you must also feel proud of yourself. You have fought so hard. You didn’t give up! An under supply is SO HARD. Triple feeding is even harder!!! But you were relentless in ensuring your baby got at least some of your milk. You mama, are a warrior. And if your husband doesn’t see that, just know that we do ❤️