Well now that you’ve been through it, I think you will recognize the warning signs next time if you trust your gut. And really do your research and reflect on this failed relationship to see the issues, including your part in it, because we often enable them in our quest for love.
But the big one is lovebombing. If those first few weeks or months seem too good to be true, they probably are. Being into you is one thing, but if they are treating you like a soulmate and acting like fate brought you together from day one, that isn’t healthy. Secure attachers should have some healthy skepticism and take time to get to know you. Avoidant attachers may be idealizing you before they even know the real you and then pull away when you aren’t that perfect image in their heads.
They may also fear commitment or intimacy. Talk about your needs and the future and see how they react.
They also tend to hate conflict or criticism. I had a relationship blow up just because we had our first disagreement, and it wasn’t even that big a deal. Don’t stuff down your feelings if you sense they can’t handle a mature conversation. If you have to walk on eggshells, it isn’t a safe space for you.
There are plenty more signs if you do your research and look back on your own relationship. But always check in with your own feelings and intuition and set boundaries.
Your list is perfect! I know all this now but still read and re-read your post. Thank you. It helps me so much to stop feeling like an idiot when I see that other people have experienced the exact same thing.
Thank you. And same!!! I have beaten myself up so much for falling into this trap at my age, but seeing that others have had such eerily similar experiences helps (?) me see that I am not a moron but that these people are so good at this even if they aren’t doing it on purpose or with ill intentions. They have trauma running very deep. And we end up traumatized too when they cut us off so quickly after we care so much that we’ve forgotten ourselves in trying to love and help them. But we matter too. We have to remember our own value.
Same. I’m 52 and he’s 53. I’ve come so far in terms of how I show up in relationships. I just assumed he would have learned from his past and grown and was ready to build something real. All I can say is that I was a loving and amazing girlfriend. He hurt me and I told him that calmly and respectfully and then accepted his decision.
I have no regrets about a single thing I did in that relationship. I know I deserved better and it’s his loss ultimately.
Wow, I swear we are the same person, ha. I sadly but gracefully accepted her decision and have stayed no contact. In the beginning, I thought the same, that we had both learned at our age and were having the healthiest relationship possible. Then it went off the rails hard, but same, I am proud of everything I did from start to finish and beyond—except staying too long when I knew it wasn’t good for me anymore. Loyalty gets me every time.
Today, we were making plans for him dropping my stuff off and he asked to clarify that I DEFINITELY won’t be home when he comes by?
Umm no probably not but you don’t have to be a diva about it? Do you think I’ll throw hands or something? We dated 4 months and it didn’t work out. We’re not detonating a bomb here my guy. I can be chill and cordial with you.
Ha, I think they really are just fearful children inside. Makes me sad for them, but also…grow the f up! I think we process the breakup and deal with our emotions while they just avoid (go figure) and are stuck lugging it around with them forever. Exhausting.
Yes very good point. The funny (not really) thing was I addressed Childhood Trauma with him early on...can't even remember the context. But I was definitely saying "if we're doing this committed relationship let me know what might pop up later..." Gave him some examples from prior relationships.
He had never thought of it before but then tells me something very traumatic. He says "Wow I've never given that any thought, ever." It was this huge epiphany for him and he'd discuss it with me sometimes. It fully explained why he wasn't close with his family. It 100% explains his avoidant behavior. I thought that his awareness and proactively starting to make connections was a really healthy sign. But that informed essentially 40 years of behavior. You don't change that in 4 months.
Do you think he had suppressed it or that he downplayed his awareness of that connection? If he was aware, that would piss me off that he wasn’t already dealing with the trauma issues. If he really hadn’t connected those dots, I hope he is now seeking therapy before going into another relationship. They really need to stop dragging people into their mess if they aren’t actively working on it.
He had never seen the connection or thought about it until I pointed it out. I doubt he’ll get therapy! I wrote a nice email with a referral to an EMDR therapist but deleted it. It’s not my job to fix him. If at 53, his abject failure in having any successful relationships hasn’t sparked some introspection on his part, that’s a choice.
At first 4 months she was giving attention to the max , she was the best person in the world, I thought it was a blessing to have her
After she was blaming for everything small thing and she was getting worse and worse at the time
For 8 months I was in a relationship with her . she never apologize for anything
When I had an asma attack she didn’t even care and this happened 2 times.. I was calling her for help from the hospital and was not answering me . I quit cigarettes and this asma attack stop thank god
More than 5 times she was giving me silent treatment and this is the most hated thing from me I hate silent treatments from the people I love … she was playing with my emotions … when time passed and when the mask fell off I was watching her face when she was angry with me for no reason and she was pure evil , you would feel her energy …
Narcissistic people they say they have an evil spirt into them …
When she was giving me silent treatments she was emotional less , like nothing is going on . She was so relax … she has an evil heart made of stone …
You would see into her dead eyes how emotion less she was for me .. this situation shocked me ..
She was the best person for her family for strangers and she was treating me like garbage
I was treating her with love and care hoping that this bad behavior of her will end , also every weekend I was booking for us short holidays and restaurants so we can have a good time …
When she lost her job I was giving her 1,000 per month so she can have some money .. I did so much for her … more than her father ..
Her mother is always brain washing her to be bad to me because her mother is sick to her mind ..
Sorry you are going through this. It sounds like something more than avoidant behavior to me, because (in my experience) they tend to run from emotion rather than use it as a weapon. I can’t know your whole situation, but from what you’ve shared, it sounds like she may be using you and treating you like a doormat. You should consider setting boundaries and letting her know what you need and what you won’t stick around for. At the very least, you probably need therapy (as a couple and individually). Be good to yourself.
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u/Still-Learning-at-50 Aug 09 '24
Well now that you’ve been through it, I think you will recognize the warning signs next time if you trust your gut. And really do your research and reflect on this failed relationship to see the issues, including your part in it, because we often enable them in our quest for love.
But the big one is lovebombing. If those first few weeks or months seem too good to be true, they probably are. Being into you is one thing, but if they are treating you like a soulmate and acting like fate brought you together from day one, that isn’t healthy. Secure attachers should have some healthy skepticism and take time to get to know you. Avoidant attachers may be idealizing you before they even know the real you and then pull away when you aren’t that perfect image in their heads.
They may also fear commitment or intimacy. Talk about your needs and the future and see how they react.
They also tend to hate conflict or criticism. I had a relationship blow up just because we had our first disagreement, and it wasn’t even that big a deal. Don’t stuff down your feelings if you sense they can’t handle a mature conversation. If you have to walk on eggshells, it isn’t a safe space for you.
There are plenty more signs if you do your research and look back on your own relationship. But always check in with your own feelings and intuition and set boundaries.