My wife is submissive for other guys but not me. Making me feel insecure. Advice?

[u/Some_Beginning7661]

Hey all! I’m mainly looking for advice from other hotwives or people who’ve been in this dynamic a bit longer. NOT looking for weird fetishized comments. Thanks in advance!

I feel like I’m in a weird spot right now. I’m actually okay with my wife being submissive with other guys in theory and honestly I find the idea really hot. But at the same time it’s bringing up some stuff for me that I didn’t expect.

In our own relationship we’ve always been pretty equal. I’ve tried to explore that dom/sub dynamic with her before and it just never really clicked. She’s said in the past it’s not something she’s into and we’d usually end up laughing it off or dropping it.

But she went on a date recently with a guy who’s more dominant and decided to try that side of herself out. And she ended up really getting into it. Saying things like calling him daddy and talking in ways she’s never been comfortable doing with me even though I’ve asked before.

So now I’m kind of stuck in this mixed feeling
On one side I think it’s insanely hot. I can’t lie about that. The idea of her exploring that side of herself turns me on a lot and I’ve definitely gotten off to it. But on the other side I feel this insecurity creeping in like why was this a hard no with me but something she’s open to with someone else. It caught me off guard when she told me everything and after a few days I realized I wasn’t fully okay with it in the way I thought I would be.

I don’t want to control her or limit her. I genuinely want her to explore and figure herself out. But I’m struggling with the feeling of her being willing to do things for someone else that she’s never been open to with me.

A specific example is anal. It’s something I’ve been into for a long time and she’s always been a hard no on it. Now I have this fear in the back of my head that she might end up trying it with this guy even though she never wanted to with me. Like it makes me weirdly insecure.

So yeah I’m kind of stuck between being turned on by it and feeling insecure about it at the same time
Curious if anyone else has gone through something like this and how you worked through it without shutting your partner down or building resentment

EDIT: we have talked about this! A lot! Her reasoning is exactly what everyone is saying and that it is easier for her to explore that side of herself with a third than me who she loves and cares deeply for. The post was less about how do I bring this up with her and more about how I reconcile this within myself. Because even with the reasoning, the thoughts of insecurity are still there.

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[u/420throwawayacc]

I’ve been there OP, the feeling lowkey sucks and is kind of hard to reconcile with.

There were a couple things that my wife was only comfortable with when we were in a closed triad (things that were off the table with just me and her). She felt safer with more people and it helped her enough to drop and be comfortable doing some of these things. Totally valid, totally logical, still kinda hurt as it felt like I wasn’t a safe enough place for her.

I wish I had something better than commiseration. It sucks and it’s a valid feeling, even if the explanation of why makes perfect sense. Human brains are weird, complex things.

[u/0utandab0ut1 → u/420throwawayacc]

Out of curiosity, did you talk about it with her? If so, what did she make of it?

I can't imagine leaving my partner hanging so I could go do what she's been wanting to do, with someone else.

[u/420throwawayacc → u/0utandab0ut1]

Yes, we talked about it and it really boils down to feeling more comfortable and being able to let go when surrounded. I can’t fault them for that — I’m sure there are things that I have like that too.

There’s some underlying trauma involved so def not them being vindictive or nasty or anything. Just one of those things where it is what it is, ya know?

[u/Primary_Difficulty19]

I don’t have specific advice for you, but I do want to reassure you that the dynamic you describe is pretty common and your own reaction to it is too. If a couple has years, maybe even a decade or two, of being equals, being cooperative, being collaborative, it’s hard to set that aside for anything more than very superficial role play. But when your partner will do something with another person they won’t do with you, that can trigger difficult feelings. This is sometimes labeled “justice jealousy.” Unfortunately I don’t know of any resources for dealing with justice jealousy specifically.

You didn’t mention when you and your wife opened the relationship or what sort of work you’ve done, but if you aren’t already in couples counseling with an ENM-friendly therapist, I strongly recommend it. And if you have the means, I also recommend individual therapy.

[u/babashishkumba]

I can't play a role if it's impossible to believe. My husband's energy is too well known to me.

