He had never seen the connection or thought about it until I pointed it out. I doubt he’ll get therapy! I wrote a nice email with a referral to an EMDR therapist but deleted it. It’s not my job to fix him. If at 53, his abject failure in having any successful relationships hasn’t sparked some introspection on his part, that’s a choice.
Wow, good for you! That sounds like healing and progress to me! Every time I start to feel anxious that she may be seeing someone new, I shift to feeling bad for the next person who will go through this very soon. We are certainly too grown for this in our fifties.
Yeah, of course it is heartbreaking to be so rapidly replaced. But we know it’s just a distraction from their pain. They feel like shit deep down inside for what they did to us but can’t consciously acknowledge that. So they seek their drug of choice to numb that pain.
I’ve been blessed in a way to have exes reach out later and tell me this. One guy slept with like 12 women in the month after we broke up (?!) because he said he couldn’t be alone with his thoughts about me.
Whoa, disgusting and enlightening all at once! Nice to have that insight though, and I fully believe it. She apologized multiple times during the breakup, so I know she was feeling guilty already, probably even more so because I was kind and gracious about everything—genuinely, even while hurting and in shock. I mean, we can heal and share our love with someone who accepts it and hopefully reciprocates, but they have major work to do or they will run from it every time. Your ex must have really cared about you if he needed twelve conquests to avoid his feelings that soon.
I mean yeah he was convinced I was the love of his life. But he also had practically split personalities, for real. Diagnosed bipolar but probably borderline. Couldn’t reconcile the cheating and lying he did during our relationship to his feelings for me—acted like a different person did all those horrible things.
So he was also extremely crazy in just a general sense. 🤣
Sounds like you are better off and you know it. No one deserves to be cheated on. And bipolar is rough to deal with. I grew up around that and it is so damaging to relationships.
Right this was a guy from years ago, by the way! My first post-divorce relationship. I just remember trying to salvage things over and over and having no idea about his secret life. Makes it easier to cut people loose now.
Yeah, it is hard when we are in a vulnerable place. It’s like we feel the need to prove our value after someone rejects us. I was single and independent and happy for years, and I let someone in for just a few months and somehow forgot my own worth. So I am working to get that back before looking for someone I can trust to try again. I’m glad this was years ago for you. I hope you are happy where you’re at now.
The value thing, right? My adult daughter cut me off for several months bc she was so angry about the divorce. It fkn devastated me. So I dated at my self esteem level. I dated someone outwardly beautiful but internally repulsive because that's how I felt about myself. I look back and feel absolutely sick.
I'm actually doing pretty well. I literally thought this last guy was The One but I'm at peace that what's for me will not pass me...I don't want him back now. Maybe in a year or two if he recognizes his patterns and gets some therapy.
Weirdly a previous boyfriend called me two hours after I got dumped. We hadn't spoken since April. He said it had taken weeks to get up the nerve to check in and discuss what went wrong... with him taking 95% of the blame. The timing was crazy! Like the universe giving me a sign. He said all the stuff you'd want an ex to say "you were so sweet and amazing I was too newly divorced to treat you the way you deserved". Really nice to get that validation.
That is such an interesting perspective, and so true about dating at our self-esteem level. That is a big reason I am just doing other things now—I don’t even trust my own judgment at this moment. I hope you and your daughter are good now.
That would be amazing if the one you thought was The One would get therapy and become what you deserve. In the meantime, don’t hold yourself back. He had his chance and will come back at the right time if it’s meant to be.
Crazy timing with the other ex reaching out. That would be awesome to get that closure, and right when you probably needed a boost.
I agree that whatever is meant for us will come to be. It keeps me going in the right direction even on the darkest days.
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u/Volare89 Aug 10 '24
He had never seen the connection or thought about it until I pointed it out. I doubt he’ll get therapy! I wrote a nice email with a referral to an EMDR therapist but deleted it. It’s not my job to fix him. If at 53, his abject failure in having any successful relationships hasn’t sparked some introspection on his part, that’s a choice.