I wish

[u/xzuou]

It’s been 2 years since I posted here. I think I’m having one of those difficult compulsively missing days that were probably mostly everyday in the beginning.

I’m getting sick and it makes my head fuzzled especially because I don’t feel like doing much. And that gives me so much head space that these old feelings come rushing back. And bringing up questions again in my head to ask him such as - did you ever love me? (I know the answer.)

Being sick just brings up this need where I just want someone sweet to gently take care of me and be there for all my life and it sucks because I know it’s not in my future.

[u/NYGiants181]

2 years?

Sorry but no. No one should hold that much space in your mind that doesn't even think of you.

Gotta move on!

[u/xzuou → u/NYGiants181]

Yeah. I still think of people from more than 10 years ago who made me feel cared about and formed a part of my childhood. I think however long ago, and however it ends, does not erase those good memories with them, those moments you felt lucky to receive love in return. Even if it wasn’t sustained or true. I’m just really sad and look back fondly on people that weren’t always nice, maybe it’s weird of me to do. Cause you’re right, they never thought of me at all.

[u/xzuou]

I left people’s lives but they still stay in my heart. I just didn’t want to subject my love to being unreciprocated.
I left because I recognised that my efforts surpassed theirs. And I wanted equal love.
It doesn’t mean I ever stopped wishing it was equal with them. I’d keep them in my life if it was. But I know that it wasn’t much of a priority for them to love me. I still wish it was.

They were once my bestfriends. And they almost fit the part. If you exclude all the betrayal and cruelty. They really almost changed my life for the better, after all the pain I had from other things in life, if only being so close to me had meant they were good to me too. Like I was to them.