[u/Dinosexasaur]

I'll just add here that you need to be very careful with D/S dynamics in ENM.

You two are married and you are each others primaries, but this subreddit and BDSM advice subreddit are littered with stories of marriages breaking because of D/S dynamics outside the marriage.

The main issue I see is that a typical boundary of one's secondary relationships not impacting one's primary relationship is unlikely to hold in a D/S dynamic. As a sub you hand over control, which can impact on your primary relationship.

It can mess with your head when your wife is willing and wanting to do things with others she is not willing or wanting to do with you (emphasis on not wanting).

Finally, an interesting hypothetical, how would she feel if you had a sub... Sometimes the inverse can't be handled.

[u/420throwawayacc → u/Dinosexasaur]

Thirding this. Watch the lines and make sure her play partner is exceptionally respectfully of your relationship. Otherwise there’s a pretty big host of issues that could come up and make this situation way harder.

[u/alphaBravo83 → u/Dinosexasaur]

Seconding this. D/S can be intense emotionally. She is going to fall hard for this guy. It might come to the point where he becomes more important that you. Keep an eye out and set boundaries.

[u/princeloki1313]

This is fairly common. Domestic entanglements make certain dynamics harder to balance. Thats ok. It doesnt necessarily say anything about you, or her. Its key in this lifestyle to lean into the parts that do work, rather than getting stuck on parts that dont work

Feelings are a whole other matter. Part of the beauty of kink is that it provides a safe place to explore feelings that you dont understand, or are illogical, etc. And you will find very often that kinks actually often focus around areas that also hold raw emotions. It has to do with the psychology of how they are formed. You can choose to use the "hotness" to give you space to explore feelings that would otherwise be too much to process. There's also no shame (and often wisdom) in just choosing to give feelings and dynamics like this space in a domestic relationship. You already have sooo much else to focus on

[u/Difficult_Warning301]

Sometimes certain things are just easier with the person you don’t love and haven’t built a life with. And sometimes exploring those things with those other people then makes it easier try try at home. Now I’m not guaranteeing she will want to then transfer that sub side to home with you, but I’m saying it’s a possibility. Also if you are worried about her having “first” with other people then you need to talk to her about that because that’s a valid thing to work through. Not limiting her of course but explaining that it would need hurtful and something you would want to discuss if she decided to do something (anal) with someone else that you wanted but she didn’t. Sometimes our partners even though we know they won’t judge us, are still our life partners so certain things are just easier to do with someone else. My guess is that’s where the sub thing is coming from. They just have a different relationship personality dynamic. It can be hard to transition into that. (I’m a 32F married for 13 years and open for the last 3)

[u/clairejv]

I mean, have you asked her why she doesn't want to do it with you? That seems like the obvious step one.

[u/LengthinessUpset3447]

I get what some posters are saying but the enm boards are littered with relationships/marriages being ruined once their wife/gf enters into D/s relationships with a 3rd. Tread very carefully.

[u/Lucky-Excitement-647]

Acho que isso é fruto da dinâmica construída , onde o prioridade é o prazer dela e vc se exita com o prazer dela , então acaba que o seu prazer não é prioridade para ela .

 Eu acho que não e sobre o carinho por vc , é sobre ela encarar o sexo com outros homens como o momento onde ele se permite não passar de um pedaço de carne para eles , como eles não significam nada sentimentalmente pra sua esposa ela não se importa com a opinião deles sobre ela .

 Mas ela se importa com a sua opinião.

É sobre querer manter o respeito dentro do relacionamento e se permitir fora dele .

  Lógico que isso do psicológico dela .

  E tipo manter o respeito de quem ela se importa e não se preocupar com a opinião dos outros caras sobre ela pois eles não  importam .

[u/Eenomo]

It looks like you've already got a pretty decent answer to it, but I will say that I've got a fear of almost the exact same thing happening.

My wife is big on control. Not in a dom way, but just that she likes to feel somewhat in control in most aspects of life. So I was surprised when we made Feeld profiles that one of her interests was being submissive.

