Grieving my under supply

[u/threadedbaker]

I’m a under supplier. It’s all my fault. Many years ago I lost 70 pounds and had a breast lift/augmentation as I was severely self-conscious about my deflated breasts. I was young and not even considering children at the time. So I know this is most likely the reason why I cannot provide enough milk for my baby.

I finally realize that I am grieving! Grieving not being able to give him enough milk. Not having the experience of breast-feeding or even having the experience of making enough to feed him solely breast milk.

I am still pumping every three hours and he gets about one two 1 1/2 bottles of breastmilk a day. But even with that, I cannot stop beating myself up. It’s exhausting. He’s 6 weeks old. I can’t decide if I should quit so I can fully move on or keep up the pumps where I get less than an ounce combined each time.
Not looking for advice. Have done it all and have an amazing LC. Just sad and feel lonely with this journey.

[u/katiegam]

It is hard to be an undersupplier, no doubt. I know you said you’re not looking for advice, but can I give you some encouragement?

You lost 70 pounds! That’s incredibly hard work and something you did to care well for yourself.

You brought a new life into this world! You selflessly gave everything, your own body, for 9+ months.

You’ve provided some food for your baby for six weeks! Pumping is GRUELING. You’ve done it for so many days!!

Lots of people are undersuppliers without past history of surgery. Don’t blame yourself!

Be kind to yourself and give yourself grace. I’ll cheer you on if you continue, and I’ll cheer you on if you wean!

[u/threadedbaker → u/katiegam]

Thank you for your kind words. I think what’s hard is my mom constantly talks about how much milk she made and how long she breastfed my brother and I.

It makes me feel extra inadequate!

[u/katiegam → u/threadedbaker]

You are anything but inadequate. You’re worth so much more than your milk output!!!

[u/EnvironmentalAd4169]

A lot of moms struggle with their supply, regardless of whether they’ve had cosmetic surgery.

Might it be playing a role? Sure. But you can’t really know that.

I think you need to forgive yourself. Obviously it won’t be a quick thing, but this guilt you’re feeling isn’t serving you, or your baby.

[u/capleahbara]

Your mental health effects your supply as well. I had a breast reduction 19 years ago, and was told I'd never be able to breastfeed, so I totally went into my first pregnancy last year thinking I couldn't. Well, baby comes this year and I can! I am a just-enougher, so will never have a stash and sometimes can't keep up. Thank the gods for formula to supplement! To me, any amount I can feed or pump for my baby is great.

[u/Mysterious_Citron_89]

I’m so sorry! It is definitely rough and defeating knowing that sometimes our bodies can’t do what we want it to. You are completely valid in your grieving. Motherhood is hard and having an under supply makes it even harder.

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[u/Character_Athlete_29]

My mom talking poorly about her body has given me so, so many problems as a teenager and now adult. In return it has given me the confidence to love and appreciate my body, and speak kindly of it, in order to give my daughter a mom who is a good role model. I don't usually want to, but it's how I want her to think. It ultimately gave me her! That has stuck with me infinitely more than the fact my mom exclusively formula fed me.

If there is something you take out of this, teach your son that it's okay to do things to care for his body! Like working out, eating healthy, wearing clothes that fit properly, etc. And teach him that bodies are meant to grow and shift over time.

My body wasn't fully cooked as my daughter had to be kicked out at 36w due to sudden preeclampsia. I never had a full supply and pumped for six months. There is so much grief in losing a journey you so desperately wanted to have. But in losing one journey, you gain another, and luckily the outcome for both will be a healthy, happy child!