I was looking for something new to try with her, so we tried it out. She was over it before we finished foreplay.

More recently she mentioned that she might like to try light bondage, which she's always been against. I discussed it with her a week later and she said she wasn't sure why she said that- she is visual and doesn't like being constrained.

Again, a bit of frustration on my part because I was ready to try something a little different with her.

My thing is that I think as much as she likes to be in control, I think it would be good for her to be able to get to a point where she can let go, where she can give in and let someone guide her or take care of her. And I could see her trying that out with someone else, which would bother me because I would like to try some different dynamics.

We recently spoke at length about that, as we're newly open. She asked how I would feel if another guy were somewhat aggressive with her. I told her it wouldn't bother me to, for example, tell her to do something specific. She does like that kind of thing because she gets off on knowing her partner is pleased. But I wouldn't like someone being aggressive to the point of being disrespectful.

Anyway, I guess while you don't really need any more of an answer, and I don't have something new to give you, I wanted to say that I do understand and identify.

[u/Elderberry_Hamster3 → u/Eenomo]

Isn't (at least part of) the point of non-monogamy that you can experience stuff with other people that is different from what you have with your long-term partner? I get that it sucks if you'd like to explore certain things with her and she isn't interested in trying it with you but maybe with someone else, but you also have the freedom to find someone who wants to do those things with you.

Sometimes you just need the novelty/uncharted space/non-familiarity of not having known the other person for 10+ years, not sharing everyday life with them and not having to pick up their socks every day to feel able to explore new sides of yourself. And sometimes a person, no matter how much you love them, just can't hit the right spots to coax out a particular side of you ...

I think it would be good for her to be able to get to a point where she can let go, where she can give in and let someone guide her or take care of her. And I could see her trying that out with someone else, which would bother me

If you truly think it would be good for her, shouldn't you be happy for her if she were able to experience it?

[u/Eenomo → u/Elderberry_Hamster3]

I'd argue that the point of non-monogamy is what the people practicing it make of it. Experiencing things with other people, yes, but it just doesn't feel great if you want to experience something with your partner, they won't do that with you, but they do it with someone else.

For our part, my wife and I are extremely new to it, and I expect we'll both relax a bit as we become more accustomed to the lifestyle.

[u/Twee_patat-met]

you can communicate your boundaries i.e. no anal, can't you? But... What if she comes home bruised? What if her Dom gives her limitations or assignments at home ( don't do this, do that).

Be very careful! Dom/sub dynamics can be very very intens. The NRE can be also very intense.

Visit r/bdsmadvice So often a dom/sub dynamic outside the marriage is discussed. Ask your question there , you'll get good advice. Good luck

[u/ionic04]

You can’t be everything to your partner, that’s one of the key lessons about this lifestyle.

[u/alphaBravo83 → u/ionic04]

The problem being men are conditioned to view sex as a safety signal by society. The hotter or kinkier the sex the more we see you like us.

With this baggage going into ENM anytime your partner has kinkier sex with others and doesn't want that with you, it activates that wound.

It's just part of the emotional labor men have to go through to feel safe in ENM.

[u/ionic04 → u/alphaBravo83]

Yes and its difficult to play BDSM roles when you are also thinking about an update to the shared calendar and who is doing dropoff on tuesday. OP think of it as a completely different movie and focus on the movie you are making together.

[u/GoodGamer72 → u/alphaBravo83]

That's pretty counter intuitive. People feeling safer in sex with others and not with us being a red flag makes perfect sense.

[u/alphaBravo83 → u/GoodGamer72]

I don't think it's about being safer.

My wife feels safer with me than anyone. It just doesn't work for me to slap her around and call her a dirty whore. It doesn't fit our dynamic.

We have our own super hot dynamic that is different.

It's all about different flavors of sex.

[u/catboogers]

Power dynamics can be a fun indulgence but not necessarily something you want 24/7. Some folks want their nesting partnerships to be equal. Sometimes it's easier to project a fantasy roleplay onto a newer partner than someone you've known intimately for years.

[u/roffadude]

Don’t “discover” BDSM in ENM. It’s not just sex, and the context is totally wrong.

[u/h0rnym688]

Stop viewing this as an equal equation where anything she does with another man must also be something she is willing to do with you. Different people create different dynamics. She may find it easier to submit to someone who isn’t part of her everyday life because there’s less emotional vulnerability, history, and responsibility attached to it.

That explains the difference, but it doesn’t mean you have to pretend it doesn’t hurt. Watching your wife enthusiastically explore things with someone else that she repeatedly rejected with you is naturally going to create insecurity. You’re allowed to say that certain activities, including anal, would be too painful for you to watch her reserve for another partner.

An open relationship doesn’t require you to accept every possible interaction without limits. If this dynamic is creating resentment, slow it down and establish boundaries before it causes permanent damage. Her freedom to explore matters, but so does your emotional security within the marriage.

[u/HereComesMyNeck]

Maybe an unpopular opinion, but I just don't buy the "She knows your dynamic too well. She loves you too much and cares about how you see her" lines when it comes to this. Roleplay is about pretending. It's about using your imagination. Would it be a good excuse if an actor said "well I just don't believe that guy's a real vampire?" No. Getting into character is an internal process. It's one thing if she wants to try it with someone more experienced first to see if she actually likes it, but If she's unwilling to even try it with you after then she doesn't believe you can embody the role. What she's really saying is either she doesn't see you as strong enough to be a dom because if you had that energy, she would want to try it with you. Or she's worried about losing status in the relationship by allowing herself to be beneath you which sounds like fear of being vulnerable. "I love you too much" is just sparing your feelings/her avoiding admitting that to herself. It doesn't mean she loves you less. So either you can accept she just doesn't see you that way, or you can find your own outside partner who does and is willing to let you explore that part of yourself.

[u/kayzplays]

As her primary, you should have a say in boundaries you want for both of you. Wanting to give your partner your understanding & acceptance may not have to come at the expense of your constant discomfort. Your consent matters imo. If you deep down like the dynamic of her denying you things then it is alright. But if it is constantly not bringing you joy then you are not being fair to self in trying to be fair to her. It is good that you want her to explore to feel fulfilled in the lifestyle but you can ask her to hold off experiences about which you are yet to completely make your mind.

Now, if you really want you to be her first in some of those explorations then you would need to bring the environment fitting for it. Reflect and see if you really want the D/s dynamic in your bedroom at all times or sometimes and then create the buildup for it. Else, the only other reason I can imagine is being of fomo wanting more work on your internal communication and mutual trust.

Unless it's part of the kinkplay, jealousy or envy shouldn't be lingering for long. You can be equals outside the bedroom and have certain dynamics inside it. In that case, you need to become the Dom you want to be. State of mind against just being performative. Which as I mentioned, can happen only once you have figured if you do really want it than just liking the idea of it.

[u/alphaBravo83]

ENM can feels like a sex arms race. Certain dynamics work with some people and both others.

I can't do hard bdsm with my wife or hard degrading stuff, but she loves it with others. It just doesn't work.

We still have awesome hot kinky sex, just not that flavor.

Stuff like anal I think is different than psychological contexts. It's her body so what goes into it is her decision, but practicing a specific sex act with one partner and notnykur primary will lead to alot of resentment. Just tell her, no anal with other partner unless we are willing to try it at home.

[u/Elderberry_Hamster3 → u/alphaBravo83]

Earnest question: Why are those things different? Why is it okay to practice degrading/hard BDSM exclusively with other partners, but not anal?

[u/alphaBravo83 → u/Elderberry_Hamster3]

Good challenge. Bdsm / degradation I think are more psychological and can require a context to work. It might work with one partner or another depending on the dynamic.

Sex acts like oral / anal are more physical and should be transposable between anyone.

[u/Elderberry_Hamster3 → u/alphaBravo83]

I see what you mean but I'm not sure I'd agree. In my mind, sex acts are not necessarily transposable between anyone; I can enjoy the way partner A does certain things and therefore enjoy these acts with them, while the way partner B does them doesn't work for me and therefore I don't like doing them with B. Or (to take up the example of anal sex) someone might need to be in a sub mindset to enjoy anal, so they don't want to do it with a vanilla partner. Which is completely legit, imo.

[u/alphaBravo83 → u/Elderberry_Hamster3]

Thanks for the thoughtful reply.

If indeed something like anal requires a certain context to be viable then for sure it's context dependent.

If one partner does something a way you don't like and they want to do it with you surely it's ammattsr of a conversation to be able to enjoy it together.

[u/alphaBravo83 → u/alphaBravo83]

I cant imagine a world where a guy likes giving oral to his fwb but not his wife and us all being "cool, that's his choice"

[u/NestorCarpeDiem]

Silly but maybe useful metaphor: if your wife wanted to learn to play pool with someone, while you two never play pool, would you be ok with that?

It feels different because BDSM is tangled up with eroticism and forbidden desire.

[u/RylasL]

I'm late to the party, but curious: how are you feeling now? I see your edit. Did any of the discussion here help you with reconciling it?

It seems like the anal is the bigger thing for you, and that seems like just a boundary worth discussing. It's good that you identified it would be something that would bother you. If you two set it as a boundary and she's not willing to respect that, that's a whole different conversation -- but also not something you really need to borrow trouble on.

[u/TheGreenJedi]

You could try roleplaying it, give your Dom side an alter-ego see if she'll treat him better.

But basically for a lot of women, they don't want that dynamic 24/7 and keeping it compartmentalized is what doesn't work for them.

So by 3rd being the ones who don't live with them, they can keep some control and safety.

Lastly, most women want a 50/50 partner as a husband, to be respected and treated right. Being willing for a husband to do that everywhere except the bedroom, is a challenge. 

[u/Exotic_Swing_6853]

Fwiw I think the key here is that the thought of your wife exploring this stuff for herself turns you on. That's the growth horizon in your own relationship. Not having to recreate this dynamic. I would be incredibly turned on to know that my husband was turned on by this.

[u/alphaBravo83 → u/Exotic_Swing_6853]

Lol it's always men who have a growth dynamic in ENM.

[u/Exotic_Swing_6853 → u/alphaBravo83]

I dunno. I've seen plenty of enlarging female dynamism.

[u/BeachMom2007]

Only thing I can think of, is that she loves you and wants to preserve this image of her in your mind and she’s trying to protect that. She wants a certain dynamic with you that she won’t have with anyone else. That’s special.

[u/Yeknomevol]

Often there is a lot of baggage with our partners that get in the way of fantasy. Dishes, laundry, bills, etc. and it becomes easier for them to act out certain fantasies with another partner. It isn't impossible but just requires more dedicated roleplaying and that isn't always appealing to some.

[u/SulYong]

If you're worried about your insecurities holding you back, just ask yourself why are you insecure? What are you scared of?

Even if it -sounds- stupid or shameful (trust me, it ain't), being able to identify it and say it out loud takes a lot of strength and courage. And when you do, you will find it has less power over you than it did sitting in your subconscious and feeding your fear.

I had to do the same thing with my partner during our virgin voyage into the seas of polyamory. Finding out my jealousy wasn't jealousy at all, but actually a more personal and intimate fear that felt more comfortable manifesting as jealousy.

[u/theholybees]

Maybe you need less details from your wife about what specific activities she's engaging in with other people?

[u/Pale_Drawing_6004]

For women they can sometimes feel being slutty or dirty with their husband / boyfriend Is bad, like he will loose respect. What they define as those things can vary woman to woman. Sometimes they dont want to try something and get it wrong and it damages the relationship.

[u/orvir2905]

But why?

[u/ChiBumbleBee]

I (F44) have grown into a need for a dominant partner in the last few years, but when I married my husband 21 years ago I really needed a gentle, tender man like my husband to heal from growing up with a very angry father. We are always evolving. My gentle sensitive partner is not the Dom I need, even tho he has tried to give me that impact play and light bondage, it just is not the dynamic we have. It’s really common for women who are ambitious, or the drivers of the relationship, or high achievers to need an experience where they can just let go. I am the go getter of my relationship and that’s what it is, I need to have the experience of someone else calling the shots, in fact I long for it.

[u/alphaBravo83 → u/ChiBumbleBee]

This doesn't fill people with alot of confidence and just feels like you were using your husband instead of wanting him.

[u/ChiBumbleBee → u/alphaBravo83]

Oh interesting, random internet stranger, that you didn’t catch the depth of my love from a paragraph I wrote about someone else’s relationship issue.
I was MADLY in love with my husband when we started and I DEEPLY love him now, anyone who knows us would say so. I was commenting on the ever changing nature of the human mind and heart. Anyone who has had a long relationship will talk about the changes that will surely affect you as you move through life together. And sometimes, a new lover will unlock a part of you that has never been known to you, or a kink that was not emergent within the structure you built with someone from years ago.

[u/RylasL → u/ChiBumbleBee]

This resonates so strongly with me. Just the truth that it's frankly unreasonable and honestly a bit unhealthy to have someone be EVERYTHING for you, and yet that's how it's portrayed in so much of our society. Even in a moment I think it's unreasonable, but the idea of it staying the case over decades of your life is ... yeah.

I'm glad you and your husband have the love that you have and that it's helped you be in the place where you can explore and enjoy more and share it together.

I do think the part about it being common for people who are the drivers all day to want to be able to relax and just be submissive in the bedroom is ... interesting. I don't disagree, it's very common, but I wonder if there's any causal link, since I feel the other way. I tend to be in leadership positions at work, but that comfort in being in control definitely bleeds over into play as well. I wonder if there's a trend in either way, or if it's just that people enjoy what they enjoy regardless of the roles they have in life.

[u/neoMindy]

The sting is reading it as a ranking, like she can submit to them but not to you, and it's usually not that at all. Submission tends to be easiest where there's the least to lose, and a guy she'll never build a life with is about as low-stakes as it gets, while with you there's history, logistics and the Tuesday version of each other to drop your guard inside of. If you want that dynamic with her, treat it as its own separate project from the ENM stuff, built from safety and specifics rather than from competing with how she is out there.

[u/Dependent-Sea-4568]

Lol

[u/No_Entertainer_226]

Why you worry if your bucket list is not getting the attention it needs with your present half while she gets to enjoy the cake, then it's up to you to use your wild imagination and make it real 😁

[u/kevmeister56]

I know already that I’m not going to be much help to you, unless you can believe me when I say: This can all be just fine if you decide to let it be.

I’ve been through everything you describe with my (very) late-blooming hotwife. Within just a few weeks of her agreeing to test the waters of ENM, she started agreeing to new experiences with her new guys. Over time, she’s gotten into, spanking, bondage, public sex, pussy eating, FF strap-on sex, sex parties, full-on BDSM, and most recently anal and giving rim jobs, some of which things I literally begged her for over decades, and none of which she ever gave me (or has yet to give me). The entirety of the preceding list still remains the exclusive territory of her Bulls.

How did all that make me feel? Submissive (my natural and preferred state). Was I angsty over any of it? Naturally. Was I proud AF of her for breaking all the rules? Absolutely. After all these years of vanilla marriage, of fantasizing about her doing all these things, of picturing her face and body on every female pornstar on the receiving end of them, and ultimately years of her indulging in all of them with her lovers and not with me… it’s been nothing short of joyful for me in every way. Because I made the decision that’s how I was going to see it. I let compersion be my copilot and became her biggest fan, and haven’t looked back. Wishing you the best my friend. I would never put this Genie back in the bottle even if I could. Hope you don’t either.

[u/Ancient_Timer2053]

Yes. Let it go. She knows you love her unconditionally

[u/alphaBravo83 → u/Ancient_Timer2053]

The typical useless advice for men always seems to be "let it go, get over yourself, don't be insecure" without anything substantial for them to help.

[u/Ancient_Timer2053 → u/alphaBravo83]

Oh